Dh was on dating sites and now I can't trust him

[Realitea]

Me and dh have been together for ten years. After having children I became so wrapped up in that, I forgot how important it was to do couple stuff. We grew distant and when he suggested we did different activities I'd constantly decline. I then developed anxiety and quite a recluse for a year. Luckily with medication I'm back to myself this year and felt happier.
Then I found out through dh's search history that he no longer found me attractive (he googled that) and I brought it up with him. He said I was so mumsy these days and it's like I'd forgotten who I was. We went for a weekend way, got new clothes, he made me feel wonderful again and we started going out every week. I'd forgotten how good it felt to be a couple and take time for us.
After a month of this happiness, I found a secret email account of his. I googled it and it came up with old ads he'd posted looking for sex. I then logged into this email and saw he'd requested the services of a prostitute. Twice. She hadn't accepted both times but reading exactly what he wanted was absolutely awful.
I confronted him straight away. The more I searched the more I found. Loads of dating sites. Nothing posted from when we'd decided to 'start again'
He said it should just be proof of how unhappy he's been and he was so depressed and unloved. He felt he couldn't talk to me about it and we hadn't had sex for so long he was just driven to it.
I was so hurt but I recognised his needs weren't being met. It doesn't mean I took it lightly but i did agree for us to put it all behind us and start a fresh.
Now today something's come up. He wants to stay at a friends house next weekend after an event nearby to the friend. He's a friend of both of us and it would mean he could have a drink and not have to drive home. I said I just don't trust him. We've been talking all day today about this. I don't think I'm being unreasonable! He said I can stay there too but I just don't want to-I would rather just go home. We did ageee to do as much together as a couple in future so shall I just go? He said as soon as I said he can't stay the night it was like we were going back to how things used to be and he never wants to go back to those dark days of us doing nothing and him not seeing friends etc.
What's everyone's thoughts on all this? He really wants me to stay with him and have a good time with him.

Why did you stay with your husband when you were having your affair and told him you didn't love him?

Chumplady is very accurate! My DH did this in therapy and the (male) therapist did seem to feel sorry for him and buy his deflections. I was glad to say what i needed to say, but it wasn't successful.

Well the 'affair' lasted all of two or three days before I realised it was my husband I loved and although we were distant I wanted him and no one else. I told him I felt nothing for him because that's just how I felt at the time. We'd grown so distant and I had to be honest. He was upset so he must've felt something for me. I think I was just looking for some emotion from him, anything. He hadn't shown me any affection for so long. I don't think we'd even had sex for a year.
When it came to meeting the person I couldn't go through with it.

I think I was crying out for attention from my husband. When someone else gave me all this flattery I felt something inside come alive again. Finally, someone does actually find me attractive and wants me and says how nice I am. I enjoyed that bit. But I realised those were the things I wanted dh to be saying. Not someone else. I never spoke to the other person again.
Just like dh, I should've spoken to him. But unlike dh no matter how bad things were I would never sleep with someone else.

Perhaps you could think back to what was creating the distance in your relationship?

I got comfortable being married, we took each other for granted. He's a very sociable person and used to having big groups of friends. He was isolated by me. I didn't want to do anything anymore. I was too tired most of the time. I liked having him around but didn't see him us as a couple. Just existing in the same house.
He would drink on his own, was stuck in a job he hated and we didn't talk anymore. We were both so lonely. I also had GAD to top it all off so I'd stay in bed all day sometimes, having panic attacks even if we were staying his family's house. They just thought I was being rude. It wasn't all me though, he'd fly off the handle over small things, he'd never see my point if I was upset about something, he'd never help in the home. His idea of me was someone to look after him and the children. He gave up asking me out eventually. If people invited us to dinner he would say no..she won't do that. She has IBS / GAD / doesn't like staying up late..
So I can see it was crap.
I nearly ended it with him a few years back. I even went to mediation. I can't even remember the main reason now. We've had explosive arguments usually every six months about how rude I am to his family. We'd talk and make up again. Although he would say 'I'm really unhappy in this marriage' I wouldn't listen and he didn't spell it out for me.
So we haven't been happy for a very long time. Everything moved fast since we met. Moved in after six weeks, he immediately became a step father to my ds, married, pregnant immediately after.. then the slump happened. It just got worse since we had dd really. I went all 'Mother Earth' on him and wasn't interested in anything else.
I'm not excusing his behaviour I'm just saying what happened prior to this.

If he wasn't pulling his weight at home, it's not surprising you couldn't be superwoman. But is that still what he expects? If he expects you to do anything, not need support but be sexually and socially available, u
You need uo decide if that's fair and what you want.
I hope you find a way but it doesn't sound like a fulfilling relationship.

It doesn't sound fulfilling for either.

Dead bedrooms suck.

He has been helping at home since we spoke about this around Easter time. We were both a lot happier once we understood each other's needs. Then I found out all this stuff. Once he started helping and being more attentive I was more inclined to have sex and socialise with him. So things were going well.

He was hoping I'd never find out, we'd be this happy newly bonded couple and live happily ever after, since we'd had counselling and understood each other.
Now it's gone back to square one.

Have you both had an sti check up? It does sound very complex but his attitude stinks.

It is very complex and yes his attitude stinks. Until he can accept responsibility nothing can move forward.
Neither of us have had sti check ups. He's adamant he hasn't slept with anyone else and neither have I.

he'd fly off the handle over small things, he'd never see my point if I was upset about something, he'd never help in the home. His idea of me was someone to look after him and the children.

My vagina would have dried up too.

You need to stop seeing it as him 'helping' in the home rather than doing his own share like an adult. And you need to stop buying this bullshit about his 'needs'. The desire for a certain type of sex life obliges no-one to go behind anyone's back. And him not getting whatever he claims he wanted from you, or you not being who he claims he wanted you to be, is no justification for how he has treated you.

Find your self-esteem and your confidence. What did you want to be? Do you see yourself as a person who should change to be exactly whoever he currently feels he wants as a partner? Do you see yourself as a supporting role in his life, with him centre stage?

He's not remotely interested in you being an individual, equal to him, with your own ideas, wants and needs. He sees you as someone to facilitate the idea he has of what he wants his life to be about, with total disregard for anything you might want or think, and is angry that you aren't doing that well enough.

Not that long ago, before all this, We wrote a list of what we both enjoy and our top five needs. They're all exactly the same but in different priorities. We actually like doing the same things. But at the time I wasn't bothered about doing any of them. He wanted me to get back to my old self. And actually I'm grateful to him for that because I'd lost who I was when I had dd. I felt I'd be a bad mum if I went out in the evening or had a weekend away for example. He wants someone he can enjoy life with and we just weren't enjoying anything. So I don't think he was trying to change me.
He does love to blame though. It's always my fault or someone else's fault if things go wrong. He never ever accepts it's him. He's very quick to pull up old 'ammunition' that he has against me if we argue. We agreed to draw a line under everything and start again, staying aware of each other's needs. Then this came out of the closet.

Realitea - I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's shit isn't it? Just remember that you are human, you're a mother. It's only natural to expend lots of your time and effort into your kids. I understand that partners can feel neglected but his 'apology' is questionable and is unwillingness to take full responsibility for his actions are abhorrent. I live with a man like this. It's awful. So bad that I just now do my own thing and couldn't care less what he does. When a partner takes their every wrong action out on you or says things like "I am sorry for what I did but you did x, y, z", they aren't looking for real forgiveness nor to rebuild what has been lost. They are looking for you to back down, over analyse your own flaws and let them off the hook.

This is the dynamic in my relationship. I absolutely hate it but haven't left... yet. Time will tell if I do or don't but as pp said I know what the guy is live with is capable of and I have made a conscious choice to not let his attacks and hostility get to me too much. I hope you can find you're own path through this, I know how isolating it is to have nowhere to turn and you do what you have to do to make your children happy.

Hope you are ok

Thank you I hope you are ok too

Thank you. I've learnt that ignorance is bliss. When we're good it's good, but it's seems like it's only on a superficial level. Doesn't take long for something to crop up though then I'm getting it in the neck for god knows what. Had a set back at the weekend I had the nerve to ask him not to drop the f word in front of our very young kids so now he's all 'I'm sorry' but it's only to keep me sweet so I've distanced myself again.

Your guy may be 'acting' like he cares by going along with counselling etc but I do wonder if he means it. Or whether it will be a place he feels he can bring up how neglectful you've been towards him and how he can tell anyone who cares to listen that his sexual needs weren't being met. From what you've posted about him he sounds like my partner. If so, his attempt at reconciliation will be false because he hasn't joined the emotional dots to realise how badly the trust is broken. It took months for my partner to admit any wrong-doing even after he admitted he slept with other women. He was 'in a bad place' at the time and therefore 'couldn't' see how in the wrong he was! It's bullshit.

They are adult men, they know what is wrong or right, they just bullshit you and you end up believing them because it's easier than facing the truth, the truth is they don't give a shit and will carry on doing what suits them, they don't see themselves in a partnership with equal rights; it's always about their needs, never the woman, if they cheat, it's still your fault; your main job is to serve them, in all aspects, so forget being tired from looking after their kids, it's your job, just like allowing them to pursue sex with other women, that's your fault too.

Until you can actually value and see your own self worth, they will carry on taking and taking and leaving you with massive emotional scars, trying to work out what you can do to make things better.

Best advice: give it up, do your own thing, priorities you over them, you may be pleasantly surprised, and I'd love these men to get a massive kick up their arses. They are not Gods, they are actually weak inadequate men who will never be good enough to be a decent partner, never mind husband.

As adora says. We all need to really read this. I don't think my DH realises he is delusional. He believes his man-child 'justifications' and just doesn't know how to comprehend that his usual tantrum-type behaviour doesn't work it's magic anymore.

How are you OP?