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Original poster

Mystery WhatsApp conversation

563 replies

Foundwantingalways · 24/07/2017 07:33

My DP has been acting very very secretive with his phone, I have no other reason to suspect him of anything but the fact that he has been really weird over it and won't even leave it charging in my presence got me wondering. I have his phone password, he doesn't know. I've just checked it quickly while he was in the shower and there's a short message on WhatsApp, clearly only the latest fragment of a conversation, with a number saved in the name ' new'. There's a picture of a baby in their profile pic. There's nothing overly awful about the conversation but he's signed off a few messages with a kiss... This is not like him. One of the messages says 'night x' and before that one says. 'I always want to see pics x'. Now this could be innocent but I don't know of anyone, family or friends, who he'd be willing to send messages with a kiss to? I didn't know how to screenshot but I have managed to scribble down the mobile number. I really want to call it, but I just don't know how to go about it. I was thinking of maybe giving a different name and saying I'm from the local water board and need to speak to xyz, and see if I can get a name that way? I'm shaking. I cannot believe he's having an affair, he's keen for another baby and we're undergoing fertility tests at the moment, I'm so hoping it's not that but why be so secretive, and why isn't there a name on the WhatsApp contact? Any thoughts on my next move? He's on Android and is tech savvy so I don't have a tracking app or anything.

OP posts:
tattychicken · 26/07/2017 21:06

Is that a lollipop?!

Original poster
Foundwantingalways · 26/07/2017 21:06

I think he'll try to have her every weekend, can he even do that? I don't want to be the mum who has to do the school runs, tea, bath time and early bed while he's always the fun dad each weekend. I'll never see her properly or have a chance to have fun with her Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Foundwantingalways · 26/07/2017 21:07

I have no idea what it is tatty! I can't even remember what the word was supposed to be!

OP posts:
MartinaMartini · 26/07/2017 21:15

Take proper advice OP. Don't hand DD over too readily just to avoid being "one of those mums". Judge by how your DD is and what is best for her. Fuck his wants and needs...hes good at satisfying those himself so. Maybe start with just days out and then build up to move over time as your DD adjusts to separate time with each of you.

Do not be pressured by his family.

tattychicken · 26/07/2017 21:17

I think every other weekend and one night during the week is quite common. You certainly don't have to agree to every weekend, that would be very unfair. When you've caught your breath maybe you could make an appointment with a solicitor?
I'm so sorry this has happened Found, you must be reeling.

TheLegendOfBeans · 26/07/2017 21:19
  1. The icon is a pin; the type that you put in a pin board
  2. You are doing very well and I think there's great merit in acting fast and quick - he has basically admitted he'd have carried on as infunitim leaving you in what must be no doubt that he has zero respect for you, your daughter or your family unit.
You are going to be hit with wave after wave of shock and upset and as long as you follow sensible legal advice and don't act out of anger (when it comes to paperwork etc) then as a PP said you'll likely maximise your chances of a "successful" conclusion.

If this moves so fast you may end up not being able to grieve the relationship until the divorce process is over. Get therapy. It will allow you to try and untangle the melted spaghetti of your brain so that you can move on your life successfully, and not a shattered, wary, scared and distrustful timid mouse.

One swallow does not make a summer and one utter bastard does not define all men.

newjobsoon · 26/07/2017 21:22

The dust hasn't even settled and they are bugging you about access. Stop talking to whoever is talking this drivel and I guess its him.
Can you go NC till you have processed whats happened?
Sounds like hes still with her then if he said he wouldn't be able to stop.
Don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth.
Damage limitation and he'll be talking shite.
You are being so lovely and reasonable.....not sure if I could be.

Wallywobbles · 26/07/2017 21:28

I know it seems impossible now but when you are thinking access think about what will suit you long term.

The starting place is 50/50. I can imagine that's not what you want.

Otherwise every other weekend, one week night and (half the holidays). I would go with this if possible because you won't have enough holiday time with work to cover all the holidays so make it his problem too.

He will need to pay you some maintenance if it's not 50/50. Look up online what that is and negotiate for as much as possible.

His family is on his time. Don't expect much from them when push comes to shove.

Go and see a lawyer asap and get some proper advice. Get proper agreements signed asap so you know what's what and can plan for the future.

Good luck.

Mix56 · 26/07/2017 21:46

He can take DD to see his family on his time, not your responsibility (unless it suits you)
do NOT agree to every w/e, you work, & when you have time off you can't spend any of it with DD. plus when she has school parties, family to see etc
EOW is standard, plus one evening per week.
He may not like it, but he chose his infidelity, he has to live with it

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 26/07/2017 22:09

Make sure you make clear to his family what's been going on as he will have minimised, including that he knowingly put your health in danger while you were TTC. That'll shut them up for a bit.

timeisnotaline · 26/07/2017 22:24

Absolutely not every weekend. And take all the time you need to agree anything - make it clear everything you agree for the first month is temporary if you like. He's known for months you're being screwed around on when you thought you had a lovely family- you have only just found out.

JustDontGetItAtAll · 26/07/2017 22:38

I would deny any access you've seen a Solicitor and attended Mediation or even been to Court. You don't know what he's capable of. The family bugging you for access sounds very suspicious to me.

Maybe I'm just biased after having my ex's family try to abduct my daughter?

Definitely consider getting a Prohibited Steps Order though. This prevents him from not returning her.

Gingerandgivingzerofucks · 26/07/2017 22:42

Ignore his family requesting access, they have no right to it. He can take her to see them on his weekends. Don't agree to anything he asks, you need to see a solicitor and get proper advice. Certainly he can't make demands right now, he took will need legal advice.

LexieLulu · 26/07/2017 22:52

Family asking for access a day or two into the split? Jesus! They should be leaving you alone right now.

RiversrunWoodville · 26/07/2017 23:13

So sorry it turned out that way found. I wouldn't be taking the slightest bit of notice of his family right now let the dust settle. If he wants access you go EOW and what weeknight suits you, however you will want to know where he will be living before that takes place. Also get it agreed legally then there's no comeback as you say you no longer trust him

Tinkie25 · 27/07/2017 07:34

Can't believe they are asking for access already ☹️

mathanxiety · 27/07/2017 07:38

If his family want to see their niece/granddaughter, then they need to arrange it on his every other weekend schedule. No way should it cut into your free time with your DD.

Don't let anyone tell you what to do here. Fob them off with 'I will consult my solicitor'.

..Speaking of which - you need a solicitor. Get everything wrt support for DD and visitation in writing, and approved by family court.

If you don't trust your former P to pay the mortgage, you could apply for a court order. But you need a solicitor.

Is any joint account still there and is the amount there that should be?

How about adding your maiden name onto your DD's existing name as a third name before the surname?

mamabae · 27/07/2017 08:02

Sod the family's time with her they can do that on his time. Fucking dicks! How insensitive, you've literally known about all of this for a couple of days and they feel it's appropriate to raise the issue with you. Maybe he should of thought about that before being a massive cunt. I still don't understand people like him, especially with kids involved. Putting his needs before his daughters or yours just for a fling. Stay strong op x

Mix56 · 27/07/2017 08:25

Do not make any rapid decisions, you are entitled to time to think.
the reply is I will think about it, I will ask my solicitor etc, or it doesn't work for me, & repeat.
Meanwhile, he still has access to your house, you must remove all the important paper work & take to your Mums, including, passports, birth cert, pay slips, savings, pension, mortgage, etc. You will surprised how rapidly he will be moving/hiding financial information. to pay minimum maintenance.
Disconnect from any joint, fb, WhatsApp etc, (you may not even know he has linked) Change all your passwords, incl bank & remove any joint funds you esteem yours.

Original poster
Foundwantingalways · 27/07/2017 09:08

I have agreed that he can see her Sunday for a few hours at the park, not at the house. She's very keen to see him and keeps asking when he'll be home Sad I can't deny her a few hours with him, he'll be accompanied by his sister and I trust her to return my dd. When I am inevitably asked about the next time, can I simply say I'm speaking to a solicitor and will be in contact about that? I don't have to agree anything there and then even as a one off? They will push me and today I don't feel very strong, I hope by Sunday I'll have my fight back.

OP posts:
Original poster
Foundwantingalways · 27/07/2017 09:11

mix thank you, that's good advice, he hasn't been here since Monday so I will get our paperwork out of the house today. He banks online so I don't have his payslips or bank account details, but I obviously have copies of house deeds, and birth certificate and passport for dd. I'll get what I can together.

OP posts:
Original poster
Foundwantingalways · 27/07/2017 09:14

He's always been secretive with his money...perhaps I really am better off out of this relationship. I've been feeling low for a while, I put it down to the ttc but perhaps he hasn't been helping matters, I've not felt 'good enough' for a long time.

OP posts:
Timefortea99 · 27/07/2017 09:20

I think that your name is an indicator of you not feeling good enough. So, on the positive, every cloud and all that. Remember, it's not you, it's him.

nigelsbigface · 27/07/2017 09:51

You will probably end up in a far better place in the end op...really.

Lovemusic33 · 27/07/2017 09:59

I think it's best that you let him see his daughter at least once or twice a week. If he takes you to court to sort out contact it won't look good if you stopped him seeing her.

You will be better off without him, just give yourself time as you have had a big shock, it's not easy Sad.