Mystery WhatsApp conversation

[Foundwantingalways]

My DP has been acting very very secretive with his phone, I have no other reason to suspect him of anything but the fact that he has been really weird over it and won't even leave it charging in my presence got me wondering. I have his phone password, he doesn't know. I've just checked it quickly while he was in the shower and there's a short message on WhatsApp, clearly only the latest fragment of a conversation, with a number saved in the name ' new'. There's a picture of a baby in their profile pic. There's nothing overly awful about the conversation but he's signed off a few messages with a kiss... This is not like him. One of the messages says 'night x' and before that one says. 'I always want to see pics x'. Now this could be innocent but I don't know of anyone, family or friends, who he'd be willing to send messages with a kiss to? I didn't know how to screenshot but I have managed to scribble down the mobile number. I really want to call it, but I just don't know how to go about it. I was thinking of maybe giving a different name and saying I'm from the local water board and need to speak to xyz, and see if I can get a name that way? I'm shaking. I cannot believe he's having an affair, he's keen for another baby and we're undergoing fertility tests at the moment, I'm so hoping it's not that but why be so secretive, and why isn't there a name on the WhatsApp contact? Any thoughts on my next move? He's on Android and is tech savvy so I don't have a tracking app or anything.

Kudos from me too OP. What a horrible time you are having, but things will upturn again for sure.

Stay strong and keep your head up high and your dignity at all times. You are better than him x

I really feel for you. I have had it happen to me too - with the mother of my godson. Well done for handling it with such dignity. Don't blame yourself for missing him and wanting to call, just remember that the him you are missing doesn't really exist. It is perfectly ok for you to grieve for the relationship and future you thought you had. One day you will be over it and in a good place again. I hope you meet someone worthy of you someday. Your DD is very lucky to have you.

Found, sorry to have missed your question, I have heard that putting the tablet thru the dish washer makes it shiny.......
he could buy a charger for a few quid, so I guess I'd put that in the wash at the same time........ Tosser

How are you doing today? Been thinking of you

Thanks questioning I'm not great today, I went to see the dr and they signed me off work for this week. I was getting so het up about work over the last few days, it's a relief not to have to worry about tomorrow. Other than that it's becoming clear that exP thinks that this will all blow over soon. He's promised to unlock his phone and delete WhatsApp, and won't go out in the city where we work without me. So basically he's putting the onus on me to police him for the rest of our lives. Fuck that shit. I'm trying not to get ridiculously angry with him because it's not helping me.

Eurgh he really doesn't take anything from this does he?

Say you accepted that and took him back. He'd bitch and whine to whoever listens that you're a controlling cow and to blame for his actions. He's not sorry for what he's done to you, he's just sorry for himself that he got caught!
I'm steaming mad for you!!!

Well done for getting the week off. You've enough to deal with, a bit of breathing space might do you the power of good xx

You're so strong and doing so well!

I came back when my ex asked me to, though I took 4 months to decide. I figured I owed it to our children to try.

And you know what? He still continued his affair. Just changed how he went about it.

The only bonus is that i was now back in the house and HE moved out. Whereas I had moved out with the kids previously.

They don't change!!!!

Keep being strong found. Policing your dh is no way to live. Use this week to recharge your batteries u have been through so much recently

Sorry to hear he has been using porn too. It can be really shocking to see what someone you thought you knew has been getting up to - you feel you have been living with a stranger.

Stay strong - very glad you got signed off work.

Try to get out for a walk daily even in poor weather. It's nice to feel the air in your face and your feet on the earth.

Such a relief not to be having to face him at work today. Thanks everyone for your support, if it's OK I'm going to continue posting, I'm finding this thread is keeping me strong

Definitely keep posting.
I wish I'd discovered MN before I split with ExH.
Try to keep eating and drinking to keep your strength up.
This will take time!
A lot of time to get over.
So many of us been there.
Keep leaning on your friends and family, they want to help you.
But don't expect miracles.
Take your time.
Rest when you need to.
for you and sugary got me through.

I had to ring up today to cancel my hycosy, and when the nurse asked if there was a reason why, I started crying. I can't seem to hold it together when talking to strangers! I'm being strong with my daughter and my family but if a random stranger asks if I'm OK I seem to have to emotionally vomit all over them the nurse was lovely about it though. Dd has gone off with my parents for a couple of hours so I'm having a clear out of old clothes. Baby steps.

Found, sorry your feeling so fearsome, it is inevitable, he has built up to this over 15 months, you had it dumped on your lap like a massive parcel of deception & broken dreams.
The trouble is the length of time involved, all those months of secrets, treachery, if he was allowed back he would at some point be tempted again, he is morally corrupt, & I don't think he has really even tried to apologise, grovel ....
just, I want my iPad & charger, I want to talk to DD.......;
me me me. yes there are times you will want to rewind & just for everything to go back to normal.
The truth is, once it's broken, it's broken.

"tearsome" dammit

He's going to take her out for tea tomorrow eve, which I've agreed to, he wanted her at the weekend again too but I've said we have plans. I knew this would be the case, he'll try to get access every weekend, his parents will too. I don't feel strong enough to fight them, I think we should probably go to mediation sooner rather than later and get things in writing. I was hoping to let things lie for a while whilst we stay in the house but I'm not sure it's worth the emotional cost of me having to fend him and his family off. I'd be rather sell up and find somewhere else to live.

You have a right to have quality time with her too. Any time his extended family want comes out of the time he has her, not in addition. You need to try and set up a routine asap for contact and try not to let her go on too long ad hoc as no one knows where they are then. For now staying in family home is settling for DD. How is she coping? But I would agree to considering selling. Whilst it's both your houses he has a legal right to come in. I felt much better when I moved and I think it helped my DDs too as they don't associate new house with their dad. It's our house.

A pp further up thread suggested that usual basic contact is one night during the week and every other weekend, is that a good place to start? I don't want him to have her 50/50, certainly not at the moment. Really I have been her main carer for her whole life, he works long days and often stays out at the weekend, and sometimes works overtime at weekends whereas I'm part time, will be off in the holidays come September (I had just reduced my hours before this happened) and have always sorted nursery, medical stuff, bank stuff, pretty much everything. He's a good dad but she's used to me being there for her, it would be a huge upheaval for her if I suddenly wasn't with her half the time. Would a mediator agree with me or do you think they'd suggest 50/50? I don't want to give him any more than I have to, he's ruined our lives and didn't think twice about betraying his daughter.

I think what I am saying there is that I absolutely see that he needs to see her, and her him, but not at my emotional expense (or hers), if that makes sense?

I Can't see a mediator giving 50/50, historically he has never put in 50% the overtime at w/e was his personal decision to lie in order to see the OW.. we can see where his preferences lie, & it wasn't with DD

I don't know how mediation works as I was lucky that we didn't have to do that, we agreed between us. My understanding is that 50/50 is often a starting point. But your abilities to have your DD work etc will be a factor. Will you be able to stay p/t now money wise? I would suggest DD not being made to stay over night until she is ready to. We did that as eldest couldn't cope.

.

Every other weekend is fair and a night in the week if that works. But don't pursue him over it, it's not your responsibility.

You have a right to have weekends with her.

God yeah I'll probably have to go back more hours, but we have a reasonably lengthy commute, I'd probably not be able to do 9-5 five days a week as I'd be out of the house 7. 30-7 realistically. And holiday childcare will be difficult too... It's all just a terrible mess.

Sorry you are going through this.

On the financial side, please be aware that you are entitled to half his pension (in cash). He is entitled to half yours too. So, basically you add the 2 together, then divide in 2 and he (assuming he has more in his pot), pays you in cash to even things up. Do not over look this, it could mean ££££ extra for you when you divide assets.

If your career took a back seat, when children came along, you are also due extra ££££ to recompense you for that.

You need a SHL to draw up a separation agreement (in time).

Photocopy his wage slips, in case he lies to CMS about his income.

Don't for a moment think "oh, he'd never do that". If you do leave him for good, he will change overnight. I know my ExH did. He behaved appallingly and did things I'd never have dreamed that he was capable of.