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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

It's not my necklace

999 replies

Foolmeoncefoolmetwice · 27/07/2017 15:36

Hi I'm new here and I don't usually do forums but I just don't know where else to ask about this now. I've been sitting on it so long and I think I might be going a bit mad

I hope this isn't too long. Backstory is husband and I have been together 9 years, we have a 5 year old son and 2 year old daughter, he's a good husband and consistent if a bit distant father due to his long hours. No real problems with us aside from the occasional grind of general family life, although we did work through an incident of him kissing another woman when DS was a baby and he sent some flirty texts to a colleague too but it was years ago.

About a month ago my husband went on a business trip, gave me the address of the place he was staying and I didn't bat an eye, he goes on them several times a year, usually a couple of nights at a time. Day after he came back he went to work as usual and rang me from the office in a panic asking if he'd left his debit card at home. It wasn't here and he couldn't remember the last time he'd seen it.

I had the idea of calling the hotel to ask if they'd found it cleaning, the lady on reception was very nice and said 'oh mrs X you must be calling about your necklace, we found it In the bathroom how lucky for you it would have been such a shame to lose such lovely pearls!' I didn't know what to say really and my mind went sort of numb, so I just said thank you and could they possibly post it to me since I was several counties away and she said fine.

So it was posted to my house. I have it in the bedroom, it's a beautiful string of real pearls, it looks like something a queen would wear. I haven't said a word about it to him. Whenever I think about it I get all dizzy and feel I might be sick but I don't know why, it's been a long time since I've had any suspicions about him. I don't know if I want to know but it's making me crazy. I also don't know if I could break up our family, the thought makes me want to vomit.

I don't even know what I'm asking really. I know my head is in the sand but I honestly don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Thinkingofausername1 · 29/07/2017 19:13

I agree with another poster. Wear the pearls and say you can't believe he has got you them, you love them and they are a wonderful surprise and sorry you came across them before he could give them to you!!!
Awkward!!
You deserve better Flowers

Original poster
Foolmeoncefoolmetwice · 29/07/2017 19:38

He has been home this afternoon, I text him saying I thought there was something wrong with my car and where were his spare keys so I could make a run to the shops, he said he didnt know where his keys were and could it wait until he got back and he'd do it for me. He came back reasonably quick and I had to invent a shopping emergency.

I took the children to the park and as usual when I got back his gym kit was drying in the hall so he has done it while I was out. I said I thought I'd get the children 'out of his hair' if he'd had a session and he gave me a big hugs and said 'what would I do without my clockwork wife?' I grew up in an environment with very traditional ideas about marriage and once I would have been thrilled to hear that. I wonder if all my bovine grovelling really is an act or if I actually mean some of it because I've been conditioned that way. I have such a sick craving for his approval at the moment now I think something is going on, I can't explain it.

OP posts:
ShallanDavar · 29/07/2017 19:50

It may be that craving that's letting him get away with this stuff OP.

I'm not judging, I'm in a very similar marriage. My husband has had an affair in the past and I stayed, despite him refusing marriage counselling. 7 years later I still don't trust him and feel like a piece of me died with his betrayal. I'm financially dependent on him so trapped in that cycle of forgiveness and resentment. It's a crap place to be. Don't be me and let this slide. Get a locksmith in on Monday morning and if there's anything incriminating there, change the locks and pack his stuff. If I could have done it I would x

Icewindfire98 · 29/07/2017 19:59

Even without the affair - he's been out, stayed away last night then you've spent afternoon apart.
Most marriages would then balance that with he takes kids alone tomorrow morning and you all spend the rest of Sunday today as a family - I hope you have similar planned?

Icewindfire98 · 29/07/2017 20:01

And no he wasn't staying at his friends last night. Grown men with children don't actually stay over their mates house when they have a perfectly good bed at home

Writerwannabe83 · 29/07/2017 20:04

You say he came home in the afternoon?

Even if he had kipped on his mates sofa (doubtful) why was he not back first thing in the morning to spend time with you and the children?

I'm sorry OP but you are clearly very low down on his list of what's important to him.

Icewindfire98 · 29/07/2017 20:06

You and his kids - a father that's been at work all week usually wants to see his kids on a weekend - even if hungover especially if you are there to be helping him.

StarHeartDiamond · 29/07/2017 20:08

Which friend did he stay at? Do you know them? Do they have a family? If so, can you invent a reason to text the wife or partner, maybe to get together next weekend or something? He will be sweating if he knows you have a direct contact to that household outside his "friend".

Icewindfire98 · 29/07/2017 20:42

Yes text his wife/girlfriend - find out if he was there

randomer · 29/07/2017 20:55

This reply has been deleted

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CocoaLeaves · 29/07/2017 21:46

'clockwork wife' - that is a bizarre compliment - what does he even mean?

You are the mechanisms that keep the house going reliably for him?
He can do what he likes because the mechanism is dependable and won't stop?

Humans are not a set of gears and levers. You are not one of those wooden dolls that comes out of the clock on the hour and does a turn.

That is a 'compliment' that de-humanises you. It's bizarre.

pickledparsnip · 29/07/2017 21:54

I can't believe some posters are harking on about the pearls possibly being stolen. Seriously? Fuck off.

OP you and your children deserve more than this xxx

Zoflorabore · 29/07/2017 21:57

Oh op I'm so sorry you're going through this.
I mean this in the most gentle way but I think you may be putting off finding out the truth, you cannot live like this love.

You and your dc deserve the world, not a man who treats you with such little respect, I hope you're ok x

TakeThatFuckingDressOffNow · 29/07/2017 22:01

I'm so sorry about all of this. Just remember you will make it through this. You are going to have a long happy life, and even though what's coming next is tough, you will get through it and be a thousand times better off without him.

Don't let him grind you down for the next ten years, don't pretend that would be best for the children, because it wouldn't.

Wishing you all the love and strength in the world xxx

Ps. Get in that fucking draw, ASAP take photos of everything and email them to yourself / your mum / secret email address. Pensions, payslips, even stuff you think is irrelevant copy it all!!!

Ellisandra · 29/07/2017 22:09

The kind of man who carefully locks away financial papers does not strike me as the kind of man who would not know exactly where his spare car key is.

Cuckingfunt1981 · 29/07/2017 22:12

When are you going to confront him ? What good is all this avoidance doing ?sorry op but pretending it hasnt happened wont make it go away .

SandyY2K · 29/07/2017 22:14

I can't believe some posters are harking on about the pearls possibly being stolen. Seriously?
I totally agree.

What utter nonsense. Theft!!

Theft is taking something with the intention to permanently deprive the owner.

The OP didn't take the pearls for goodness sake.

OP, bide your time and don't go forcing the lock.

All those advising you to do that don't understand the problems that could cause.

Continue playing dumb and you'll be able to find out a lot more that way.

Oh... And those saying he took the car keys with him. So do I when I'm not driving as they're on one bunch. Nothing strange about that.

Cuckingfunt1981 · 29/07/2017 22:15

Just read back my comment I don't mean it in a nasty way . I'm just so angry for you and I do feel that your avoiding the inevitable . If you truly think you can forget what he has done and move on like nothing's happened then good for you but honestly love you truly deserve better . Please confront him. Why bother finding papers etc when u have all the proof you need in the pearls

SparklingRaspberry · 29/07/2017 22:18

I agree.

This will eat you up every single day OP.

Stop avoiding it. You need to have it out with him. It will never go away.

Roundandroundtheapartment · 29/07/2017 22:31

Nothing more to add that anybody else hasn't already but just Flowers a show of support and trust your instincts...they're rarely wrong

Ifeelworthless · 29/07/2017 22:42

The kind of man who carefully locks away financial papers does not strike me as the kind of man who would not know exactly where his spare car key is.

^^this with bells on. Unfortunately for you, you are dealing with a very deceitful cunning 'partner'. Someone that was willing to be unfaithful at a very delicate time in your life - the birth of your first born. I'm sorry, I don't want to distress you further but this person is not on your side. It's all v well to bury your head, many do successfully for years but for your sake, your mental health and your children, you need to get into that drawer and get your ducks in a row. He may v well be happy to continue as is with a bit on the side but since he seems to be detaching he may very well leave and you'll have no choice but deal with it then. Please don't give him anymore power. Protect yourself from further abuse.

And also forget about the stupid pearl. The OW is not going to take things further re those. And in that event the OP could play dumb and say she thought they were intended for her but in the grand scheme of things they are irrelevant. Also thoughfor reference I also wear them at times as I inherited a beautiful set from my grandmother but would never have thought of buying them myself....

Carlz84 · 29/07/2017 22:42

Just read your post. Well done on being so strong through this! You're doing the right thing by trying to find proof before confronting him, as there might be a really good explanation! I hope there is Flowers! X

Ceebs85 · 29/07/2017 22:54

There is absolutely no way he doesn't know where the spare key is. Is he physically very fit? I'm suspicious he might not actually be going to the gym and that washing the kit is just part of a lie. Gym would be a really easy cover up for another wOman.

OP I really really hope that you feel confident enough to tackle this because you deserve not to have to live with this unease.

The 'clockwork wife' comment really made me wince. I know nothing is confirmed at the moment but if he does have someone else it's as though you're the stability keeping everything ticking over nicely while he's able to do exactly what he wants.

Has he always been so secretive with all the paperwork, his car etc?

Writerwannabe83 · 29/07/2017 23:09

But just be aware OP that if you do choose to turn a blind eye to this or you decide to bide your time please think about your sexual health if you continue to sleep with him because if he is cheating with a regular partner, or he has escorts or ONS's or whatever, then you can't be sure he's having protected sex with them.

SandyY2K · 29/07/2017 23:13

Do you know which gym he goes to?

Why not casually ask if the gym does classes? Has enough treadmills /cross trainers.. Or whatever equipment you like... And that you are thinking about getting a membership.

Ask how much the monthly membership is.. See how quickly he responds.

Do it casually... And matter of factly.... Perhaps link it to a fitness talk so as not to arise suspicion.

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