Found OH's graphic dirty emails about cheating with men, need advice

[Hanna250809]

Hi I am a female (23) and I've been with my partner (26) for 3 years now. About a year into our relationship, while helping him to find a missing email in his inbox I stumbled upon a email from a gay dating/ hook up website. I thought it was spam and jokingly asked him if there was something he wasn't telling me. He suddenly went really weird and shifty and started acting strange. As far as I knew he was straight, I'd asked him a month or two before this if he'd ever had feelings for men or had sexual relations with a man and he had said no. So I shrugged it off and put it to the back of my mind. But later that evening it started to bug me as he was usually so laid back and his behaviour when I saw that Email had been so out of character. So I went on his email again and searched terms such as "sex" and "gay". What I found shocked me. It turns out he was a member of at least 15 gay dating sites. Not only that but during our relationship he'd been planning to meet up with older (50-75) men to have sex. I read messages between him and a guy he'd hooked up with before me and him got together with details of their sexual relationship. I also found emails between him and this man from during our relationship planning to hook up again. He sent messages saying he was getting on the train "see you in two hours". Naturally, I was very upset. I confronted him about this and at first he denied everything and shouted at me for prying in his email. After me explaining that I'd read every message in great detail he admitted to the messages and the sites but claimed he did not meet up with anyone while me and him where together. He then proceeded to get really angry and upset and smash his laptop and try and comitt suicide. 2 years on we have never been able to properly talk about this or sort it out. All in all our relationship is good but sometimes I get really down and upset and worry if this is still going on or if he is telling me the truth. He wouldn't let me tell any of my friends so I have no one to confide in.

There are somethings that still bother me about the situation and I'm looking for advice of how to deal with it:

1. Every time I attempt to talk about it he gets angry and me and gets suicidal
2. He always searches on Facebook for a guy he used to fancy at uni
3. I found a cancelled order for an anal dildo on his emails from a time when we were together
4. He told the guy he hooked up with he loved him on one of the emails he sent 6 months into our relationship
5. He lied to me about his previous sexual experiences (he said he had a gf for 4 years before me which was a lie I am the only woman he's ever slept with)
6. I worry that he's lying about not hooking up with the people he emailed and that he's still on those sites
7. I worry that I'm not good enough and this is why this happened :(

He tells me I'm hot and attractive and we have a great sex life but I really worry that I'm not good enough for him and that this unresolved problem will hang over me for the rest of my life. I love him and he loves me and I really want to make it work but this makes it difficult because I've such low self esteem.

Thanks for reading any advice would be appreciated x

Final point.
He is using the threat of suicide as a weapon. Despicable disgusting man.

He admits now that he's bi but only to me no one else. His family are a bit homophobic but his sister is a lesbian and they came round to that in no time and accept her and her gf now.

It just kills me that I can't know the truth because I don't trust him.

I can't picture my life without him because I actually love him so much. Apart from this our relationship is really good and we get on so well. :(

Condoms do not protect against every STD

Men who have sex with men on the downlow, i.e. men who are not open about their sexuality and don't openly date men, are at highest risk for STIs, because since they're in denial about their sexuality and the sex they usually don't protect.

My friend knew a woman who contracted HIV from her husband - he was deeply in love with her, but also secretly having sex with men. From whom he caught HIV, and gave it to her. If you do absolutely NOTHING else, start using condoms with him, today.

HE IS GAY!

You are young, please move on from this. Even if he is not meeting men for sex at the moment, he will do in the future. Why would you want to be with somebody who has already lied to you, and has shown a strong preference for sex with men? I want to shake you. I know that is not helpful, but I really do.

You'd love to spend your life with a man who has sex with other men behind your back, messages other men too. And then threatens suicide and refuses to talk about what's happened??

This!!!

I know a lot of gay men who were initially married, kids the lot, and were leading a second life meeting up with men on the side,, your boyfriend is one of them, ignore and marry him at your peril then OP, apart from his sexuality, he treats you like crap, not exactly a good basis for a marriage.

Yeah we don't use condoms which scares me. I'm going to get checked out for sure.

Not sure if anything has happened since I found the emails. But not sure if it hasn't happened or he's just got better at hiding his emails/ texts

No no no no no.

You have to leave - I am so sorry but you HAVE to leave.

You're 23, with your whole life ahead of you.

You have all the time in the world to find someone who won't lie to you and use violence and suicide threats to shut you up and maintain your facade of a relationship.

This isn't going to get resolved. Firstly, he is bisexual, so no , you are never going to be 'enough' for him. That's not your fault, any heterosexual relationship he has will present him with the same problem. (However, I'm not surprised your self-esteem is rock bottom when he spends all his time lying to you about his cheating).

Secondly, he's a cheat, and this is FAR more important than the bisexuality. He lies and lies and lies, and he cheats. He's even lied to you about past girlfriends, so it's not even as if this is all about his confusion over who he wants to be with - man or woman. He just Is A Cheat.

If you stay with him, this won't change. He might decide he's happy being in a heterosexual relationship and stay with you, but he'll probably still lie and cheat and be on hookup sites, because he thinks this is ok. If he didn't think it was ok, he wouldn't do it. Bisexual doesn't mean constant lies and hookup sites. Being a cheat is the cause of that.

Also, he clearly has strong feelings for men. There's every chance he will eventually decide that he wants to be in a homosexual relationship, or have a male as his primary partner. Do you want to risk that? Do you really want to be ten years down the line, with two kids, when he announces that he can no longer live a lie and he's gay, and bye bye?

Finally - the thing that stands out most of all from this is quite simple. He's just not a very nice man. He's a liar (did Imention that already?) He won't talk about things which are important in your relationship. He uses threats (suicide) to get his own way. Your self esteem is rock bottom. It's not a nice relationship. You are young. Let me tell you now that your 40-year old self will be screaming at you NOT to let this jerk be the father of your children or your life partner.

You 'love' him, but this is a shit relationship and he certainly does not value or cherish you. Please, move on!!

OK, he's bisexual. Not necessarily a problem. He's a cheater who lies and makes you doubt yourself. Definitely a problem.

Not sure this...

Not sure that...

You will never be sure. He has shown you by his past behaviour and massively msnipulative hysterics he is not to be trusted.

But not sure if it hasn't happened or he's just got better at hiding his emails/ texts

Look at what you are saying, about the man you supposedly love. Is this the relationship you want? With a person you believe this of - that he's possibly LYING and you just haven't found out yet?

You can do so much better.

FizzyGreenWater has nailed this. Please heed this advice. You are being used. He is only threatening suicide because he does not want to face up to the fact that he is gay.

Firstly, he is bisexual, so no , you are never going to be 'enough' for him. That's not your fault, any heterosexual relationship he has will present him with the same problem.

Can we not trot out this old chestnut, please? Lots of bisexual people, including bi men, form happy, monogamous relationships, whether it's with people of the opposite or same sex. I have some among my friends.

He's not a cheater because he's bi. He's a cheater because he cheats.

Don't waste your youth on someone who cheats on you and threatens suicide when you challenge him.
Don't marry him fgs.
This relationship is built on lies and deception and needs To end.

Think about your sexual health, he could end up giving you a death sentence.

He told me that he didn't think what he was doing (sending sexual messages) was wrong and thought it was "just the same as watching porn" because "it's not real". He denies ever having sex with anyone while we were together but he actually admitted to kissing a female friend of ours on a night out at the very start of our relationship when we weren't exactly exclusive (confirmed by her) which also confuses me

Do you see yourself having children with this man? I really hope not.

To be blunt, in summary:

He lies
He lies
He lies
He lies
and he emotionally manipulates

You are so young my love. Make this relationship the thing you regret when you are older, nit the thing that continues to eat away at you right now

Also, sod what he thinks it means (remember he lies) How does it make you feel? That is all that matters

I do see myself having kids with him as he's great with his nieces and nephews and has worked with children a lot in the past. He his honestly (personality wise) my ideal match as we just get on so well. I just feel so depressed that this came out of the blue and ruined what I thought was such a perfect relationship with my soulmate :(

Well clearly he's either bi or gay and is struggling to be honest about it, but that's irrelevant IMO.

He cheats on you and then lies about it. You can't trust him. Surely that's the deal breaker?

Leave him. Please.

You have your whole life ahead of you, and this man not only cheats on you, but also exposes you to a high risk of STDs.

It will be hard the first months after you leave, but you have to do this to protect yourself.

If he really loved you so much, would he have done this to you?

Agree with PP, it doesn't matter if he's cheating with a man or a woman, he's cheating. I don't believe for one second that he's stopped.

He's also lying and manipulating you.

Please stop having unprotected sex with him. You're putting your health at serious risk every single time. You have no idea whether he's using condoms when he has sex with other people or not.

Also, you love him but he does not love you. He lies. Do you lie?

Ok he's clearly into men. Perhaps women too, Id imagine so if you have good sex.

But he's cheated on you.
He's gaslighted you.
He's minimised.
He's been emotionally abusive and manipulative (suicide attempts)
He's not willing to talk.

He doesn't care that much about you or he would e been honest when you asked him.

He is being vile threatening suicide. Even if he felt suicidal it is not your responsibility.

Why are you still with him?

Please tell me you don't have unprotected sex - otherwise your chances of having something already are very high.