Found OH's graphic dirty emails about cheating with men, need advice

[Hanna250809]

Hi I am a female (23) and I've been with my partner (26) for 3 years now. About a year into our relationship, while helping him to find a missing email in his inbox I stumbled upon a email from a gay dating/ hook up website. I thought it was spam and jokingly asked him if there was something he wasn't telling me. He suddenly went really weird and shifty and started acting strange. As far as I knew he was straight, I'd asked him a month or two before this if he'd ever had feelings for men or had sexual relations with a man and he had said no. So I shrugged it off and put it to the back of my mind. But later that evening it started to bug me as he was usually so laid back and his behaviour when I saw that Email had been so out of character. So I went on his email again and searched terms such as "sex" and "gay". What I found shocked me. It turns out he was a member of at least 15 gay dating sites. Not only that but during our relationship he'd been planning to meet up with older (50-75) men to have sex. I read messages between him and a guy he'd hooked up with before me and him got together with details of their sexual relationship. I also found emails between him and this man from during our relationship planning to hook up again. He sent messages saying he was getting on the train "see you in two hours". Naturally, I was very upset. I confronted him about this and at first he denied everything and shouted at me for prying in his email. After me explaining that I'd read every message in great detail he admitted to the messages and the sites but claimed he did not meet up with anyone while me and him where together. He then proceeded to get really angry and upset and smash his laptop and try and comitt suicide. 2 years on we have never been able to properly talk about this or sort it out. All in all our relationship is good but sometimes I get really down and upset and worry if this is still going on or if he is telling me the truth. He wouldn't let me tell any of my friends so I have no one to confide in.

There are somethings that still bother me about the situation and I'm looking for advice of how to deal with it:

1. Every time I attempt to talk about it he gets angry and me and gets suicidal
2. He always searches on Facebook for a guy he used to fancy at uni
3. I found a cancelled order for an anal dildo on his emails from a time when we were together
4. He told the guy he hooked up with he loved him on one of the emails he sent 6 months into our relationship
5. He lied to me about his previous sexual experiences (he said he had a gf for 4 years before me which was a lie I am the only woman he's ever slept with)
6. I worry that he's lying about not hooking up with the people he emailed and that he's still on those sites
7. I worry that I'm not good enough and this is why this happened :(

He tells me I'm hot and attractive and we have a great sex life but I really worry that I'm not good enough for him and that this unresolved problem will hang over me for the rest of my life. I love him and he loves me and I really want to make it work but this makes it difficult because I've such low self esteem.

Thanks for reading any advice would be appreciated x

Sorry to sound stupid but what does it mean that I'm his beard?

Gay or Bi, doesn't matter. He lies to you. He cheats on you.

I sense you'll stay because, apart from the lies and the cheating, everything is really good

Whilst you may set YOUR bar so low, it really wouldn't be fair to expose children to such dysfunction.

If he did do something to hurt himself, that's not on you. That would be HIS CHOICE. You can't cause someone to take their own life. He is a manipulative, lying, cheating prick.

I am a bisexual woman married to a straight man and yes, there is a part of me that misses being with women. However, I love my husband deeply and want to be with only him. So I don't cheat on him with women - simple.

Thanks for your opinions I probably need to start understanding my self worth… but it's so hard :/

He's cheated on you repeatedly, he's lied to you, he's put your health at risk, and he is trying to manipulate you with the suicide threats. This situation is not going to improve.

Pay no attention to the threats, even though he purported to put one into effect. It's easy enough to do something that looks just enough like attempted suicide to reel the recalcitrant partner in. My sister's abusive ex used to do this and ended up in hospital more than once. However, three years after she finally broke off with him he's still alive and healthy, and probably doing the same to another poor woman.

OP you're in denial.

This man is gay or at the least bi sexual.

He has also been messaging men to meet for sex.

Do you really want to catch an stdio and live in la la land forever?

What's next ,kids? You really want to explain that to them?

If you want to be with a man that likes to fuck other men then crack on and pray you don't catch anything

Otherwise leave!

Oh OP I foresee years of pain, distrust and insecurity if you stay with this man, he's a liar and a cheat. Please think beyond the here and now, yes it will be hard to walk away from him when you still love him but the alternative could be years, decades even, of watching and wondering and waiting. Waiting for the day you find that email he didn't remember to delete, watching him for signs that he's cheating, that you really aren't 'enough' for him after all. Spending your life like that will destroy your self esteem, your confidence and will make it difficult for you to trust anyone in future relationships.

Don't sign yourself up for that, get out now while the damage isn't too extensive and give yourself the chance of meeting someone decent, someone who's able to be honest with himself and the world about who and what he is.

I do feel some sympathy for your DP, he's clearly gay and struggling to come to terms with it but you don't deserve to be collateral damage or to be lied to and taken for a fool. I don't think you should be fooled by the fact that your sex life with him is good either, plenty of gay men manage to have sex with women when they're still in denial. The fact that he can't stay away from men despite being committed to you speaks volumes to me, particularly as there's no evidence to suggest he's also cheating with women. Even if I'm wrong and he's not gay but 'just' a cheat, you deserve better than that OP

I think your partner is struggling to come to terms with his sexuality.

Could you sit him down and say you're happy to be his cover when you need to (if you are for friends, family, co workers) but tell him the relationship is over.

Oh you poor thing. I haven't read everyone messages so might be repeating things here, but this isn't the life you want to carry on living. You two might be able to cover it up for a few years, even have kids, but it will always be simmering and will eventually all blow up. Get out now while you can. I got married at 22 thinking this guy was the love of my life, completely ignoring my gut instincts. Needless to say we are now divorced and he made my life very difficult, he is very manipulative and I should have got out a lot earlier. Do that while you can.
It doesn't matter that he cheated on you with a woman or man, he still cheated (I'd believe what you read on his emails and not what he tells you) and that means he will probably continue to do so.
My advice would be to leave on as best terms as possible, if he pulls the whole suicide stunt tell him you will call the police for his own protection. Get yourself checked just to be on the safe side, find a nice room in a shared house and move on.

Telling you he'll commit suicide because of your actions is a form of control. It's a neat way to ensure you don't bring up any subjects he doesn't want to discuss.

He's lied his arse off while you've been together, and he'll continue to do so.

Totally irrelevant that the relationship is good the rest of the time. These problems will eventually overtake your partnership, guaranteed.

Sexual preference aside - he has cheated/lied/manipulated

Do you really think these are solid foundations to base a marriage upon?

You are 23YO, please don't waste your life trying to fix someone. You will break yourself trying.

Get out now before he breaks you.

Contact a friend of his, you shouldn't have to bear the burden of worry about his safety alone. Tell someone what he is threatening.

Beard- a woman who accompanies a homosexual man as an escort to a social occasion, in order to help conceal his homosexuality.

The fact he has concealed the fact he has history of men suggests he's more gay than bisexual and given this is first sexual relationship with a woman. I agree don't marry this man it's going to end up with years of turmoil ahead of you especially if you have DC together. I wish I could go back in time and tell my younger self not to make the same mistakes. Listen to what people are telling you.

He's abusive.

That's all you need to know.

Abusive people are usually abusive because; a. They are insecure about something and b. They feel entitled to behave abusively based on them being insecure.

What the actual insecurity is about is not the relevant factor, though it is usually what people they have abused fixate on because it seems like something that could be 'fixed'.

The relevant factor is the entitlement. The entitlement to abuse others to make up for deficits in oneself.

Once that has happened in an intimate relationship there is no going back. The pattern is established, it will always go back that way even if there is a (rare) episode of non-abusive behaviour because the roles are established and the abuser benefits hugely from the abuse - that is why they do it.

Do not marry this abusive man. Read up about abuse. Recognise how he is abusive and leave him.

I am going to offer an alternative option. Obviously the main option is to dump his cheating ass. However you seem to deeply care about this man and his well being and want a future with him.

I think you have to accept that he has massive mental health issues surrounding his bisexuality.

Would you be able to support him in this aspect of his personality? Would you be willing to open your relationship in any way? Explore this part of his sexuality together? Would he be comfortable with you exploring your sexual identify too, as equals.

If not, then dump him.

A beard is a woman married to/dating a gay man so that he can pretend to be straight. Like John Travolta's wife.
Did he attempt suicide in a way that made sure you would find him and save him? If so, it's not the same as an attempt with a realistic chance of success.
If you leave, get advice from professionals first as to how to handle the chance that he will hurt himself. You can leave even if he is suicidal, this isn't a trump card that removes your free will.
I'm bi and so is my OH. Neither of us cheat.
I don't think you are obliged to keep his cheating a secret, he has cheated on you so lost his right to consideration. You can tell family and friends that he cheated on you without saying it was with men.
If the mails were all a fantasy there would be some indication of that in them. If you write a mail to someone with imaginary plans to meet and hook up, there would be a mail somewhere that agreed that this was the game, otherwise how would the other person know it was fake?

Definition of a beard

I think you should gently end your relationship.

Tell this man you will stand by him and be his friend, maybe even be a pretend girlfriend for certain events if necessary, but for your own sake, let him go emotionally, romantically and physically.

Whatever he says to the contrary, he prefers men.

He's cheated on you multiple times and is likely still cheating on you and turns it all back on you when confronted and threatens bloody suicide to shut you up. Who cares if he's gay or bisexual or whether he's struggling to come to terms with it. That doesn't mean you can promise monogamy and then fuck about behind your partners back. Please don't be a mug, and please get yourself tested for STDs

Please have a serious conversation about this with him. Before you plan a wedding - he has to be honest with you. He has to give you what you need to trust him.

Without trust, there's no way this will be a happy marriage.

Is John Travolta gay?

I don't think I could pretend to be his gf it would hurt too much :(

It sounds like his suicide attempt was much more about his mental health difficulties confronting his sexuality than the end of the relationship.

The fact is people can be conflicted in their sexuality and not cheat. He chose to cheat.

It would be easier for you to get some perspective on this if you could have a complete break for 3 months.
And please, get a full STD and HIV check up. His lifestyle is high risk, and so is yours. But you did not consent to this.

Nothing against open relationships, but these are based on honesty. It won't work with this guy.