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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

It's not my necklace

999 replies

Foolmeoncefoolmetwice · 27/07/2017 15:36

Hi I'm new here and I don't usually do forums but I just don't know where else to ask about this now. I've been sitting on it so long and I think I might be going a bit mad

I hope this isn't too long. Backstory is husband and I have been together 9 years, we have a 5 year old son and 2 year old daughter, he's a good husband and consistent if a bit distant father due to his long hours. No real problems with us aside from the occasional grind of general family life, although we did work through an incident of him kissing another woman when DS was a baby and he sent some flirty texts to a colleague too but it was years ago.

About a month ago my husband went on a business trip, gave me the address of the place he was staying and I didn't bat an eye, he goes on them several times a year, usually a couple of nights at a time. Day after he came back he went to work as usual and rang me from the office in a panic asking if he'd left his debit card at home. It wasn't here and he couldn't remember the last time he'd seen it.

I had the idea of calling the hotel to ask if they'd found it cleaning, the lady on reception was very nice and said 'oh mrs X you must be calling about your necklace, we found it In the bathroom how lucky for you it would have been such a shame to lose such lovely pearls!' I didn't know what to say really and my mind went sort of numb, so I just said thank you and could they possibly post it to me since I was several counties away and she said fine.

So it was posted to my house. I have it in the bedroom, it's a beautiful string of real pearls, it looks like something a queen would wear. I haven't said a word about it to him. Whenever I think about it I get all dizzy and feel I might be sick but I don't know why, it's been a long time since I've had any suspicions about him. I don't know if I want to know but it's making me crazy. I also don't know if I could break up our family, the thought makes me want to vomit.

I don't even know what I'm asking really. I know my head is in the sand but I honestly don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Foolmeoncefoolmetwice · 29/07/2017 01:03

He's staying over at a friend's tonight, he called me and it sounded quite loud like a pub, but he was apologetic and says he'll be back first thing. I could hear his friend as well so I know he wasn't lying about who he was with and to be honest I'm not even sure I care. I'm just really tired. I've had a look in his work things he brought back, his laptop case etc, but there's nothing in there. I'm going to spend the night having a good long think. I haven't really slept well all month since this started, thanks again to everyone for support, I've really become weirdly fond of this place in a couple of days.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 29/07/2017 03:16

I know your head is spinning right now, but you will be all the better in the morning if you get some sleep, so do try. You have a bit of time to figure things out.

If I were you I'd keep up the dizzy wife routine and try to allay his suspicions. But do get to work. See a solicitor. Get any information you can lay hands on with regards to finances. And please do tell someone. You need and deserve support.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 29/07/2017 04:14

Good luck Foolmeonce x

AA link to key replacement- they sound very quick, 7am call out as well

www.theaa.com/breakdown-cover/key-assist

Chocolatteandbiscuits · 29/07/2017 06:43

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know what it can do to your brain and make you feel like you're a bit crazy searching for things. My biggest regret was I couldn't hold it in. I blew it and he changed passwords, deleted things, became more secretive. I never got the concrete proof I needed. I just eventually left as I'd had enough of the general relationship. Try and get some proof what he has done so he can't "gas light" you. It's a thing Google it. Also he is 100% financially abusing you! I was too. He would give me an allowance and buy himself extravagant things but I was struggling with money. He knew I relied on him and it was awful. I think his car is the key to a lot of his secrets, why else would he leave his gym bag in there and take the keys when he doesn't need them. People saying oh but I leave it in the car, maybe but given his track record I don't think it looks good. The financial things are odd too. If they were locked incase of a burglary then why don't you have access? They are also your finances and you have the right to look at them if you wish. Please OP get the evidence you need so he can't mess your head up anymore and sort the finances and solicitor and leave him. If you stay he will wear you down to nothing!

alpacawhacker · 29/07/2017 07:29

@Cuckingfunt1981 Grin

I did wonder for a brief moment if someone might think I meant a painting that swings out from the wall on a hinge with a safe hidden behind it!

I would not rest until I had got in that drawer if it was me, I am like a dog with a bone once I think something is being hidden from me.

I wish you all the best Foolme. I feel for you.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 29/07/2017 07:32

Staying over at a friends my arse.

Just read this whole thing. It sounds like he's been controlling your for a long time, but just keep repeating to yourself: "I will not be controlled". Have a mantra in your mind that you can repeat to yourself that gives you strength. You are strong, intelligent, brave, and you will not be controlled.

Where are you keeping the pearl necklace? Is it possible he knows you have it? Who in RL have you confided in? Do you have a RL person you can trust to keep the necklace? Is there anyone who can have your kids for a little while so that you a) have some time to think and b) start to get your ducks in a row?

You are doing really well OP. The aim is to get control back in your own life and you're doing a great job. Flowers

SomeKindOfGenius · 29/07/2017 07:48

When I started in my current job I walked into a mess, the previous person had taken the filing cabinet keys with her.
I looked closely at the locks, noted down the small numbers on it and went to a website called fast keys or something similar. The replacement keys came in the post the next day.
Can you see any numbers on the lock barrel of the desk drawers OP?

JT05 · 29/07/2017 07:53

Sorry to read of the turmoil you are going through and agree with the others that you must prepare to throw him out. It might be helpful to make suggestion for where spare keys might be hidden. I used to keep my desk drawer spare key cellotaped to the underside of my desk.
Anyone else with a good idea?

N0tNowBernard · 29/07/2017 08:24

Does he regularly stay over at a friends after drinks?

JustDontGetItAtAll · 29/07/2017 08:29

Staying at a friend's house? Yeah right. Grown men don't have 'sleepovers' they get taxis home.

I'm gobsmacked you haven't taken this opportunity to get a big strong flathead screwdriver and force your way into the drawer
OR rung the bank, sorted your access to your money, packed your bags and left whilst he was out!!!! That is by no means a criticism just a differing of personalities I guess. Nobody can tell you what to do, only what they think you should do.

Even if he isn't cheating, the way he treats you and your children is heartbreakingly sickening.

Your kids deserve better......Confused

flumpybear · 29/07/2017 08:32

I'd be getting up in the night to check his car - sounds very suspicious 😒

Writerwannabe83 · 29/07/2017 08:38

Sleeping at a friend's house Hmm

You may have heard his friend in the background but that means nothing. A man with little morals usually has friends of the same ilk and the sad thing is that a lot of men will cover for their friends if one of them is having an affair. I have known many women who've been the OW without realising it because the guy had told her he was single and for months and months his friends had gone along with the pretence too. I have also known men have affairs and thryr make friends turn a blind eye to it.

How many threads do you see on this threads from women who have been the OW or they know a man is cheating and they ask, "Shoukd I tell tell his wife?" and the usual response is "No, it's none of your business, stay out of it". I imagine if women don't feel women have the right to know a woman's being cheated on then men sure as hell won't either.

LexieLulu · 29/07/2017 08:45

Jesus, I know you've explained a lot of his excuses are justified, but the shear quantity of tell tale signs are shocking

plantsitter · 29/07/2017 08:51

Op you could do with somebody with you who's on your side. I'd've had my sister round by now - have you got anyone close like that who can bolster you? Sounds like your H is a very skillful controller who has beaten you down a bit.

Chocolatteandbiscuits · 29/07/2017 08:58

OP if you have no one in RL go women's aid. They will just listen to you. You don't need to take anything further and they can give you helpful places to go to get advice. I know it's for domestic abuse but it comes in so many forms. Financial abuse/emotional/verbal/controlling. By the sounds of things you need so advise for elsewhere. I hope you eventually feel strong enough to realise you don't need all of this and you can have a happier life Flowers

Queenofthedrivensnow · 29/07/2017 09:10

Thinking of you op hope you get some clarity today x

KickthewallonSalthillprom · 29/07/2017 09:26

Morning Foolme,

Putting the necklace and the locking financial stuff to one side, what is the rest of your relationship like?

Staying out all night isn't the action of a mature married man or father.

Miserylovescompany2 · 29/07/2017 09:59

Has he ever shown violent behaviour towards you in the past, OP? Do you fear him?

Gingerandgivingzerofucks · 29/07/2017 10:37

Thank you blackcherries. I was also called quite evil by Anyfucker so I'm rather proud of myself today.

So you should be! Quite superb!

TeamCersei · 29/07/2017 10:43

The saddest thing about this thread is that (wrongly, I hope)I get a strong feeling you aren't going to do anything about it.
Numerous people have asked you whether you are going to look in the drawer.
You haven't replied.
You will hide your head in the sand again and hope it all goes away. Sad

However, you are the one who is living this and only you can do what you feel is right.
Wishing you luck in whatever you decide to do, or not do.
Flowers

DollyLlama · 29/07/2017 11:11

If you want to fuck with his head, since he's doing a lovely job fucking with yours, send him emails of normal day to day stuff - (maybe pictures of the kids at the park or a drawing they did for daddy) but waay down bottom of the email where he won't look write "pearl necklace" over and over in white font so it's invisible. After a while his google adverts should be...interesting

This has to be the best thing I have ever read on Mumsnet.

On a serious note though, you need to confront him OP. This is not a happy relationship and is this really how you want to spend your life? If he is cheating (and I can't imagine a scenario where he's not) then that is the ultimate betrayal.

Personally I've always thought that the physical act of cheating was no where near as bad as all the lies.

For you Flowers

Wellthengreat · 29/07/2017 11:18

Hope you are doing ok. You've been very calm and strong. I hope you get some clarity of all of this soon xx hope you had a good night's sleep

millmoo · 29/07/2017 11:25

Hope you're doing ok today op -your head must be all over the place Flowers for you

TupperwareTat · 29/07/2017 11:29

I wouldnt ring the AA. They will probably text him to say they are on their way & send a questionaire text after.

YNK · 29/07/2017 12:35

OW will have missed the necklace by now and no doubt has been in touch with the hotel so I think they both know that you're on to them.
This is probably why he has spent the night with her - no doubt they are potting their next move. (I'm convinced his mate is acting as his wingman)
I think you should get in that drawer pronto before the whitewash starts, or before he can hide his escape fund.

Nice work Linda, btw!