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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mystery WhatsApp conversation

563 replies

Foundwantingalways · 24/07/2017 07:33

My DP has been acting very very secretive with his phone, I have no other reason to suspect him of anything but the fact that he has been really weird over it and won't even leave it charging in my presence got me wondering. I have his phone password, he doesn't know. I've just checked it quickly while he was in the shower and there's a short message on WhatsApp, clearly only the latest fragment of a conversation, with a number saved in the name ' new'. There's a picture of a baby in their profile pic. There's nothing overly awful about the conversation but he's signed off a few messages with a kiss... This is not like him. One of the messages says 'night x' and before that one says. 'I always want to see pics x'. Now this could be innocent but I don't know of anyone, family or friends, who he'd be willing to send messages with a kiss to? I didn't know how to screenshot but I have managed to scribble down the mobile number. I really want to call it, but I just don't know how to go about it. I was thinking of maybe giving a different name and saying I'm from the local water board and need to speak to xyz, and see if I can get a name that way? I'm shaking. I cannot believe he's having an affair, he's keen for another baby and we're undergoing fertility tests at the moment, I'm so hoping it's not that but why be so secretive, and why isn't there a name on the WhatsApp contact? Any thoughts on my next move? He's on Android and is tech savvy so I don't have a tracking app or anything.

OP posts:
Dibbles1967 · 25/07/2017 06:07

So sorry that you're going through this, but you will come out the other side.Don't let him use DD to manipulate you into having him back. Cheats always cheat & you're too good for him Flowers

Winterc00kie · 25/07/2017 06:12

Wow OP just Reading through this, what an utter twat. You seem to have your head on your shoulders, you WILL get through this and life will be so much better without captain cuntbag. Your finally rid of this worthless cheat.

GeekyWombat · 25/07/2017 06:21

You will manage Found. At this point just take it an hour at a time, one job at a time - whether that's getting DD ready for nursery or you managing to eat a piece of toast in the first instance.

You're going to get through this. So glad you had a bit of sleep and have your parents and friend close by today.

Flowers
Wonders71 · 25/07/2017 06:21

What a twat! I know people say this response all the time but just take one day at a time focus on today. Thinking of you x

Bluebelle38 · 25/07/2017 06:31

Of course it's overwhelming, but you will manage. I don't mean to minimise this for you, but it a terribly unfortunate fact that relationships end every day. I can only imagine the mixture of shock, fear, worry and stress you feel. I don't know how you feel about therapy, but it can be a great way to focus your thoughts when they are likely to be all over the place. It sounds like you have support which is a good start. In your darkest moment, tell yourself that while you are in for a tough ride, you will get through this. It's amazing the things we can come through when we have to. You know the truth, as much as that now hurts, it's better you know. Will keep you in my thoughts. Look after yourself xx

IHaveAnOutie · 25/07/2017 06:32

What an absolute cock! Who's the baby that was in the picture?!

BoobleMcB · 25/07/2017 06:46

How did you find out in the end? Did you take his phone?

GL with the test hun Flowers

C0untDucku1a · 25/07/2017 06:48

Sorry op

Foundwantingalways · 25/07/2017 06:50

Thank you. I have taken a first response test and I'm not pregnant. Which I actually cried over, how silly is that. This was my last chance for a baby, and it would have been disastrous if I had been pregnant, but I'm so gutted it's untrue. My whole future has been blown away in less than 12 hours. I'm trying to stop crying before my dd wakes up, I'm determined that she'll go to nursery happy today. I need to get something right. Thanks for listening. X

OP posts:
Foundwantingalways · 25/07/2017 06:53

Yes I picked up his phone while he was eating dinner... He soon stopped eating. The messages are disgusting, unprotected anal sex featured heavily. The last was while he was driving home from work yesterday.

OP posts:
dowhatyouwish · 25/07/2017 07:01

Omg OP how awful. Thankfully you've caught him out. I'm glad you're not pregnant but I'm also sad that you said it was your last opportunity to get pregnant. I hope there might be a way for you to have another child in the future with someone else maybe. It would be a shame to stop your desire because of him. He sounds like a nasty and manipulative piece of work. I'm guessing the other woman knows that he is married?

user1494187262 · 25/07/2017 07:04
Flowers I'm sorry xx
Ippydippyskyblue · 25/07/2017 07:04

Have you looked at the history on FB and had also had a look at his search engine history generally? A name could crop up there. Maybe he's just found an old female friend that he's not seen for ages. Maybe she's had fertility treatment too and he just needs someone to talk to. I'm just wondering if he feels guilty about this new friendship. I would check out the app truecaller though.

Has he changed any other habits like the way he dresses, whether he's more attentive to his body image and smell and using and using loads of deodorant and aftershave. I'd go through his pockets too, regularly to check for odd receipts. He's bound to trip up sometime. Is there any unexplained expenditure on his Visa card statement or bank account statement? .

As OP suggested in an earlier post I'd definitely use protection when you're having sex; you don't want to catch anything. As for his comment re chlamydia, I'd pop to the GUM clinic and pick up a leaflet. Leave it around and if he asks, say you picked it up at the doctors after your conversation the other day. You wanted to read more about it. I'd watch his reaction very carefully.

To ask a really pertinent question, but an important one in my view, is your sex life. Has it changed recently? Is it what's normal for you as a couple or has he changed there? Putting it off?

As for phoning him I wouldn't. Trying to carry off an accent isn't easy under pressure and a women's voice... I'd get an old male friend to ring it for me. Get him to phone for a 'Ms. Ummmm, can't quite make out her signature?' If they say no, then ask could it be confused with the person at the end of the line. They may say no, it's "Miss/Mrs Bloggs".

What does he do at the weekend? Does he spend any time out, alone? Any change of habits there?

My hubs picked up a number, I rang, and came storming up the stairs not too long ago, because I made a call with a charge rate. It was actually the Samaritans, I told him, looking at him straight in the eye, as it was true. My answer obviously threw him, but I pointed out to him that having been recently sexually assaulted in hospital, I really needed someone to talk to, outside of my immediate family. I was getting sod all support from anywhere else and it WAS very traumatic. It was a helpline. Maybe he's depressed too? It's quite plausible as many men can't face it to talking about depression. Has he had any odd, random doctor's appointments, recently?

Cou,d he be planning something for you for maybe a significant birthday or wedding anniversary? I'm just trying to think outside the box!🤔

Hubs and I have joked that we'd chop it off if we found the other having an affair, but that's actually impossible for me to have anything chopped off. I'd be tempted to say a friend of yours said that she'd do the above, which isn't quite true, but true enough for this. And then watch his face. I joke about doing a 'Bobbit job on hubs, if he strayed'!😵 In reality though, he knows that I'd take him to the cleaners and get every penny I could.

I hope this is resolved for you soon; it's the not knowing that's worst. Going to absolute extremes I'd even go as far as to employ a private detective. Better than catching a serious and untreatable STD, definitely. Thinking of you.

Foundwantingalways · 25/07/2017 07:05

Oh yes she knows we're together (we aren't married), we have mutual friends and we were even close colleagues once. He's told me that she's been threatening to tell me about their relationship so he had to continue texting her so she would back off Hmm but from the messages I saw yesterday he was definitely not an unwilling participant. He thinks I'm a fool.

OP posts:
chosenone · 25/07/2017 07:05

stay strongFlowers
you're doing amazingly well. Focus on you and DD. He has probably completely compartmentalised all this. You are the mother of his child and wife. OW is sexual excitement. Abhorrent, but very common.
You will get through this, you will ( when ready) meet someone who respects women. Get yourself all the support you can.

debbs77 · 25/07/2017 07:06

This is so awful. I'm so sorry. And he has put you (and a potential baby!!) At so much risk from a health perspective.

The pain is so physical isn't it! Take all the help and shoulders to cry on that are offered to you. And be kind to yourself xxx

BoobleMcB · 25/07/2017 07:06

@ippydippyskyblue i think you need to read the thread

ofudginghell · 25/07/2017 07:10

So sorry you had to find out this way op but you will look back from now and realise what a bloody good thing it was that you have found out now.

Stay angry with him and when the anger dies down abit keep a poker face.
You could have ended up marrying that.
You and your dd deserve much better x

dowhatyouwish · 25/07/2017 07:12

Well damn. She's horrible too then. They're both despicable. I think for now just focus on you and your child. When you have the energy I would meet him in a mutual place and get him to find the balls and be very honest about everything. I would also ask why he bothered agreeing to fertility treatment if he was cheating all along and also why he would put your health at risk like this? It beggars belief. As tempting as it is I wouldn't even contact the OW. She's clearly a nasty piece of work if she's doing anal with a man she knows has a partner.

unwantedwoman · 25/07/2017 07:12

Is the baby his?

Ginger782 · 25/07/2017 07:13

@ippydippyskyblue Hmm

Read before posting.

Foundwantingalways · 25/07/2017 07:14

He says the baby's not her baby? God only knows. I have no idea what to think. I guess the pictures were of her judging by his responses in his messages, he must have deleted them before responding to her as I didn't see any.

OP posts:
Foundwantingalways · 25/07/2017 07:21

I tried ringing her when he was trying to leave the house last night but she must have known something was up and rejected the call. I did then send a text saying that he is all hers, and she's welcome to him. I was very proud of myself for not letting rip! She hasnt responded. I'm guessing he stayed there last night, he's not got many other options. So they'll be a couple before the week is out, no doubt.

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 25/07/2017 07:23

Surely this isn't your last chance for another baby, it might seem that way now.
How are you feeling this morning?

StealthPolarBear · 25/07/2017 07:23

Yes they'll be a couple soon. And in a year or so one of them will be cheating on the other...

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