It's not my necklace

[Foolmeoncefoolmetwice]

Hi I'm new here and I don't usually do forums but I just don't know where else to ask about this now. I've been sitting on it so long and I think I might be going a bit mad

I hope this isn't too long. Backstory is husband and I have been together 9 years, we have a 5 year old son and 2 year old daughter, he's a good husband and consistent if a bit distant father due to his long hours. No real problems with us aside from the occasional grind of general family life, although we did work through an incident of him kissing another woman when DS was a baby and he sent some flirty texts to a colleague too but it was years ago.

About a month ago my husband went on a business trip, gave me the address of the place he was staying and I didn't bat an eye, he goes on them several times a year, usually a couple of nights at a time. Day after he came back he went to work as usual and rang me from the office in a panic asking if he'd left his debit card at home. It wasn't here and he couldn't remember the last time he'd seen it.

I had the idea of calling the hotel to ask if they'd found it cleaning, the lady on reception was very nice and said 'oh mrs X you must be calling about your necklace, we found it In the bathroom how lucky for you it would have been such a shame to lose such lovely pearls!' I didn't know what to say really and my mind went sort of numb, so I just said thank you and could they possibly post it to me since I was several counties away and she said fine.

So it was posted to my house. I have it in the bedroom, it's a beautiful string of real pearls, it looks like something a queen would wear. I haven't said a word about it to him. Whenever I think about it I get all dizzy and feel I might be sick but I don't know why, it's been a long time since I've had any suspicions about him. I don't know if I want to know but it's making me crazy. I also don't know if I could break up our family, the thought makes me want to vomit.

I don't even know what I'm asking really. I know my head is in the sand but I honestly don't know what to do.

I agree user

I don't wish to sound unsympathetic Op, but really, you've sat on pearls that don't belong to you for a month, you started this thread on Thursday it is now Sunday and you have done nothing.
Do you actually want to reesolve this? I can't help thinking that you are burying your head in the sand because of what you might find.
Either just confront him or break into the bloody drawer so that financially you know where you stand.
Guilty or innocent you have to have the conversation with him.
You need to end your misery one way or the other.

OP you take all the time you need. This is a massive, potentially life changing position and you do not have to rush into anything. It will take a while to sink in properly and you are also probably in shock. I second telling a close friend if you can.

The reason that posters are suggesting getting access to the financial paperwork is to secure your future situation as well as providing possible further proof that he has been spending money on someone else.

The reason posters are suggesting that you check the car/gym kit is that they suspect a second, secret phone. Any more evidence that you find will help you when you tell him that you know he's been cheating on you and will also help if you eventually decide to divorce.

It's ok to bide your time and keep looking for opportunities to access those spaces that he is keeping locked/hidden. Keep posting for support.

THIS IS NUTS

It's not as simple as just talking to each other about being unhappy, he is happy having me at home looking after his children, I don't know how many more times or how else to say my upbringing is making it harder to confront everything.

Where I come from the man is the head of the house, the wife's job is making a good home raising the children and keeping him happy while he provides. Divorce is a sin and will ruin your children's lives.

Cucking - people are suggesting that the OP gets access to the financial papers so she knows what money they have and where it is, not for "proof" of infidelity, but for when she DOES decide to leave him and he tried to cry poverty. At least, that's what I'm doing.

I'm working to the principle that the OP needs to get everything sorted, ducks all in a row, all information possible in her hand about her marriage situation, and then she can tell him it's over and she's off.

There may be more "proof" in the financial papers, there may not - but she needs to KNOW what's going on with their money.

I get the religious stuff - can I recommend you read the book "cherished" by Gary Thomas. It might help...

Who and what keeps you happy?

Oh ffs.

Goodness, all of you sitting there saying you would do this or that can happily sit there and say that with ease.

Reading OP's updates only shows what kind of situation she is in. I don't think many women could spend a whole month knowing her husband had left some pearls in a hotel room without confronting him in some way.

Her situation is controlled by a very manipulative man. One who even refers to her as a 'clockwork wife'! He knows she doesn't challenge or change her manipulated lifestyle so he can do what the fuck he likes. His children aren't so compliant, because of course, they're children. They wake him up in the night even though it's mummy that deals with them and storms out, staying out overnight and only returning the following day to prevent a change from occurring, when OP asked re using the car. It was the same when she queried the finances, despite him drinking enough not to be able to drive- he bunged some cash into her account for the children instead of going through them together.

OP your life will not change unless you find the strength to change it. Don't listen to people telling you to pull your finger out as they don't understand what you're going through. Look at the freedom programme though- I do think you would benefit from it.
You will find the strength and I don't think you're too far away from finding it. We are with you every step of the way. Sod your mothers pathetic justification for his affair. That is ludicrous. If she is religious then I'm very surprised she would condone that.

Find the strength OP.

"Where I come from the man is the head of the house, the wife's job is making a good home raising the children and keeping him happy while he provides. Divorce is a sin and will ruin your children's lives".

I also note that your mother excused your H's previous cheating as well so you will get no support from her in any case. The above is probably your mother's overall attitude to marriage rather than in itself the general opinion of the country she was born and raised in. What you were taught about relationships particularly if it is along these lines is in itself damaging. She certainly has a lot to answer for and no wonder you have been stymied to date.

Is he of the same religion OP?

And you are bringing your children up to have the same beliefs?

That men can do whatever they want whilst women should get treated badly and put up with it?

I can't recall how many children you have, their ages or their sex (or maybe you haven't nentioned it) but please think about what example you are setting them?

You say your mother condoned your husband first cheating on you, but you are condoning his cheating too by staying with him.

If you have a daughter and one day found out her husband was cheating on her, would you condone that and tell her tough, that's what women have to put up with because religion says so?

If you wouldn't condone a husband cheating on your daughter why do you condone your husband cheating on you?

If you have a son do you want him to grow up thinking he can disrespect his wife and cheat on her and it's ok because that's all his religion says women are worth? That all they're good for is looking after children and nothing else?

Like I said - think about the examples you are setting to your children about what behaviours are acceptable in a marriage.

It seems that you have become so dependent on him that you both think that you won't ever leave the marriage. It is what gives him the security to behave badly. You are right to work on a get out strategy before you confront him. If then you confront him and forgive him, you know it's because you chose to stay, not because he made it difficult for you to leave. It's about gaining control of you r life again. I get it.

You need to draft some help in, professional or friends.

Could you say you weee thinking of volunteering and they need to do a dbs check for passports and just ask for the key? Amy excuse to get the key off him. Or while he is sleeping??

Where I come from the man is the head of the house, the wife's job is making a good home raising the children and keeping him happy while he provides. Divorce is a sin

I take it you're not from this country?
(Trying to think of a country/ies where men are head of the households and women are treated like second class citizens)

Divorce is a sin
Which religion is that?

OK, so we have more of the 'back story' now.

I think people need to be careful about advising OP to 'break into the drawer' and 'ransack his car for clues'

If he's this controlling and still stuck in the dark ages, to the point he thinks that wives are merely there to keep their husbands happy, then it's quite possible that this man also thinks it's still acceptable to hit women.
For all we know.

So, in light of the recent updates, you are doing the right thing with the softly softly approach.
You shouldn't bloody have to, but you don't want to put yourself in a dangerous situation where he might lash out at you.

cersei that is called domestic discipline according to another thread on here.

OP, get yourself to Timpson or any key cutting service with the make of the desk/filing cabinet and ask how to open it. If you can do it without damaging the lock do so.

Thinking of you OP. Keep doing what you're doing, you will know when the time is right to take the next step.

OP please ignore those posters who are trying to rush you into doing something. I have found Mumsnet to largely be a supportive place, but sometimes certain posters seem to get annoyed if you don't do exactly as they say, by their schedule. This is your life, not theirs.

Divorce may be a sin but adultery certainly is

I've said before you need to get the info - you don't necessarily need to act on the info straight away. Just take it a step at a time.

You know full well he's washing the gym kit when you are out because it's not actually dirty - he's not been using it

Without being too outing I'm from small town America, we moved here after my father died, bit of a long story but where I was raised it was very conservative. I can't condone him cheating on me I've just. Even browbeaten into making allowances for it because I was a 'bad wife' at the time

. You weren't a bad wife. You were ill.

She's not turning a blind eye! Sorry OP to refer to you in 3rd person but it is obvious that you are quite far along the journey when you start to unravell the part your childhood played in your people pleasing now.
I was the same. I read some good articles called "the problem with being too nice". I couldnt find it but the gist was that if you wont let anybody be nice TO you and can on BE nice, then it scares away the good people because they sense your boundaries and pay attentiin to them and respect them. People pleasers more comfortable giving, uncomfortable receiving (consideration, generosity, time, effort, support) end up surrounded by Boundary-Eroders. Takers.

Divorce isn't a sin... the bible doesn't teach that.