Emotional affair

[stuckinaloop30]

Has anyone else managed to break an emotional affair cycle? How long did the withdrawl symptoms last?!

I am happily married but for the last 7 months have been back and forwards in a cycle with a colleague. There have been flirty emails and secret meet ups. Massive highs and we have become really close. There has been a lot of sexting recently. However 3/4 times he has called an end to it but we always relapse. Today for the first time we ended up cuddling close and there was huge sexual tension. He then called me and said its over before asking me to.send photos and discussed how he had felt so excited etc. He then said for certain this time its over. I feel physically sick and so stupid. I know its wrong but I cant stop wanting the highs from being with and communicating with him. If he said its back on I would be straight there. What is wrong with me?!

User1494187262 - thanks for your kind words - it's just that sometimes I come on here to wallow in self-pity 😀

...... don't we all xx

Monstermunch1234 I dont think your posting is at all self induldgent. I have found hearing about your experience really helpful and am.grateful for your reply (although am sorry to.hear how hard its been). X

Some advice for you. Stop.

It happened to me but it was for 2 weeks and I was lucky I never had to see the OM again.

I hurt my wonderful husband and our 2 children, I hurt my inlaws, my parents etc. Everyone was affected by my stupid selfish actions.

I told my husband that I had been texting and had kissed the OM.

I thought I was in love with him, I wasn't I was simply enjoying being chased and flirting which was different from what I had at home (together 15 years).

His wife called me and I admitted it all, told her I would never forgive myself for the pain I inflicted on everyone.

He chased me but I should have ran a mile. There are no excuses.

My husband is kind and wonderful, the man didn't even measure up to his socks.

It's been 4 years, I have worked damn hard to build trust, to show my husband what he means to me, how sorry I am and how I made a mistake that I would never replicate.

I have never to this day seen him, they didn't stay together (a friend told me this) and I feel sad for his ex wife and children, I could have contributed to that. I since learnt he had been unfaithful in the past.

Please wake up - NOW, unless you want to leave your life and start again with this man.

I am lucky my husband is such a good man he gave me another chance, I still feel sad at how I ever could have been so stupid and niave.

To those who say once a cheater always a cheater. No. Some of us learn the hard way and realise the impact and what is most important in our life and will never ever be in that situation again.

You are very lucky little red riding hood, it's hard to be on the receiving end of this stuff and feel that benevolent , (believe me I know) however I think it's easier to forgive when it's a short period of time and admitted to.

Yet more crap - I count myself lucky every single day, I could have destroyed us all.

I needed to break the spell I appeared to be under and the guilt was horrendous. I could not have continued to lie to my husband, I hope the OP not only finishes this, but also comes clean with her husband in order for them both to work through this.

If nothing else I owed it to my husband to tell him what I had done and let him decide whether to stay or not.

We have never been closer, looking back we were in a bit of a bad patch, but it was no excuse. Now if I feel we aren't connecting as well I make it a priority to talk and communicate.

Your looking for something.....this man/experience provides it. If it's excitement....then cut contact with him and do exciting things to get your fix from somewhere else.

Do a plane jump for charity, take up a course at college.

You know this person isn't the answer. It's the feeling your addicted too. At the moment your burying your head in the sand. You know what your doing isn't the answer.

Your emotions are waving big red flags to tell you, you need to change trajectory, shake things up, to remember your alive.

Get your fix from somewhere else. Besides he's a flip flopper.....risking your marriage for someone who flip flops is a dumb ass move. You already know this.

Thanks Wheelycote and LittleRedRidinghood99 It is definitely the feelings that have been evoked and the excitement that has had me hooked.

Just checking in and reminding you of your resolve again, OP.

How are you getting on?

Hey, thanks for checking in. No contact with the other man since the team day earlier this week. I do feel genuinely sad at the loss of friendship but no temptation re anything else. Wont see him now until the next team meeting in September so hopefully by then all will be back to normal. I do really want to be proper friends again one day but think its probably a bit optimistic/not a good plan re avoiding any chance of relapsing.

Look for a book called Breaking Love Addiction, it helped me hugely in your situation. You are right, it's an addiction, you are addicted to the chemicals in your nervous system that the highs produce. It's symptomatic of something deeper, as I think you know. For me it was , reaching 45 and feeling like it was my last chance to be desirable ( he acted like I was a goddess), not being great at having young kids ( not an excuse, but a reason), I showed him only one aspect of myself, and I loved believing in this fantasy me, that he validated. My marriage was good too, I can really understand you saying that.
The only way out was to break contact, it hurt like hell for a LONG time, even though we both know it was a fantasy, it was so hard to let go of. I feel like it altered every cell in my body. Had a VG therapist too.

My marriage survived it.

I let go of loads of things that were holding me back when I let go of him.

Be scrupulously honest with yourself op. Know that you will mourn it, but let it go.

Thank you so much Ohyesiam. I feel same re not being great at having kids. Some of my friends and family seem to really feel happy to be all consumed by it. I have felt a bit of a loss 'me' since becoming a mum (much as I love my kids). Did you ever have to see your other man again after it ended? How long did it take you to feel 'recovered'? Will look up book x

*loss of me

Hi, well done on staying strong but I think you are a bit naive if you think you can return to being friends with this man. A few people have described this as an addiction and I think you should look at it this way too - one drink and you're off the wagon. Also, from your husbands perspective, if there was full disclosure and he knew everything that had happened do you think he would find a friendship acceptable - or if he had embarked on an EA would you fing him making friends with the OW acceptable? I think you should keep the relationship professional and move on with your life. Good luck

It took months "stuck* my heart hurt a lot, but I stayed strong. I had to gradually let the fantasy dissolve. It's as if two things went on together. The obvious excitement and attraction, which woke part of me up. Then the things that I unconsciously attached to it. Because it was so unreal, I could ascribe any meaning to it, and I stepped into a fantasy of being an airbrushed person, an advert person, with no shadow side, just funny, easygoing, passionate, talented, and hugely attractive. Now because I have historically had very low self esteem, the temptation to be so perfect ,so complete, was huge. And it is that that I was mourning, because like your situation, om was half the man my husband is. It was never about him.

So for me it was all about a really cac -handed way of trying to get my needs met. Very childish, and self indulgent, and blind, very out of character. But just very human.

Hope that makes sense.

Make getting over him a project, really fill your time , see friends, learn something, do stuff in the house/ garden that give you a sense of self.
If I can do this op, you can
X

Ohyesiam, did you involve your husband in the process? If so, how did he react?

OP, well done sticking with it.

HeeeresJohnny
I did, I asked him if I could sleep with om ..... Crazy, but I didn't know what else to do.
He was understandably livid. but being an emotionally intelligent guy, he could see that his working 70 hour weeks was having an impact on out relationship. It was a dark and awful time.
In the end, on the very day that I found the courage to end it with om, he came home from work and said he thought he could somehow cope if I went ahead and consummated the relationship with om. I know it took him so much to do that, and I also knew that I couldn't do it to him.

Ohyesiam, that does sound hard. Am very pleased for you that you both got through it. I also completely understand both you and the OP when you said it had nothing to do with the quality of your marriages and everything to do with your feelings about yourself (and motherhood).

Thanks so much ohyesiam x

stuck pm me if you need to x

Just wanted to say well done stuck and keep up the good work. I know its very, very, very hard, but your marriage is worth much more than this shallow 2 dimensional 'relationship' is, and I'm glad that someone somewhere's marriage is working out, it's sad to constantly read about marriages ending on MN. I'm glad yours is not one of them. It's refreshing.

And I personally think its completely normal to feel like you lose a part of yourself when you have small DCs, I felt that way and still do sometimes, despite my children being older and independent. Don't beat yourself up about it. I find it serves you well as the time approaches when they need you less and go off in the world. Swings and roundabouts.

I think any future friendship with the OM is a real no no. I think this is the addicted mind talking. You sound a bit like me, an idealist who always wants the best outcome even if it's completely unrealistic. Naive thinking, which is probably what got you into danger in the first place. As pp said it would be dangerous.

You sound like a lovely person and I wish you all the best, and many happy future anniversaries. X

Thanks so much HadronCollider. I think you are right re the idealism. Its hard to just accept that things cant work out how I would like (eg staying friends). Am working on trying to just accept what 'is'.Very glad to have found mumsnet to have helped with problem solving/discussing. So many really funny/interesting other topics being discussed on here too. One upside to this crazy situation!

Thank you for sharing your story Ohyesiam

It has really helped me too xx

Stuck, you might be interested in my story below:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2950812-How-to-fall-back-in-love-get-the-spark-back?pg=1&order=

Ellabeth x