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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Emotional affair

165 replies

stuckinaloop30 · 19/07/2017 23:41

Has anyone else managed to break an emotional affair cycle? How long did the withdrawl symptoms last?!

I am happily married but for the last 7 months have been back and forwards in a cycle with a colleague. There have been flirty emails and secret meet ups. Massive highs and we have become really close. There has been a lot of sexting recently. However 3/4 times he has called an end to it but we always relapse. Today for the first time we ended up cuddling close and there was huge sexual tension. He then called me and said its over before asking me to.send photos and discussed how he had felt so excited etc. He then said for certain this time its over. I feel physically sick and so stupid. I know its wrong but I cant stop wanting the highs from being with and communicating with him. If he said its back on I would be straight there. What is wrong with me?!

OP posts:
Deadsouls · 19/07/2017 23:46

You can't be that happily married if you're having a secret emotional affair with someone else other than your spouse.

BadHatter · 19/07/2017 23:46

Best way to stop the emotional affair would be to tell your poor husband so he can dump you to the curb.

Deadsouls · 19/07/2017 23:47

The only way is to cut all contact if you want to end the cycle. That is block every form of contact, social media, phone, email everything and break the addiction

Giraffey1 · 19/07/2017 23:48

You are 'happily married' but you've been having an emotional affair for seven months? Are you being really honest with yourself, OP?

user1486956786 · 19/07/2017 23:51

How would you feel if your husband found out, broke up with you and absolutely hated you ??? Think of that feeling next time

MyheartbelongstoG · 19/07/2017 23:52

What's wrong with you?

Oh where to start.....

justkeeponsmiling · 19/07/2017 23:52

I agree with pp that you can't have a happy, fulfilling marriage if this has been going on for 7 months. Plus it sounds like you would be happy for it to be more than an EA.

ginnystonic · 19/07/2017 23:52

This is not what happily married looks like.

Deadsouls · 19/07/2017 23:55

Would your spouse agree that you were happily married if you were transparent about this emotional affair?

Original poster
stuckinaloop30 · 19/07/2017 23:58

No probably not. I dont want a relationahip with the other man. I am.being a horrible person.

OP posts:
Deadsouls · 20/07/2017 00:00

But you must want something from the other man. It seems as though it would be best for your sanity to cut off the other man. Honestly, ask yourself what are you getting from it apart from a few highs and lows. It sounds like he's all over the place anyway, and is he really that special?

Original poster
stuckinaloop30 · 20/07/2017 00:01

I was not looking to sanction what i am doing btw, I just genuinely cant understand why I am behaving like this. I have been with my husband for a decade. It feels like I am addicted.

OP posts:
revolution909 · 20/07/2017 00:01

So what do you want then? Just the sexting? btw I'm zero judgemental but this has gone beyond an EA.

Original poster
stuckinaloop30 · 20/07/2017 00:02

No that is true. The fact I have joined mumsnet for the first time to confide in someone feels like its reached a tipping point now.

OP posts:
revolution909 · 20/07/2017 00:07

There's usually a lot of judgment going on over here (just be prepared). I under these things happen all the time. I can also understand why you say you're "happily married" - my best guess is that you'd love to have some fun on the side, but you technically don't want anyone to get hurt. I've never had an affair, but I have friends that have, my dad had one, etc.. most people will say cut all ties and focus on your marriage, which sounds great but I bet it ain't easy.

Original poster
stuckinaloop30 · 20/07/2017 00:11

Thank you

OP posts:
pugwallsguitar · 20/07/2017 00:38

You are addicted and your marriage may be happy but it is lacking something. Something you think you can only get from this other person. You are a whisper away from a full blown affair so you need to make a choice. Probably the hardest choice you will ever make and whatever you do someone will suffer. This is not judgement, this is the voice of experience. All worked out for me, eventually, but many people suffered in the process and I will always carry that guilt. But I do believe I made the right choice - for me. Nobody can tell you what choice to make when they don't know you or your circumstances. The only person in this world responsible for your happiness is you.

Jellybellyqueen · 20/07/2017 00:44

Is the excitement of the EA a symptom of being bored with your marriage? That's why a lot of these start, I would imagine. Then get addictive and go further. As pp said, cut all contact, go cold turkey, and find something else to do which redirects the feeling of enjoyment and anticipation.

Original poster
stuckinaloop30 · 20/07/2017 00:46

Iam happily married though. I wouldnt change my husband or my life. I have got hooked on a cheap thrill. Your replies have made see even more how selfish I have been. I think I have felt flattered by the excitement and attention after 2 kids

OP posts:
heatherscot · 20/07/2017 00:46

Sexting is more than an emotional affair. You are showing no respect for your partner. Imagine how you would feel if they did this to you. Seems you're in need of attention, flirtation and sexual adventure. Suggest seeing if you can find it in your own relationship before looking elsewhere...or end it and actually go elsewhere!

heather19771210 · 20/07/2017 01:13

Please do your partner a favour. If you're not happy leave. I'm on the other side of this. It will blow up in your face and hurt your family. Be on your own, find yourself. Be happy and I say this as a betrayed wife.

Beelzebop · 20/07/2017 01:22

I've got three kids, some have ten, some have none. That doesn't affect whether you are faithful or not.

CrowyMcCrowFace · 20/07/2017 01:23

He keeps calling it off, he wants you to send photos, but then he says it's over...

In the nicest possible way, OP, you are being absolutely mugged here.

My xh had an 'emotional affair' & is now with OW after I binned him. Huge fallout, devastated dc, completely life changing.

But frankly if you were xh's ow I'd think you were such a total nugget I'd end up feeling sorry for you. Goodness you're being played for an eejit.

Windytwigs · 20/07/2017 02:21

If he said its back on I would be straight there.
You are addicted. To disgusting behaviour. Imagine how your dh would feel upon finding out! And the potential devastation to your children if he then kicked you out for cheating behind his back! I'm very disturbed that you keep going back and have even escalated it with the cuddling and resultant sexual tension. This screams to me that you have no real interest in giving it up as you're enjoying it too much.
What have you actually done about stopping it?

tccat · 20/07/2017 02:44

It's a bad bad road to start going down OP, it's so easy to get addicted to the feelings he's stirring in you, the excitement at seeing him, the little thrill when your phone pings with a message, more than likely the flattery at what seems like the ubiquitous "good morning gorgeous" text
Whilst clearly wrong, the feelings are good ones and are hard to give up
It's thrilling and I get why it happens, it's just not real, none of it, you are basically a human wank sock to him
Cut contact and thank your lucky stars it didn't go further, trust me and nip it in the bud now or you'll be forever looking for the next thrill, the next high, and doing ever more desperate things to get it
It's not worth the damage it does to your mental health and your self esteem, trust me it really isn't 😔

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