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Original poster

Mystery WhatsApp conversation

563 replies

Foundwantingalways · 24/07/2017 07:33

My DP has been acting very very secretive with his phone, I have no other reason to suspect him of anything but the fact that he has been really weird over it and won't even leave it charging in my presence got me wondering. I have his phone password, he doesn't know. I've just checked it quickly while he was in the shower and there's a short message on WhatsApp, clearly only the latest fragment of a conversation, with a number saved in the name ' new'. There's a picture of a baby in their profile pic. There's nothing overly awful about the conversation but he's signed off a few messages with a kiss... This is not like him. One of the messages says 'night x' and before that one says. 'I always want to see pics x'. Now this could be innocent but I don't know of anyone, family or friends, who he'd be willing to send messages with a kiss to? I didn't know how to screenshot but I have managed to scribble down the mobile number. I really want to call it, but I just don't know how to go about it. I was thinking of maybe giving a different name and saying I'm from the local water board and need to speak to xyz, and see if I can get a name that way? I'm shaking. I cannot believe he's having an affair, he's keen for another baby and we're undergoing fertility tests at the moment, I'm so hoping it's not that but why be so secretive, and why isn't there a name on the WhatsApp contact? Any thoughts on my next move? He's on Android and is tech savvy so I don't have a tracking app or anything.

OP posts:
Peanutbutterrules · 27/07/2017 10:31

You need time to process all this - don't agree to anything other then one week at a time. He's had months. The last thing his family should be doing is pressuring you right now. He won't get every weekend if you don't want that so don't spend a second worrying about it.

See a solicitor asap to start the financials.

Mix56 · 27/07/2017 10:47

hmmm, yes you are feeling beaten, in every sens of the word.
But you need to find your Mama bear instinct when it comes to DD.
Firstly, you should arrange for him to come & tell his daughter himself, that "he has decided he doesn't love Mummy any more & is going to live somewhere else."
Let him take responsibility for the pain.
Then he can take his daughter for the day, & try to reassure her he still will see her etc.
Don't let him bully you, You know the expression, "he made his bed & fucking well lying in it"
You keep your remixes MINIMAL, preferably less than 4 words.
Doesn't work for me
I will consider it
I will ask SHL
Fuck off to your slut

Mix56 · 27/07/2017 10:48

"replies" . soz

Original poster
Foundwantingalways · 27/07/2017 14:15

I've managed to speak to a solicitor today, just a half hour call, and he's explained some of my rights regarding the house and the access. He was very much pushing the softly softly approach, so don't declare war, don't start straight away with threatening courts, perhaps try mediation first. He did say several times that I may change the my mind over the next few weeks and months and want to give it another shot. Not on your nelly, mate. Exp has texted this morning asking if I need cash. I don't, if he holds up his promise for now to pay the bills as usual, but as the guilt will wear off pretty soon should I be trying to get what I reasonably can off him to squirrel away for when he shacks up with his tramp?

OP posts:
Original poster
Foundwantingalways · 27/07/2017 14:17

And here is a text just now asking to speak to dd on the phone tonight. It's been less than three days, I know it's not much for him to ask but I'm wasn't asking for much to expect him to keep his cock out of dirty whores.

OP posts:
TheLegendOfBeans · 27/07/2017 14:25

Do shop around for solicitors by the way; some give first consultation free and it could (literally) pay to not just plump for the first.

Original poster
Foundwantingalways · 27/07/2017 14:28

Ah OK, perhaps I'll try elsewhere, just to get a range of opinions.

OP posts:
sourgrapes28 · 27/07/2017 15:04

He can speak to dd when he has her on Sunday. I'd also ask him to stop contacting you sporadically and start you're healing process.

mickyblueyes · 27/07/2017 15:23

Theres a technique called "Grey Rock". Basically it translates into you not giving him any form of emotional response, don't react to any form of provocation from him eg pity, rage. If he plays the sad sausage routine (Pity) ignore him, don't reply, walk away etc.. The same if he flies into a raging anger...Ignore, Ignore, Ignore.

If you need to contact him keep it polite and business like..eg "You can talk to DD on Sunday as agreed" Keep firm boundaries, if thats what you believe that he has to wait till Sunday, stick to it and don't give in. Give him an inch he'll take a mile...next he'll be asking to change the day for access, can he come and see her tonight etc...

The legendofbeans makes an excellent point. Shop around for a solicitor, the best advice i got was to go for the one you would least like to have an argument with. My solicitor is firm and to the point, no messing around, she tells me to stop waffling...time is money.

Have a look at chumplady.com, excellent website...sign up to the forum and share your story and get excellent advice (It's mostly americans) But they will get your story and offer great help and advice.

Angelf1sh · 27/07/2017 15:38

I would not turn down money on the basis that you don't want him to use your "I don't need your help" words against you later, but any acceptance should be caveated with an "I accept this without confirming that this is all your are due to pay each week and without prejudice to any future position that I may take in relation to payments and sums. Payment does not in and of itself entitle you to access to dd, nor does it entitle you to fix times and frequency of access to your own convenience." or something similar! He's going to want to see her, but paying maintenance doesn't mean he owns either of you.

Gemini69 · 27/07/2017 15:53

excellent advice mickyblueys very balanced too ...

OP you take every day as it comes... you'll have good days bad days ugly days.. you have your beautiful daughter and she has you .. will be okay ... and you will survive this..

this a great support network ... day and night someone is always here Flowers

Mix56 · 27/07/2017 16:01

So what is he planning on telling DD ?
I fervently think he should sit down with you & tell her he has left asap; putting it off will only cause confusion & ultimately prolongue the pain

nigelsbigface · 27/07/2017 16:57

Yes, sounds mercenary but I would take what ever he will give you at the minute cash wise...unfortunately solicitors don't come cheap...

I also wouldn't let him tell dd without you there-and try and agree what you are going to say beforehand if you can.Its the worst part op-I remember feeling quite sick about having to tell our kids Sad But as a word of comfort kids do adapt quickly-its a cliche because it's true. My two were upset for a day outwardly. Dd1's has since been fine, dd2 a bit more wobbly but is coming through ok now...as long as they know where everyone is, when they are seeing everyone, what will happen short term to them, they seem to be ok.

JustDontGetItAtAll · 27/07/2017 17:36

Mix56 I think telling a child "I/Daddy don't/doesn't love Mummy anymore" is a potentially distressing and possibly damaging thing to say to a child!!!! They would be very upset at being told that. Love means something different to children than it does to us adults...

OP please don't say or let this be said to your child x

mathanxiety · 27/07/2017 19:08

Tell him no to speaking tonight to DD until you and he have decided what you are going to tell her about what has happened. Then you should tell her together. exP must not talk to her privately on this subject.

Best option is to make sure she understands this is solely between mum and dad, that you both love her dearly, always have and always will, and nothing she has said or done has caused this. Assure her that grandparents and relatives are still all there and love her too and that she will see them. Assurance about short term arrangements is a good thing too.

As to the question of 'Why?' if she asks - best at this point to say it is a decision you have made together because you feel it is for the best for the pair of you to part. 'Sometimes mummies and daddies decide it's for the best if they live apart from now on but they still love their children and continue to take care of them and be their daddy and mummy'
Don't say anything on this topic if she doesn't ask.

You are well within your rights to request that DD is not introduced to the OW until about a year after the visitation schedule gets established so that DD understands that she has special daddy and me time where daddy's attention is focused on her alone. Your exP owes DD this. She does not owe him the favour of allowing him time with all his favourite people at the same time. He needs to carve out time for himself and OW separately if they are still going to be an item. The OW can be introduced gradually (if indeed she is still in the picture) after DD feels secure in the relationship with daddy despite the changed living arrangements.

Original poster
Foundwantingalways · 27/07/2017 19:55

Thank you math that's really helpful, I'll take your advice and tell exP that we maybe need to sit down with her some time other than Sunday when aunty and cousin are there. She needs to see us together.

Today has been my worst yet, I've been working from home and so lonely. My dds last day at nursery too, and I'm so sad she's growing up so fast, I'll never have to go there any more, no new baby. My DF came over to look after my dd so I could go for a run, I broke down in tears halfway through and had to come home. I just want to ring my exP just to talk to him, hear his voice, I wish so much he hadn't done this to me Sad sorry for the self pity here, I just feel awful today x

OP posts:
ofudginghell · 27/07/2017 20:03

You will have highs and lows at all times of the day and night.
You will have days where you feel lonely and days where your full of energy and almost hysterical!!
It's going through the motions and anger and hurt but it will settle down.

Just be kind to yourself.
Don't think of things you feel you have missed out on as a family but think of the things you and your dd can do and memories you can create together xx

Mix56 · 27/07/2017 21:20

Sorry, I do not profess to have the perfect words, if they exist,
just, he needs to tell DD he isn't going to live there any more. His responsibility. not OP's

Graphista · 27/07/2017 21:37

It's a grief response. You go through the same stages. You've lost a life partner and the future you imagined you'd have AND have to still deal with him.

Get support both irl and online. It will get easier.

Alfiemoon1 · 27/07/2017 21:41

U will have bad days hun it's still such a shock. Just take it a day at a time and be kind to yourself u are doing amazingly well x

AtSea1979 · 27/07/2017 23:05

OP I've just caught up with the thread. It sounds like you are doing amazingly well.
With regards to the legal side. The house/money etc is one aspect. But DD is another. Try to keep solicitors and the legal side away from how you both parent DD. Trust me, the last thing you need right now is some stranger deciding what's best for your child.

nigelsbigface · 28/07/2017 08:30

It's horrible this first bit-when you are so up and down.not easy when you don't know how you are going to feel one day to the next...hang in there op-these are the hard yards-it gets better I promise.

Minime85 · 28/07/2017 12:00

Sounds like you are doing really well. I would agree about telling DD face to face together. Book mum and dad glue was a good thing for my DD who was 6 at the time. I don't agree about him not being able to call DD tonight though. I think the DCs should be able to access the other parent whenever they want to. In time they won't bother so much in between visits to dad's. But she shouldn't be punished for what he has done by not being allowed to speak to him. But I think it should be if it's what she wants NOT what he wants. You have to do mediation before courts anyway. I would suggest sitting down maybe in a few weeks time to sort out finances ideally on your own. Re solicitors take recommendations for anyone you know.

Original poster
Foundwantingalways · 28/07/2017 17:51

The phone call with dd won't be happening tonight, he has informed me that he won't be in, he's off out drinking with his mates (so he says). Seriously, if I had done this, I would be doing everything in my power to make things better and see or speak to my daughter, not head out drinking to the same places with the same mates as when he started hooking up with his dirty tramp. Fuck him Angry

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 28/07/2017 18:02

Selfish and cruel man through and through.

Flowers and (((((()))))) to you.

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