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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

It's not my necklace

999 replies

Foolmeoncefoolmetwice · 27/07/2017 15:36

Hi I'm new here and I don't usually do forums but I just don't know where else to ask about this now. I've been sitting on it so long and I think I might be going a bit mad

I hope this isn't too long. Backstory is husband and I have been together 9 years, we have a 5 year old son and 2 year old daughter, he's a good husband and consistent if a bit distant father due to his long hours. No real problems with us aside from the occasional grind of general family life, although we did work through an incident of him kissing another woman when DS was a baby and he sent some flirty texts to a colleague too but it was years ago.

About a month ago my husband went on a business trip, gave me the address of the place he was staying and I didn't bat an eye, he goes on them several times a year, usually a couple of nights at a time. Day after he came back he went to work as usual and rang me from the office in a panic asking if he'd left his debit card at home. It wasn't here and he couldn't remember the last time he'd seen it.

I had the idea of calling the hotel to ask if they'd found it cleaning, the lady on reception was very nice and said 'oh mrs X you must be calling about your necklace, we found it In the bathroom how lucky for you it would have been such a shame to lose such lovely pearls!' I didn't know what to say really and my mind went sort of numb, so I just said thank you and could they possibly post it to me since I was several counties away and she said fine.

So it was posted to my house. I have it in the bedroom, it's a beautiful string of real pearls, it looks like something a queen would wear. I haven't said a word about it to him. Whenever I think about it I get all dizzy and feel I might be sick but I don't know why, it's been a long time since I've had any suspicions about him. I don't know if I want to know but it's making me crazy. I also don't know if I could break up our family, the thought makes me want to vomit.

I don't even know what I'm asking really. I know my head is in the sand but I honestly don't know what to do.

OP posts:
OnTheRise · 31/07/2017 20:32

It's completely reasonable for you to have "mental health issues" when your husband is lying to you, keeping vile stuff locked in a drawer in your home, spending time in hotels with other women, and being verbally abusive towards you.

Now you've found out the truth about him my bet is your mental health is going to improve. Yes, you're probably going to feel really bad off and on for quite a while: but without the lies and deception and bullying you've got a proper chance to get better, and that's GOOD.

He can't take your children when they're loved, well cared for, and happy. He won't want to take them, I bet, because they'd cramp his style. Well done for getting out of there, and for finding somewhere safer to live. I'm glad your mum came through for you. Now go and find yourself a brilliant lawyer, and sort things out so you never have to see this horrible man again.

bettyboo40 · 31/07/2017 20:50

You poor thing having to deal with this horrible situation . You are being very brave. I'm so glad your mum is there for you. Flowers

CocoaLeaves · 31/07/2017 20:53

He won't take the children away; you have nothing wrong with your mental health. You have been living with a life that was a lie and blaming yourself. It will be hard to get through, but PLEASE DO NOT BELIEVE A WORD HE SAYS ABOUT YOUR MENTAL HEALTH.

My STBXH has used that argument in court, and it worked to an extent because it made me doubt myself, and that added to the stress, and I did not then make the most consistent decisions, which the judge pulled me up on (but even then, he does not have residency of DC). You are reacting quite normally and sensibly to an abnormal situation. I am so glad your mum is on side. One step at a time, just keep repeating 'I am quite well and my thoughts are reasonable' - and don't let the mental health stuff wash. Ever.

Brenna24 · 31/07/2017 20:58

I agree with others. It is very telling that the first thing he did was try and make you feel like this was all a result of mental health issues. Which it is not in any way - how would he have reacted had the roles been reversed? Would it have been ok for you to behave the way he has been? Would it have been his fault that you did? Threatening you with losing the one thing he knows is worth the most to you in the world - your children, is the next step.

Did you take all your important documents? Passports/marriage certificate etc? If not you need to go back and get that as soon as he is next out the house. And you really need a lawyer asap.

Well done. You did magnificently. You handled it well, hung up on him and didn't crack. Keep it up.

Skylark678 · 31/07/2017 21:00

He doesn't have a leg to stand on with regards to taking the children. Stay strong

hoosie · 31/07/2017 21:06

You're going to get through this and you're going to come out the otherside of it stronger and happier. There are countless women on here who can testify to that.

Original poster
Foolmeoncefoolmetwice · 31/07/2017 21:08

Mum was worried he would come here so she asked a male friend of hers to stay the night, I didn't know she had any but He's a nice man who said he'd 'nobble' him if he showed up. I do feel safer with another person here and the children don't seem to be stressed by sudd e,y being at grandmas although DD is very clingy. DS has been showing his new friend his toy tractors before he went to bed. Everything feels so surreal he hasn't called again he never asked after the children just threatened to take them away :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Foolmeoncefoolmetwice · 31/07/2017 21:10

Mum and I have had a long talk

OP posts:
Haribogirl · 31/07/2017 21:12

Have you a bankers card to the joint bank acct?
If so get down to the hole in the wall tonight and draw out the £300 it allows you.

Tomorrow he will be cleaning up the his bank acct and his other lifestyle. Please don't give him to much of the information you have on him
I know it will be hard to keep in and anger wants you to let him know you know things. But don't !!!!

Best thing you can do is ignore him, ignore him when he rings
This will drive him insane, just as he's trying to make out you are(cheeky bastard)

If he turns up, phone the police, they will escort him from the property
Don't speak to him.

Take care of yourself and your dc, get what this man has denied you over the years from him. Where it will hurt the most, HIS POCKET
MONEY

Chocolatteandbiscuits · 31/07/2017 21:14

and was really odd kept saying 'are you feeling okay?' And 'I've been worried about you for a while now' and said he thought I wasn't coping with DD and had been wondering if my depression was coming back.

My mouth dropped open when I read that bit. I think he is the one not right in the head! He is yet again trying to gaslight you but to the extreme! Thankfully you have pics and your mum saw so there's no wiggling out of it this time. He will play mind games! I've done something similar to the freedom programme and believe me a lot of abusive men do the same things and he is no different. If the threats dont work he will turn nice and plead and beg. This is where you will need to stay strong and remind yourself what a horrible man he is.
Like other posters have said, if you can access money do it ASAP. He will probably be trying to move it now. I'm so happy that you have your mum's support. Stay strong, you have done the hardest part Flowers

thatdearoctopus · 31/07/2017 21:18

Well, he's doing now what he did last time he cheated, isn't he? Making you feel as if you're losing your mind when, in fact, you're in perfect command of your faculties.

Stay strong. I think you've been awesome in all of this so far. Flowers

Peakyblinders · 31/07/2017 21:22

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Guiltypleasures001 · 31/07/2017 21:23

Hi op

So sorry this is happening to you

This is going to sound really off the wall but,

What you described in the locked draw sounded like trophies, trinkets to remind him

If you have the pearls still. Ide be tempted to go to the police and hand them in, then drop in to the conversation what you had seen and found.

If it's affairs or sex workers then ok, but my mind wonders sometimes and he sounds too calm and to quick to switch tactics to discrediting your mental health.

I hope he hasn't harmed anyone, but maybe the police could check that for you 💐

Libitina · 31/07/2017 21:24

Well done OP. You are not weak, you have been strong in the extreme. Now the legal stuff starts.
You can do it!

Skylark678 · 31/07/2017 21:25

I have to agree with another poster. Don't interact with me, it will drive him crazy losing that control.

If you have a joint account go and take as much money out as it will allow

Angelf1sh · 31/07/2017 21:25

Come on Peaky, she could easily have moved over as a child so yes, her mother would be here too.

RoseOfSharyn · 31/07/2017 21:27

peaky piss off. That is not helpful is it?!

DailyMailDontStealMyThread · 31/07/2017 21:29

Stay strong and ignore him.

Any threats of taking the children are a knee jerk reaction to him being caught out.

Sorry to mention it and not sure if it's been mentioned before but you should book in for an STI check.

So glad you have your mum in your side.

Haribogirl · 31/07/2017 21:32

You got a problem peaky

Jg1 · 31/07/2017 21:33

Peakyblinders really???!
If you don't have anything constructive to offer then why bother commenting?
You can always just scroll on by....

GladAllOver · 31/07/2017 21:35

I've been following but not posted before.
Just wanted to congratulate you on getting the evidence you needed. Now that you know for sure what's been going on, all the doubts have gone and you can move onwards and upwards.
Good luck!

DownTownAbbey · 31/07/2017 21:43

He's having a laugh. He's soooo concerned about the children that he leaves them with you on your own as much as possible? Because if you're an unfit mother and he'd rather leave the kids with you and go out 'drinking ' what does that make him? Hmm

You're a fabulous mum. He's a pile of horse shit.

Farmerswife4life1984 · 31/07/2017 21:44

You are doing so well . I'm glad you have your mum . Keep talking and remember none of this is your fault. He is a disgusting human being xx

theabysswithin · 31/07/2017 21:45

Just wanted to say congratulations on your strength and I'm sorry you're going through this. In the long run your life will be better but it must be horrible for now.

shoeaddict83 · 31/07/2017 21:50

Been following this thread and my heart sank for you when you found all that evidence but at the same time I'm glad you did as it proved what you knew deep down.

He's a shit and a bully and trying to make out you have mental health issues to use against you later, so don't let him. Definitely do what others have said and transfer half of your joint money even if its tonight into your mums account till you can open your own, just get it away from him before he empties it. Get all your documents when he's at work including the kids passports etc.
You're strong and you can do this, just take each day at a time.
Thinking of you Flowers