It's not my necklace

[Foolmeoncefoolmetwice]

Hi I'm new here and I don't usually do forums but I just don't know where else to ask about this now. I've been sitting on it so long and I think I might be going a bit mad

I hope this isn't too long. Backstory is husband and I have been together 9 years, we have a 5 year old son and 2 year old daughter, he's a good husband and consistent if a bit distant father due to his long hours. No real problems with us aside from the occasional grind of general family life, although we did work through an incident of him kissing another woman when DS was a baby and he sent some flirty texts to a colleague too but it was years ago.

About a month ago my husband went on a business trip, gave me the address of the place he was staying and I didn't bat an eye, he goes on them several times a year, usually a couple of nights at a time. Day after he came back he went to work as usual and rang me from the office in a panic asking if he'd left his debit card at home. It wasn't here and he couldn't remember the last time he'd seen it.

I had the idea of calling the hotel to ask if they'd found it cleaning, the lady on reception was very nice and said 'oh mrs X you must be calling about your necklace, we found it In the bathroom how lucky for you it would have been such a shame to lose such lovely pearls!' I didn't know what to say really and my mind went sort of numb, so I just said thank you and could they possibly post it to me since I was several counties away and she said fine.

So it was posted to my house. I have it in the bedroom, it's a beautiful string of real pearls, it looks like something a queen would wear. I haven't said a word about it to him. Whenever I think about it I get all dizzy and feel I might be sick but I don't know why, it's been a long time since I've had any suspicions about him. I don't know if I want to know but it's making me crazy. I also don't know if I could break up our family, the thought makes me want to vomit.

I don't even know what I'm asking really. I know my head is in the sand but I honestly don't know what to do.

Just to say Foolemeonce, nobody is mocking or judging your behaviour within the marriage. If anyone here comes across as short or snippy it's because we are angry on your behalf.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I know how you feel with wanting definite proof. My ex husband had an affair for 2+ years, I was told and confronted him, he said it was all lies (I knew it wasn't) so I then snuck into his office and found emails on his laptop, even after that he was trying to minimise, blame me etc. It took another 3 months for never to leave but I don't regret taking that time.

You need to get used to the new reality, take small steps as often as possible - they will add up. Do the freedom programme, try and stash some money if you can (a few quid here and there from food shopping etc), take copies of documents, get into the finances drawer (pick the lock? Get the serial number and try and order a key as someone else suggested?). Just keep moving forward.

You can be an even better parent after divorce because you don't have the extra weight of dealing with a Cheating gaslighting idiot of a husband. I have such a close bond with my son and my ex is a better father than he ever was with me around as he has to step up and parent now. It really isnt the worst thing for children.

I'm from 'small town America', too, and I was raised a 'hardshell' Southern Baptist. But even they don't teach that divorce is a sin in and of itself. Regrettable, yes. Last resort, yes. But not an unforgivable sin. Nor do they teach that a wife should accept infidelity or abuse, which is against the teaching of Christ no matter what denomination you belong to. Remember "A man shall love his wife as Christ loves the Church". Your DH certainly isn't doing that, is he?

Unless you're in Utah (if you get my drift) there are little to no true Christian churches that teach that divorce is a 'sin'.

Your husband has broken faith with you. And he is certainly not acting as a true Christian husband does. A truly Christian husband values and cherishes his wife. He honours her as the mother of his children and keeper of his home. He considers her welfare in all the things he does, and in all the decisions he makes. He does not hide things from her. He seeks her opinions and feelings before making decisions as the 'head of the house'.

Your husband is using his 'Christianity' to bully, control, and abuse you. And to justify riding roughshod over your feelings because he is 'the boss' and 'comes first'. He has broken his vows. As far as I'm concerned, that releases you from yours. If you feel you will not get support from your parents or your church, then look outside it. There are many, many organizations for abused women (and that is what you are) in the US, even in small towns.

Please call the Domestic Abuse Hotline 1-800-799-7233

This is from their website (bolding mine):

Domestic violence includes behaviors that physically harm, arouse fear, prevent a partner from doing what they wish or force them to behave in ways they do not want. It includes the use of physical and sexual violence, threats and intimidation, emotional abuse and economic deprivation. Many of these different forms of domestic violence/abuse can be occurring at any one time within the same intimate relationship.

www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/abuse-defined/

They will help you find resources local to you, including a shelter if you so choose. Please contact them. You and your children deserve happiness, comfort, and security

oh mrs X you must be calling about your necklace, we found it In the bathroom how lucky for you it would have been such a shame to lose such lovely pearls!

I am struggling with this. If expensive pearls were left in a room, why would the hotel have not called the main occupant of the room. They'd have a mobile phone number. Why would they just put them aside and hope the owner remembers they left them in the hotel room?
It just seems very odd to me.

Ah, sorry. I misunderstood and thought you were still in the US. The phone number won't help, but the website is still full of good information.

Just wanted to add my support OP. I've been in this situation. And confrontation can be hard when you've no proof that he's lying to your face and continuing to do so. Dont let anyone make you rush. Gather your evidence and get ready in your own time. Good luck.

I am a catholic and have friends from church who are separated/divorced and even remarried. It is not a sin if the marriage is totally broken down and annulments can be granted under certain circumstances. Without the annulment it would be a sin to start a new relationship or remarry but annulments can and are granted.

My ex-fiance (thank fuck i never married him) was a cheat. He cheated on me three times. The first time after the loss of a child (I wasn't catholic then). I was grieving and he described me as 'boring'. No idea why but I gave him a second chance. The second time when we were living abroad and my Dad got very ill while living in a 3rd country and then died. He was cheating on me while I was away at the funeral and sorting out the estate. I didn't find out about that one until after the 3rd time. The 3rd time I was having a hard time at work and helping look after a friend with PND and generally just not concentrating 100% on him. He had an affair WITH the friend with PND!!!! They are both now well and truely out of my life. The lesson I learned is that people like him cheat if they do not have your total and undivided attention at all times. They will never support you when you need it. Your 'D'H sounds like that kind of man. I am now married to the most wonderful man. We have had 3 miscarriages since we got married and he has been by my side for all of them. We have grieved together and made each other our number one priority. The difference is astounding. I know when life gets really bad we will be a team and strong enough to conquer anything. I can trust him to have my back not stab me in it. You deserve this too. In an idea world your 'D'H will man up and take his place in the family. I hold out little hope for it. In the course of 11 years I discovered that the sunken costs fallacy definitely holds true with relationships.

I would suggest trying to get hold of all financial record and important stuff in case you ever need it but at the same time invest some time into yourself. Get some skills or qualifications that could help you in the future, find your strengths other than as the clearly awesome wife and mother you are and find your happy places. And don't beat yourself up for the PND. It is a chemical imbalance in your brain, not a reflection on your abilities as a mother. You had no control over it. It was probably made worse by your husband not putting all his efforts into helping you around the house and with the baby and giving you time and space to recover. You have fought through it to be an even better Mum for it. Give yourself the recognition you deserve for that.

maximum because there is only one religion in the world

Fool I too was brought up in a similar way. Very strong strict religious environment. Certainly made to feel that women who look after men have the greatest value. It impacted my first few relationships terribly then I woke up.

Don't let people on here who have no idea what has shaped you world view try to bully you into doing things sooner than you are ready for. Take it at your pace. As plant said, it is mostly because they are angry on your behalf.

Do look into the Freedom Progamme. It could really help you combat some of the rigid ideas you were brought up with.

I'm sorry to hear that your mother isn't likely to be a source of support. Hopefully in time she will understand. Have a think about who you might be able to turn to, even if they aren't extremely close to you, real life support is so important.

This is probably do over whelming for you. As supportive as there sorta of threads are I think they can be quite scary too because they make you are the things you have been avoiding - that can be a lot to take.

Find little ways to look after yourself.

Randomer - all youve done here so far is make snide comments upthread about Cluedo when someone's marriage is falling apart. If you want to report me as a troll or fake thread or whatever then go ahead.

To everyone else, I don't know that the hotel didn't already ring my husband when they found them. I don't know if he knows I have them.

Thanks to those who've pm'd me with advice and support, it means a lot.

am american too
are you from one of the "old school"religous followings.
even roman catholics dont have too much trouble with divorce anymore.lds and some others still are terribly archaic

better to be happy
being unhappy is a sin
adultry is a sin

having to rebuild your life sucks.
but is it better for your babies to see you in an unhappy life
being abused> yes you are being abused
it will effect them for the rest of thier lives.and i promise you any child more than cradle age knows something is wrong.

take your time(not forever) and work thru it
still havent figured out if you are in states or elsewhere.
if you are in states there are many helpful organizations out there.including alot of churches.of all sorts of denominations.and loads of free legal help

on the otherhand i am a proactive sort and when i saw some of my personally designed artwork tattoo'd on a girl on a bus.
asked very innocently how much she had paid for it.
she blushed and stammered.hmmm,
told her call(ex) and tell him to start packing

as for the pearl necklace(shades of zz top)
i would clasp it around his neck while sleeping and leave

best wishes

"To everyone else, I don't know that the hotel didn't already ring my husband when they found them. I don't know if he knows I have them".

I do not think your H has any idea at all that you have these pearls and they did not contact him. He has no idea either that they were subsequently sent to you because the hotel thought they were yours.
He checked out of this room and these pearls were in there. He was more concerned at the time about his missing debit card (that call from him to you about that made you call the hotel in the first place) and forgot about the pearls altogether.

I also doubt your mother will ever understand so she cannot be relied upon ultimately.

I too don't think the hotel would have rang your dh . They sounded by your description so pleased you had got in touch so to them the case was closed .

My DP once left a credit card and doorpass in a hotel in London and realised at the airport that he forgot the items in the hotel safe in the room. When he phoned the hotel they confirmed the items had been logged in the lost and found book. Perhaps the hotel was due to phone him but they definitely didn't ring as soon as the items where found.

Hope you are well OP.

Brenna that is an outstanding post

thank you. I hope it helps foolme even in a small way. I didn't realise it was quite so long though.

Brenna your post really touched me, I'm so desperately sorry for your miscarriages and glad you have a good man by your side now. I know my PND wasn't helped by him or my mother but I've spent years telling people what a good man he was to me at the time and how he helped me get through it. I understand that more as family and social conditioning now, but it runs so deep. God bless you xx

I have no advice but do what is right for you!! Wishing you Love, Happiness & Joy!! You can control your Destiny! All the best, Choose Love, Choose You💕

Thank you FoolMe. I am currently over 11 weeks pregnant with another one, have had 2 scans which showed all was well at 6 and 9 weeks. Next scan this friday which I am relatively hopeful for.

I hope you can find some thing to do that will allow you to rediscover who you are, what you enjoy and can do and give you your confidence back. how about a childminder? It would allow you to work from home, do something you are already good at and fit in around the kids. You could sign up at a local college to do the qualifications. Plus you have to find a hobby just for you - after splitting up with my ex I discovered I have a great head for heights and started rock climbing and Munro bagging. I never thought I would be that daring

OP why won't you answer these kinda questions?

Why won't you just smash the drawer open? Why not just ask him right there to open the drawer?

If you're too scared then that's just another reason why you should leave the marriage.

I have taken the children and gone to my mothers, I'll update when I have time. I found things in his drawer and it's disgusting, the other woman's things I'm guessing and he has a whole other bank account where he's withdrawing hundreds of pounds at a time. God bless you alpaca if it weren't for your post I would never have thought about looking behind things

So sorry to hear this OP
Take care of yourself and your little ones while this sinks in.

Shocked for you, op. Well done on being so courageous.

OP did you take/copy any statements? If you are married, half of everything he has is yours and vice versa and he know this.

I took pictures of everything, we don't have a scanner, will that be enough?

As long as you can clearly see his name and the a/c number, it will have to do for now.

Does he know you've found them?