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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Emotional affair

165 replies

stuckinaloop30 · 19/07/2017 23:41

Has anyone else managed to break an emotional affair cycle? How long did the withdrawl symptoms last?!

I am happily married but for the last 7 months have been back and forwards in a cycle with a colleague. There have been flirty emails and secret meet ups. Massive highs and we have become really close. There has been a lot of sexting recently. However 3/4 times he has called an end to it but we always relapse. Today for the first time we ended up cuddling close and there was huge sexual tension. He then called me and said its over before asking me to.send photos and discussed how he had felt so excited etc. He then said for certain this time its over. I feel physically sick and so stupid. I know its wrong but I cant stop wanting the highs from being with and communicating with him. If he said its back on I would be straight there. What is wrong with me?!

OP posts:
stuckinaloop31 · 20/07/2017 21:33

(With the other man)

MistressDeeCee · 20/07/2017 21:36

He is your excitement and youre addicted to that. I dont believe every woman loves the man she married solely; maybe you love both EA man and your DH. Lust is more likely tho. The reality of being together with your EA man wont ever match up to the thrill of "what if". So you need to keep away from him or you'll get hurt. Your DH will notice you feel like shit - what then? Has he noticed a difference in you at all, by the way? Be careful you dont lose your marriage for a 'nothing' situation that truly isnt worth it. Yoy can survive eithout this man in your life. Accept you will have to go thru the fire, experience the sad and bad feelings. & let him go. If you were free - would he want you and be there for you? Answer yourself very honestly about that.

rainbowduck · 20/07/2017 22:20

I agree with PP, it's about boredom, esp as you say you do not want to have a future with this man. Is he married? Does the fact that he ended it, and not you, smart a little bit?

stuckinaloop31 · 20/07/2017 22:27

To be honest the fact its ways been him trying to end it has made me feel even more crappy. Its been like a cycle of feeling adored then rejected then adored again. He has sent me a message saying he was going to block me on messenger tonight. I had already done though. Hopefully is different this time if both more determined. We havent blocked before. Just agreed to a ban which never lasted. No hes not married. Very long term girlfriend though. He has said very recently that they have been distant for 6 months. He blames me for the situation fully. And says would never have been in this position if I hadnt kept luring him. I am just trying to stop obsessing now. I feel much better/worse/guiltier/determined after posting here and telling friend/colleague

user1494187262 · 20/07/2017 22:34

The fact he's blaming you doesn't say much about his strength of character.
He should be taking full responsibility for his actions. If this affair is discovered he will blame you entirely. This will be his line to his DP and your DH. He will hang you out to dry

Josuk · 20/07/2017 22:46

Men crack me up. You've been "luring him"? And the poor him couldn't resist? So, the scores of attractive women he comes across daily - if they came up and lured him - he'd follow them like a lemming....
No one, no man or woman who don't want to be seduced away from their partner; who are not open to the possibility of playing around - no one can be forced to act on it.
It's always a choice, their own choice.

I bet you, if you follow through with ignoring him, he'll come crawling back.
This extra excitement that you've been attracted to and craved - he craves it too.

You can get through this. Won't be easy, but you can.
And do not make your husband feel bad by telling him. You'd feel like you cleared your consciousness, but you'll only hurt him.
If you decide to resist these feelings - do the work on your one. Suffer and be hurt on your own - because the withdrawal from the excitement will make you feel like that...

BadHatter · 20/07/2017 23:16

You've been dishonest for too long in your marriage.

Tell your husband.

SandyY2K · 21/07/2017 00:00

I think some counselling would be a good idea. I'm not sure about telling your husband, as it hasn't reached the stage of infidelity and hopefully won't either.

rainbowduck · 21/07/2017 06:21

I agree with Sandy. I can't help feeling that if I was in your husbands shoes, I would absolutely not want to know unless it became physical or was the end of the marriage.

stuckinaloop31 · 21/07/2017 08:33

I dont think im going to tell him. I have registered with relate for some counselling alone. I dont think its anything to do with him. Its about me. There is something wrong with me. He is an amazing husband. I find him more attractive than ever genuinely, he is hugely supportive of me personally and professionally. My friends and family adore him. Hes an amazing dad. Hes away a lot but he does an amazing jo that he worked so hard to get and I wouldnt want to deny him that. It gives us amazing travel opportunites as a family. I have an amazing life. When hes here he is fully family focused. Hes amazing. I have been a massive fool.

stuckinaloop31 · 21/07/2017 08:35

And feel more angry at the other man now today. Josuk-another quote was that he believes willpower is an infinte resource and I had just been so persistant he felt stuck and couldnt resist. I felt a bit flattered at the time whih is sad but actually I think he was just avoiding taking any responaibility and heaping the blame solely on me (am not saying im blameless at all)

HadronCollider · 21/07/2017 08:55

Is there anything you can do when your husband has these times away? Can you take up something, evening classes, a sport, shack up with a friend, have family over to stop yourself feeling empty, lonely and/or bored and frustrated when your dp is not around? Keeping busy might make it easier to avoid temptation.

HadronCollider · 21/07/2017 08:57

Sorry I forgot about the children. Sure you have enough to handle!

stuckinaloop31 · 21/07/2017 09:39

Ha. Well relate do phone sessions in evenings so I am booking for one evening next week when he is away. I am going to try and get my mum to babysit another and see a friend and then maybe actually tidy our house. Its a bombsite!

user1494187262 · 21/07/2017 09:46

Just read your updates.
WTF were you thinking?

This OM sounds like a complete tool.

You are absolutely correct that it's about you. I did say this early on in the thread.
The same thing happened with my DH, it progressed to a physical affair and only ended when I found out.

DO NOT underestimate the devastation this causes.

stuckinaloop31 · 21/07/2017 10:10

I dont think I was thinking at all. I hadnt really reflected until posted on here. Which I have never ever done before. Or anywhere else online for anything.What did your husband do after to help him suss out what was wrong with me? Are you happy together now? How long did that take? I am genuinely just wanting to try and do everything I can do never get back in this situation again.

stuckinaloop31 · 21/07/2017 10:27

(Wrong with him!)

HadronCollider · 21/07/2017 11:15

"I had just been so persistant he felt stuck and couldnt resist" Very niceHmm

This guy is a complete loser and time waster. Not even married, struggles to maintain a long term relationship past a few months, and is flirting around with a married woman and refusing to take any responsibility for his part. You should be having massive red flags OP. Dump his arse. You'll be well rid. Compared to the husband you've got he sounds like a complete tosser. You'd risk everything and this man would dump you on your backside leaving you with nothing. He's definitely not going to take your children on if it all goes belly up, trust me. Dump him brutally, give him the cold shoulder and don't look back. And feel good doing it.

Deadsouls · 21/07/2017 13:42

Oh god, this guy sounds like so emotionally immature.
He's projecting his feelings of guilt onto you because he can't take responsibility for his behaviour.
And then he's making stupid (false) statements (which is actually an opinion), such as 'will power is an infintite resource'. Rubbish. It's something you did together.
Anyway, is the man blocked, how are you getting the messages? And are you getting into a dialogue?

stuckinaloop31 · 21/07/2017 14:15

He text me to say he had decided to fb messenger block me. Thats how got message. Didnt reply. Nothing since. Deleted on fb totally. Have to see him next week at a work away day but friend/colleague I told will be there too and I am going to stick by them and avoid the other man. I think you are right about he cant take responsibility. Was flattering to think of myself as just being so tempting tho when said that in midst of it all when past loop back to flirting/meeting after stopping. Is cringy to read myself write that. So ridiculous. Both of us have been idiots.

Kr1stina · 21/07/2017 14:21

I'm so glad that he's turned out to be a total pillock. It's not very sexy or romantic is it ?

I hope you find the couselling useful to help you work out why you got involved in this in the first place and to put in placebetter coping strategies for next time. Because of course you will meet other men you find attractive, you are married not dead.

stuckinaloop31 · 21/07/2017 14:35

My colleague said exactly the same re counselling. That sussig out how I ended up like this will also help make sure in a month or so i dont forget hes not all that great and backtrack.Doesnt feel likely how I feel today. Good point re others. Hope I just learn from this.

QuentinSummers · 21/07/2017 14:37

I think whoever it was up thread was right when they said you know you can't trust yourself now. So no flirting, no situations that can go too far in future. It's easy to get embroiled in these kind of things without really realising how dangerous it is until it's too late.

HeeeresJohnny · 21/07/2017 14:37

OP, well done coming to the end of this without progressing things further.
It's shit - you're clearly quite aware that it's not a great way to behave - but it happens (to more people than admit it - even the "I'd never do this, you bad woman" brigade). You're taking responsibility. It's ended. Well done.

But now... I predict that you're in a for a bit of a rough ride emotionally for quite some time - so get some strategies in place to get you through. Exercise class, meeting with friends, stick with the counselling, etc... whatever works.

It may feel a bit like drug withdrawal. The guilt may hit you horrendously as you come out of the haze (tolerate and embrace it - it'll help you keep your resolve). As you see OM and yourself move on, you may have more rather than less urges to contact and rekindle because emotionally you may not know what to do without the highs. Things might feel quite flat. Expect it, tolerate it, do NOT act on it. Be prepared that there may be issues/emotions in the last 7 months that you've been masking with this (amazing stuff for avoidance, those highs). You need to let them out and process them somehow without going back to your old strategies. It may take your head a good while to get him out of it. He may pop into your head at times you least expect/want it.

A year down the line, you will probably look back, think "WTF?", and know better than ever how to make sure this doesn't happen again.
Good luck.

HeeeresJohnny · 21/07/2017 14:41

One more thing: be clear in your head that this is ending because YOU want it to. Whatever you felt before, whatever he's said, you are now the one in control. You, not just he, have decreed no contact (beyond the strictly necessary).

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