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Original poster

Found OH's graphic dirty emails about cheating with men, need advice

166 replies

Hanna250809 · 26/07/2017 10:19

Hi I am a female (23) and I've been with my partner (26) for 3 years now. About a year into our relationship, while helping him to find a missing email in his inbox I stumbled upon a email from a gay dating/ hook up website. I thought it was spam and jokingly asked him if there was something he wasn't telling me. He suddenly went really weird and shifty and started acting strange. As far as I knew he was straight, I'd asked him a month or two before this if he'd ever had feelings for men or had sexual relations with a man and he had said no. So I shrugged it off and put it to the back of my mind. But later that evening it started to bug me as he was usually so laid back and his behaviour when I saw that Email had been so out of character. So I went on his email again and searched terms such as "sex" and "gay". What I found shocked me. It turns out he was a member of at least 15 gay dating sites. Not only that but during our relationship he'd been planning to meet up with older (50-75) men to have sex. I read messages between him and a guy he'd hooked up with before me and him got together with details of their sexual relationship. I also found emails between him and this man from during our relationship planning to hook up again. He sent messages saying he was getting on the train "see you in two hours". Naturally, I was very upset. I confronted him about this and at first he denied everything and shouted at me for prying in his email. After me explaining that I'd read every message in great detail he admitted to the messages and the sites but claimed he did not meet up with anyone while me and him where together. He then proceeded to get really angry and upset and smash his laptop and try and comitt suicide. 2 years on we have never been able to properly talk about this or sort it out. All in all our relationship is good but sometimes I get really down and upset and worry if this is still going on or if he is telling me the truth. He wouldn't let me tell any of my friends so I have no one to confide in.

There are somethings that still bother me about the situation and I'm looking for advice of how to deal with it:

  1. Every time I attempt to talk about it he gets angry and me and gets suicidal
  2. He always searches on Facebook for a guy he used to fancy at uni
  3. I found a cancelled order for an anal dildo on his emails from a time when we were together
  4. He told the guy he hooked up with he loved him on one of the emails he sent 6 months into our relationship
  5. He lied to me about his previous sexual experiences (he said he had a gf for 4 years before me which was a lie I am the only woman he's ever slept with)
  6. I worry that he's lying about not hooking up with the people he emailed and that he's still on those sites
  7. I worry that I'm not good enough and this is why this happened :(

He tells me I'm hot and attractive and we have a great sex life but I really worry that I'm not good enough for him and that this unresolved problem will hang over me for the rest of my life. I love him and he loves me and I really want to make it work but this makes it difficult because I've such low self esteem.

Thanks for reading any advice would be appreciated x

OP posts:
newjobsoon · 26/07/2017 10:26

He's obviously gay and has been cheating on you with men and will continue to do so. Staying with him knowing all this is self harming and will lead to MH problems.
Have you anywhere to go?

Adora10 · 26/07/2017 10:28

I stopped reading after your first few lines; the man is gay OP, you're a convenient cover; If I was you I'd get out now and get tested; he could quite easily be putting your life at risk here; what more proof do you need.

NormaNameChange · 26/07/2017 10:29

To a large extent, this has NOTHING to do with you or your worth. From your post it sounds like he is really struggling to accept his sexuality.

You didnt cause this, you cant control it and you cant cure it (Three C's more commonly used for families of alcoholics but I think relevant here).

Your mental and personal health here have to be your only concern. If he is having sex with other people - you need to get yourself checked out (I'd say this whether they are men or women) and then, I think you need to have a calm conversation with him. Not about him being gay, bi or straight but about you and what you deserve - an honest relationship with someone you can trust.

He needs to figure this out himself and come to acceptance in his own way and time. You however dont need to be collateral damage whilst he works that out. I'd encourage him to seek support and counselling, and I would end the relationship.

ChardonnaysPrettySister · 26/07/2017 10:30

Where do you see yourself in five years time? Will you still be happy to deal with this?

Can you deal with it now?

You are both young, plenty of time to move on.

Butterymuffin · 26/07/2017 10:30

I don't see how you can ever feel secure in this relationship in the future. It really will be best to end it. And get STD checks.

Original poster
Hanna250809 · 26/07/2017 10:30

Thanks for the reply. Not so sure that he's gay since we have great sex and he has a really high sex drive and seems to be atttacted to me (don't want to be too graphic but he "has a strong reaction" if he sees me naked etc)

I have no where to go to be honest. Couldn't go back to my parents as it's four hours away from my job and I'm contracted for a whole year until the end of next July :(

OP posts:
Thornyprick · 26/07/2017 10:31

Sadly he sounds like he's in denial and you will be the fallout for this.
I wouldn't be too worried about previous sexual relationships, or if you could draw a line under the last situation 2 years ago, but sounds like there have been emails/issues since then.
Of course it's not that you're not good enough, you can't fight against his sexuality

Ineedmorelemonpledge · 26/07/2017 10:31

Agree with PP. You're a beard.

You are basically rearranging the deckchairs on the Titanic here.

Jump into the life boat instead and get out while you still have your sanity, which, after two years of this lying deceiving shit must be pretty much in remnants.

Save yourself Flowers

AllPizzasGreatAndSmall · 26/07/2017 10:33

Why would you stay with someone after you discovered he'd been lying to you about that?

Trickycat · 26/07/2017 10:33

You are only 23. Get out of this relationship now, it is not working. Have some freedom and then meet someone who is not carrying on behind your back. Sorry OP.

Original poster
Hanna250809 · 26/07/2017 10:33

I'd love to spend my life with him to be honest. I love him so much and our relationship is good 90% of the time. I just can't help letting this situation get to me. We're engaged and due to get married next summer :(

OP posts:
SparklingRaspberry · 26/07/2017 10:35

He is gay OP. At the very least bisexual but I don't think that's the case.

He's messaging men behind your back. He's having sex with men behind your back. He's searching men he 'used' to fancy.

If it was a woman he'd been sleeping with would you have put it to the back of your mind then? No. It shouldn't be any different.

You need to leave. No offence but where's you self respect? He's putting your health at risk! You need to go and get tested asap.

He doesn't love you romantically. Gay men can't love women in the romantic way they can love another man. You're a cover up.

Original poster
Hanna250809 · 26/07/2017 10:36

I guess I stayed because I loved him and he promised it wouldn't happen again. I'm just so paranoid that it's still going on. He says he's bisexual but I'm not certain :/ the thing that makes me think he's attracted to me is that he's rally interested in sex with me and we have sex 3 or 4 times a week ( even with busy work schedules) I don't think he's seeing anyone now because he barely ever goes out socially with out me and I know all his friends who he does go out with.

I will definitely get an std check though. Thanks x

OP posts:
SparklingRaspberry · 26/07/2017 10:37

You'd love to spend your life with a man who has sex with other men behind your back, messages other men too. And then threatens suicide and refuses to talk about what's happened??

Not only is he a cheat, he's a manipulative abuser as well OP.

QuiteLikely5 · 26/07/2017 10:37

He was cheating on you with men. he is gay but in denial. Of course he can get an erection but he is using you as a cover probably because he feels ashamed of his sexuality.

You are wasting your time here.

Josuk · 26/07/2017 10:37

OP - you are just 23. You have all your life in from of you.
Date, sleep with men, want them, be wanted.
It's way to yearly to settle into anything; and especially into what you have.

You really, really need to work on your self esteem. Because it seriously impedes your judgement.
It's NOT the case of you not being enough. Nothing to do with you, whatsoever.
Your boyfriend is gay, or bi. And, clearly, has massive issues with it himself, which is regrettable. I can't imagine how hard it must be for him.

But - it's not your problem. His internal struggles are not your problem. You need to get out and life your life.

SleepFreeZone · 26/07/2017 10:38

Why is everyone assuming he is gay?. He obviously fancies the OP so I would assume he is bisexual and wants to have sexual relations with men also.

ClementineWardrobe · 26/07/2017 10:40

Sorry but for heavens sake, leave this man. He is gay, you need to accept that as much as he does. Go home to your parents, get sti checks. You could find another job. You are 23, you will find someone else. He IS Gay. Stop pretending. Men get erections sitting on the back of a bus from the vibrations....this doesn't prove anything.

Shoxfordian · 26/07/2017 10:42

I don't think it matters if he is gay or bisexual or pansexual

What matters is that he's been cheating on the OP. He is lying to you. He will clearly continue to do so. His suicide threats should be treated as manipulation because that's all they are.

Don't marry him

Ltb

ClementineWardrobe · 26/07/2017 10:43

Yes good point, could be bisexual but that doesn't mean he's being at all honest. No basis for or marriage.

AnyFucker · 26/07/2017 10:44

It doesn't matter what his sexuality is

He is untrustworthy. That is all you need to know.

Fishface77 · 26/07/2017 10:44

You might think your life is good with him op but it's based on a lie.
Get yourself tested for STDs and fuck him of.

ijustwannadance · 26/07/2017 10:44

He threatened suicide to shut you up because he was ashamed. Why can't he admit he is bi?
Are his family homophobic? He is hiding his true self. No way I would marry him.

You are even more in denial than him.

Fishface77 · 26/07/2017 10:45

And agree with anyfucker.
Whether he's cheated with a man or woman is irrelevant. He has cheated on you.

Sluttybartfast · 26/07/2017 10:45

DEAR GOD DON'T GET MARRIED.

I think he's probably bi, but his sexuality really, really isn't the important issue here. The issue is that he's having sex with men behind your back, and that is a) cheating and b) quite likely to expose you to real, significant risk. Men who have covert sex with men are often extremely cavalier about safe sex and unless you are religiously using condoms with him, he could be exposing you to a whole range of STIs, including HIV. And even if he's not doing it now, he probably will again - not because bi people always cheat, but because he's done it before. Past behaviour is the best predictor of future behaviour.

Other red flags:
a) he "gets suicidal" every time you bring it up - nobody becomes "suicidal" like that. You mean he threatens suicide every time you raise the issue, i.e. he is manipulating you. Abusive as hell.
b) he totally lied to you about not having hooked up with the people he was emailing. He hooked up with them. Sorry.

Break up with him - not because he likes men but because he's a liar, a cheater and a manipulator.