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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

It's not my necklace

999 replies

Foolmeoncefoolmetwice · 27/07/2017 15:36

Hi I'm new here and I don't usually do forums but I just don't know where else to ask about this now. I've been sitting on it so long and I think I might be going a bit mad

I hope this isn't too long. Backstory is husband and I have been together 9 years, we have a 5 year old son and 2 year old daughter, he's a good husband and consistent if a bit distant father due to his long hours. No real problems with us aside from the occasional grind of general family life, although we did work through an incident of him kissing another woman when DS was a baby and he sent some flirty texts to a colleague too but it was years ago.

About a month ago my husband went on a business trip, gave me the address of the place he was staying and I didn't bat an eye, he goes on them several times a year, usually a couple of nights at a time. Day after he came back he went to work as usual and rang me from the office in a panic asking if he'd left his debit card at home. It wasn't here and he couldn't remember the last time he'd seen it.

I had the idea of calling the hotel to ask if they'd found it cleaning, the lady on reception was very nice and said 'oh mrs X you must be calling about your necklace, we found it In the bathroom how lucky for you it would have been such a shame to lose such lovely pearls!' I didn't know what to say really and my mind went sort of numb, so I just said thank you and could they possibly post it to me since I was several counties away and she said fine.

So it was posted to my house. I have it in the bedroom, it's a beautiful string of real pearls, it looks like something a queen would wear. I haven't said a word about it to him. Whenever I think about it I get all dizzy and feel I might be sick but I don't know why, it's been a long time since I've had any suspicions about him. I don't know if I want to know but it's making me crazy. I also don't know if I could break up our family, the thought makes me want to vomit.

I don't even know what I'm asking really. I know my head is in the sand but I honestly don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Changedname3456 · 31/07/2017 18:08

I was hoping it was going to be a mistake by the hotel. So, so sorry that he's behaved like this.

It's not a great thought, I know, but if you've still been sleeping with him lately then please make sure you get an STI check as soon as you can. A man that takes these sorts of risks probably isn't that careful with protection.

OnlyWantsOne · 31/07/2017 18:08

What an arse. So sorry OP.

ShotsFired · 31/07/2017 18:12

@Foolmeoncefoolmetwice you have shown tremendous courage to get this far, and I am so sorry your strength of character had to be tested in such an awful way.

You can do this, one step at a time, we're all here for you if you need a shoulder to cry on, or a hand to hold.

We may be virtual, we may be vipers, but we're your virtual vipers and no-one messes with one of our own and gets away with it...

Brenna24 · 31/07/2017 18:22

Well said Shots ^

Fairenuff · 31/07/2017 18:29

He won't be secretive about his phone because he has another phone. It's probably kept in his car. Will he know that you've been in the drawer?

WatchingFromTheWings · 31/07/2017 18:33

some woman's things, I guess the other woman's. A velvet hair tie, a bracelet, and knickers

That's really creepy. Not sure what would be worse....if they all belonged to the same woman, or different women.

Good on your mother for taking that money though. Glad you have her support. Flowers

millmoo · 31/07/2017 19:03

Agree completely with shots
We're with you every step of the way -can't imagine what you're going through right now

CauliflowerSqueeze · 31/07/2017 19:05

Has he been trying to contact you, or has he not returned yet.

JaneEyre70 · 31/07/2017 19:08

What a horrid shock for you OP. Your mum sounds amazing, thank goodness you have her for love and support right now.

fuzzywuzzy · 31/07/2017 19:18

I'd get myself a shit hot lawyer.

Will he know you've been in the drawer? If not I wouldn't tell him or let him know.

If he calls at all just say you've been taken ill and have gone to stay at your mums for a bit.

Then decide what you want to do next.

Personally I think you need to LTB, get tested for stds, set up a CSA claim once you've decided LTB as then at least you'll have some money.

alpacawhacker · 31/07/2017 19:19

I am so sorry Foolme. Thank god for your mum coming through for you, bless her. This is beyond horrific now but I believe your life will ultimately be better without him in it.

kali110 · 31/07/2017 19:22

Omg op im so sorry! Didn't see this coming Flowers
Sounds like your mom is really stepping up.
Let him come home to an empty house, he doesn't deserve any better.

duxb · 31/07/2017 19:22

Please don't hate yourself. You've done nothing wrong.

sewingandcoffee · 31/07/2017 19:25

I fear that he has just become so good at hiding this. It sounds like it's been going on a long time. When do the bank statements date back to?

AcrossthePond55 · 31/07/2017 19:27

Good on taking the £500. Your mum is exactly right. And God bless her for coming through. My mum was pretty religious too, but when push came to shove her loyalty was to me, her daughter. And I don't think it's a bad thing that he realizes what you know. He will know that you know and he will know what you have seen, and there's no hiding the 'evidence' and then trying to bullshit you with lies or gaslight you .

First things first. Do you have access to any of these bank accounts? If so, draw out half the money because I guarantee you that he WILL move (hide) that money. If you have an account at the same bank he banks at, close that account and open a new one at a different bank. This is imperative as you simply do not know if he has some type of access to your account. Changing the password is not enough.

Now, get an appointment with a solicitor right away. You need legal advice on your rights and his responsibilities. And you need to make a claim for child maintenance ASAP.

Do you have your car with you? If not, try to get it. If there are things you feel you want but have left behind, try to make a list of them and decide what is important and what is not. A solicitor can help make arrangements to get them to you or a third party (mum?) can go get them.

A very important thing to remember is that absent a court order to the contrary, both parents have equal access to the children. What that means is that if you let him have them alone, he does not have to return them to you. So either keep putting him off, or only allow him to see the DC in controlled circumstances. You cannot trust him, so do not listen to anything he says.

At this point as long as you can stay with your mum, he can't 'get to you' other than via the phone or email so try to relax a bit about him getting in your face. If you feel it would be helpful, have your mum answer your phone or read texts or emails first. I know you are fearful of that first phone call or text message after he realizes you're gone. But you don't need to be afraid. He can no longer control you. You can lock your mum's front door and he will be on the outside.

Take a deep breath. Try to turn your mind to the practical things. Try not to dwell on the emotional things. There will be time to work through those later, when you feel stronger.

Original poster
Foolmeoncefoolmetwice · 31/07/2017 19:29

He's been on the phone, he rang to ask when I'd be back to do dinner as he assumed I'd taken the children out. I told him I had the children and that we wouldn't be returning and why didn't he use his fancy other bank account to buy himself something nice.

He went quiet and then said 'what are you talking about' and I told him I'd found his little secret key and seen everything, and how dare he leave his family struggling when he's got all this money and spending it I assumed with the girls in his sordid little photos.

He started telling me I'd got it wrong and he could explain, but I didn't want to hear it and said he would be hearing from my solicitor. Then he laughed and said 'you don't have a solicitor you silly cow' and was really odd kept saying 'are you feeling okay?' And 'I've been worried about you for a while now' and said he thought I wasn't coping with DD and had been wondering if my depression was coming back.

I said I'm sure I could find a good solicitor with that envelope of 500 in cash and he went mental and started shouting, he said I was mad and wouldn't be allowed to keep the children because of my mental health. I hung up on him and he started calling and calling and when I didn't pick up he rang my mother and obviously tried to make out I was having some kind of crisis. She was ice cold with him and said she'd seen it all with her own eyes and if he tried to come round she'd call the police as he was clearly being aggressive down the phone.

I cried when she hung up and she actually gave me a hug (that is very out of character for her) now I'm terrified he will come here and take the children away.

OP posts:
Wildestflower · 31/07/2017 19:32

He can't come and take the children away. Don't listen to any crap about how you can't have them because of your mental health. Write down word for word what he said on the phone, date and sign it. Take it to the solicitor tomorrow.

Good luck and God bless you!

MostIneptThatEverStepped · 31/07/2017 19:34

What an utter utter piece of shit he is. Your poor thing. So glad you are with your mum.

He can't get your kids off you, the deceitful scumbag.

CauliflowerSqueeze · 31/07/2017 19:35

Fucking arsehole.

Well done for spotting his "are you feeling ok?" SHIT.

How daaaaaare he make out you don't have a solicitor.

Delicious that he lost his blob when you mentioned the £500.
Don't worry. He'll get his.

MostIneptThatEverStepped · 31/07/2017 19:35

And don't hesitate to call the police if he does come round.

Sarahhere1992 · 31/07/2017 19:36

How dare he put this down to your mental health. He is STILL trying to manipulate you, to make out like you are delusional or making this up. I'm so glad you got photos and your mum also saw the evidence. How dare he, I feel SO angry at his response right now. He is a self-indulgent, manipulative pig. I'm so sorry you are going through this but you are being so strong for your DC and I'm glad your mum is there to support you too. This will be a rough few weeks - but just remember that you will be so much better off without him in the long run - he had undermined you and whittled down your self esteem for so long. You are worth so much more. He will soon start panicking and then probably turn to 'remorse' when he realises that he has ruined everything. But stay strong Op Flowers

kali110 · 31/07/2017 19:36

He's an abusive arsehole Angry
Dont let him threaten you

WatchingFromTheWings · 31/07/2017 19:37

and was really odd kept saying 'are you feeling okay?' And 'I've been worried about you for a while now' and said he thought I wasn't coping with DD and had been wondering if my depression was coming back.

What a wanker. Angry. Very obvious what he's up to here. So glad you took pictures and your mums seen everything. If he does turn up for the kids call the police immediately.

I'm sure you'll have no prob getting a solicitor.

Spartasprout · 31/07/2017 19:37

You've been so brave OP, and if it all feels overwhelming just put one foot in front of the other, keep breathing, one day soon you'll have such a different life without fear. Flowers

eddielizzard · 31/07/2017 19:38

he will threaten you with taking the children, but in reality he won't want the inconvenience. he's a thorough arsehole who is trying to make out it's all in your head and you're being unreasonable. so glad your mum has got your back.

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