It's not my necklace

[Foolmeoncefoolmetwice]

Hi I'm new here and I don't usually do forums but I just don't know where else to ask about this now. I've been sitting on it so long and I think I might be going a bit mad

I hope this isn't too long. Backstory is husband and I have been together 9 years, we have a 5 year old son and 2 year old daughter, he's a good husband and consistent if a bit distant father due to his long hours. No real problems with us aside from the occasional grind of general family life, although we did work through an incident of him kissing another woman when DS was a baby and he sent some flirty texts to a colleague too but it was years ago.

About a month ago my husband went on a business trip, gave me the address of the place he was staying and I didn't bat an eye, he goes on them several times a year, usually a couple of nights at a time. Day after he came back he went to work as usual and rang me from the office in a panic asking if he'd left his debit card at home. It wasn't here and he couldn't remember the last time he'd seen it.

I had the idea of calling the hotel to ask if they'd found it cleaning, the lady on reception was very nice and said 'oh mrs X you must be calling about your necklace, we found it In the bathroom how lucky for you it would have been such a shame to lose such lovely pearls!' I didn't know what to say really and my mind went sort of numb, so I just said thank you and could they possibly post it to me since I was several counties away and she said fine.

So it was posted to my house. I have it in the bedroom, it's a beautiful string of real pearls, it looks like something a queen would wear. I haven't said a word about it to him. Whenever I think about it I get all dizzy and feel I might be sick but I don't know why, it's been a long time since I've had any suspicions about him. I don't know if I want to know but it's making me crazy. I also don't know if I could break up our family, the thought makes me want to vomit.

I don't even know what I'm asking really. I know my head is in the sand but I honestly don't know what to do.

You have to stop worrying about what everyone else thinks and live your own life. He has cheated before, possibly (likely) doing it again. Your mum may not be supportive, but this is your life. I think you need to see a counsellor and realise this is your life to live as YOU choose. Fair enough if you are willing to accept betrayal, but if not, get yourself confident to say enough is enough. Having a religious/conservative upbringing doesn't mean you have to be a lifelong doormat.

OP - no one here can help you - you can only help yourself. I know it sounds like a cliche but you know what you have to do.

Get proof, get the drawer open, find out where those fucking pearls came from.

None of this is actually that hard - it's getting up the courage.

You can choose to be happy or choose to stay in your dysfunctional marriage.

If you find concrete evidence of cheating, would you be able to leave then?
If not....why are you looking? You will be torturing yourself knowing more
If yes...you don't need to "prove" his infidelity to have permission to leave. It's clear he is not a good husband and you aren't happy. You don't actually need more than that given he has already been unfaithful. You can divorce him now. I would forget the necklace and consult a solicitor about your rights

You've got a choice. You either resign yourself to a life of being cheated on and settling for second best or you confront him re the pearls/control/secrecy.
It all depends how much cheating you can take because he won't stop I don't think.

Oh and while you are using the 'divorce is a sin' as an avoidance strategy it might be worth remembering that keeping pearls that don't belong to you aint exactly righteous.

Where I come from the man is the head of the house, the wife's job is making a good home raising the children and keeping him happy while he provides. Divorce is a sin and will ruin your children's lives.

Whereas your parents adhering to the rules of your religion and societal pressures has made their child's life a wonderful bed of roses.

Staying will ruin their lives as you will be teaching them exactly the same nonsense and the cycle will continue.

You start getting your life back one bit at a time. It is a process, not a one-stop.

Take away your marriage and your DC, and think about who you are. What do you enjoy doing? How can you make friends so you have a support network? Is it possible for you to use any qualifications you have or get some? God loves all His children. The Bible contains much wisdom, but it was written thousands of years ago when times were different. And nowhere I am sure does it say you, as a wife, should not have your own identity, and not be respected by your husband. Marriage is intended as a reciprocal contract; both parties should be able to grow and fulfil the potential they were born with. What is your potential?

I think you need to ask yourself, if it is adultery, am I getting out?? Because if you are not going to take action then it comes down to 2 things, do I need to know more or do I live with this kind KFC stuff and accept it, some women do, some do for a time for practical reasons and some have their bags packed ready and waiting.

Confused now
Are you in the US

I thought my potential was in being a wife and mother, I thought that was my vocation. I haven't thought about what I want outside of the family in years

I don't think you should rush into anything if you're not comfortable with it however it's obvious he is taking you for granted. Divorce cannot be a sin when the alternatuve is staying with a cheating husband and teaching your children that it's ok to treat people how you're being treated. You will not have failed anything if this does end in divorce it is your husband who is failing. But I do agree with above posters that if you need to take your time than take it but you have already sat on the pearls for a month so how much longer can you wait

Then I felt like a terrible mother anyway for having pnd and not loving my son right away

US or UK?

I am delurking, I have been reading from the start.

OP, do you live in a no fault state for divorce? I know that some states are automatically 50/50 split with finances but others will award greater amounts to the wronged party in event of divorce.

If it's the later then you need to take things very carefully. If he suspects you know about OW and it could cost him a huge amount in a divorce settlement and alimony you could be in a dangerous situation. Be careful

OP I mean this in a nice way. It's 2017, there is more to life than 'just' being a wife/mother. It's almost like you're both living as it was 50 years ago! You have absolutely zero information on your own finances, he gives you an allowance. He goes out/stays out whenever he likes.

Who gives a fuck what anyone thinks should you break up. Even if it ended up in divorce. Do you think your husband gives a shit? No he doesn't. He doesn't respect you. He doesn't respect your children.

Even if he isn't cheating OP, you can still end this relationship if you aren't happy purely because of how he's treating you.

But I'm gunna be honest. You're either 1) going to bury it at the back of your mind and hope it goes away and continue being the perfect wife so not to 'break up the family' or 2) you'll have it out with him but you'll accept whatever shitty excuse he gives you.

You don't have to have 'proof' that he's cheated. You already know he's up to no good!

If you wish to stay with him then it's fine for you - only you have children with him and you're meant to set a good example and protect them from harm or neglect. Do you want your children growing up feeling the way you do? 'Shamed' into staying in a marriage? Do you want your children growing up knowing full well their dad isnt interested in them? THAT op will do far more damage than it would if you left him.

But you won't. You'll either keep it to yourself or accept whatever crap he tells you. Most people would've hammered that drawer opened by now! I don't unferstand why you won't?

Which is a shame because you and your children deserve better. And you can give them better but right now you're choosing to bury your head in the sand

Born in us, now live in U.K. As I wrote earlier

OP, I just want to say, I understand where you're coming from culturally/religiously. That's not my background but I am familiar with it and I know how deeply that upbringing affects how you see the world and how it shapes your behaviour, especially as a woman. I think you're doing so well, you're being so brave to start to question these ideas and to take some actions. Be safe and take care of yourself, and know too that there's a life on the other side of that upbringing that is still moral and is much kinder to you as a human being.

Can you look into the freedom programme with women's aid OP?

What's the freedom program?

Op if people are being harsh it's because they're angry on your behalf. Please don't feel attacked as I know it can feel like that on here sometimes. You're in a horrid situation and I know it's extremely difficult to forget very early training about what you should want and do.

You need to focus on yourself for a while. Ultimately it doesn't matter about DH cheating - obviously it hurts like hell but it is not time sensitive. What is time sensitive is working out where you stand financially so that if he leaves you you can manage alone. Maybe you should see a solicitor before anything else and find out exactly what you need to find out.

The freedom programme is a great idea. However I really feel you need to prepare yourself for a worst case scenario (he leaves you now with no money) before you can concentrate on working out what an ideal situation for yourself is.

Freedom Programme

I have linked you to the 'find a course' page to find a course near you.

I can't recommend this course highly enough. It is a wonderful course, non-threatening, supportive ; plus you meet others in a similar position (there's nothing quite like peer support imo). The facilitators are skilled and don't push, they know how hard it is to face up to difficult stuff about your relationship. It is anonymous if you choose, no one will push or force. The Freedom Programme changed my life.

I do feel that the wonderful support on the Freedom Programme puts the wind in our sails to start inching forward, knowing we are supported.

I agree that making an appt with a lawyer will give you a ball park figure of how much you can expect should you split. I think you will be pleasantly surprised op. Many family lawyers offer a free first half hour which is plenty of time to find out where you stand legally and financially. Women's Aid (affiliated to the Freedom Programme) will have a list of lawyers you can approach.

Women's Aid national helpline is 0808 2000 247 - however, it's not easy to get through except overnight (7pm-7am) so try your local Women's Aid. If you can't get through then do leave a message with your contact details and a safe time to call (they will not under any circumstances divulge who they are unless they know they are talking to you).

Do you know how to delete your Internet history? cover your tracks online

Btw I left my abusive husband even though we were up to our necks in the church. Sadly, many controlling men are attracted to the supposed Christian teaching of the submitted wife.

Is your husband also American?