Dh was on dating sites and now I can't trust him

[Realitea]

Me and dh have been together for ten years. After having children I became so wrapped up in that, I forgot how important it was to do couple stuff. We grew distant and when he suggested we did different activities I'd constantly decline. I then developed anxiety and quite a recluse for a year. Luckily with medication I'm back to myself this year and felt happier.
Then I found out through dh's search history that he no longer found me attractive (he googled that) and I brought it up with him. He said I was so mumsy these days and it's like I'd forgotten who I was. We went for a weekend way, got new clothes, he made me feel wonderful again and we started going out every week. I'd forgotten how good it felt to be a couple and take time for us.
After a month of this happiness, I found a secret email account of his. I googled it and it came up with old ads he'd posted looking for sex. I then logged into this email and saw he'd requested the services of a prostitute. Twice. She hadn't accepted both times but reading exactly what he wanted was absolutely awful.
I confronted him straight away. The more I searched the more I found. Loads of dating sites. Nothing posted from when we'd decided to 'start again'
He said it should just be proof of how unhappy he's been and he was so depressed and unloved. He felt he couldn't talk to me about it and we hadn't had sex for so long he was just driven to it.
I was so hurt but I recognised his needs weren't being met. It doesn't mean I took it lightly but i did agree for us to put it all behind us and start a fresh.
Now today something's come up. He wants to stay at a friends house next weekend after an event nearby to the friend. He's a friend of both of us and it would mean he could have a drink and not have to drive home. I said I just don't trust him. We've been talking all day today about this. I don't think I'm being unreasonable! He said I can stay there too but I just don't want to-I would rather just go home. We did ageee to do as much together as a couple in future so shall I just go? He said as soon as I said he can't stay the night it was like we were going back to how things used to be and he never wants to go back to those dark days of us doing nothing and him not seeing friends etc.
What's everyone's thoughts on all this? He really wants me to stay with him and have a good time with him.

Will you both be going to this event together?

If he wants to have a drink at this event with his friends, he should be able to. Can you be the designated driver for the night?

Yes we're both going together and I can't wait to go but would love to just go home after, whereas he wants to stay late as all his friends from years back will be there.
I don't drive and he thinks by me not wanting to stay over at peoples houses occasionally its boring and one of the fun things we should do together. It is rare that we're invited but still, shouldn't there be some kind of compromise where we book a nearby b&b so we're both happy?

It doesn't sound like your reason for not staying is anything to do with his past. You just don't want to stay. There's no point staying in a B&B because what he wants is to be with his friends and have that atmosphere.
I get how you feel because I am the same - at the end of a night out I want my own space, preferably in my own bed.
If this is a rare night out like this then I think you should agree to stay at the friends.

You are going to the event with your DH and he wants you both to stay at the friend's?

And this has led to you throw into the conversation that you don't trust him?

On this occasion you should go, enjoy the event and stay at the friend's.

Yes I think so too. I might actually quite enjoy it - I do need to try and be fun again after all

He sounds horrible. You sound really down on yourself, like you are the one that has to make all the effort to keep the marriage happy. What does he do to make you feel
special and happy?

If he was feeling neglected, he could have spoke to you instead of seeking out prostitutes. I get the impression you want to take all the blame so you don't have to face his betrayal? Did he even apologise for his actions?

You seem to be taking on all the blame here.
What exactly are YOU supposed to have done wrong?

We grow, we age, we change.
Don't force yourself to be something you are not.

He has said repeatedly its only because he was driven to it that he did it. The years of no connection, no social life, isolation.. I spoke to him about the importance of communication and how it's vital if we carry on together as I thought at the time we were ok. I knew something was missing but not that he was desperately unhappy.
He has apologised a lot but does keep repeating why it happened and even said it would happen to anyone in the same situation. I don't agree with this but I realise without his basic needs being met and by not being able to communicate he was in a bad situation

I agree hatsoncats - I changed when we had children and he didn't. It's nice us being a couple again and I do actually feel happier now but I think it's mainly happier to see he's happy. I was always quite happy with him. There's nothing about him I want to change.
He's asked what about what he needs to change, he's open to that but I couldn't think of anything.
I think his biggest problem is not being able to communicate

There's nothing about him you want to change ?

Blimey....you positively embrace his victim blaming, cheating, sleazy, woman hating persona then ?

You seem to hero worship him. Inexplicably.

Well.. before I knew about what he was up to there was nothing I'd change. I see him differently now. He's not the person I thought he was but we're prepared for one final shot at this. He knows the hurt he's caused and knows the importance of communication. I know the importance of putting our relationship first and is enjoying time together instead of leaving him alone all the time.

< despairs >

I think you're wrong not to suck up a night away given that he hasn't seen these friends for ages.

But... I don't think you shouldn't even still be with him, because he tried to book prostitutes and date other women. (you know he probably did fuck other prostitutes, yes? And even if he didn't, it's bad enough to try to make the booking)

And it's all your fault.

I lived your life for a while, staying with a man who had claimed to have only looked at prostitutes To be fair he never blamed me. But the bit of your life that I have lived? It's the bit where you become angry or upset by everything else, little by little... so when he's in the right, like this night away, you don't want to do it. I started getting really angry over quite minor things - transferring the anger and frustration and sheer devastating sadness of the betrayal onto other things.

Then I dumped his cheating arse and found I was me again: happy, laid back, reasonable...

You haven't resolved his cheating, love - and until you do (by dumping him or genuine contrition and hard work from him to restore trust) your relationship will be a thin veneer of OK, over a pile of steaming shit.

You know that if you go off sex a bit in the future - maybe you'll be ill, maybe stress at work, maybe the menopause for a bit - then he's going to fuck a prostitute again and it'll be your fault? Again.

He really has done a number on you! Does he accept any responsibility for his actions or is it all your fault? Sorry not to address your question, but surely this must not seem right to you? For me, it was the other way round, years of my dh cheating made me subconsciously start to doubt myself.or want to spend time with him. Luckily he didnt dare use my 'faults' as an excuse. We are still together, as well, but he would be out on his ear if he tried that shit as an excuse.

Yes I see your point. I did bring up the 'what ifs' and he just said it wouldn't happen and this was years of feeling ground down that led to it.
He doesn't even believe he's cheated. I said he definitely has.
I believe he is remorseful but yes, the blaming is there. It's all excused because I was the one who wasn't enough fun.
I've told him I can't trust him again immediately and he has to help me feel it again.
God it's such a tough one. It's not easy to leave someone you love.

Today he said it's not like he had a moral choice and he was driven to it and we must never go back to how we were before.
Now I feel if I don't want to do something and he does, I risk him looking elsewhere again.

How can you say:

• he doesn't believe he cheated
• he's remorseful

You can't have both. You know that.

You don't have a cat in hell's chance of ever fixing your relationship and trusting him again, if he can't accept what he did was wrong. And not your fault.

If it wasn't cheating, why wouldn't he do it again?

OK, so now you're getting into why your upset by this night away.

It's because your thought process should be:

• ugh, prefer not to, but hey - that's marriage and he'd do it for me!

But instead it's

• I feel blackmailed into this, because if he doesn't get husband way I'll lose him to dating sites and prostitutes

*his way

I think these 2 situations are completely separate. Take the cheating out of the equation and I think YABU

Yes it does feel like that. If I'm not as outgoing as he is then it's over because he needs fun in his life and for us to be a happy couple..'or else..,'
So I MUST be happy and forget it all - and fast. Because if he's unhappy that's what happens and he has no choice in it apparently!

As for being driven to it...

Funny how he wasn't driven to talking to you about it, insisting on counselling, isn't it?

My XH fucked prostitutes. For a long time, I had no proof. He only looked - was I going to tear up my newborn child's family over that? I couldn't have sex with him though. Made my flesh crawl. He never hassled me - because of course he was getting all that he wanted / paid for.

My point is - I went several years without sex and I was, frankly, gagging for it!!!! Despite that... I never cheated. Don't think many people could be more morally justifiably "driven to it" than me. Still didn't.

Not because I'm some paragon of virtue or unusual moral steel. Because I'm normal. Because actually, no matter how much you are gagging for it - nobody ever died from not having sex.

He's an arsehole, and you know it - but as you've chosen to accept it, it will now leak into your soul in a thousand other ways. Good luck - it's a shit life, and you won't realise just how unhappy you are until you stop accepting it* and feel the weigh lift.

*obviously I think that's through dumping him, but it could be through counselling where he really comes to understand that he has treated you like shit and blamed you for HIS arseholian betrayal

So he chases prostitutes, and you're the one left wdesperately trying to make him happy and not leave you
He's the cheat - yet he keeps the power.
He's not sorry, and if he's not sorry, he will do it again. Plus of course he knows now that he can get away with it.
I predict a worsening of general behaviour towards you too - because he already doesn't respect and love you, and now he knows he can get away with it. If you don't leave him over prostitutes, you're hardly going to leave him over not pulling his weight at home, for example.

You know that he's the cheat yet you're the one who has to kow tow to keep him.

I would just take that, and go to counselling on your own to work through it.

Your DH sounds like a manipulative, selfish tosser.

How would he react if the roles were reversed? Would he say "oh it was my fault because I was depressed and down and my DW did not want to help the relationship and work it out, the poor thing was pushed into looking for sex elsewhere" .

Do you think he would've found that excuse satisfying?