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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

It's not my necklace

999 replies

Foolmeoncefoolmetwice · 27/07/2017 15:36

Hi I'm new here and I don't usually do forums but I just don't know where else to ask about this now. I've been sitting on it so long and I think I might be going a bit mad

I hope this isn't too long. Backstory is husband and I have been together 9 years, we have a 5 year old son and 2 year old daughter, he's a good husband and consistent if a bit distant father due to his long hours. No real problems with us aside from the occasional grind of general family life, although we did work through an incident of him kissing another woman when DS was a baby and he sent some flirty texts to a colleague too but it was years ago.

About a month ago my husband went on a business trip, gave me the address of the place he was staying and I didn't bat an eye, he goes on them several times a year, usually a couple of nights at a time. Day after he came back he went to work as usual and rang me from the office in a panic asking if he'd left his debit card at home. It wasn't here and he couldn't remember the last time he'd seen it.

I had the idea of calling the hotel to ask if they'd found it cleaning, the lady on reception was very nice and said 'oh mrs X you must be calling about your necklace, we found it In the bathroom how lucky for you it would have been such a shame to lose such lovely pearls!' I didn't know what to say really and my mind went sort of numb, so I just said thank you and could they possibly post it to me since I was several counties away and she said fine.

So it was posted to my house. I have it in the bedroom, it's a beautiful string of real pearls, it looks like something a queen would wear. I haven't said a word about it to him. Whenever I think about it I get all dizzy and feel I might be sick but I don't know why, it's been a long time since I've had any suspicions about him. I don't know if I want to know but it's making me crazy. I also don't know if I could break up our family, the thought makes me want to vomit.

I don't even know what I'm asking really. I know my head is in the sand but I honestly don't know what to do.

OP posts:
CauliflowerSqueeze · 31/07/2017 19:38

Yes it's perfect that your mum saw it all and you have photos. No "delusions" here, you massive massive fuckwit.

user1498556293 · 31/07/2017 19:39

I've been following your thread but yet to comment. He cannot take your children away so don't let that scare you.

This is the part where you need to be stronger than you ever have in your life. Do not back down and show him you mean business.

For goodness knows how long he's been thinking (and I'm sorry to sound harsh) your weak, too soft and as gullible as anything. He's had you wrapped round his little finger and would of honestly thought he could get away with anything. It's time to wipe the smugness of his cheating/lying/ deceitful face. Now is the time to show him this isn't you at all. Give him the shock of his life.

Writerwannabe83 · 31/07/2017 19:39

Oh what an anwful situation - he sounds like a really, really, nasty spiteful man.

He's trying to intimidate you, scare you and make you doubt yourself. Stay strong x

Dancinginthemidnight · 31/07/2017 19:41

So sorry it turned out this way. What an absoluteye bastard trying to make out you're crazy.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 31/07/2017 19:42

"He started telling me I'd got it wrong and he could explain, but I didn't want to hear it and said he would be hearing from my solicitor. Then he laughed and said 'you don't have a solicitor you silly cow' and was really odd kept saying 'are you feeling okay?' And 'I've been worried about you for a while now' and said he thought I wasn't coping with DD and had been wondering if my depression was coming back

I said I'm sure I could find a good solicitor with that envelope of 500 in cash and he went mental and started shouting, he said I was mad and wouldn't be allowed to keep the children because of my mental health.

And THIS is exactly why I said you MUST see a solicitor because I KNEW he would threaten you with this sort of shit. It's Abuser 101. He's going to gaslight you, make you believe you're in worse condition than you are and tell you that no judge in their right mind would ever award custody to someone with your mental health record - it's STANDARD response to someone in your position.

AND - it's all bollocks.

You must see a solicitor as soon as you ever can to make sure that he can't make this shit up and fool you - he can't take the children, they're with YOU, their parent and main caregiver. He has no right to take them from you at all.

Please get to a solicitor ASAP - get this sorted in your head so the bastard fuckwit can't threaten you.

MrsMamaG2016 · 31/07/2017 19:42

I'm sure when they know from you and your children how little input he gives them they will consider you as the safer bet. The fact you've walked out with your children shows your children come first and that you've tried to family together after the previous shit he did ... also the fact he has his so much from you will show him a untrustworthy character because that's money he could spend on the kids but would rather spend it on a shag..

Don't let him talk you down my mom has very bad mental health problems and they still deemed her fit to have us and raise us and she did a ace job.. it's hard and you'll feel hurt for a while to come but your strong and will come out on top...

He is obviously concerned or he wouldn't be throwing cheap shots to make you doubt yourself and your choices ...

Chin up good luck to you all xxFlowersFlowers

DianaMitford · 31/07/2017 19:49

He's a bully. Bullies are cowards at heart. He won't do anything. He'll threaten you for a bit while he still thinks he has control. When it becomes clear that you mean it he will start begging for forgiveness and promise you the world if you'll only take him back. Don't listen to him. The minute he thinks he's won he will revert to type.

Been there, seen it, got the t-shirt. Stay strong OP and your mum sounds amazing!!!

AcrossthePond55 · 31/07/2017 19:51

It's all out in the open now. That's good. And yes to PPs, write down the entire conversation as best you can remember it. Let AHH (AssHole Husband) know that in future ALL communications are to be via email then set up a special email account for his use only. Easier to have someone screen his emails that way.

And get thee to a solicitor ASAP. Do you (or mum) have any friends who have recently (or are currently) divorced and like their solicitor?

annielouise · 31/07/2017 19:55

You've done great. He can't take the children away from you. He's doing what my ex did, and probably loads of others, threatened to make out you're not right in the head to scare you. Hold firm. He doesn't deserve you. Getting a solicitor only involves a phone call, fgs. A marriage should not involve such things as secret drawers and private bank accounts. If this goes to the divorce courts that won't be looked on well.

Ceebs85 · 31/07/2017 19:58

I'm so sorry you've been treated this way. It actually makes me feel quite sick to think he's been living this other life while telling you there's not enough money for things you need.

I'm so glad your mum has seen it and is being supportive.

In time you'll have a better life than with him. You deserve better. The disgusting women he's been seeing won't be so appealing either when it's all he's got.

BastardGoDarkly · 31/07/2017 19:59

He's bluffing, and shitting himself.

Very telling that he only lost his shit over the money, not the fact you'd seen the photos ffs.

Stay strong op, you're doing AMAZINGLY Flowers

ElasticFirecracker · 31/07/2017 20:00

I've been following this thread with great interest and empathy. I had wondered whether his attitude and general lack of support could have been a contributory factor to your PND. Hearing his hideously patronising and manipulative reaction to you makes me think this is very likely.

I'm so sorry that you're experiencing this. You've done nothing but support him, and he has treated you with total disregard and contempt.

FlowersCakeFlowersWineFlowersGin

onemorecakeplease · 31/07/2017 20:03

We don't think, do we, that the necklace belonged to the previous occupant of the room? And the cleaners missed it first time around behind the bin/loo/sink?

Is that possible? If he was fine showing you his phone?

CauliflowerSqueeze · 31/07/2017 20:05

onemore I think you need to RTFT.
The necklace and the phone are the least of it.

Farmerswife4life1984 · 31/07/2017 20:07

He is an absolute bastard . He will definitely try and say you are mentally unstable because it's what these blokes do . You are not and I repeat are not mentally unstable . He cannot get the kids took off you at all and all his threats will be empty . I'm so sorry op . What an utter cunt he is . The lying dirty bastard . Screw him for every penny and hold your head high . You are stronger than you think and deserve so much more xx

Farmerswife4life1984 · 31/07/2017 20:08

onemore read the fucking thread man !!!

PovertyJetset · 31/07/2017 20:11

You've got all the evidence so don't worry about him saying you're unfit. He's totally spiralling out of control and he's grasping.

Hold your ground.

MissJSays · 31/07/2017 20:12

Good god OP, get in contact with a solicitor and go for an STI check pronto.

Do not let him get into your head. What a massive arse of a man.

Sending you and your children all my love, you can get through this.

sewingandcoffee · 31/07/2017 20:14

It's shocking how he turned! I feel so bad for you! Keep any texts and if u can put ur calls on loud speaker so I have witnesses to his threats.

Nainer123 · 31/07/2017 20:18

I absolutely hate the "You won't get to keep the kids because you have mental health issues" bullshit!!! It's appalling how mental health is used against people! As long as you are coping and have support and your kids aren't deemed to be in danger then your children will of course be allowed to be with You! You're their mum!! It's really annoys me! Show me one person that doesn't currently or hasn't in the past suffered with some sort of mental health issue, if that were the case then no mother or father would ever have their kids. What a dick head. Do NOT let that arse hole come and take your kids from you. He's the one in the wrong not You! If he does come around phone the police, as he has been threatening! What an arse.

alpacawhacker · 31/07/2017 20:19

I'm seriously wondering if he meant to bring the pearls home and put them in his drawer, because I really get the sense that he's keeping trophies.

I also thought, as a pp said, that it spoke volumes that he only lost his rag when he knew you'd taken the money.

Wanderingbluebell · 31/07/2017 20:19

Just wanted to wish you strength and luck, what a horrible situation Flowers

onemorecakeplease · 31/07/2017 20:20

Oh god I'm so sorry. The thread froze way back and I thought there were no more updates

So sorry to hear this what a selfish bastard

LittleMissBrainy · 31/07/2017 20:25

Been on tenterhooks since the start (of this thread) for you OP! I actually whooped when I read your last post and the fact that you hung up on him and didn't let him get away with feeding you his BS!
Stay strong. You are an amazing woman and mum and we are all behind you!! Flowers

Member652554 · 31/07/2017 20:26

As everyone else has already said Op, please get legal advice asap.

Please don't think you only need a solicitor for when you are ready for a divorce. A good solicitor will help you get all your affairs in order . Even if you don't have the means for a solicitor there is plenty of free advice you can access through Womens aid and Citizens Advice Bureau (CAB).
Don't forget you can also access other help through your local council in terms of housing, benefits, alternative schools for the children etc.

Your GP, health visitor, Nurse , local councillors etc can all help you too.

Please do not feel like you are on your own.
Use the adrenaline rush and anger to your advantage to get yourself sorted.

Consider the following:

  1. when he has gone to work, collect all your paper work, including your passports and birth certificates, any money, proof of address in the form of utility bills, bank statements , the children's health records

  2. get a housing application from your local council and fill it in and return immediately to get on the housing list.

  3. open another bank account and transfer at least half of all the money you have in the joint accounts to your new account.

  4. Apply for any benefits you may be entitled to (including child benefit, housing, tax credits etc) CAB can advice you on this.

  5. Get yourself a job even if its part time for now

  6. Ensure you are aware of all assets, investments , pensions, accounts etc and pass this information to your solicitor so that you get a fair share of what you own as a family.

  7. Be kind to yourself, have special time for you and your children.see this as a new start. Regardless as to whether you divorce your husband or not. Use this a learning opportunity for yourself. Don't let him victimise you.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your children.
May the force be with you hun xxx