Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Mystery WhatsApp conversation

563 replies

Foundwantingalways · 24/07/2017 07:33

My DP has been acting very very secretive with his phone, I have no other reason to suspect him of anything but the fact that he has been really weird over it and won't even leave it charging in my presence got me wondering. I have his phone password, he doesn't know. I've just checked it quickly while he was in the shower and there's a short message on WhatsApp, clearly only the latest fragment of a conversation, with a number saved in the name ' new'. There's a picture of a baby in their profile pic. There's nothing overly awful about the conversation but he's signed off a few messages with a kiss... This is not like him. One of the messages says 'night x' and before that one says. 'I always want to see pics x'. Now this could be innocent but I don't know of anyone, family or friends, who he'd be willing to send messages with a kiss to? I didn't know how to screenshot but I have managed to scribble down the mobile number. I really want to call it, but I just don't know how to go about it. I was thinking of maybe giving a different name and saying I'm from the local water board and need to speak to xyz, and see if I can get a name that way? I'm shaking. I cannot believe he's having an affair, he's keen for another baby and we're undergoing fertility tests at the moment, I'm so hoping it's not that but why be so secretive, and why isn't there a name on the WhatsApp contact? Any thoughts on my next move? He's on Android and is tech savvy so I don't have a tracking app or anything.

OP posts:
Minime85 · 28/07/2017 18:05

What a twat.

amusedbush · 28/07/2017 18:35

Arsehole. Utter arsehole.

Graphista · 28/07/2017 19:01

Honestly (and I'll probably get flamed for this) but my ex was same. All he was interested in was going out clubbing with OW and her mates (he's 13 years older). We lived 5 min walk away when we first split and he'd turn up hours late for contact planning to drive out daughter hungover or even still drunk. I'd refuse.

In hindsight I wish I hadn't worked as hard as I did to keep him in her life. She was only 2 when we split and if I'd just let him phase out of her life it would have been much easier on her than the situation I'm dealing with now (he's not seen her almost 7 years cos he won't pull his finger out to organise. Doesn't call or text, has blocked her on social media, doesn't pay maintenance, only a card for her birthday).

Think seriously if you'd just be better off without. Friends of mine have done this (left it up to ex to make effort not chased them) and it does sort out those who are genuinely interested in their kids and those the kids are better off without.

madja · 28/07/2017 19:02

I've just rtft and cannot believe what this guy has done to you. You know, as I get older and read and hear of more and more affairs and stories about cheating men, I have to wonder why we even bother with them.
Flowers for you xx

SweetheartTreacleTart · 28/07/2017 19:30

OMG how could he go out drinking at a time like this. The lack of care and respect for you and your whole family unit is beyond me.

hatsoncats · 28/07/2017 19:46

Start keeping a diary of his behaviour. His demands re contact, what financial support he gives, etc.
It is a bit soon to be asking for phone calls, visits, access etc, and then turning your offer down to go drinking with his mates. A diary will be handy in the future if he ever tries to say you have denied access. A list of dates, times and excuses could prove very useful.

jeaux90 · 28/07/2017 20:06

Read what graphista said again.

It's a really good option. Don't stress about the contact let him work it out.

I'm in the same position. He hasn't seen my dd8 since she was 3 years old and life is good and uncomplicated.

It's been up to him and he hasn't bothered. She has a great relationship with his parents and sister but zip with him.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 28/07/2017 20:13

Do you think his family are concerned about access because they know he won't be?

Original poster
Foundwantingalways · 28/07/2017 20:53

That hadn't occurred to me... It's possible he'll lose interest if he meets someone else or enjoys the single life too much, it definitely may be the case that his family expect that to happen. Seriously this thread has helped me to make sense of so much of the shit that has come my way over the past few days, and given me so much support.
I'm stupidly bothered that he'll be meeting up with OW tonight, am trying not to think about it or get upset. Really she's welcome to him, I need to remember that.

OP posts:
Desmondo2016 · 28/07/2017 21:02

It's completely normal that you feel like that. Finding out after the event is one thing (and hideous) but to be sat wondering if it's going on at that very moment, and then having to act normal is another entirely.

jeaux90 · 28/07/2017 21:07

Don't get focussed on the OW. He has probably lied to her too.

Honestly if he falls off your dd's radar it makes it incredibly uncomplicated for when you want to move on too. (I know you are not even thinking that way now but trust me, you will)

I know it's really early days, you are sad and angry. Don't force the contact issue, it will just upset you more and it's a fight you don't need to have.

Having been through all this too I will say the obvious. Be kind to yourself, be with people that care about and love you. X

Picoloangel · 28/07/2017 21:34

Honestly once a cheater. He will cheat on her too. He's done you a massive favour and cleared the way for a happier life. He will kick himself in years to come. Absolute idiot of a bellend loser.

If you want to think about the OW at all, think of all the years of worry she has ahead wondering what he's up to. Raise a glass to her she's taken him off your hands. 🌺😊

Skylark678 · 28/07/2017 22:13

Stay strong for Sunday OP. Thinking of you

Graphista · 28/07/2017 22:22

My ex also not faithful to ow now she's the wife - must be a miserable existence

ConcreteUnderpants · 28/07/2017 23:58

Hi.
Unfortunately I've been in a similar situation to you (but think the delights of Adultwork and pregnant/with a newborn).
The idiotic man mishandling of things happened with me too. It just served to remind me what a cunt he was and how he never really fought for what he'd lost. Add it to your list of mantras!

Whilst you are handling this remarkably well at the moment, I suspect that is fuelled by anger and surrealism. Prepare yourself for the come-down. I had to keep myself angry for months (not sure how healthy that was!), but it prevented me from falling for his sweet talk and wanting to just go back to how it all was before my horrible nightmare began.

You have this wonderful forum (which really helped me not crumble) - use it. Also get a really good friend who hates him more than you do right now, ready to text you appropriate phrases when you are feeling weak. Mine often sent me "Remember when he xxxx", "he did xxxx when you were having your scan" messages. Invaluable!

Keep strong. When reality kicks in and you realise the bottom has fallen from your world, I promise things will get better. We all do.

Mix56 · 29/07/2017 13:01

Found, if he turns out to be as flaky as it looks already, I would keep his mum in the loop, also it might be useful to have Granny around sometimes to babysit, or help out if you are ill, can't get to school etc.
Assuming your relationship has been reasonable with her before, I would keep that option open.
Please keep that diary, if things get nasty it will be proof that you have been reasonable with contact.

Original poster
Foundwantingalways · 29/07/2017 16:51

Thanks all. Dreading tomorrow! I'm going to keep my cards close to my chest and just try to shut down any conversation about the future until I'm ready. Tomorrow is just for dd to see exP, he doesn't need to know more yet. He's still saying he will do anything to make it right between us... I hope he has the hangover from hell today.

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 29/07/2017 17:01

a 15 month relationship/affair that ended only when you discovered it... and he admits would not have ended otherwise... is not worth your love Sweetheart...

you and your DD deserve so much better than this Flowers

hatsoncats · 29/07/2017 17:10

Look amazing, hand your DD over, shut the door in his face.

Don't even give him the chance to start bleating another pack of lies right to your face. You decide when you're ready to talk. Not him.
And tell his family they see DD on his time. Not yours.

Mix56 · 29/07/2017 20:34

15 months & now he wants to "put it right", is frankly pitiful.
Did he imagine he could stick his dick in her forever & no one ever find out ? & thought that's OK ?
& where is he living now? with her? you have to assume, so he is staying with her until he puts it right with you ? & she is fine with that I imagine..
It's a lost cause, the only thing he can put right is accept he is responsible for his DC, & act accordingly

Original poster
Foundwantingalways · 29/07/2017 21:25

Exactly mix, 15 months and not even a hint of a conscience, he must have thought he was king of the world. Comforting me when I've been crying about not being able to have another baby, how could he have even looked me in the eyes? And now he thinks that if he pays the mortgage for a couple of months I'll rush back into his arms. Fucking delusional. I have stayed strong today, have had minimum contact and haven't once thought about phoning him or pining for him. I find thinking of him sticking his dick in the OW and then coming home to his unsuspecting partner and daughter helps me to stay away from the dialpad.

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 29/07/2017 21:51

well done OP x

Original poster
Foundwantingalways · 29/07/2017 22:38

And have just realised that he must have actually been messaging her on the Sunday night just after having sex with me... Am raging at the sheer fucking injustice of not being able to do anything to make him realise just what a unfeeling shit he is. I am still not going to contact him though.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 29/07/2017 22:52

If you have anything to distract you or give you a positive feeling, do it - Netflix, rearranging a kitchen cupboard, going through your old clothes and making a 'donate' pile, reading a book you haven't had time for, baking something nice for DD and yourself, even a good soak in the bath with candles and nice smelly stuff...

debbs77 · 29/07/2017 23:10

Hey OP. It's hard isn't it, the realisation as you go along of times you know he was bring an arse.

I still remember, about a year ago, waking up from having a dream. The content of the dream made the penny drop for me that his affair hadn't been his first affair. This was six years on! I've been engaged and had two more children since then!

Swipe left for the next trending thread