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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Emotional affair

165 replies

stuckinaloop30 · 19/07/2017 23:41

Has anyone else managed to break an emotional affair cycle? How long did the withdrawl symptoms last?!

I am happily married but for the last 7 months have been back and forwards in a cycle with a colleague. There have been flirty emails and secret meet ups. Massive highs and we have become really close. There has been a lot of sexting recently. However 3/4 times he has called an end to it but we always relapse. Today for the first time we ended up cuddling close and there was huge sexual tension. He then called me and said its over before asking me to.send photos and discussed how he had felt so excited etc. He then said for certain this time its over. I feel physically sick and so stupid. I know its wrong but I cant stop wanting the highs from being with and communicating with him. If he said its back on I would be straight there. What is wrong with me?!

OP posts:
Adora10 · 20/07/2017 14:34

I reached that plateau a long time ago with my partner, I would and could never be so disloyal and so disrespectful; it's not about feeling in love all the time, it's about having a bond with your partner that is unbreakable, it's not all about sex and fancying a shag.

If you want to have sex with someone other than your wife or husband, go ahead but end your relationship first.

QuentinSummers · 20/07/2017 15:07

I would and could never be so disloyal and so disrespectful
What you mean is you haven't been and you have no intention of doing so. I've heard lots of people say this (and things like "if my partner ever looked elsewhere he'd be out on his ear) but when reality hits what people say and what they do are different things. This sort of post is very judgemental and not helping the OP

nigelsbigface · 20/07/2017 15:25

Op you are doing this because you are bored.Thats what it comes down to. You've been with someone a while but you are more like best friends? Life is comfortable but not exciting. Someone has come along that makes you feel flattered, and young again...

That's all it is though...
We all get bored after a long time with the same person to some degree. But the grass is rarely greener.Simply put, say you tell your h, your marriage breaks up.Your new relationship will have about two years thriving off the drama off it, you'll be like Romeo and Juliet...until that wears off, the guilt about what harm you may have done to your kids starts to bite, and you find yourself standing at a different Kitchen sink, emptying a different laundry basket, being bored by a different anecdote you've heard six times before... unless you genuinely believe this other man is the love of your life, then give it a rest...because it's highly likely you will regret it if you don't.

Original poster
stuckinaloop30 · 20/07/2017 15:28

Before January I would not have ever imagined that I would ever have got myself into this situation either to be fair. I am so ashamed. My friends and family would be gobsmacked at my behaviour.

OP posts:
Original poster
stuckinaloop30 · 20/07/2017 15:30

Thank you nigelsbigface. No he is definitely not the love of my life. I 100% do not want a relationship with him. I think you are right about the boredom.

OP posts:
yetmorecrap · 20/07/2017 15:45

It is boredom, ego, mismatched libidos, a bit of a buzz that brightens tedium, all these things OP and oh it's a marriage wrecker for some, , so decide which matters most

Desmondo2016 · 20/07/2017 15:49

To be fair I expect as far as he's concerned you're just providing him something to wank over. Sexy texts, photos and the oh so exhilarating 'excitement'. Get rid. Hea a twat and youre behaving like one. Turn off the soap opera and rejoin real life.

Adora10 · 20/07/2017 15:50

I would and could never be so disloyal and so disrespectful
What you mean is you haven't been and you have no intention of doing so. I've heard lots of people say this (and things like "if my partner ever looked elsewhere he'd be out on his ear) but when reality hits what people say and what they do are different things. This sort of post is very judgemental and not helping the OP

Yes it is helpful so buggar off, the OP is minimising shitty behaviour, sometimes we all need a good hard shock to make us realise how hurtful we are being so it is helpful, if you disagree then tough, I don't need your approval to post.

Giraffey1 · 20/07/2017 15:58

First thing, you have to take some steps - like blocking emails, texts, deleting numbers etc. Have you done this?
Then you need to ask yourself what has led you down this path - have you alwasy been with your H? Do you think you were subconsciously feeling you were missing out and this was a way of compensating?

You need to do all the physical things you can to break the contact, which will help you break the habit. But you need to break the triggers in your mind too.

Adora10 · 20/07/2017 16:05

If he said its back on I would be straight there.

So you won't be doing this now OP?

Honestly, I think the only reason you posted is because OM has backed off/ended it and you are distraught over it and have come on here to spill your self pity so others feel sympathy for you, it's been going on 7 months but yet now, you are going to stop it, really, I doubt it very much, as you say above, he just needs to give you the nod and you will be back there.

if you do go back, please break with your husband and tell OM to break with his g/f before you do.

HadronCollider · 20/07/2017 17:29

I think you need to stop with the self recrimination as it rarely gets you past what is happening and project yourself forward. What positive steps can you make to get out of this? Write them down. Please please change your job. It will just be too difficult no matter what your intentions, to stop this on your own will power. If your will power were strong enough you would not have reached the stage of sexting.

You ask why you can't stop yourself?

As someone upthread said its chemicals, and crucially, the fact you keep underestimating the danger and overestimating your resolve and strength. Sometimes its stronger to say I have completely lost control of this and I cannot be trusted.

Really, sincerely, want to get out of it? Tell someone who will be apalled but still love you like your mother, or another close relative (brother? sister? etc). Someone who will hold you to account and still love you despite your confession. Someone who wants your marriage to succeed and wants the best for you. That will bring you back to reality and take away the adrenalin high pretty quickly. I applaud you asking for advice here at least. I hope you do not succumb and get this under control.

nigelsbigface · 20/07/2017 18:04

I've just re read my post and realised how harsh it sounded... I don't judge you particularly-I think this is sort of thing is far more common than most people admit to...it could happen to most people I think we're the circumstances right (or wrong as the case may be).

But you know he's not the love of your life...he's not worth fucking everything else up for.

This is cliched advice maybe-but make a list of what you do have that's good... what do you like about your life? Do you want to give it up for something you concede is fairly worthless? Now make a list of what good could come of it. I doubt your second list will be longer than your first.

Lastly think about what you could do to celebrate your relationship with your husband.what would make it better? And do it...just give it a try-it might work.

stuckinaloop31 · 20/07/2017 18:16

I am OP. I did what someone above suggeated and have told a colleague who is also a very long term friend and knows the man too. They have been shocked but not judgemental. They work in a theraputic capacity so probably a helpful person to have told. They made me panic that I would be identifiable from my posts on here so tried to rename and ended up losing the username I had registered with. Anyway my less panicked googling tells me mumsnet is definitely annonymous. Thank you for the advice. I like the idea of making a list of all that i have and am not sure any good can come out of carrying on. Literally cant think of anything concrete. Only the feeling the excitemenr.

stuckinaloop31 · 20/07/2017 18:19

Also hadroncollider you are right I understiamted the threat. Someone earlier who said about people probably know too was right. My colleague said they wondered why I stayed longer with the man in question yesterday and didnt walk out of work with them. They thought strange behaviour. Have got me listing all that could be a consequence.of this madness if continued

Emmageddon · 20/07/2017 18:22

Did your colleague really have no idea that you and this man were having an emotional affair? In my limited experience, when I worked in an office, and two people were involved with each other, EVERYBODY knew. It was the source of much gossip, malicious and otherwise.

stuckinaloop31 · 20/07/2017 18:26

I dont work in an office. There is only a couple of times a month people would have seen me.with this man. I dont think they would have know but who knows. I am probably deluding myself.

stuckinaloop31 · 20/07/2017 18:28

My colleague did not know at all no. They have been very shocked. Although as I said they said they wonderd why stayed with man yesterday.

stuckinaloop31 · 20/07/2017 18:34

They are most shocked at my.lack of focus on potential conseques for.my children and the impact on them which seems fair... and linked to our job role which makes my behaviour feel even worse. They are dubious about my willpower and agreed with things on here about making a relapse prevention plan. I think my initial plan is if I am tempted to try and contact to reread this thread.

lingoludo · 20/07/2017 19:31

Oh dear... out come the MN police. The thing with mumsnet is that you're not allowed to make mistakes. Well done for speaking out and for trying to find a way to stop the behaviour, however I do question whether you're a little bored in your marriage? You can't be 100% happy surely?

stuckinaloop31 · 20/07/2017 19:40

Thanks. I think maybe its not the marriage maybe its me and the shifts after 2 kids. I am going to try and self refer for some counselling through work.

stuckinaloop31 · 20/07/2017 19:40

(Shifts of dynamics)

Cuckingfunt1981 · 20/07/2017 19:43

You are no where near happily married if your so invested in this affair ...........

Desperad0 · 20/07/2017 19:49

Delete him, block him, and whenever you feel the need to text him text your husband

rainbowduck · 20/07/2017 21:16

I am Genuinely curious as to the line between flirting and an EA.

I hope that you find the strength to end this before you run the risk of losing everything.

stuckinaloop31 · 20/07/2017 21:32

I think the line has been the intensity and frequency. Also the secretiveness. I am.so ashamed. I hope so too. I feel.hopeful reading the post from someone last night who has survived a similar situation. My husband is away again next week so I am.trying to focus on being busy and not being tempted to try and reconnect