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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dh was on dating sites and now I can't trust him

145 replies

Realitea · 16/07/2017 13:55

Me and dh have been together for ten years. After having children I became so wrapped up in that, I forgot how important it was to do couple stuff. We grew distant and when he suggested we did different activities I'd constantly decline. I then developed anxiety and quite a recluse for a year. Luckily with medication I'm back to myself this year and felt happier.
Then I found out through dh's search history that he no longer found me attractive (he googled that) and I brought it up with him. He said I was so mumsy these days and it's like I'd forgotten who I was. We went for a weekend way, got new clothes, he made me feel wonderful again and we started going out every week. I'd forgotten how good it felt to be a couple and take time for us.
After a month of this happiness, I found a secret email account of his. I googled it and it came up with old ads he'd posted looking for sex. I then logged into this email and saw he'd requested the services of a prostitute. Twice. She hadn't accepted both times but reading exactly what he wanted was absolutely awful.
I confronted him straight away. The more I searched the more I found. Loads of dating sites. Nothing posted from when we'd decided to 'start again'
He said it should just be proof of how unhappy he's been and he was so depressed and unloved. He felt he couldn't talk to me about it and we hadn't had sex for so long he was just driven to it.
I was so hurt but I recognised his needs weren't being met. It doesn't mean I took it lightly but i did agree for us to put it all behind us and start a fresh.
Now today something's come up. He wants to stay at a friends house next weekend after an event nearby to the friend. He's a friend of both of us and it would mean he could have a drink and not have to drive home. I said I just don't trust him. We've been talking all day today about this. I don't think I'm being unreasonable! He said I can stay there too but I just don't want to-I would rather just go home. We did ageee to do as much together as a couple in future so shall I just go? He said as soon as I said he can't stay the night it was like we were going back to how things used to be and he never wants to go back to those dark days of us doing nothing and him not seeing friends etc.
What's everyone's thoughts on all this? He really wants me to stay with him and have a good time with him.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 16/07/2017 17:24

You will be dping the "Pick Me Dance" for the rest of your relationship

Too scared to have a bad day. Always remember to put the lippy on. Never "upset" him. Always put yourself second. Don't put any weight on. Never forget to ask about his day. Always give that blow job.

Grim.

MinorRSole · 16/07/2017 17:29

What a threat. We must never go back to those dark times. In other words, you must never have a bad patch and need support again because he will just cheat on you.

I agree with others, he is an arsehole and you need to get angry!

AnyFucker · 16/07/2017 17:30

I don't believe any man is worth this shit

Original poster

Realitea · 16/07/2017 17:32

Ah shit this is awful.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 16/07/2017 17:37

He is awful.

RickJames · 16/07/2017 17:37

This seems like two different issues. I can sort of understand him googling about relationship going to the dogs and even the dating profile. And then as a result you being awkward (for want of a better word) about social arrangements.

It's the prostitute thing that gets me. Like, have a whirl, see if you get some likes and chats but don't do anything with dating... But the prostitute thing is crossing the line.

Whilst your behaviour (on the face of it) seems strange about the staying over, I totally don't blame you for digging your heels in. Are you worried he'll engineer some swinging?

Anyway, it sounds like you messed up a bit on the relationship - relationships need both people to be present. But he has gone above and beyond messing up though. He just sounds like an entitled sleaze to me. Why didnt he lay it on the line to you? Just say - you need to put more effort in. It's probably better to split up if things have got so bad. Sorry.

Original poster

Realitea · 16/07/2017 17:38

I have agreed we need to be more fun and see each other as a couple, socialise, be up for more stuff instead of saying I don't fancy it. (Like staying at friends house)
I've taken on board I need to eat healthy and not put on weight and at the same time show off my figure more as a lot of my clothes were too frumpy.
To make sure I do little things to show him how means to me (I do that anyway I thought but he brought this one up today)
If things upset me to keep it to myself as most of the time it's not really justified.
More sex
And not bring up his dating site thing because if that keeps being dragged up we can't move on.

OP posts:

MinorRSole · 16/07/2017 17:39

Yes he is awful op but the good news is that you get to put a stop to it. I'm not going to pretend it's easy but it's absolutely worth it.

It's time to end this charade or you will waste more time on this idiot and you will never get that time back.

Gettingonwithit1 · 16/07/2017 17:39

Gosh. He sounds just like my DH who always has a reason to justify his actions. It's always sorry BUT xyz was the cause and that often points the finger at me! Your DH isn't taking responsibility either and that makes it hard to trust again and eats away at the relationship.

PaintingByNumbers · 16/07/2017 17:40

I am so sad for you :(

AnyFucker · 16/07/2017 17:40

Op....don't you see how demeaning that list is ?

MinorRSole · 16/07/2017 17:41

Argh! Are you really going to let him tell you how to eat/dress/behave so that his dick doesn't inadvertently land in a prostitute?! Really op, you are smarter than this

AnyFucker · 16/07/2017 17:43

You have kids, yes ?

What would you say if your dd brought that list home to you and said I have to do all this shit to preserve my relationship with a cheating man ?

What would you say about a son that treated women like this ?

You are teaching them some very damaging lessons

Original poster

Realitea · 16/07/2017 17:43

Thanks Rickjames that's how I felt. I accept I wasn't really present in the marriage for quite a few years. I was upset about the dating sites and we talked. Then a couple of weeks later I found the messages to the prostitute. That's when it got a whole lot worse. It is indeed a line that he crossed. If repulsed me reading the message asking in detail what he wanted.
Why not just say? It's surely not that hard to say 'things are so bad I have to get out' or something. What worries me is that I didn't even see it. I thought we were ok.i knew it was weird we weren't having sex but all that time, like an idiot I thought we were happy.

OP posts:

228agreenend · 16/07/2017 17:46

What do not trust bout staying at a friend's house, when you can also stay there? If it were someone you didn't know, or wasn't invited to stay, I could understand your suspicions. However, he hasn't actually excludd you, and it is with mutual friends.

Original poster

Realitea · 16/07/2017 17:47

That's true I have agreed to stay there with him now unless the shit hits the fan again which it might after the way I feel right now!

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 16/07/2017 17:47

The invite to stay with friends is a complete red herring.

MinorRSole · 16/07/2017 17:50

The invite to stay with friends is a complete red herring.

Absolutely. Who cares about the night out, op has a much bigger problem to deal with

Jermajesty · 16/07/2017 17:51

"I've taken on board I need to eat healthy and not put on weight and at the same time show off my figure more as a lot of my clothes were too frumpy.
To make sure I do little things to show him how means to me (I do that anyway I thought but he brought this one up today)
If things upset me to keep it to myself as most of the time it's not really justified.
More sex
And not bring up his dating site thing because if that keeps being dragged up we can't move on."

And what exactly has he taken on board?

Because it seems to me that you are the one making all the effort here when he was the one who fucked up.

Ellisandra · 16/07/2017 17:51

Please, just think about how he was the one that cheated - yet you're the one that has do everything he wants. Lose weight, dress sexy for him, never say anything about what he did, give him more sex.

There are sometimes threads on here from people asking if their relationship survived cheating. Honestly I'm a bit cynical about those who sat yes. But what they all have in common, is that they said their husband took responsibility, genuinely apologised, and worked really hard to make it better.

I can't quite explain why, but even more than the weight, the clothes, the demands for more sex... the bit that really upset me was you having to do more things to show you love him.

It's just degrading. Why are you the one jumping through hoops, when he's the one looking for prostitutes?

Original poster

Realitea · 16/07/2017 17:58

It really doesn't make sense does it

OP posts:

clumsyduck · 16/07/2017 18:02

I don't understand the night out part your invited to why don't you trust him ?

However that's irrelevant really . I could bang my head against my phone reading your list of what you must do to keep him happy . What does he do for you ? Except try create a version of you that you seem quite uncomfortable with

He's a prick . I know you won't listen but he really is !!

RickJames · 16/07/2017 18:14

Hang on, that list is nonsense! Being present in a relationship has nothing to do with 'showing off your figure. It's about being emotionally there - talking, having sex, doing stuff together, pulling together through life.

And having extra kilos also has nothing to do with it - I presume we are just talking just a bit of chub and not full-on cannot walk/ do stuff.

I'm a bit appalled at that, and I'm quite easy going about stuff.

I think he's trying anything to excuse his immoral, shitty behaviour.

Original poster

Realitea · 16/07/2017 18:25

Yes it's possible. It's all my fault because it's easier that way.
He wants me to be perfect. I try but no one is. I'm a size 12-14. I think I look good but when he pointed out that his previous girlfriends were dancers as if to boast and compare me to them, I felt like no matter what I do (with all of this)it just won't be enough. I'll always be the crappy inferior one he got lumped with. I will slip up at some point. There will be another list of things I'm doing wrong further down the line. I will get hurt again.

OP posts:

Huskylover1 · 16/07/2017 18:50

For perspective, how long did you actually go without sex for? Don't get me wrong, nothing excuses his behaviour. But I could maybe see myself cheating out of sheer desperation, if say, I hadn't had sex for a year. And only then, if I had raised the issue repeatedly with DH and been ignored. He never told you he was unhappy though, did he?
You're not a mind reader!

Did he actually sleep with a prostitute, or just message? Don't suppose you'll ever really know that for sure. I couldn't forgive him that, even if he didn't go through with it.

Regards your size, you sound totally normal!! And I bet he's no fucking Chippendale!

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