It's not my necklace

[Foolmeoncefoolmetwice]

Hi I'm new here and I don't usually do forums but I just don't know where else to ask about this now. I've been sitting on it so long and I think I might be going a bit mad

I hope this isn't too long. Backstory is husband and I have been together 9 years, we have a 5 year old son and 2 year old daughter, he's a good husband and consistent if a bit distant father due to his long hours. No real problems with us aside from the occasional grind of general family life, although we did work through an incident of him kissing another woman when DS was a baby and he sent some flirty texts to a colleague too but it was years ago.

About a month ago my husband went on a business trip, gave me the address of the place he was staying and I didn't bat an eye, he goes on them several times a year, usually a couple of nights at a time. Day after he came back he went to work as usual and rang me from the office in a panic asking if he'd left his debit card at home. It wasn't here and he couldn't remember the last time he'd seen it.

I had the idea of calling the hotel to ask if they'd found it cleaning, the lady on reception was very nice and said 'oh mrs X you must be calling about your necklace, we found it In the bathroom how lucky for you it would have been such a shame to lose such lovely pearls!' I didn't know what to say really and my mind went sort of numb, so I just said thank you and could they possibly post it to me since I was several counties away and she said fine.

So it was posted to my house. I have it in the bedroom, it's a beautiful string of real pearls, it looks like something a queen would wear. I haven't said a word about it to him. Whenever I think about it I get all dizzy and feel I might be sick but I don't know why, it's been a long time since I've had any suspicions about him. I don't know if I want to know but it's making me crazy. I also don't know if I could break up our family, the thought makes me want to vomit.

I don't even know what I'm asking really. I know my head is in the sand but I honestly don't know what to do.

Thank you blackcherries. I was also called quite evil by Anyfucker so I'm rather proud of myself today.

I rarely get annoyed by threads but

He's replied he can bung me a bit extra in the week as he gets paid at the end of the month but he really needs the downtime tonight after working so hard for us

Money is so tight you can't have a day out with the kids but the moment you ask about the finances he has spare cash to bung you a bit extra (ontop of booze hotel money for a night with his mates OW)??? Why is that desk not yet in matchstick size pieces on the floor?? He's taking the piss out of you!

he rarely looks after them alone, he likes the highlight reel of having children but he's quite detached in other ways

I'm another who will disagree. Dh changed his working hours so he could make it home early enough to not just bath Ds1 but play with him too, then bath him, bedtime story and tuck him in.

I have been a SAHM for almost 13 years, I have swanned off on many an evening or weekend leaving Dh with 2 children 3 years apart including when Ds2 was a baby.

Even now with the children at 14 and 11 he will take one of them in the car to do a tip run or pop to the shops to spend 1 on 1 time with them. I get time 1 on 1 with the other child he leaves behind.

The disinterested bit isn't a male thing it's an arsehole thing. I would e asking for that key. You have every right to know about your financial situation. I have full access to everything. There are no locked drawers in this house.

Text "you go out with the lads I can read through the financials myself. Where is the key to the drawer?"

So he's out with the 'boys'?!...do you know them? What does he think you and dc's are doing while he's having a break??

OP what do you want? Are you going to get in that drawer or start making plans ...or wait from more crap from him?..You need to take back control.

Op do you have any close friends in RL

He's been finding fault with them more and more often recently, especially DD. I know men generally aren't as interested in the baby/toddler years though.
*
OP this makes me fucking furious!!!!! How dare he start his bullshit with your children, how fucking dare* he

OW or not, you have greater problems. Said problem being he's a selfish controlling cunt.

For the record, my DH works very hard. He adores our baby boy, adores him. This isn't a "men don't care" thing. It's a "your cock of a husband doesn't care" thing.

Wouldn't you love to text him tonight when he's out with the lads 'got the drawer open - will get a headstart on the bank statements now xx'

This all sounds suspicious. I hope you get some answers soon. It must be driving you mad not knowing.

start opening the post when he is at work

Hmmm...

Adultery ...kissing and messaging other women and potentially an ow.

Financial abuse ....withholding money, full control of finances and fobbing you off when you ask to go through them.

Gaslighting ..making you feel like you are mad for thinking he is doing anything wrong.

Controlling ... tells you when to go to bed and whether you can go out or not.

Emotionally abusive ....belittling your role in the family in order to make you feel useless and that you don't do anything to deserve financial reward or his full attention.

Shit Dad ... criticising his small child ( who will be picking up on this and have the resulting self-esteem issues) detached and uninterested parenting in general.

I got all of this from YOUR comments OP. Is this what you want for you or your children?

Get a hammer and smash the fuck out of the drawer.

You honestly don't need to wait for evidence of his cheating. Even if you take potential adultery out of the equation - I would be out of there like a shot.

I'm with pearlypink

I would be inclined to look through emails on his laptop/tablet - If he isn't communicating through his phone and you can't find a second one - emails is probably the next communication method

Check phone bills

Check your utilities are upto date

Other than that I would stalk the bastard on his lads night out. Confide in a friend about your situation and ask her to sit with the kids while u go check out the place he says he's going to be.

A few of my friends have cloned their husbands whatsapp too 🙄

.

He's a grade A cunt. Find your anger and take a screwdriver to that bloody draw. Worried about burglars? Bollocks.

I'm pretty angry reading this. Want me to whack that filing cabinet for you?

Please don't stalk your husband or clone his apps or any of the other bonkers suggestions above. Not only could it put you in potential danger - we have already established he is controlling and abusive - but if it came to nothing and he found it it will give him further ammunition that you are mentally unstable. Give him nothing.

Do try to get into the filing cabinet - not for "evidence" of adultery. but to get copies of all important financial docs, passports, birth certificates etc. Is there anyone who can support you to do this in case he returns and becomes aggressive?

he just laughed and said that looking after my own children isn't exactly working from home!
If there is one piece of advice I would give to a dc about being a SAHP, it would be: never do it for someone who doesn't value it as a contribution to the family. I'd be looking at your work options, OP. Before he ups and leaves, which does sound like what his plan may be (finding fault with everything, squirreling away money).

Read MandateMandy's post OP. Read it carefully. It is chillingly true

Linda you are an evil genius

"working so hard for us" - dickhead.

I wouldn't be hassling about the finances at all.
I would try to appear happily and pathetically fobbed off.
Don't arouse suspicion or he'll start moving things.
Let him go out.
THEN get the fuck into that locked drawer.

Copy everything, even if you think you've found nothing.

If he asks why you broke in "oh I thought I'd get ahead with getting a grip on finances - we really do need to pull together as you've said, as we're skint. Thought I'd start making a list of all our commitments, insurance etc to look for where we can get better deals. Couldn't find the key, thought it was lost".

Incidentally, the Money Saving Expert has a section on overhauling finances for savings - you're just following that idea.

Any complaints from him, play it like a cold grey rock. Why wouldn't you go through finances? It's for both of you. You may find something, you may not. But you'll need all those documents when you divorce him anyway, so it's still worth doing!

No fucking way would my partner get to lock things away from me like I was toddler

Even without an affair your husband sounds a horrible husband and father. My husband was completely interested in the children when they were babies and toddlers. They were his kids. He couldn't not be.

Please get in the drawer

ODFO Meg