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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

It's not my necklace

999 replies

Foolmeoncefoolmetwice · 27/07/2017 15:36

Hi I'm new here and I don't usually do forums but I just don't know where else to ask about this now. I've been sitting on it so long and I think I might be going a bit mad

I hope this isn't too long. Backstory is husband and I have been together 9 years, we have a 5 year old son and 2 year old daughter, he's a good husband and consistent if a bit distant father due to his long hours. No real problems with us aside from the occasional grind of general family life, although we did work through an incident of him kissing another woman when DS was a baby and he sent some flirty texts to a colleague too but it was years ago.

About a month ago my husband went on a business trip, gave me the address of the place he was staying and I didn't bat an eye, he goes on them several times a year, usually a couple of nights at a time. Day after he came back he went to work as usual and rang me from the office in a panic asking if he'd left his debit card at home. It wasn't here and he couldn't remember the last time he'd seen it.

I had the idea of calling the hotel to ask if they'd found it cleaning, the lady on reception was very nice and said 'oh mrs X you must be calling about your necklace, we found it In the bathroom how lucky for you it would have been such a shame to lose such lovely pearls!' I didn't know what to say really and my mind went sort of numb, so I just said thank you and could they possibly post it to me since I was several counties away and she said fine.

So it was posted to my house. I have it in the bedroom, it's a beautiful string of real pearls, it looks like something a queen would wear. I haven't said a word about it to him. Whenever I think about it I get all dizzy and feel I might be sick but I don't know why, it's been a long time since I've had any suspicions about him. I don't know if I want to know but it's making me crazy. I also don't know if I could break up our family, the thought makes me want to vomit.

I don't even know what I'm asking really. I know my head is in the sand but I honestly don't know what to do.

OP posts:

Cuppaand2biscuits · 31/07/2017 21:53

Don't let him in if he turns up, he sounds desperate and nasty.
Also you can book escorts online, no need for another phone. Just a secret email address. My next door neighbour got caught out using 'high class hookers' like this, booked them all online.

Flowersandfootballs · 31/07/2017 21:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

muggymum · 31/07/2017 21:57

Well done. Echoing what's others have said get to the docs and get yourself checked out

Original poster

Foolmeoncefoolmetwice · 31/07/2017 22:00

I have shifted half of our joint account into my savings account with online banking, not that there was much. I feel really odd, like I'm having an out of body experience or something. He hasn't contacted either of us again.

OP posts:

Winotimo · 31/07/2017 22:01

Well done you! Proud of you.
Stay strong and you will live a happy life with your lovely children. You ARE NOT mental/insane/deluded anything. You are just fine. X

notapizzaeater · 31/07/2017 22:01

He won't do, he wants you to stew and come home and forgive his little issues .......

user1500161471 · 31/07/2017 22:02

Well done for having such strength to walk out. Do NOT let him try to condition you into thinking this is your fault or you won't get the keep the kids. You are the stable influence and a credit to them. You've put them first regardless of fears and anxieties and thats the mark of a great parent. Not the man that calls himself the father while depriving his children and not bothering to ask for them.

BumWad · 31/07/2017 22:03

Flimp · 31/07/2017 22:04

Well done OP, you can do this

TheLegendOfBeans · 31/07/2017 22:05

I feel really odd, like I'm having an out of body experience or something. He hasn't contacted either of us again

That's shock my love. And it'll send you into "autopilot" and when it doesn't you'll cry and cry and miss him and feel angry and let down and then something will happen and you'll autopilot again.

Allow yourself to feel odd. Imagine your best girlfriend had this happen to them. What would you say?

You need to be your best girl friend now x

springydaffs · 31/07/2017 22:06

Move the money now, online banking.

Because he sure as hell will be doing the same

Well done. Keep going. Once the shock fades you'll be surprised how much mettle you have. This man has been keeping his wife and kids short while he does goodness knows what on the quiet.

I rather like a pp's description of him as horseshit.

You will be AMAZED how your depression drops off once Mr horseshit is no longer around.

CookieLady · 31/07/2017 22:09

Massive hug for you. You're doing brilliantly.

Haribogirl · 31/07/2017 22:09

Take that necklace to jewellery shop that's buys stuff or pawnbroker
And get a price for it
Sell it and keep the proceeds

Can't see him paying for his children willing as he so tight now.
So your gonna need money
Do your benefit claim online tomorrow to get it started, as it takes a while.

BorisTrumpsHair · 01/08/2017 11:23

Well done OP. You are no doubt in shock, but you are doing really well.

Never forget your H is a shit of the highest order and it is very clear he will say and do anything to deflect responsibility from himself and blame you.

DO NOT BELIEVE HIM! Remember he is a liar and cheat and he is never to be believed. Your world has changed completely - you are now starting to see things clearly.

Remember, you do not have to talk to him.

You do NOT need to argue with him - it will achieve nothing.
This is not your fault.
You do not deserve this - it is not your fault.

Keep going - little by little you will get to a much much better place.

Sending you hugs and we are here to support you.

BorisTrumpsHair · 01/08/2017 11:23

Oh and well done for taking the £500!!

Fairenuff · 01/08/2017 11:29

You need to keep contact with him to a minimum otherwise he will bully you so it's good that he's gone quiet for now.

But he will be moving quickly to repair damage to himself. He will move/hide money, he will try and guilt you into coming back to him and he will make every decision unnecessarily difficult if he can.

Keep things as simple as you can for yourself. Eat, sleep, only communicate with him via email or text. Get yourself a SHL (shit hot lawyer) who specialises in family law.

kali110 · 01/08/2017 11:37

What happened to this yesterday?

LexieLulu · 01/08/2017 12:04

How odd? Usually mumsnet say why they deleted and reinstated threads?

Jg1 · 01/08/2017 12:04

Foolme I'm so glad this thread has been restored as I've been worrying about you since it was closed yesterday.
How are you today? Did you manage to get any sleep?
Have there been any developments? I hope you were able to secure some of the money and that you've contacted a solicitor.

StormTreader · 01/08/2017 12:08

Im so relieved your mum saw everything with her own eyes, I know how easy it is to be persuaded youve "remembered things wrong" or "misunderstood what you saw". Let her reassure you if you start to doubt your own memory of what you found.

XJerseyGirlX · 01/08/2017 12:26

OP you have been so brave. I think its disgusting how he tried to say he was worried about you and making our you have MH issues again... what a nasty piece of shit. You have done the right thing, sending hugs to you x good on your mum too

happypoobum · 01/08/2017 12:44

I would take all the money from the joint account as you need it for the DC and he has access to other money.

I promise you it is absolutely textbook that he is saying he will take the kids from you. They all say it. Not because he has any intention whatsoever of doing it, but because he thinks it's leverage to force you to come to heel.

I would refuse to speak to him to be honest. I would communicate solely by email for now, as then you have a record of everything.

Can you see a solicitor as soon as possible? Many will give 30 minutes advice for free, although they don't have to. Most of the family solicitors in my town do it. You will feel so empowered once you have done this. Stay strong

Original poster

Foolmeoncefoolmetwice · 01/08/2017 12:45

Thanks MN for reinstating this, and thanks to everyone who's been supportive. Was gutted that people were calling troll on me just when I'd found somewhere I could talk. Will update a bit later I've got to get some lunch into the children right now xx

OP posts:

RandomMess · 01/08/2017 12:53

So sorry to read the extent of his abuse and deceit, seeing as though he has another account with money in that you can't access I'd empty out the joint account and ring up CMS and start a claim today as it takes a while. I hope the child benefit is already in your name (it should be for pension reasons)

He is a bully and threatening to take the DC away is just a tactic to get you back doing as he said.

Jg1 · 01/08/2017 12:56

Well hopefully the trollhunters will back-off now.
MN are obviously happy that Foolme is genuine so that should be good enough for everyone.

Please eat too OP

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