It's not my necklace

[Foolmeoncefoolmetwice]

Hi I'm new here and I don't usually do forums but I just don't know where else to ask about this now. I've been sitting on it so long and I think I might be going a bit mad

I hope this isn't too long. Backstory is husband and I have been together 9 years, we have a 5 year old son and 2 year old daughter, he's a good husband and consistent if a bit distant father due to his long hours. No real problems with us aside from the occasional grind of general family life, although we did work through an incident of him kissing another woman when DS was a baby and he sent some flirty texts to a colleague too but it was years ago.

About a month ago my husband went on a business trip, gave me the address of the place he was staying and I didn't bat an eye, he goes on them several times a year, usually a couple of nights at a time. Day after he came back he went to work as usual and rang me from the office in a panic asking if he'd left his debit card at home. It wasn't here and he couldn't remember the last time he'd seen it.

I had the idea of calling the hotel to ask if they'd found it cleaning, the lady on reception was very nice and said 'oh mrs X you must be calling about your necklace, we found it In the bathroom how lucky for you it would have been such a shame to lose such lovely pearls!' I didn't know what to say really and my mind went sort of numb, so I just said thank you and could they possibly post it to me since I was several counties away and she said fine.

So it was posted to my house. I have it in the bedroom, it's a beautiful string of real pearls, it looks like something a queen would wear. I haven't said a word about it to him. Whenever I think about it I get all dizzy and feel I might be sick but I don't know why, it's been a long time since I've had any suspicions about him. I don't know if I want to know but it's making me crazy. I also don't know if I could break up our family, the thought makes me want to vomit.

I don't even know what I'm asking really. I know my head is in the sand but I honestly don't know what to do.

You've asked him about going through the finances together, you've asked him about the spare car keys, if you ask him about joining the gym/gym fees, then he's going to know that you're aware of his cheating. I agree with getting your plans in order before you have it all out in the open. Plus make sure you're using protection if having sex. Good luck Op. xx

So he goes out for drinks with friends because he works so hard but then doesn't come back until the afternoon and you take the children to the park to give him a break???
You have no idea how to access your finances and no means of using the car???
Bizarre

Fool me I think you are very insightful about your behaviour. You are identifying traits and being honest. It will stand you in good stead in future relationships if you learn to trust your feelings.
You are doing really well and are being brace. A breakup without infidelity is hard enough. You are having to be a sleuth whilst acting the adoring wife. You are fab

Your husband is a twat.

Shame you can't break into the drawers ...

Sorry, OP. Sounds like you're in a crappy position.

What does clockwork wife even mean? It seems like a backhanded compliment

'Clockwork wife' is NOT a compliment. He's basically calling you a Stepford Wife.

www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Stepford%20Wife

Is this really what you want for the rest of your life?

I'm so sorry, OP. What a dreadful mess! All I can add is that you must find a way of getting access to your H's paperwork very quickly. My XH kept all of his at the office, which should have raised a red flag for me but I was stupidly trusting. Fortunately for me, he was forced to provide all financial documents in court. Except for his offshore accounts, which I knew existed from early in our marriage but he denied having.

Get yourself a solicitor. Then find a locksmith to open the drawers the next time he goes away. Copy everything, Protect yourself and your DC financially.

Divorce is very tough but living with a man who lies and cheats and betrays you is the road to insanity.

The pearls are unimportant other than being unquestionable evidence of his betrayal. Hide them, deny knowledge of them but do tell your solicitor.

Good luck!

Urgh, I'm so sorry you're going through this!

I think you're going to have to find a way to access those locked drawers, and without him knowing. You might have to wait until he's away again though, to give you the time - but a locksmith should be able to do it quickly enough. Or you could even try picking the lock yourself - this is an American site but I'm sure there are similar in the UK - it shouldn't take long to learn how!

And so worth it. Then when you have access to all the papers, photograph/copy them all - you won't be able to use them for legal purposes, but at least you'll KNOW what's there to be able to get legal help to know where to LOOK.

See a solicitor to find out where you stand should things come to a real head - and believe me, I understand your reluctance to get that far, but knowledge is power in these situations. It's not beyond the realms of possibility that, should you challenge him, he'll tell you shit like "You'd never get custody of the children because XYZ", all of which is most likely to be utter bollocks. So it really helps to know what's right and true and possible upfront.

Good luck - what an utterly fucked up situation :(

Foolme are you ok??

Why does op need to access papers ?? She has all the proof she needs in the necklace ? What good is going through his papers going to achieve ? What are you hoping to find ? I genuinely don't see what the big deal is with papers and gym bag ? For me the pearls are the dead giveaway . that and the way the hotel responded as though he had his wife staying and they were so glad you rang to recover your forgotten pearls !

I am angry on the inside cucking but it won't help my children if I blow up with no proof and he pulls the wool over my eyes AGAIN. I am far from feeling calm or normal, I 'gave him a break' because I wanted to see if he washed his gym kit while I was out again. I have sat on those damn pearls for a whole month while I psyched myself up to even try and dig deeper. Congratulations on being so decisive and strong, it wasn't how I was raised to act in a marriage and I don't even know where to start getting myself back together. This place has at least opened my eyes to how weak I've become.

The thing that I find so sad is that he probably knows you know what he's up to but he also knows you're willing to put up with it.

I think he knows you have the pearls and the fact he's still behaving the way he is just proves how little respect he has for you. He's not even bothered that it know and probably has a good laugh about it with his friends about how he's gotten away with it and will continue to do so.

I have no idea how you've managed to carry on with the pretence for a month, I would have had it out with my DH the sane day the Hotel called, but if you've been conditioned in the marriage to be compliant and let him do whatever he wants then I can understand why it isn't easy for you to suddenly stand up for yourself.

You need to find the strength from somewhere though OP because this is no way to live and you deserve so much better.

You are not weak op. You have mumsnet supporting you but if you have anyone who could support you in real life then tell them what you're going through. Take your time in finding out what's going on financially if you have to but don't let him get away with everything just to keep the peace. I think you need to know exactly what's going on so you can accept it then deal with it

Writer - it tears me apart that he might know that I know, but is still behaving the same anyway. None of his behaviour has suddenly changed or anything. But then it didn't when he cheated before?

I had a very religious upbringing

My heart goes out to you Foolme

Have there been any developments since yesterday?

I don't have that many friends, my father is dead and my mother would not be sipportive, she excused him cheating before because i had pnd

Apologies havent read the thread in full but I would get all your paperwork together, see a solicitor and start divorce proceedings. Put the necklace on and await his moment of horror/recognition when he sees it, then calmly tell him you are divorcing him and are keeping the necklace. Even if inside you are shitting it, you can do this. Is there family you can stay with for a while? Please dont let this drag on he is taking the piss massively xxx

Sorry just seen your post about family, any friends you can stay with?

I'm sorry op . You ARE NOT WEAK . You are a stronger woman than I ever could be as your holdin things together so well . I'm a explode first think later type and that's my downfall . I am sorry for thinking you may have been a troll. I do apologise sincerely for that . I really do wish you well and that you and the kids get the happiness you deserve and he gets his cummupence . Well done on being so brave op xxx

Do you have one friend that you can talk to in real life ? You really need to be able To talk things over with someone for your own sanity . Even if you talk to your gp and he /she could offer you some support or give you the number for a councelling service like talking changes

Morning Foolme - I'm sure you are having difficulties processing all this information about your husband. Do you have any family or a close friend you can confide in? When he called you "clockwork" do you think he meant you are so reliable to times?! Meaning he knows your routines inside out. Could you not be as reliable ie; don't go to the park with the kids when you usually do. Can you pop out by yourself when you like. It seems he gets out a couple of times a week. What about YOU. Re finances - did you mention he took over the finances when you had your child. Can you not say I'm up to managing them now and see what he says. It would be good to monitor him more closely and discreetly which you are doing. He's a free agent really - he does what he wants when he wants. I hope you have some support for yourself. Look after yourself.

This thread is getting ridiculous.

You aren't happy in your marriage, he isn't happy in his marriage, perhaps you both just need to discuss your marriage and where to go forward with it????

My sister was with a man for 10 years (not married) and they had two children together. They always gave the impression of things being normal and she always appeared happy etc and then one day out of the blue she told me she was leaving him. She broke down and told me he was having an affair, he was withholding money from her and then she told me how he had distanced himself from their children too (who were 7 and 3) and that she couldn't carry on anymore. She said things had been like this for almost a year and she'd turned a blind eye to his behaviours because she was too ashamed to tell anyone in the family, or her friends, the truth about their relationship.

I'm very close to my sister and I was heartbroken that she hadn't felt able to confide in me earlier. She told me she'd now reached the point where she had to leave because she could see the damage it was doing to her children.

Anyway, two days later I picked her and the children up and they came to live with me and my DH for a month - she hadn't told her partner she was going, he didn't know about it until he came home from work and found them all gone. After the month of staying with me they all then went and lived with our dad for a month and then with our mom for a month. During this time she sorted out all the practicalities of finances and finding somewhere to live. During her times of staying with the family members it did put pressures on us because we were having to take the children to nursery and school and take my sister to work, and do the pick ups (my sister didn't drive) as well as work oyrvien jobs etc and we all had to supplement her financially too BUT we pulled together as a family and made it work because we loved her and the children and we knew that we'd do whatever we could if it meant she didn't return to her Ex. It was a huge upheaval for her, her 7 year old even had to move to a different school due to where they ended up living and it was a tough 6 months for them all.

That was 4 years ago now and she's now settled in a lovely house, the children are so, so much happier and she's engaged to a wonderful man.

I guess the point in trying to make is that as scary as the prospect is of leaving and as hard as it may be, it will always be worth it. When she first made the decision to leave she felt like she was battling Everest, but now when she looks back it's all just a distant memory and she now lives a very different and much happier life.

I don't know how old you are but my sister was 30 when she left him which is so, so young and she knows that at the time she potentially had a good 40 years of life still ahead of her and that the 6 months of difficulties following her leaving him were just a dip in the ocean compared to that.

Please reach out to someone in real life and you may be surprised what people are willing to do to help you escape such an awful marriage