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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Mystery WhatsApp conversation

563 replies

Foundwantingalways · 24/07/2017 07:33

My DP has been acting very very secretive with his phone, I have no other reason to suspect him of anything but the fact that he has been really weird over it and won't even leave it charging in my presence got me wondering. I have his phone password, he doesn't know. I've just checked it quickly while he was in the shower and there's a short message on WhatsApp, clearly only the latest fragment of a conversation, with a number saved in the name ' new'. There's a picture of a baby in their profile pic. There's nothing overly awful about the conversation but he's signed off a few messages with a kiss... This is not like him. One of the messages says 'night x' and before that one says. 'I always want to see pics x'. Now this could be innocent but I don't know of anyone, family or friends, who he'd be willing to send messages with a kiss to? I didn't know how to screenshot but I have managed to scribble down the mobile number. I really want to call it, but I just don't know how to go about it. I was thinking of maybe giving a different name and saying I'm from the local water board and need to speak to xyz, and see if I can get a name that way? I'm shaking. I cannot believe he's having an affair, he's keen for another baby and we're undergoing fertility tests at the moment, I'm so hoping it's not that but why be so secretive, and why isn't there a name on the WhatsApp contact? Any thoughts on my next move? He's on Android and is tech savvy so I don't have a tracking app or anything.

OP posts:
WelshMoth · 25/07/2017 07:24

I'm very sorry, Found.
Make sure you drink lots of fluids and try and eat. You are going to need your strength.

An STi test now is a priority - see your GP or google your local walk-in clinic and be honest. This isn't your secret to carry - he has betrayed you and your DD.

Keep posting here - you will have a tremendous amount of support and hand-holding.

You deserve so much better Flowers

dowhatyouwish · 25/07/2017 07:24

Eugh! He slept there?! Surely if he was sorry he'd stay in a hotel. Yep she's welcome to him. I reckon once the sex gets boring he will realise what he's missing. The grass isn't always greener.

Original poster
Foundwantingalways · 25/07/2017 07:26

I'm nearly 39 and haven't been able to get pregnant naturally for 2 years, so looks like IVF would be my only option. I'm not likely to meet anyone else anyway! At this moment in time I never want to go near a man again. I trusted my partner implicitly, and I have been made a total fool of. I'm not doing that again.

OP posts:
dowhatyouwish · 25/07/2017 07:28

Is the reason you haven't been able to get pregnant due to your cycle or could it have been an issue with his sperm? You never know you may not have a problem getting pregnant by someone else, although I know this is the last thing on your mind at the moment.

Original poster
Foundwantingalways · 25/07/2017 07:28

Oh God yes I'll need to go and get checked. I can't believe this is happening.

OP posts:
sentenceinterrupted · 25/07/2017 07:33

Found, I've been reading the saga. I just wanted to send you and your daughter some unmumsnetty hugs. It's an awful thing to have to go through. I'm so glad you've got some real life support. I hope this awful time passes quickly.

Original poster
Foundwantingalways · 25/07/2017 07:35

Thanks all

OP posts:
Jackson2010 · 25/07/2017 07:39

Put the number into Facebook and search for it on there. If nothing comes up then search on google. It definitely does sound strange, if that fails just turn the called ID off on your phone and call it and don't speak

Jackson2010 · 25/07/2017 07:41

Have just read the rest of the thread, I'm so sorry for what you are going through x

nigelsbigface · 25/07/2017 07:48

No need to decide anything at all today op.
You will still be in shock. let your family cosset you a bit today.

When you are ready, this week if you can-make an appointment with a solicitor to see where you stand re any assets, child maintenance etc. Good to do this now whilst he still feels some modicum, one would hope, of guilt. That doesn't last long-soon he will be twisting this as being your fault in some way (script-ignore ignore ignore).

Thinking of you

Ineedmorelemonpledge · 25/07/2017 07:55

So sorry to read the outcome of this Found.

But you've been incredibly strong to find this all out, and deal with it so swiftly.

Stay strong and just try to get through this one day at a time. You've armed yourself well with The Script, expect it all to be played out.

I think if it was me, I'd have heard enough details by now, I don't think any more will help. I would just block for the time being and he can communicate about your DD through your parents perhaps. They sound wonderful. Don't be afraid to lean on people, you are in shock, tremendous shock.

And when you feel like faltering or he lays the guilt heavily on you, remember what you read...

He was having unprotected anal sex with another woman, whilst trying for a pregnancy with his partner.

He put his selfish reckless sexual urges over the safety and security of his partner and mother of his child.

Please try and get tested this week sweetheart, you need a healthy body to support you through this. It's time to focus on yourself.

Flowers
Huffletuff · 25/07/2017 07:58

So sorry it was what you were dreading :(

Footle · 25/07/2017 08:20

Jackson, read the thread before you post.

CalmItKermitt · 25/07/2017 08:28

Oh OP 😥
I'm so sorry this is happening to you 💐

Original poster
Foundwantingalways · 25/07/2017 08:36

I have checked clinic times, I'm going to have to leave my dd with my parents while I go, what am I going to tell them?! I'm so embarrassed. And disgusted, and ashamed. As for the house, I'll try to get hold of a solicitor. I have all the paperwork here so hopefully they will be able to tell me where to start.

OP posts:
SchnitzelVonKrumm · 25/07/2017 08:39

Tell them the truth. You haven't done anything wrong.

Original poster
Foundwantingalways · 25/07/2017 08:42

My dd has his surname, I want to change it to mine, which he's agreed to. Otherwise I'll have to get his permission in the future to take her on holidays etc. As Nigel said above, this remorse won't last long and I want to get paperwork sorted while he's still reeling. So my next move is to get a signature from him to certify that he's happy with that. I know it's harsh but I am not going back to him, I don't want to be struggling with anything I don't have to.

OP posts:
Iggypupper · 25/07/2017 08:57

Op so sorry you are going through this. Its no comfort to say you are better off out of it. What a dirtbag to be having unprotected sex with you trying to conceive and her at the same time. Make your health the priority. And then look after you and your daughter. Is he the father? Only thing Id say is avoid the temptation to badmouth him to your daughter. I know that's hard but if he is her dad you need to keep that separate from how you feel at the moment. For her sake.

Original poster
Foundwantingalways · 25/07/2017 09:04

Yes he's her father, we've been together for nearly 8 years. No I will make sure she knows nothing about this, I don't want her not to have a good relationship with him, she loves her daddy. But I want to minimise contact with him in future and if I don't need his permission to take her on holiday etc that's better for me. I haven't heard anything from him today, incidentally, perhaps his phone ran out of battery. I can only hope.

OP posts:
adifferentnameforthis · 25/07/2017 09:18

You have nothing to be ashamed of. He's the fool, not you. You should be proud of who you are Flowers

TheHobbitMum · 25/07/2017 09:21

Sorry OP, he's a ln utter shit! Sorry excuse for a man, thrown away his family for a cheap affair. You are being so strong and in time you will look back and be glad you found out sooner rather than later. You'll find happiness again in time, with someone who deserves you Flowers

user1486956786 · 25/07/2017 09:26

Absolutely no rush to tell your daughter. She's very young and don't remember any of this.

He was probably trying to get out to avoid the conflict - pathetic.

littleredpear · 25/07/2017 09:28

Found tell your parents, mine were incredibly supportive. They knew that it was not my fault and their help was amazing.

What an utter shit.

The OW being an ex colleague is beyond reproach. The texts, meh. He'll get knob rot and it'll fall off hopefully.

I worried about me, my mental health, my reputation, my kids. Turns out all I got was support and love and understanding from others.

To lead you to think you were having another shot at a baby. I don't even have words.

Sending you all my love today and for the next few weeks. Keep talking on here. I vented, I cried. It helped Flowers

laurzj82 · 25/07/2017 09:33

Sorry OP. Was hoping for an innocent explanation Sad Big hugs. Stay strong Flowers

Magpie18 · 25/07/2017 10:07

So very sorry to read your updates Found, your pain is tangible.

He is an absolute shit and doesn't deserve you. You are 39 and have a wonderful life ahead of you. I was 61 & married almost 44 years when I found out about the 9 year "affair" that had been going on with an ex colleague. All happened during work/day time hours - it's really amazing how creative these shits can be.

My life & relationship has changed completely - memories soured, but I am too old to give up my home so we still "live together". I wish I'd have found out sooner, but it is what it is for me.

Please go on with your life without him, don't even look back. I'm so glad you have good family & friends to support you. Flowers xxx