Dh was on dating sites and now I can't trust him

[Realitea]

Me and dh have been together for ten years. After having children I became so wrapped up in that, I forgot how important it was to do couple stuff. We grew distant and when he suggested we did different activities I'd constantly decline. I then developed anxiety and quite a recluse for a year. Luckily with medication I'm back to myself this year and felt happier.
Then I found out through dh's search history that he no longer found me attractive (he googled that) and I brought it up with him. He said I was so mumsy these days and it's like I'd forgotten who I was. We went for a weekend way, got new clothes, he made me feel wonderful again and we started going out every week. I'd forgotten how good it felt to be a couple and take time for us.
After a month of this happiness, I found a secret email account of his. I googled it and it came up with old ads he'd posted looking for sex. I then logged into this email and saw he'd requested the services of a prostitute. Twice. She hadn't accepted both times but reading exactly what he wanted was absolutely awful.
I confronted him straight away. The more I searched the more I found. Loads of dating sites. Nothing posted from when we'd decided to 'start again'
He said it should just be proof of how unhappy he's been and he was so depressed and unloved. He felt he couldn't talk to me about it and we hadn't had sex for so long he was just driven to it.
I was so hurt but I recognised his needs weren't being met. It doesn't mean I took it lightly but i did agree for us to put it all behind us and start a fresh.
Now today something's come up. He wants to stay at a friends house next weekend after an event nearby to the friend. He's a friend of both of us and it would mean he could have a drink and not have to drive home. I said I just don't trust him. We've been talking all day today about this. I don't think I'm being unreasonable! He said I can stay there too but I just don't want to-I would rather just go home. We did ageee to do as much together as a couple in future so shall I just go? He said as soon as I said he can't stay the night it was like we were going back to how things used to be and he never wants to go back to those dark days of us doing nothing and him not seeing friends etc.
What's everyone's thoughts on all this? He really wants me to stay with him and have a good time with him.

Does he look like George Clooney? I bet not

So you have to be ' perfect' to stop him being unfaithful, come on OP, who can live like this

This is awful. What a fucking prick.

Please look up "the pick me dance" Its exactly what you're doing

Please look up "the pick me dance" Its exactly what you're doing

Just had a look. It's exactly what I'm doing.
I'm confused because we were recommended a book by a counsellor we saw before all this came up and the book says if you meet each other's needs it won't happen. The reason it happens is because one persons needs weren't being met. Simple. So I was ready to accept that and he felt better because it in a way made his behaviour seem logical

I feel sad for you because it feels like youve accepted all of the blame for his previous behavior and now being demeaned into doing what he wants and looking how he wants in order for him not to do it again. Id really think long and hard about this relationship.
Out of interest what is he like with the kids? Did he want kids?

That book was shit

Your counsellor was shit

Entitled behaviour like your husband's behaviour happens for one reason only

Because they want to, they feel they deserve it and that they are better than you

I recommend you go to the Baggage Reclaim website, read it all and then read it again.

Are your needs being met? If not, are you having an affair? What a lot of crap that book sounds.

He's good with the kids. He did want children. He possibly felt rushed into getting married all those years ago. I think deep down he doesn't like to be 'tied down'

Not all my needs were being met but I was generally happy, I felt he was distant and snappy sometimes but I had no idea he was so unhappy. I never once considered an affair. The thought of being with anyone else sexually makes me feel sick.

It's very likely you have been with someone else sexually. Without your knowledge and consent.

Someone who can treat their partner with such contempt has already fucked around. In my opinion.

Make a list op .

• what do I do for DH (include what you mentioned in your post about the way he expects you to dress, act etc)

And

• what does DH do for me

Your DH is basically saying - yes I cheated/chatted to prostitutes but it's your fault and you need to do XYZ and make sure my needs are met and I'm happy or it will happen again.

I take it you didn't drag him down the aisle and force him to marry you

He's an adult and if he was unhappy he should have talked to you, not turn outside of the marriage

I also mustn't keep bringing up how hurt I am about it or he will get dragged down by it and leave.

I think this just says it all
www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-humiliating-dance-of-pick-me/

Is this how you want to live?

Jesus, what a dick.

Tell him to fuck off

I'm glad you've found chumplady. I hope It helps you find the strength to see past this bullshit you're being served up and kick this cheating bully out of your life. Nothing you have done made him go looking for prostitutes. That's entirely on him and his bad character. He should be on his knees apologising to you and begging for another chance.

Listen to chump lady. She speaks sense. Forget all that manpleasing indoctrination you have been fed in the past.

Forget my feminism slant for a moment. I know not everyone is as ardent as I am.

Manpleasing simply does not work

All that happens is you eat shit. Eat more shit. Then they leave you anyway for the feisty 25yo that you used to be.

I'm going to have to talk to him I think. Everything I believed was wrong and I didn't see it before this thread.

That is a good idea. I think when he realises you are starting to see the light it will be very illuminating

So far you have rolled over like a doormat

I'd like to see his smug face when you tell him you are not going to dance to his tune any more.

I reckon you will see the true him when things ate not going his way

If you are brave enough

It's bloody scary. I've had a few panic attacks this afternoon over all this.

Do you have a good female friend you can talk to ?

No matter if you have pretended everything is fine before

Things are not fine. Reach out to someone who will support you. Not your husband....he does not have your best interests at heart

I don't have anyone.