Found OH's graphic dirty emails about cheating with men, need advice

[Hanna250809]

Hi I am a female (23) and I've been with my partner (26) for 3 years now. About a year into our relationship, while helping him to find a missing email in his inbox I stumbled upon a email from a gay dating/ hook up website. I thought it was spam and jokingly asked him if there was something he wasn't telling me. He suddenly went really weird and shifty and started acting strange. As far as I knew he was straight, I'd asked him a month or two before this if he'd ever had feelings for men or had sexual relations with a man and he had said no. So I shrugged it off and put it to the back of my mind. But later that evening it started to bug me as he was usually so laid back and his behaviour when I saw that Email had been so out of character. So I went on his email again and searched terms such as "sex" and "gay". What I found shocked me. It turns out he was a member of at least 15 gay dating sites. Not only that but during our relationship he'd been planning to meet up with older (50-75) men to have sex. I read messages between him and a guy he'd hooked up with before me and him got together with details of their sexual relationship. I also found emails between him and this man from during our relationship planning to hook up again. He sent messages saying he was getting on the train "see you in two hours". Naturally, I was very upset. I confronted him about this and at first he denied everything and shouted at me for prying in his email. After me explaining that I'd read every message in great detail he admitted to the messages and the sites but claimed he did not meet up with anyone while me and him where together. He then proceeded to get really angry and upset and smash his laptop and try and comitt suicide. 2 years on we have never been able to properly talk about this or sort it out. All in all our relationship is good but sometimes I get really down and upset and worry if this is still going on or if he is telling me the truth. He wouldn't let me tell any of my friends so I have no one to confide in.

There are somethings that still bother me about the situation and I'm looking for advice of how to deal with it:

1. Every time I attempt to talk about it he gets angry and me and gets suicidal
2. He always searches on Facebook for a guy he used to fancy at uni
3. I found a cancelled order for an anal dildo on his emails from a time when we were together
4. He told the guy he hooked up with he loved him on one of the emails he sent 6 months into our relationship
5. He lied to me about his previous sexual experiences (he said he had a gf for 4 years before me which was a lie I am the only woman he's ever slept with)
6. I worry that he's lying about not hooking up with the people he emailed and that he's still on those sites
7. I worry that I'm not good enough and this is why this happened :(

He tells me I'm hot and attractive and we have a great sex life but I really worry that I'm not good enough for him and that this unresolved problem will hang over me for the rest of my life. I love him and he loves me and I really want to make it work but this makes it difficult because I've such low self esteem.

Thanks for reading any advice would be appreciated x

OP it's quite clear you aren't going to leave him from your replies but really really please do consider it.

Man, woman, 3 headed alien - it doesn't matter who with, the fact he has cheated is bad enough. This happened 2 years ago and it still plays on your mind constantly, you will make yourself very sick mentally if this continues for the next 20 years.

You know he lied, you know he cheated, and you say you can't trust him. You sound very insecure and reliant on him - don't be.

I was cheated on many times by my ex - was young at the time (with him 20-23) and I kept taking him back, but I was constantly paranoid, every time he got a text or email I wanted to know who from. Everytime he went out I wondered if he was actually doing what he said he was. I have a son from this relationship. I left with my son when he was 4 months old as I just couldn't live my life like that anymore and I've not looked back.

Please get out before there is a marriage and child.

Oh and the people that threaten suicide usually don't mean it - either a cry for help (don't think it applies to him) for attention or to manipulate. Those that are serious usually act upon it without warning.

Please leave.

I look back and shout at my 23 year old self not to marry my ex. I thought I knew so much. Please please please don't make this mistake.

You deserve so much more. You can make alternative living arrangements. Yes it's all scary and difficult, but not as difficult as it will be 15 years down the line when he is still having sex with men and you've got children and you want to leave the marriage. Please leave.

I think you're in denial; the man is risking your sexual health, is clearly more gay than straight and you want his kids, Jesus, raise your bar OP, you're settling for this really?

I am sorry OP, it was never perfect, he's been cheating on you the whole time; what's perfect about that, fucked up imo.

I had great sex with a partner, we were together for three years. He is now married to Bob, just saying.

He's a cheater (it's largely irrelevant that it's been with men)
You don't trust him (rightly so)
You can't have a good relationship without trust
He shuts down all discussion of the issue by threatening suicide
Love does not conquer all so loving him won't the issues OK

OP I think you are being a bit naive in all of this, he is gay/bi whatever. The main point though is that he has more than likely cheated on you, whether that be physically or emotionally (telling another bloke he loves them). I'm glad you're getting STD tested, but i would also be worried about this secretive streak in him. Fair enough his sexual preference is his own business but I don't feel he is being totally honest with you and has probably slept with lots of men. Just because he is with you all the time doesn't mean he can't be flirting with blokes online, which is obviously not okay.

I also think it's likely he is bi as you say he gets an erection when looking at you, but are you not worried that whilst he is DTD with you he is fantasizing about other men? Also if he is bi then perhaps he would like to sleep with a man at some point...surely it's only a matter of time. There is no amount of sex you can give him to get rid of his desire for men.

In all honesty from the rebuttals you have given to other posters, it doesn't sound like you'll be continuing with the relationship regardless and putting up with the disrespect from him. Like others have said it's not about him being gay/bi, it's the fact that he is lying to you and more than likely cheating.

Personally I could not be with a man who has a desire for men, I would gather my self-respect, leave and remain friends.

DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.

So, leaving aside the fact that he may well be gay, and is most certainly bi but didn't tell you about it, HE'S A BIG LYING LIAR THAT LIES.

To an extent the whole 'possibly sleeping with men' thing is a red herring here: it doesn't matter who he's shagging, texting, hooking up with, writing emails too - he's lying to you, he's manipulative, and he's just treating you really shittily.

LEAVE THE SOD.

Oh and whatever you do, please do not marry him. It's way to risky to make such commitment.

Thank you for all your replies. I have lied to him about reading his emails/ texts all the time and minor stuff like that but I've never cheated or lied to him about anything major. It upsets me that he was able to do this to me because I could never do it to him :(

FGS he has cheated on you (kissing a female is cheating), he is at least bi and you are saying about how you want to have kids etc with him. You are far too young for this.

As an aside, why did you ask him in the first place if he ever fancied men? Weird question to ask. I've never asked my DH that.

He won't change.

You won't leave him.

So you'll just have to let him do it then - as you're not willing to atop torturing yourself.

Hanna your partner is either bi or gay and honestly it doesn't really matter. What does matter is that he's lying to you and this relationship is damaging your self esteem and possibly your physical health as well. Get out. I'm about to kick out my lying, cheating stbxp and it already feels bloody great.

This is not a healthy relationship.

Do not marry or have children with him.

You're young and you've so much ahead of you. Don't allow this man to fuck it all up for you.

He can't and you can't deny he has feelings for men, whether he be bisexual or in denial about his homosexuality. Either way, unless you are completely happy with this being your life, I think you know that your relationship has no future. You can still be his friend and help him through this'd support him coming out.

I'd love to spend my life with him to be honest. I love him so much and our relationship is good 90% of the time. I just can't help letting this situation get to me. We're engaged and due to get married next summer

Well, it's your life. You'll be sentencing yourself to a lifetime of misery if you do this, and I think you know that, but it's your choice.

Also I am actually really considering leaving him, as hard as it may be. I think I'm in denial :(

It's clear you're not ready to leave him yet. I hope you get there, but in the meantime, there are definitely some things you can do today:
Buy condoms.
Schedule a full sexual health check.

Please do them. Your local GUM clinic will be supportive and helpful.

Hanna it is hard but it is worth it. I promise.

Would you be asking advice on here if it were women he'd been seeing, or would you leave him? It's no different really - cheating is cheating ... in your head you probably see it as you can't compete with a man so it's no disrespect to you, but of course it is - it's done behind your back and in preference to you. If you were a brunette and he was just cheating with blondes would you feel the same? I don't think so - see it as lies and deceit and you not trusting him for the rest of your life - would you be able to cope with that? Sorry OP

How would you feel if he had been sending these messages to another woman? Would you still want to stay with him?
He's cheated on you and is in denial about his sexuality.
Get out now I say.

I asked him about fancying men because I told him about kissing girls back when I was a drunk teenager lol. So we were talking about that and I just asked him if he had ever done anything similar and he gave me some story about some boy coming into him in primary school but that was it

So there is your answer.

Can anyone on here recommend any websites/reading matter for the OP?

The thing about self-esteem is that you don't get it by being, you get it by doing. What I mean by that is that if you can behave as if you don't deserve to be lied to and disrespected, that will make you feel good.

... my last post wa in reply to your one-before-last

I would probably feel the same if it was women he was messaging etc but I think it was worse because it was men because this was a whole part of himself he was hiding from me and the lies were more than just the messages

If the messages were to other women, would you just let this happen?

He's admitted to having kissed another girl (in cheat speak, that kissing usually means shagged btw)

I LOATHE the way he shuts down your conversation by threatening to kill himself. He's got a fucking nerve!!

"A Woman in your Own right: Assertiveness and You" might be a start.