Dh was on dating sites and now I can't trust him

[Realitea]

Me and dh have been together for ten years. After having children I became so wrapped up in that, I forgot how important it was to do couple stuff. We grew distant and when he suggested we did different activities I'd constantly decline. I then developed anxiety and quite a recluse for a year. Luckily with medication I'm back to myself this year and felt happier.
Then I found out through dh's search history that he no longer found me attractive (he googled that) and I brought it up with him. He said I was so mumsy these days and it's like I'd forgotten who I was. We went for a weekend way, got new clothes, he made me feel wonderful again and we started going out every week. I'd forgotten how good it felt to be a couple and take time for us.
After a month of this happiness, I found a secret email account of his. I googled it and it came up with old ads he'd posted looking for sex. I then logged into this email and saw he'd requested the services of a prostitute. Twice. She hadn't accepted both times but reading exactly what he wanted was absolutely awful.
I confronted him straight away. The more I searched the more I found. Loads of dating sites. Nothing posted from when we'd decided to 'start again'
He said it should just be proof of how unhappy he's been and he was so depressed and unloved. He felt he couldn't talk to me about it and we hadn't had sex for so long he was just driven to it.
I was so hurt but I recognised his needs weren't being met. It doesn't mean I took it lightly but i did agree for us to put it all behind us and start a fresh.
Now today something's come up. He wants to stay at a friends house next weekend after an event nearby to the friend. He's a friend of both of us and it would mean he could have a drink and not have to drive home. I said I just don't trust him. We've been talking all day today about this. I don't think I'm being unreasonable! He said I can stay there too but I just don't want to-I would rather just go home. We did ageee to do as much together as a couple in future so shall I just go? He said as soon as I said he can't stay the night it was like we were going back to how things used to be and he never wants to go back to those dark days of us doing nothing and him not seeing friends etc.
What's everyone's thoughts on all this? He really wants me to stay with him and have a good time with him.

Ok I'm seeing the point now. I can see why he felt the need but acting on it the way he did was where his choices came in. He did have a moral choice despite what he said and he obviously felt he had a right to be able to have sex when he needed it so instead of working at it with me he wanted the lazy option. The sleazy option. I doubt he even considered the consequences.
If I had a guarantee that he'd never ever do that again and that he did have morals and commitment to me and actually loved me then it would work but he hasn't really shown that in what he's said so far. I've been pushing him to say these things but he's not voluntarily coming up with it. He thinks I should take the blame, forget about it and be happy so that we can just be happy from now on. I don't think he thinks what he's done is that bad.

There's no way forward with that then is there? You'll have the follow his wishes/rules or be responsible for his indiscretions otherwise?
He's so like my DH!

Well it's about what you think OP, he will do what all cheaters do, deflect blame, minimise and excuse; has he also been with prostitutes or have I read that wrong?

If he thinks he's done nothing wrong then it's ok to give you VD then, it's ok to have himself plastered all over dating sites and to humiliate you and do things behind your back; look to his actions; why are you settling for so little; he can't be that amazing OP.

Personally if I wanted to still try I'd make him live elsewhere and go back to dating, see how he treats me then, he should be doing anything to make you happy; sorry but I don't think he's committed.

I don't think he is either sadly.

My ex H was a bit similar. He used dating sites and paid sex and blamed on me because he wasn't getting enough at home. Only later I realized that he things of me / women as a "serving" partner and this would never change. Normal men don't pay for sex because they respect women in general. My ex H claimed he has changed since, and apologized for everything but I have 0% trust in him.
For example, he would say things: "but I was only texting friends.." then I say that's not texting that's sexting and he then would admit "oh yes, sorry about that, it was wrong".
Or he would add "but I only paid for sex because there wasn't enough at home". Lame excuse... and he hasn't changed really.

I would go to stay at the friends OP but would think about this relationship overall.
As long as you are happy - he is happy.
When you stop being happy, whatever unrelated reason - I think your H will go back to his old ways rather than supporting you through.
Some men are not capable of more.

He messaged one particular prostitute. First in January 2016 which she didn't reply to then again December 2016. She replied to that one but after he told her what he wanted she didn't get back to him again. I've spoken to her and she's gone through her emails and she is sure she didn't meet him. I don't blame her one bit. I disagree with her profession of choice but it's the mugs who pay her who are the problem.
So when she didn't reply, that's when the dating sites started. Looking for 'discrete open minded females for sexy fun.'
That is not the man I love. Not who I thought he was.
I think I got over it too soon initially. I blocked it out and we enjoyed the most amazing time. It was like we'd just met. He was so happy and so was I. But then we went to the pub and this woman approached us who knows him better than she knows me as he goes there a lot. He was blushing around her and acting not quite like himself. 'He fancies her' I thought. Then the next time, he kept pointing out how unattractive her boyfriend was and 'why is she with him' that's when I thought I'd had enough of this. My insecurity got too much and I let all the hurt, tears, anger come out.

Haven't rtft but Ellisandra speaks sense. I've lived this shit existence too. It's soul-destroying

Your mental well being will increase greatly once you show him you're no pushover.

If I was you, instead of contacting his prozzy's, wondering about women approaching him in bars and who he fancies, I'd honestly start to put myself first and decide what it is I want; you seem to be dancing to his tune and basing your own happiness on how happy he is with you; change the dynamic, if nothing else it will give you an ego boost rather than carrying on as the wife who takes all the crap.

Better still get rid of him and find a man that loves only you.

How you felt, like you were dating all over again, is really common, its called 'hysterical bonding'.
Fwiw, you dont have to leave if you dont want to, and can find a path through this that leaves your self esteem intact. But it means accepting he will still cheat, whether you turn a blind eye or not.

What bloody good advice. I have always been thinking I'm happy if he is and never thought of it the other way round.
Also I think he wants to be the powerful one in control and he's lost that now.

But what's strange is that he's never cheated before, he said it's against his morals. I wonder if he feels trapped being married and he's not mature enough to work through feelings and communicate. His excuse is he's still learning, he's never been married before but neither have I and I still know the basic rules of respect!
Definitely hysterical bonding. I was doing everything chump lady described as doing the 'pick me dance'

OP, I'm not married and I've been with my partner 17 years, I'd never dream of doing what your husband has done to you; not trying to score points here, I just think he has minimised and excused his awful treatment of you for so long, you've started to believe it yourself.

If you have no self worth then nobody else will value you either.

If he's never had a consequence of what it would be like to lose you and life pretty much carries on, what exactly is the impotence for him to even try to change?

People like him I'm afraid are born cheats; you don't know he's never cheated before; I bet you never thought you'd catch him contacting prostitutes either.

You could spend hours and hours debating why, what you should be concerning yourself with now is what you do, not his lack of morals.

But what's strange is that he's never cheated before, he said it's against his morals.

Why are you still paying any heed to what comes out of this liar's mouth?

I wonder if he feels trapped being married and he's not mature enough to work through feelings and communicate.

Why are you scrabbling around for excuses for his awful behaviour towards you?

His excuse is he's still learning, he's never been married before but neither have I and I still know the basic rules of respect!

YOU'VE BEEN TOGETHER FOR TEN YEARS. No-one is with someone and still stumbling around doing monogamy 'wrong' due to inexperience after ten fucking years. He's not interested in being monogamous. And he doesn't view you as an equal, not even close.

Your description of his 'apology' was 'I'm sorry but I don't see anything I did was actually my fault and anyone else would have done the same, oh and I'll do it again if you don't do everything I ask, and probably I still will even then because I don't give a shiny shit about you and just want you to stop demanding I expend effort on convincing you I care'.

I'm not making excuses for him I'm just saying what I've had to listen to.

So why does he want to stay with me? I don't get it. Why is he going to go to counselling with me and undergo the biggest humiliation he's ever been through.. for me/us?
Maybe to save embarrassment from others - a failed marriage and people knowing what he did. Having to start again in his own flat. leaving the children because he couldn't contain his sexual urges.
Hmm I think I know why staying with me is a good option now.

You really don't get it?

It suits him, doesn't mean he cares or loves you.

He says he is OP, he's full of it, look to his actions, he's done fuck all yet and most folk do not go ahead with counselling on someone else's insistence, they have to want to, I doubt he even does.

Again, you are constantly second guessing him and giving him ultimate power and I am sure he knows he has you exactly where he wants, you, if it helps, he's probably laughing behind your back, sorry OP, but you have pages of unbiased advice, use it!

It's not sexual urges either unless he needs medical attention, it's choice, he has chosen all this all by himself.

You will have been carrying the burden of keeping him happy, keeping his house clean, mothering his children, supplying blow jobs on tap and to all intents and purposes a handmaid to his mighty cock

No wonder he wants to stay. He doesn't care it's all about him and this set up will destroy what is left of your self respect. As long as he keeps his public persona as Good Guy and you are willing to overlook his sleaziness as "still learning". I would be singing like a fucking canary and telling the world what he has been doing..

I don't think he's laughing behind my back, but I think during the 'hysterical bonding' he was thinking how lucky he was that I didn't chuck him out. Possibly thought 'phew! Got away with that one!'
I think he's now convinced I'll give it another go. Yesterday after taking the dc's to school, while I was in tears, he was walking around whistling and acting like I was being completely over the top and ignoring me.
He doesn't see what he did as cheating or an affair. He said he couldn't have an affair because he never has time! How does that make it better? What a stupid thing to say!
I said if he'd have actually seen the prostitute or anyone else who answered his adverts I would have left but I also said what he's done is as good as. So I've ballsed it up there, he's looking for ways out.

Oh and apparently some woman tried it on with him while he was drunk in a bar. He apparently declined that offer therefore proving what a wonderful man he is.

OP, with the greatest of respect, what you are missing in all of this is:

HE DOES NOT CARE

You don't know who's he's actually shagged either.

He's a liar and a cheat.

Save yourself any more tears and boot him out, he is actually taking the piss.

He probably turned her down because she looked like the back end of a bus, how many others has he pursued himself; honestly OP, you need to detach here, you're actually feeding his shit.

Chumplady on counselling
www.chumplady.com/2014/12/cheaters-therapy-precautions/

That is briliant

Op, read that article and see all the shit you have been yelling yourself laid bare

*telling

So everytime he doesn't want to have sex with you that's the green light for you to go off and be the slut about town with male escorts right?
No I didn't think so.
if he can't behave like a decent human being and deal with problems by talking them through and discussing it with you then he isn't worth shit in my book.

What a good article. Thank you for sending it.
Chump lady might well be what helps me through the next year or so, while I kick his sorry arse out