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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Found OH's graphic dirty emails about cheating with men, need advice

166 replies

Hanna250809 · 26/07/2017 10:19

Hi I am a female (23) and I've been with my partner (26) for 3 years now. About a year into our relationship, while helping him to find a missing email in his inbox I stumbled upon a email from a gay dating/ hook up website. I thought it was spam and jokingly asked him if there was something he wasn't telling me. He suddenly went really weird and shifty and started acting strange. As far as I knew he was straight, I'd asked him a month or two before this if he'd ever had feelings for men or had sexual relations with a man and he had said no. So I shrugged it off and put it to the back of my mind. But later that evening it started to bug me as he was usually so laid back and his behaviour when I saw that Email had been so out of character. So I went on his email again and searched terms such as "sex" and "gay". What I found shocked me. It turns out he was a member of at least 15 gay dating sites. Not only that but during our relationship he'd been planning to meet up with older (50-75) men to have sex. I read messages between him and a guy he'd hooked up with before me and him got together with details of their sexual relationship. I also found emails between him and this man from during our relationship planning to hook up again. He sent messages saying he was getting on the train "see you in two hours". Naturally, I was very upset. I confronted him about this and at first he denied everything and shouted at me for prying in his email. After me explaining that I'd read every message in great detail he admitted to the messages and the sites but claimed he did not meet up with anyone while me and him where together. He then proceeded to get really angry and upset and smash his laptop and try and comitt suicide. 2 years on we have never been able to properly talk about this or sort it out. All in all our relationship is good but sometimes I get really down and upset and worry if this is still going on or if he is telling me the truth. He wouldn't let me tell any of my friends so I have no one to confide in.

There are somethings that still bother me about the situation and I'm looking for advice of how to deal with it:

  1. Every time I attempt to talk about it he gets angry and me and gets suicidal
  2. He always searches on Facebook for a guy he used to fancy at uni
  3. I found a cancelled order for an anal dildo on his emails from a time when we were together
  4. He told the guy he hooked up with he loved him on one of the emails he sent 6 months into our relationship
  5. He lied to me about his previous sexual experiences (he said he had a gf for 4 years before me which was a lie I am the only woman he's ever slept with)
  6. I worry that he's lying about not hooking up with the people he emailed and that he's still on those sites
  7. I worry that I'm not good enough and this is why this happened :(

He tells me I'm hot and attractive and we have a great sex life but I really worry that I'm not good enough for him and that this unresolved problem will hang over me for the rest of my life. I love him and he loves me and I really want to make it work but this makes it difficult because I've such low self esteem.

Thanks for reading any advice would be appreciated x

OP posts:
Fishface77 · 26/07/2017 11:14

"It" didn't ruin your relationship, HE did.
Like I said previously your great relationship is a lie. You are wasting your life.
Another thing, your not "allowed" to tell anyone? So no support network?
Run op.

MsHarry · 26/07/2017 11:14

You love him and have some sort of relationship, whether that be built on lies and denial is another matter but it is always hard to walk away from familiarity. Doesn't mean it is wrong to. Get some help, find some support groups for him, get yourself checked out health wise and move on. I understand that it's not as cut and dried as being unfaithful because he is wrestling with his feelings and you love him. You can still support him and get him help it come to terms with who he is from outside a relationship.

lanouvelleheloise · 26/07/2017 11:15

He is clearly bisexual and a total cheater. And manipulative, to boot, with the suicide attempts when discovered.

You need this man out of your life. He's untrustworthy, unstable, dishonest and disloyal.

IdentifiesAsYoda · 26/07/2017 11:16

I wonder, though, that the fact it's men also creates a bit of a smokescreen, in that he can use his emotional 'turmoil' to make you feel sorry for him.

Original poster
Hanna250809 · 26/07/2017 11:16

He says he'll comitt suicide because "he can't deal with what he's done to me" and he "can't bear to see me so upset because of him"

OP posts:
IdentifiesAsYoda · 26/07/2017 11:17

MsHarry

X post

I am cynical about this. Had a friend who strung his wife along for years, doing what he wanted whilst exploring his gender identity. Loved himself way more that he loveD her

IdentifiesAsYoda · 26/07/2017 11:19

So don't be upset. Don't show him you are upset, at least. That's vile manipulation

CockacidalManiac · 26/07/2017 11:19

He says he'll comitt suicide because "he can't deal with what he's done to me" and he "can't bear to see me so upset because of him"

What an arsehole he is. He's manipulating you.

Winelover93 · 26/07/2017 11:20

He's gay and that's it!

OnionKnight · 26/07/2017 11:21

You need to dump this scumbag.

IdentifiesAsYoda · 26/07/2017 11:23

Step 1:

Tell someone in real life. Take this further out of your head

Sluttybartfast · 26/07/2017 11:24

He says he'll comitt suicide because "he can't deal with what he's done to me" and he "can't bear to see me so upset because of him"

Hanna, can you hear how manipulative that is? If that's so, why does he only feel that way when you dare to question him? Why does he apparently feel fine about it when he's telling men he loves them and arranging to meet them for sex? It's MORE manipulative because he turns it around on you and implies it's your fault he might kill himself.

Firstly, I am 99.9% sure he won't even attempt suicide. People who use threats like this to manipulate usually don't. Secondly, in the very unlikely event that he did, it would still not be in the slightest your fault. You have EVERY RIGHT to ask your fiance about the evidence that he's been cheating on you with men!

Everyone else: can we maybe try not to get too caught up in pinning down what his sexuality "really" is? Maybe he'll come out a year from now, maybe he'll be happily married to a woman, nobody can know, but the important issue right now is that the OP should absolutely not marry him, because he has cheated on her, lied to and gaslit her.

ijustwannadance · 26/07/2017 11:25

He's says he will commit suicide so that you keep your mouth shut and don't tell everyone what he has done and 'out' him.

Original poster
Hanna250809 · 26/07/2017 11:25

Thanks for your advice identifies as yoda. I think I will I just don't know who to talk to as my friends wouldn't understand :/ maybe a counsellor? I don't know

OP posts:
Original poster
Hanna250809 · 26/07/2017 11:27

The thing is he actually attempted suicide as soon as I confronted him 2 yrs ago. Ended up in hosp for 3 days :/

OP posts:
IdentifiesAsYoda · 26/07/2017 11:29

Yes. Don't delay though. Getting a counsellor could take a while. You can call the Samaritans (116 123) first.

They would just listen and not judge. Once you've talked to them maybe it would be easier to confide in a friend, or family member

Sluttybartfast · 26/07/2017 11:29

Hanna as a starting point you might want to check out the Straight Spouse Network: www.straightspouse.org

If you don't feel your friends could help then a professional counsellor is a good idea. You can go on the BACP website and search specifically for counsellors with specialism in dealing with sexual and sexuality issues if you think that might help.

IdentifiesAsYoda · 26/07/2017 11:30

.... who supported him then? He must have other family/friends?

jay55 · 26/07/2017 11:30

You deserve someone who puts you first.

He's stringing you along and the people he is messaging. He's all round awful and you are not responsible for his mental health.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 26/07/2017 11:30

If he can't bear to see you upset, then perhaps he shouldn't do upsetting things.

This man is a liar and a manipulator. How can you have a relationship with someone who can't even be relied on to tell you the truth? Please make plans to get out. Do not marry this man or get pregnant to him. He may even have given you an STD - would you want to pass that on to your future kids?

ijustwannadance · 26/07/2017 11:30

When he ended up in hospital for 3 days what story did he tell his family?

Original poster
Hanna250809 · 26/07/2017 11:31

Thanks sluttybartfast x

OP posts:
Dowser · 26/07/2017 11:34

Once a cheat always a cheat.
It leaches into everything
Pick up your bags and run
Everything happens for a reason
You were shown the email for a reason ...so you can make an informed choice
You chose to stay...but it's not working is it?

You want more than you've got don't you?
Nothing wrong with that.
At the moment you're in a competition that you aren't ever going to win.
You'll end up exhausted and a shell of yourself
Not good grounds to enter into marriage

Underthemoonlight · 26/07/2017 11:34

Sorry to say but you are this guys beard. The fact your the only woman he's been with and he's being contacting men during your relationship is very telling. Way stay another 2 years?

Original poster
Hanna250809 · 26/07/2017 11:34

When he was in hospital his family were called. He just gave some story about depression and then the docs upped his meds and after a few weeks he told his fam he was feeling much better. TBH his family aren't very supportive or close to him, his mum has 6 kids (he's the oldest) and she works full time at Asda plus over time so she's not got much time for him

OP posts: