Just devastated by DHs betrayal. Need a hand hold

[Bedraggledmumoftwo]

Ten whole days have passed since my whole world disintegrated and I think it would be therapeutic to get it all out. I really need support though so please don't kick me when I am down. I know I have been naive and feel stupid enough already.

Ten days ago we went to the zoo. We had a lovely day with our kids. Took them to pizza express afterwards and was generally a really lovely family day. In the evening we watched a film but he didn't sit next to me as he said he was buying motorbike stuff online. All was fine until he had a few too many drinks and was snarly about our friends we were going on holiday with. Before bed I posted on mumsnet about that particular issue and was mildly amused to see all the responses saying he was clearly having an affair with her. When I got up that morning he was distracted with the kids and I picked up his phone to see what had been going on with holiday friend. Not seeing any justification for his venom towards friend I was about to give it back when it occurred to me that there was no thread with a girl he usually messaged.
Not really knowing how to work an iPhone I happened to swipe up and ended up in archived chats where Her name was front and centre with messages the day before. When I opened it and saw that he had been sending her photos of my children the day before while at the zoo as a family and in the evening watching a film with me

Once he realised I was onto something he chased me around the garden, tried to physically tackle me to get his phone back and only when our three year old came into the room did I escape with his phone and drove to a friends house wearing nothing but a nightie to get a chance to properly look at what I had glimpsed.

And what I confirmed was everyone's worse fears. I later realised the messages only went back three weeks but in that time he had messaged her 5000 times. He had sent her

You need time to heal, don't expect it to happen so soon. 15 years is a hell of a long time and add children to it, give yourself a break.

You're really doing well, you posts show you're a strong lady and for that, you should be proud. It's gunna be hard and you're gunna be pulled back and forth. What you need to remember is you and the DC's are the most important people right now.

Xxx

I'm sorry op.
What a stupid selfish idiot he has been.
You will be ok, you sound very capable.

No the affair has been going on for months but the 5000 messages I found only went back three weeks.

Aaahh. I see.
5000 messages in 3 weeks.

So what's happened to all the plans he had with her... She's been thrown under the bus, as often happens.

I agree that you seem like a very confident lady.

Tell him you need time and space.
Does his family know about it? I wonder how his mum would feel knowing he dropped the kids off with her, to spend time with his bit on the side.

You poor thing OP. I was on your previous thread and so sorry this turned out to be the situation. What a hideous deep betrayal.
Don't let him rush you into anything.

Op 💐

You can do this. You are amazing.

Does his family know about it? I wonder how his mum would feel knowing he dropped the kids off with her, to spend time with his bit on the side.

Yes she does. I made him give her a full recitation of his sins after I saw she had texted him the first night to say she hoped he got some sleep and it made me incandescent with rage. I know she is his mother but I have seen her ten times as much as he has in the last five years and she had told me earlier that day that she was on my side. Yet I had no supportive messages and I got fuck all sleep that night and I am the bloody victim. So my presumption was that after her initial shock she had dialled it down to him having a little slip, not months of deception and betrayal that even affected her.

I haven't talked to her about it since but she sent me a message to say she had had the full confessional.

Yes, and I bet it consisted of a lot of 'I felt neglected in the marriage', 'bedraggled only had time for the children', 'it was just a slip and didn't mean anything to me' and so on. Men who cheat do their best to justify their behaviour to everyone and minimise to the point to disappearance. Men who cheat rarely accept full responsibility and always blame their wife. He's a piece of shit.

OP you've got this, you can do it.

It is going to be raw for a long, long time, in so many ways but you'll get through it. 2 years on I still end up having those moments. Hang on to the 'angry' and channel that energy for sorting stuff out.

As you've said he is a convincing liar so don't believe his promises to change/begging for chances. His conscience wasn't troubling him the whole time he was deceiving you, and it won't in future either.

From experience, don't expect MIL support. My in laws didn't even respond when I told them what had gone on, and tried to keep avenues of communication open for the kids sake. Not. A. Peep.

I am so sorry OP, he is vile to do this to you and plane all this involvement of the kids in the new relationship.

How do YOU feel? I know it's only been 10 days and the whole shock is fresh but do you want him back? Would you agree on couples counselling, or to state it better would he agree, because I think it's the men who don't agree on this on most occasions...

Did he apologies?What did he tell you or your parents?

I know this is a bit extreme, but how do you see yourself in 3 years time?

I am so shocked at this update OP. Sending you love and strength x

Asking if he got sleep

I suppose she's trying to be a good mum and love him unconditionally, which is fine.

However, I'd be telling my son how terribly disappointed I was with what he'd done.

How do you know he fully confessed thought and didn't minimise... Like did he tell her the duration... That he was sending pics of your DC.....while out on a family day... that they were laughing about you going away and how DM would look after the DC, while they had their perfect date?

His mum may think she has the full story... But if cheaters can avoid spilling their guts, they will.

5000 messages in just 3 weeks! That's nearly 250 per day. That's craziness. It would make me wonder if he has put his career in jeopardy because he sure hasn't been concentrating on work. And this information alone would make me photocopy every last damn piece of financial evidence I could get my hands on. Everything. Bank statements, credit card statements, pensions, pay slips, tax returns, mortgage. Going back to the beginning of the marriage.

If you haven't got access to a photocopier, buy a cheap HP all in one printer, plenty of ink cartridges and a stack of paper. And start photocopying.

Ignore the MIL text. My mum loved my SIL so much, honestly she kept telling me she was the daughter she'd never had. Argh! But if he had cheated she'd be bloody angry but she would have also enjoyed swooping in to mother the hell out of him (the only woman to understand him etc). Ignore, ignore, ignore.
Your husband is a shit of the highest order. I know I've said it before but you deserve SO MUCH MORE.

@4square
He didn't have to pick your best friend, did he?

The affair wasn't with her best friend. It was another woman altogether.

I'm not going to follow the posts saying 'only weak people forgive cheating' (I'd actually argue the opposite for anyone who actually manages to genuinely forgive, I think lots try to but can't which may be more the issue in terms of denial), 'of course you must never get back with him' etc, because not only do I think it is up to you and only you, but all situations are unique. Nobody, not even on the internet, should be telling you what is right for you to do about the rest of your life. It really unsettles me that there is this perceived social norm that it is right to do that and said woman must run away and never go back. There is a choice and it is yours. You will be stronger for making it yourself, whatever it is.

Equally I won't go the other way. It sounds bloody awful. Life as you know it has been completely flipped on its head, it must be horrific looking back as you have been and reliving what you now know to be a betrayal. I can see why you think it's better he's done the apologetic 'shit I don't know why I did it' approach. In the same breath, if he had toddled off to the love best you could be on the brigade of 'he's changed I have no idea who he is' and if you do definitely want to walk, that may have made it easier to do so. It is all a massive crock of shit and it belongs to your H and now he has to live with that. No surprise he is sorry etc, beware of how unfair it is for him also to try and jade you and push you one way or the other 'for the sake of the kids' or similar.

Please take time for yourself and don't let friends/family push you into decisions unless you honestly want their advice. People will be very protective of you but it's your life and you are the one who must live it. My post is probably a weird one. I've had insight into similar situations and what seems the most difficult is how some people feel like they had no choice because social norms say they must go so they do. They may well have gone of their own accord anyway, but have wrestled with their decision later on because it didn't really come from them, it came from everyone else and they rolled with it from their state of distress before they were in a place to make a clear decision on their own.

Well done on the job front and being so proactive, hats off to you

Relate may help to facilitate an easier split. You don't have to use them to save your relationship. You could use them to end it in a more amenable fashion (I'm talking about him not you, lovey) if you think it would be helpful.

However if he is going to be an argumentative cunt and minimise, don't bother

I've actually got a job interview next week which is making me feel better!

Congratulations on the job interview, you can do this

He seems 100% sorry and is pretty broken and begging for second and third chances.

He was 100% when he told you he would never, ever cheat on you. Days after he already had. He lied then, how would yiu even start to believe he is actually teloing the truth.

If she thinks he has caved, has he told her you begged him back?

I followed your last thread. I am so sorry you are going through this. Congratulations on the interview!

I know the conversation has moved on a bit but I really want to say: Don't. Go. To. Relate. With. This. Man.

He's been manipulative and sociopathic and going to counselling will amplify these effects. He'll probably be able to get the counsellor on side with his "heartfelt" testimonies and in the end leave you feeling more confused and probably like it's all your fault. (spoiler alert: it's not.)

If you want to go to counselling alone then by all means do but don't go with him. I fully believe that such a calculated affair that involved so much manipulation and gaslighting is domestic abuse. (And I'm a survivor of DA so I'm not saying that lightly.) Just be on your guard and don't let him get in your head.

I remember your other thread too. So sorry it's turned out like this. I'm not sure Relate is the right option for you, a lot of them are trained 'in house' and aren't proper counsellors/psychotherapists. People only suggest them as they're a well known brand, not because they're good at what they do.

Keep the session that's just for you and spend the money on a Shit Hot Lawyer instead

I hadn't read your other thread but what you've described sounds life changing. Focusing on what you need to do right now seems a good idea. Well done on your interview N's good luck