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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Mystery WhatsApp conversation

563 replies

Foundwantingalways · 24/07/2017 07:33

My DP has been acting very very secretive with his phone, I have no other reason to suspect him of anything but the fact that he has been really weird over it and won't even leave it charging in my presence got me wondering. I have his phone password, he doesn't know. I've just checked it quickly while he was in the shower and there's a short message on WhatsApp, clearly only the latest fragment of a conversation, with a number saved in the name ' new'. There's a picture of a baby in their profile pic. There's nothing overly awful about the conversation but he's signed off a few messages with a kiss... This is not like him. One of the messages says 'night x' and before that one says. 'I always want to see pics x'. Now this could be innocent but I don't know of anyone, family or friends, who he'd be willing to send messages with a kiss to? I didn't know how to screenshot but I have managed to scribble down the mobile number. I really want to call it, but I just don't know how to go about it. I was thinking of maybe giving a different name and saying I'm from the local water board and need to speak to xyz, and see if I can get a name that way? I'm shaking. I cannot believe he's having an affair, he's keen for another baby and we're undergoing fertility tests at the moment, I'm so hoping it's not that but why be so secretive, and why isn't there a name on the WhatsApp contact? Any thoughts on my next move? He's on Android and is tech savvy so I don't have a tracking app or anything.

OP posts:
HerRoyalFattyness · 25/07/2017 20:54

you are so incredibly strong found
Don't worry about the gossips. You have done nothing wrong. It's them who should be ashamed.

DancesWithOtters · 25/07/2017 21:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MartinaMartini · 25/07/2017 21:15

So sorry you're going through this. What a total bastard.

You didn't know because you trusted him. The blame is with him, not you.
Flowers

Iggypupper · 25/07/2017 21:24

15 months wow! Did you really have no clue? That's not a pop at you op I just find it scary that someone you think you know so well could leave a double life with no clues. Im genuinely intrigued that anyone could pull that off but clearly some people can. Has he tried to weasle his way back or has he gone to her?

MrsMozart · 25/07/2017 21:32

Hold your head up lass. You have a new and better life now xx

tribpot · 25/07/2017 21:34

OP, the surname thing and going abroad is a red herring. If you don't have the same surname you are more likely to be questioned about your relationship to DD but in theory all parents are meant to carry a consent letter from anyone else with PR when travelling abroad with a minor. In practice, like most MNers who go through this routinely, I am questioned on re-entry to the UK and they only want to see proof of our relationship via the birth certificate. Info here.

I'm not saying don't change her surname, just saying if they ever implemented the rules in a logical way (is there a rash of people with different surnames kidnapping British children into the UK?) you'd have to prove consent either way.

Minime85 · 25/07/2017 21:37

Op you have had such a lot to deal with so quickly. It's good you are going to see solicitor etc. I wouldn't rush into changing names and things just yet. That is your daughter's identity and to suddenly change that might not be the best thing to do. You would still technically need permission anyway to go on holiday from the dad regardless of name. Things will be. Why confusing for her in the coming months with daddy not being home etc. Normally routine and stability will help. When my exh left I wanted to change my name immediately but my kids didn't undetand (8 and 6) so I kept it and have change it now (12 and 9) as it is far enough away from it. For sti clinic you need to be about 4 weeks from last sexual contact for hiv text to be accurate I think.

adifferentnameforthis · 25/07/2017 21:38

You're not a mug, you wouldn't say that to anyone else. You are a good person who expected others to be good. He's a cunt.

HerRoyalFattyness · 25/07/2017 21:40

Oh and regarding surname, my mums name is different to my brother, but she can still travel with him. The only thing they've ever done is ask my brother how he knows her. Once he said "she's my mum" all was well.

littleredpear · 25/07/2017 21:44

You are not a mug. I said this too. You trusted him enough to try for a baby.

Trust. This does not make you a mug. You have done nothing.

Please remember this.

poppp · 25/07/2017 21:46

What a bastard. So sorry op Flowers you are one brave lady x

choccybiscuit · 25/07/2017 21:57

What an absolute creep! Well done for being so brave, it must be so hard.

Alfiemoon1 · 25/07/2017 22:03

You are doing amazing op hold your head up high u have done nothing wrong. Big hugs x

Original poster
Foundwantingalways · 25/07/2017 22:47

It's so good to be able to vent on here. I'm grateful for all the support, it's giving me a lot of strength, which I need in spades right now.

OP posts:
PricklyCactuss · 25/07/2017 22:52

Op you've handled this amazingly well

TokenGinger · 25/07/2017 23:07

Hi OP, been following the thread from the start and am in awe of how well you're handling this Flowers

I totally support your choice to change DD's surname, but just another example for you, should you not want to face that additional chore just right now. I took my cousin away with me (our mum's are sisters and we both have our fathers' names), and all that happened, as a PP said, was younger cousin (7 at the time) was taken to the side, asked how she knew me and what my forename and surname was. We had a letter of consent from her parents but it wasn't asked for either way, nor has it ever been required on the 3 trips abroad we have taken.

Stay strong xx

NotMyPenguin · 25/07/2017 23:22

Hi OP, I'm afraid you can still get asked for a letter of consent from the other parent even if you have the same last name as the child! I have to travel with my DD's birth certificate, which shows that I am the only named parent, to avoid this. So please don't feel this is something you need to do (unless you want to). I do like having the same last name as DD, though, as it makes it easier at nursery/school and for admin.

Thinking of you and wishing you loads more strength and fabulousness. Don't blame yourself for being a mug, or despair of having been trusting -- it's such a positive quality. The person who should be ashamed of themself is your XP, who broke that trust.

janaus · 26/07/2017 03:54

I feel for you so much.
I was also a mug and feel such a fool. 5 years. How could someone lead a double life for so long, without suspicion.
You will question everything you once thought was your happy life.
Don't ask "why". He will re write history and play the blame game.
You are doing so well, it's all about you now.

nigelsbigface · 26/07/2017 06:42

I have a different name to my kids-I didnt Change mine when I got married and their dad wanted them to have his surname.
I just travel with a copy of their birth certificate-it's no big deal op, so no hurry.

I was also a mug-a year and a half, best friend and stbexh, we socialised a lot all together in that time, I was advising and looking after friend as her own marriage broke down, talking about my concerns for her with h, etc etc-I wouldn't have suspected a thing. People are good at covering things up sometimes, gaslighting, and if there is no reason to suspect anything then why would you? You want to have faith in your partner so you do. Don't beat yourself up about not realising-it's amazing what great actors people can be.

I hope you managed some sleep? Sending you lots of love...and if you can't face work today, call in sick...I tried to just carry on-and didn't give myself chance to process and heal and I ended up being pretty unwell for a while there...take care of yourself.

WhoreOfBabyliss · 26/07/2017 06:46

The chlamydia comment shows how unconcerned about your health though OP. It shows he knew he was indulging in risky sex but just didn't give a shit. There is a strain of gonorrhea that is resistant to antibiotics. He just hasn't thought about anyone else but himself in this .

mathanxiety · 26/07/2017 07:00

I came upon this thread via a mention on another thread where almost the exact scenario happened to the OP.

You are a Star OP.
Not a mug, and nothing to be embarrassed about, though I know too well how humiliated you must feel.

ShotsFired · 26/07/2017 07:09

Strength and support to you at work today, @Foundwantingalways.

I hope you hold your head high and look him in the eye till he blinks first.
Anyone gossiping should be commenting on what a cunt he (and she) is, you are blameless in all this.

PetalMettle · 26/07/2017 07:21

Just seen this. You're being so strong and together. Keep your head up

ofudginghell · 26/07/2017 07:23

Morning op.
Sending lots of strength vibes for you for today.
Head high and blank him or anything he tries to say.
If he starts harassing you at work go straight to your supervisor and tell them what's happened and that he's harassing you whilst tryingg to work.
I'm pretty sure they will help you out.
Remember you have done nothing wrong and don't let him make you think any differently.

He's now got to live with the embarrassment and comments not you. You will be surprised at how supportive co workers can be and what a great help that can be at times.
Good luck and try to have a better day today op.

debbs77 · 26/07/2017 07:51

Thinking of you OP. And all the other people that have gone through the same.......too many.....it just isn't right xxx

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