Emotional affair

[stuckinaloop30]

Has anyone else managed to break an emotional affair cycle? How long did the withdrawl symptoms last?!

I am happily married but for the last 7 months have been back and forwards in a cycle with a colleague. There have been flirty emails and secret meet ups. Massive highs and we have become really close. There has been a lot of sexting recently. However 3/4 times he has called an end to it but we always relapse. Today for the first time we ended up cuddling close and there was huge sexual tension. He then called me and said its over before asking me to.send photos and discussed how he had felt so excited etc. He then said for certain this time its over. I feel physically sick and so stupid. I know its wrong but I cant stop wanting the highs from being with and communicating with him. If he said its back on I would be straight there. What is wrong with me?!

I had this exact situation some years ago (pre children however) except it did turn very much physical too which made it worse as the thrill of that was addictive too. Insitigated by me, as a way of justifying what I was doing (horrid I know), me and OH decided to have a trial separation, I guess a break, but with the agreement that we could see other people. We'd been together since very young and had both wondered what we might be missing but it was hugely unfair of me because he didn't know I already had someone. Saw the guy for awhile but wasn't happy however in the same way I was utterly addicted, checking my phone all the time etc. It's compulsive. I decided to leave the country entirely for a bit to get away and went to Asia where I had travelled before and my second night away spoke to OH who told me he'd had a one night stand. I was insanely jealous (though obviously didn't get angry or anything) and immediately flew home and begged him to take me back which he did. However the addiction feeling remained and I had contact with the other guy still for a bit. I didn't really break it off until I realised that other guy was a bit of a dick compared to OH.

Anyway I told OH I'd seen this other guy etc. There was a long period of him learning to trust me again and I just had to wait it out and show him I loved him. It was so difficult for us both. I still cringe with embarrassment and horror at my behaviour though I can now see I felt very stuck in a rut with OH who was career focused and this other guy I thought offered the lifestyle I craved.

Anyway the point of this is to say I understand that you can truly love someone and still do something like this. Plenty of people will say you can't but you can. I do think though something has to be missing in your relationship which it was in ours. Self esteem was a massive thing too, attention from someone else made me feel good when I hated my body and looks.

For us, telling OH was the making of us. We worked through it and now are in a fantastic place with two children. He often says he feels the whole situation strengthened our relationship and I agree. However I have been beyond fortunate. My OH is the most emotionally mature, stable person I've ever met and was able to talk and consider and ultimately move on. I'm not sure I could have in his position. You are risking losing your husband and breaking up your family. There is a lot at stake for you.

You've got to cut this guy out. Delete his number. Block it. Change jobs if you can. It's going to be very hard to break that compulsive behaviour if you're seeing him at work all the time. Eventually the addicted feeling WILL subside and will seem completelt bizarre looking back. Try and remember it's just chemicals in your brain doing it. That meeting someone new feeling apparently is the same as taking cocaine. It's not real like the relationship you have built with your husband is. One day I guarantee you will look back and not be able to understand what the hell you thought you were doing. Try and work out what it is this man seems to offer that husband doesn't. There'll be something.

"Hey honey, I truly love you. I love you so much that I've started an emotional and physical relationship with someone else. But I do truly love you."

I don't know. Doesn't sound genuine. Doesn't make sense.

^ agree. Especially as it's kept on going, even knowing how bad the behaviour is....At the point at which you understand how horrible it is to cheat on a loving partner, yet continue anyway, I'd say that's the point at which you are showing that you just love yourself. Not your partner.

It doesnt make sense no. Not at all. It has become a selfish irrational addiction. Jenala-thank you such for sharing your experience.

This has happened to me. It's very painful and I find it's a pattern of behavior that can repeat itself. If I was younger I'd get divorced and find myself and what I'm missing. It's a combination of wanting the physical attraction I didn't have with my husband and the total manliness he lacked that the other man had. The other man wasn't near as kind or as good a person.He was controlling and curse me a few times.something my husband never does. Life would of been much harder money wise and I'd always wonder how I'd be treated when old or a burden. I'd say stay married. This is from someone who just went through it at age 64. Find yourself and happiness in your marriage or you may end up doing this again at age 64 !!!! And possibly several times before it.!!!!

Obviously I went beyond the emotional affair but it start that way....so hence the warning and advice.

Typo in my prev message. Thank you so much Jenala. Also sorryoldwoman.Jenala-It is helpful to think of in terms of a chemical addiction. Thats exactly what if feels like. I think this time its over though. He has said if we relapse he will do something drastic like resign or confess. That threat is definitely going to help my resolve. I have spent ages reflecting and the only thiing I think he offers me is availability. My husband is abroad a lot. Also flattery of feeling someones genuine attraction not just my husband saying he is attracted to me because of love.

I too had exactly this situation. DP and I had a very good relationship, we talked, openly, we shared thoughts and dreams, we told each other how much we felt and our physical relationship was excellent and very well matched.
5 months ago I sensed something was 'off', there was nothing I could actually put my finger on, but there were odd days when he definitely went colder towards me. He went back home for a school reunion (of all things) and contact for those 4 days was not the same as previously. I even asked him, while he was there, whether there was anything I should be worrying about, he reassured me...
2 weeks after he returned, I asked him something fairly simply, he paused, I pushed, then he confessed that he'd been having an emotional affair. I kicked him out. He wasn't expecting it because he (like many men his age - 50s) assumed no sex made it easier. It doesn't. the betrayal still cuts right through you.
I went through hell, and back. He begged to try again so we did. We go the book, we worked through it, we talked, long and into the night, we cried, we had amazing sex.
Then, 4 weeks ago I started to get 'that feeling' again. I couldn't work out whether I was just being paranoid, I doubted myself, I asked him.....
We split up 2 weeks ago. I am beyond devastated. I have no idea whether he is with the OW or not. She's married, with 2 children (teenagers). I've no idea whether she had to sit those kids down and tell them that she was leaving for another man.
I spent last weekend clearing his stuff from the house, it's in a large pile until I can summon up the courage to ask him to pick it up.

So, this is long, but you need to make your decision with full information, and this is the view from the other side. For me, the worst part of this whole process was the time when he was having that EA and assuming I didn't know. So your OH does know, he may not want to admit it to himself, because he trusts you and loves you, but every time you choose to contact the OM, you are picking up that trust and love and stamping it on the ground. It's always a choice

Hidingfromdd. It makes me really sad and gives me feelings of shame to hear about your situation. I have only been thinking of myself. I have become totally blinkered. He has a very long term girlfriend too. There are so many people our behaviour has been disrepsectful of.

Don't punish yourself, it's not the end of the world, just please please stop it now, it truly is not worth the harm to you,even if no one finds out

If the OP stops it now I shall eat my hat.

OP, is the flutter of your fanny really more important than hurting a man you profess to love, clearly it is; I'd do him a favour and end your happy marriage as you put it; it never ceases to amaze me how a grown married person can come on here and bleat on about how their sexual organs are being excited but they don't know what to do about it, fact is you don't want to do anything, you want to carry on having sexual thrills whilst married; you really need to think long and hard about what you are doing and how it is hurting other people.

Plus this guy at your work is just using you.

It's not about him and it's not about your DH, it's about how it makes you feel.

You need to find a alternative way to replicate that feeling.
Flirt with your DH and find a friend to text when you feel like contacting him.

The grass is greener where you water it

The grass IS greener on the other side, but only because it's been fertilised with Grade A bullshit

Cut all contact. Change your job. You will end up in a bad place if you carry on. Maybe try some counselling to find out what is missing in your life, for you to need this excitement.

Try and be gentle with yourself. You know this isn't OK but at the same time you are being emotional not rational and as loads of people have said, this is an addiction. Him pulling away then coming back is fuelling the addiction too because it adds to unpredictability.
I'm going against the grain and saying I'm not sure it is a sign there is something wrong with your marriage. It may be you are feeling unconfident in other ways and this has given you a boost. It may be that the guy is a player and is manipulating the situation to build the addiction and get what he wants.
I think you need to tell your husband, cut all contact with the guy and move jobs. Block him, change your number etc. Good luck.

Thank you. I cant quit my job. I work in a 'caring' type post grad profession at a high level and its not very easy to just move. I think you are right about telling my husband but the thought makes me feel sick. Although I know deserve it.

Don't tell your husband. He deserves to know but I have a feeling you will regret it. Not many men would be forgiving.

Be thankful you've got away with it this far and go focus on your husband.

Does anyone else know, my DH left evidence around on his old phones and in other ways and it has come back to bite him on the arse 12 years later and no I don't feel forgiving because he continued contact for many years , albeit innocent enough and lied to me

No noone else knows. I am genuinely feeling motivated by all the horrible feelings I have felt from the responses on here and from the helpful advice. I have deleted his number and fb messenger. I am going to discuss with my manager the shift of locality team as well, to try and reduce our contact at work. I am going round and round in circles about what to do about telling my husband. He is away this week. Thank you for all the replies. I wish i had joined mumsnet before now!

I think you are struggling to take responsibility for your own choices. Your OP is full of phrases written in the third person or write as if your affair partner is to blame.

I am happily married but for the last 7 months have been back and forwards in a cycle with a colleague

Which actually means " I've been having an affair for 7 months "

There have been flirty emails and secret meet ups

I've been sending inappropriate emails and meeting up while lying to my spouse about it

Massive highs and we have become really close

I enjoy the massive highs and becoming emotionally intimate with my AP

There has been a lot of sexting recently

I've been sexting

However 3/4 times he has called an end to it but we always relapse

I always go back to him

we ended up cuddling close and there was huge sexual tension

I cuddled him and enjoyed being turned on

He then called me and said its over before asking me to.send photos and discussed how he had felt so excited

I considered sending sexual photos and discussed our mutual sexual arrousal

Etc etc

These things are not happening to you, it's not outside your control. You are doing it over and over again.

Reducing contact at work is good, although leaving the job would be better - is there no option to transfer elsewhere?

You say no-one knows - you'd be surprised, I bet some of your workmates know, and one of them might be inclined to tell your husband.

I wouldn't tell him, if I were you. He will feel betrayed and humiliated. It doesn't matter that you and this colleague haven't had sex, the intention was/is there.

Your marriage is in REAL trouble. You wouldn't have done this, if you were head over heels with your DH. Can you imagine being with your DH fir life? Do you want to be? It sounds to me, as though your DH doesn't make you feel desired and there's no sexual tension there? And he is away a lot? If this is the case, I can see how you've gotten drawn in to this situation with OM.

Fwiw, men who behave this way, are usually not very nice people. I think he is enjoying playing with you. It gives him power. Take a huge step back and actually think about what he's doing. He has a long term partner, but he's chatting up other women.

Can I just say also, that you WON'T be the only OW on the scene.

Never ceases to amaze me how these people minimise and deflect blame, they are so obsessed with their own enjoyment and satisfaction they can't even see how pathetic they sound.

There is no way on earth you can be happily married and carry on like this, never mind actually loving your husband.

Wish I knew you both, first thing I would do is tell the two innocents who are oblivious, I doubt then either of you would find it so exciting and exhilarating.

Fwiw, men who behave this way, are usually not very nice people

Sexist twaddle, and women are not?

Rot. People in long-term relationships get used to each other, get bored, and carry on. There is no need, and no realistic expectation of being 'head over heels' when you've been together a while. You might be firmly bonded and it might be even better than the first flush of lustful romance, but it won't be the same.

When they reach that plateau, some people want the excitement over again and go for affairs. And some are shaggers all along. A few might be faithful throughout. But when the early stage 'head over heels' wears off, it isn't necessarily the end of the relationship, and if you expect that feeling to carry on forever, you are setting yourself up for disappointment.