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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Mystery WhatsApp conversation

563 replies

Foundwantingalways · 24/07/2017 07:33

My DP has been acting very very secretive with his phone, I have no other reason to suspect him of anything but the fact that he has been really weird over it and won't even leave it charging in my presence got me wondering. I have his phone password, he doesn't know. I've just checked it quickly while he was in the shower and there's a short message on WhatsApp, clearly only the latest fragment of a conversation, with a number saved in the name ' new'. There's a picture of a baby in their profile pic. There's nothing overly awful about the conversation but he's signed off a few messages with a kiss... This is not like him. One of the messages says 'night x' and before that one says. 'I always want to see pics x'. Now this could be innocent but I don't know of anyone, family or friends, who he'd be willing to send messages with a kiss to? I didn't know how to screenshot but I have managed to scribble down the mobile number. I really want to call it, but I just don't know how to go about it. I was thinking of maybe giving a different name and saying I'm from the local water board and need to speak to xyz, and see if I can get a name that way? I'm shaking. I cannot believe he's having an affair, he's keen for another baby and we're undergoing fertility tests at the moment, I'm so hoping it's not that but why be so secretive, and why isn't there a name on the WhatsApp contact? Any thoughts on my next move? He's on Android and is tech savvy so I don't have a tracking app or anything.

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 01/08/2017 16:43

Found, she is in school right so hopefully after school clubs or child minder might work for you. The summer well maybe an au pair could work perhaps? Not sure what your financial situation is.

It's difficult to be thinking about all of this when you are so emotionally drained.

I'm a single mum, I know this all seems so hard right now but being organised really helps so nailing him down on contact arrangements might help even though I never pushed for this it might work for you and your career. (I have a live in for my daughter it's the only thing that works for me and what I do for a living)

Original poster
Foundwantingalways · 01/08/2017 16:50

Thank you all. Unfortunately we're not married husky (he wanted us to get married until my daughter was born and then went off the idea) Hmm so I'm not really entitled to anything of his from now on. I'm such a fool, I walked into this with my eyes firmly shut. He's been promoted twice since we've been been together and has recently gone for another promotion, I helped him with his application! I'll not see a penny of it. Payslips are online so I don't even fully know how much he's actually earning, with overtime and everything, but I know it must be well over double what I'm on.

OP posts:
Original poster
Foundwantingalways · 01/08/2017 16:51

He's just going to go back to the single life pretty much, with plenty of spare cash, while I'm scratching for pennies. I'm an idiot.

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 01/08/2017 16:55

I'm so sorry!

You have to have the conversation about maintenance with him. He'll need to disclose what he earns for you to calculate what he will pay you or tell him you'll go through the CMS.

You do need to get practical now, even though it's really hard with everything you have going on it will make you feel more in control x

Bathsheba1878 · 01/08/2017 16:57

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. I had a near-identical experience 7 years ago, when my partner of 25 years had an affair with someone he worked with. Despite all the evidence he still insisted I was mentally ill to even think he could betray me and we went through suicide threats, blind rage etc before he finally moved out and went immediately to live with the OW. Life has moved on, and I have a new partner now, however the agony of that betrayal is something you can never forget. The advice that everyone is giving about getting evidence of his income etc is spot on - I didn't do that and it is one of my biggest regrets as my ex lied about that too when the case came to Court (despite saying he would always do that right thing by me and DS). Please try to look after yourself in terms of eating and resting because you need your wits about you. It is so hard to try to amass evidence and act in a sensible logical manner when your world is falling to pieces. If you have a friend or relative who can help you with the practical issues then don't be afraid to reach out and take any support that is offered to you. If/when you appoint a solicitor try to find someone that you feel comfortable with - having a good solicitor made such a difference in my case. She was a really warm empathetic woman ( as well as knowing her stuff) and we are still in touch all these years later. You will get through this and your life ( and that of your child) will be so much better without this toxic man.

Roundandroundtheapartment · 01/08/2017 17:16

Nothing to add but Flowers I don't know how you are doing this but you are amazingly strong!

SweetLuck · 01/08/2017 17:29

Surely it would be in your DDs best interests to see plenty of her father, and his family?

TheLegendOfBeans · 01/08/2017 17:32

At what point has the OP said anything to the contrary sweetluck?

hellsbellsmelons · 01/08/2017 17:33

You are not an idiot.
None of us plan for this to happen.
We are sure we have chosen well and we have chosen a good honest, decent partner.
You don't expect to get screwed over - not the 1st time it happens anyway.
You'll know for next time though.

NannyOggsKnickers · 01/08/2017 17:38

I agree that it in your DDs best interest to change her routine as little as possible. That means trying to keep contact with grand parents the same. How often does she see them at the moment. Go into this calm and firm but with the line that you want what is in your daughter's best interests.
Be a brick wall of rationality and calm. Try not to get emotional in negotiation (difficult I know).
I'm not sure 50/50 splits are that common anymore because they can be damaging for children. My MIL and FIL divorced when DH was seven and because of the time period and the situation FIL got every weekend. In looking back they both seem to realise it was a mistake.
Once he realises that you are serious about splitting then he'll be more combatative. Get all your ducks in a row quickly.

Graphista · 01/08/2017 17:41

"Don't for a moment think "oh, he'd never do that". If you do leave him for good, he will change overnight."

This is spot on. My ex emptied the joint account days after I kicked him out and I've heard lots of similar and worse horror stories.

You're not an idiot cheaters are v good at deceiving.

Re his pay you work for same company? Maybe time to pull in some favours Wink

NannyOggsKnickers · 01/08/2017 17:49

Does he have any bank statements laying around the house? That could be a good place to start for income. You might also find that there are letters with confirmation of pay scale from the promotions. I get a letter every year about my pay scale after performance review, despite my payslips being online.

hellsbellsmelons · 01/08/2017 18:11

"Don't for a moment think "oh, he'd never do that". If you do leave him for good, he will change overnight."
Another one say - hell yeah!
Mine buggered off.
Paid a bit for a few months then just rang and told me he'd run out of money and I wouldn't be getting anymore.
Just like that.
Didn't have any money for his DD for 5 years!
It worked in my favour in the end but it was a struggle for a lot of years.
The guilt soon wears off.
New woman starts putting ideas in his head about how he's over paying etc..... It's awful.
Protect yourself as much as you can now.

Graphista · 01/08/2017 23:50

I was lucky 'my' OW was as far as dd concerned a decent person. But again heard plenty of horror stories too

SweetLuck · 02/08/2017 00:10

TheLegendOfBeans She hasn't said anything explicitly, but the knee jerk reaction of wanting to change the child's name feels more like lashing out, rather than a genuine concern for some potential future holiday situation. A scenario I think the OP is contouring up as a way of justifying something that will be very hurtful to the ex. It is of course completely understandable that she would want to hurt him.

And the way the OP only has negatives to say about her PIL wanting access. If they love their grandkids they're probably terrified they will loose them over this. It is understandable if they are panicking.

It is a very highly charged situaltion all round and some times it is difficult to really know what impulses are driving your actions.

nigelsbigface · 02/08/2017 13:56

Just checking in to see how you are op as Ive been away for a few days...hope you are ok.

Original poster
Foundwantingalways · 02/08/2017 16:07

Thanks Nigel I'm just keeping going, that's all I can do at the moment. Arranged to meet exP one evening next week as we need to talk about the house, he wanted to go for dinner! Erm, no, it's not a date. I want to be in and out in 30 minutes, that's probably as long as I can manage to be near him. Have a solicitor's appt booked for next week. sweet I do get what you are saying, the surname thing probably was just a knee jerk reaction and I haven't pursued it further. I won't ever stop gps from seeing my dd, but I won't be splitting access three ways, which is how they'd like me to play it. He can take them to see her in his time with her, my time with her will be for me and my family.

OP posts:
Bedraggledmumoftwo · 02/08/2017 16:34

Arranged to meet exP one evening next week as we need to talk about the house, he wanted to go for dinner! Erm, no, it's not a date.

Mine is exactly the same and keeps suggesting dates etc. Erm, no, just because you have had two weeks to think about the pain of getting found out and would like me to get over it now does not mean I have magically forgotten all the months of deceit and betrayal and want to go on a date!

It sounds like what's app is the tool of choice for cheaters these days. Who knew?!

Original poster
Foundwantingalways · 02/08/2017 16:37

My thoughts exactly bedraggled! Sorry you are going through similar, I saw your thread Flowers

OP posts:
Bathsheba1878 · 02/08/2017 20:25

Very best of luck with the meeting. It is important that your DD sees her father but make sure that whatever is arranged is in her best interests. Another huge mistake that I made in the handling of my relationship break up was assuming that just because my ex had been a crap partner he would still behave with decency and kindness to our DS. Unfortunately just as he had lied to me and tried to manipulate things to his own agenda he did exactly the same to our DS ( aged 7 at the time of the break up). He tried to coerce DS to live with him and OW by telling him that I couldn't cope as a parent because I was mentally unstable, alcoholic, had no money etc. ( None of these thing were true but he did leave me in dire financial circumstances as he had been the main earner and he simply stopped paying mortgage etc whilst at the same time refusing to cooperate with house sale). He became emotionally abusive towards DS and to cut a long story short CAFCASS got involved and contact was suspended indefinitely as they were so concerned about the impact on DS's mental health. My DS has not seen his father for 2 years, which is sad, but he has blossomed into a far happier more confident child since then. I think this was an extreme case and I am not suggesting for a minute that your DD's father will behave in a similar way but just be vigilant about what goes on when she's with him.

Alfiemoon1 · 02/08/2017 22:59

Good luck with the meeting u are being so strong op

mathanxiety · 03/08/2017 05:25

Bathsheba is right - he has shown you who he is.

nigelsbigface · 03/08/2017 06:30

What Bathsheba said... I too have made the mistake of thinking my stbexh would behave decently towards the kids-and would surely not manipulate and lie to them the way he has to me...it's gradually becoming clear that that unfortunately isn't the case... it's low level in my case but the damage is being done, as shown by how my poor dd's are reacting. Keep an eye on it op, going forwards.

Best of luck for your meeting...

HerRoyalFattyness · 03/08/2017 07:55

I second everything that has been said about him being a manipulative twat with your dd.
I was the child in that situation, and my dad said some awful things about my mum, yet at the same time was disinterested in us. It messed with our heads.
Definitely worth keeping an eye on IMO.

I hope the meeting goes well.

namechangedforthisreply · 03/08/2017 09:23

Good luck OP and stay strong CakeBrewFlowersStar

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