Found OH's graphic dirty emails about cheating with men, need advice

[Hanna250809]

Hi I am a female (23) and I've been with my partner (26) for 3 years now. About a year into our relationship, while helping him to find a missing email in his inbox I stumbled upon a email from a gay dating/ hook up website. I thought it was spam and jokingly asked him if there was something he wasn't telling me. He suddenly went really weird and shifty and started acting strange. As far as I knew he was straight, I'd asked him a month or two before this if he'd ever had feelings for men or had sexual relations with a man and he had said no. So I shrugged it off and put it to the back of my mind. But later that evening it started to bug me as he was usually so laid back and his behaviour when I saw that Email had been so out of character. So I went on his email again and searched terms such as "sex" and "gay". What I found shocked me. It turns out he was a member of at least 15 gay dating sites. Not only that but during our relationship he'd been planning to meet up with older (50-75) men to have sex. I read messages between him and a guy he'd hooked up with before me and him got together with details of their sexual relationship. I also found emails between him and this man from during our relationship planning to hook up again. He sent messages saying he was getting on the train "see you in two hours". Naturally, I was very upset. I confronted him about this and at first he denied everything and shouted at me for prying in his email. After me explaining that I'd read every message in great detail he admitted to the messages and the sites but claimed he did not meet up with anyone while me and him where together. He then proceeded to get really angry and upset and smash his laptop and try and comitt suicide. 2 years on we have never been able to properly talk about this or sort it out. All in all our relationship is good but sometimes I get really down and upset and worry if this is still going on or if he is telling me the truth. He wouldn't let me tell any of my friends so I have no one to confide in.

There are somethings that still bother me about the situation and I'm looking for advice of how to deal with it:

1. Every time I attempt to talk about it he gets angry and me and gets suicidal
2. He always searches on Facebook for a guy he used to fancy at uni
3. I found a cancelled order for an anal dildo on his emails from a time when we were together
4. He told the guy he hooked up with he loved him on one of the emails he sent 6 months into our relationship
5. He lied to me about his previous sexual experiences (he said he had a gf for 4 years before me which was a lie I am the only woman he's ever slept with)
6. I worry that he's lying about not hooking up with the people he emailed and that he's still on those sites
7. I worry that I'm not good enough and this is why this happened :(

He tells me I'm hot and attractive and we have a great sex life but I really worry that I'm not good enough for him and that this unresolved problem will hang over me for the rest of my life. I love him and he loves me and I really want to make it work but this makes it difficult because I've such low self esteem.

Thanks for reading any advice would be appreciated x

I really worry that...this unresolved problem will hang over me for the rest of my life

Of course it will! It is one thing to be open and talk about this issue (although it would still be a hell of a hurdle to face) and quite another to refuse to confront it and guilt you into staying quiet. I don't think it is possible to live this way without risking huge mental health problems (for you as well as him).

When he attempted suicide he did not want to be found. He walked for miles into the countryside and overdosed, it was only by chance that he was found the next morning still alive after passing out and throwing up. He took about 50 antidepressants along with about 20 paracetamol and some vodka. It's a miracle that he actually survived :/

Nobody knows whether he prefers men. Plenty of people are 50/50. It's easier to get casual sex from men who sleep with men, so more efficient for a cheater.
It's the cheating and lying that's the problem.

Darling,

I know it's hard, but you have to leave - imagine your wedding day!

Can you move in with a friend for a week or two, and get some headspace?

What about your life? Dont you deserve one? Is this the future you want for your children?
You are a hostage to his emotions.

Araminta I've no friends in the surrounding area as I live about 4 hours away from where I grew up and only moved to this area 4 years ago. I've some work friends but not exactly close enough to ask to stay for a while :/

How would you feel if the emails eta were to women? Would you leave? The issue here isn't his sexuality it's his lies and cheating.

If his mental health problems are so severe, you won't be able to be the plaster on that forever and you will be wasting both of your lives and putting yourself at risk of HIV. You may be helping him by leaving. Contact MIND or the Samaritans for advice on how to leave safely.

We can speculate all day about his motives and sexuality but the fact is he has lied to you - a lot - and wants to continue to keep everything under wraps. He doesn't accept that this all needs a good airing and that there are unresolved issues that need to be worked out to everyone's satisfaction. He doesn't seem to want this resolved, he acts like he wants it to remain hidden.

Your great sex life is irrelevant if you can't get your heads straight. You might be interested in reading Now Everyone Will Know: www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B017WFGTDW/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1&tag=mumsnetforum-21 The author describes a similar relationship with her husband, whom she loved and had a red-hot sex life with. He had been secretly sleeping with men throughout their relationship and when he was hospitalised with AIDS (which killed him) he tried to suggest that she had infected him (she and her children were not infected).

This isn't really about straight, gay or bi (that is his concern which only he can come to terms with), this is about being ashamed, keeping secrets and lying. That is the destructive part and it is not under your control. This isn't a 90% great relationship, it's 90% keeping up appearances. I could not trust this person until he got a handle on his own shame and really got to know himself. You don't know him, he won't let you.

He is clearly a very troubled man. I suspect he's filled with self-loathing about it. This is not uncommon - many gay men struggle to accept their sexuality. He needs to admit the situation, and get help and counselling from a charity or a counsellor with expertise in sexuality-related issues.

I think you need to bring this up with him in a way that keeps the emotion as far out of it as possible, and just discusses it as a practical problem. You need a counsellor yourself to deal with the emotional fallout separately. He is CLEARLY not right for you - he's not ever going to be content in a heterosexual relationship. I think you need some real life support from friends too - you need to tell someone you trust, in confidence, what is going on. This is not breaking a confidence - you need support.

I wouldn't (and indeed didn't though that relationship didn't get very far for other reasons) have an issue with being with a bisexual man.

I would have an issue with being with a cheat and a liar.

I know it's terrible when he is threatening suicide but using those threats to control you is a major warning sign for other types of abuse. I'd run - don't walk - away.

His mental health problems, his issues with his sexuality and with cheating are not your problem. You can't fix them.

If he had told doctors about his conflicted sexuality at the time of his suicide attempt rather than just billing it as depression, he could have got help and support for it then.

He can't just use you as beard for life and continue to fuck random men just to avoid confronting his problems.

He's chosen a very self-destructive life path and if you don't save yourself he will take you down with him.

Oh good God don't marry him. You'll both be miserable.

What RidingWindhorses said, with bells on.

The person you think you love isn't real, because you don't know who he really is, and neither does he.

look at rooms to rent locally and move out.
from a distance, get counselling and really re evaluate.
you dont have kids you can go rent a room in shared house you have options
you have a job.
your work can maybe issue you a loan for the deposit.

Cestlavielife thanks that's maybe a good option for me, I think I'm going to try and talk to him about This because it's eating me up inside I'm just so scared of the fallout from gently breaking up with him (from him as well as the emotional impact on me)

but I really worry that I'm not good enough for him

He's a cheater and an abuser, however nice a face he puts on it. He's cheated on you. And threatening suicide is a well-known abuser's move, and he's done it to you repeatedly.

Hanna, he won't change. He will never change, no matter what excuses he comes up with. They never do. Get away from him as soon as you possibly can.

I am so sorry he's put you through this.

You have wasted 2 years after discovering you are with a man who cheats and lies. Don't waste any more time. You will never be able to trust him and the chances of him being faithful are very low.

Hanna - Given the history, you have to approach this with a plan. I think you need to plan to break up with him with military precision. You need to set a time and a date beforehand, and ensure that someone in his family knows when it is about to happen and is ready and on hand to swoop in and take care of him in the aftermath so that he is safe. Having his family line up emergency counselling sessions may also be a good plan. It is NOT your responsibility to care for him in the aftermath.

Agree whether he is bi or gay hes playing you and theres no respect. You are not there to save him, no one can only he can sort himself. I would suggest today you start with an exit plan. Dont tell him-this is for you. Work- you have a contract can you move within the company to a diffetent site. Do you have a mentor?
Accommodation -are you tied to the house via rent, visit cab to see how you can finantially extracate yourself. Think a temp room in spare room.com. break YOUR future into chunks and view the last few years as something to move on from.

There's nothing wrong with your DP being bisexual but the lies and the cheating are something else! Would you tolerate this if he was messaging / hooking up with women for casual sex? It sounds as though he's ashamed of his attraction to men (many due to upbringing / friends possible reactions or upsetting family) and is using you to have his proverbial cake and eat it.
The suicide threats are frankly - manipulation IMO. He is in denial about his sexuality and is emotionally abusing you when you dare to question it. Get out of this relationship sooner rather than later. If he really loved you he wouldn't be lying to you, fucking men behind your back and manipulating you into not daring to question it.

ensure that someone in his family knows when it is about to happen and is ready and on hand to swoop in and take care of him in the aftermath so that he is safe

Just to note that even if you don't so this, it is not your responsibility to arrange his safety. He has repeatedly risked yours. Put yourself first, for once. Ensure your safety.

He is bi, he needs binning.

I love him so much and our relationship is good 90% of the time.

It's not good 90% of the time when it's a sham 100% of the time. His sexuality is irrelevant. He's a cheater, a liar and a manipulator.

You need to leave him before you end up with something nasty. Why risk your health and life (not to mention the health of any kids you may have)?