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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh was on dating sites and now I can't trust him

145 replies

Realitea · 16/07/2017 13:55

Me and dh have been together for ten years. After having children I became so wrapped up in that, I forgot how important it was to do couple stuff. We grew distant and when he suggested we did different activities I'd constantly decline. I then developed anxiety and quite a recluse for a year. Luckily with medication I'm back to myself this year and felt happier.
Then I found out through dh's search history that he no longer found me attractive (he googled that) and I brought it up with him. He said I was so mumsy these days and it's like I'd forgotten who I was. We went for a weekend way, got new clothes, he made me feel wonderful again and we started going out every week. I'd forgotten how good it felt to be a couple and take time for us.
After a month of this happiness, I found a secret email account of his. I googled it and it came up with old ads he'd posted looking for sex. I then logged into this email and saw he'd requested the services of a prostitute. Twice. She hadn't accepted both times but reading exactly what he wanted was absolutely awful.
I confronted him straight away. The more I searched the more I found. Loads of dating sites. Nothing posted from when we'd decided to 'start again'
He said it should just be proof of how unhappy he's been and he was so depressed and unloved. He felt he couldn't talk to me about it and we hadn't had sex for so long he was just driven to it.
I was so hurt but I recognised his needs weren't being met. It doesn't mean I took it lightly but i did agree for us to put it all behind us and start a fresh.
Now today something's come up. He wants to stay at a friends house next weekend after an event nearby to the friend. He's a friend of both of us and it would mean he could have a drink and not have to drive home. I said I just don't trust him. We've been talking all day today about this. I don't think I'm being unreasonable! He said I can stay there too but I just don't want to-I would rather just go home. We did ageee to do as much together as a couple in future so shall I just go? He said as soon as I said he can't stay the night it was like we were going back to how things used to be and he never wants to go back to those dark days of us doing nothing and him not seeing friends etc.
What's everyone's thoughts on all this? He really wants me to stay with him and have a good time with him.

OP posts:
Chocolatefudgecake100 · 16/07/2017 21:51

Op you can be strong and you have all of us to support you the second he contacted the prostitute he ended this YOU DESERVE MORE if he was unhappy with a lack of sex he could end it hes a sneaky little prick to be blunt

AnyFucker · 16/07/2017 22:17

Yes, I can see how ypu got to this point with no one on your side

You can stand up for ypurself though. You must be a strong person to have endured this shit so far without plunving a knife in him

Harness it for your own self. Stop putting his needs first. He doesn't give a toss about you.

Original poster
Realitea · 16/07/2017 22:17

Agreed!

OP posts:
MinorRSole · 17/07/2017 22:19

How have things been today op?

Original poster
Realitea · 18/07/2017 08:25

Ive been so angry with him and pretty depressed. He's vowed never to do anything like it again, he's remorseful, he says he loves me and wants it to work with us. I still don't know though.

OP posts:
Dappledsunlight · 18/07/2017 08:49

I would at least show you mean business by insisting on counselling or a temporary separation while he reflects on his behaviour. You have to raise him to YOUR standards, Op, not you having to comply with his requests. Otherwise, it's as if you're both papering over this huge issue of what he did. Ok, he may have had a problem with wanting more fun with you as a couple, but he should have addressed that with you, not taken it outside to pay for it, as if it's a consumer good. His morals are in serious need of an overhaul and I urge you not to miss this opportunity to make him recognise the full extent of the assault on your feelings. There may then be the chance to discuss how to improve things for you as a couple but you should both be attending to each other's needs, not just you making sure he's happy.

ravenmum · 18/07/2017 09:32

What would he have to do to stop you leaving him?
What would he have to do to meet your needs?
If he wanted to leave, why would it be a bad thing? Because he makes you feel so happy, or because you don't want to be dumped?

Original poster
Realitea · 18/07/2017 11:32

We've just had another talk. He is going to go to counselling with me. I have to admit something here. I also had an EA while we were going through our 'bad times' and I've told him all of that too. He's now using that back at me. I guess he can as he wasn't the only one in the wrong.
Ravenmum I asked all those questions to him and I said I feel a twat even considering staying with him at the moment but hopefully the counselling will help as deep down we just want to be happy together. We need to learn how to communicate and quite a lot of other skills for anything to work. I can't throw away ten years and a lovely family for these mistakes. I think if he'd actually met up with the prosititute (and he only didn't because she didn't reply, I know this because I have spoken to her and checked his emails) I would have left him.
I've told him a prostitute is a moral line that has been crossed. He said he doesn't see anything particularly wrong with prostitutes and can't see why it's so different from agreeing to hooking up with someone else who isn't one. I tried to explain to him the difference but when he said that I think I just felt exasperated! He said obviously not for married men to cheat but as a whole he doesn't see what's so bad about them. I know why it was this particular woman.. he has a certain fetish and she lived nearby and offered it. It's something I used to be up for doing when we met but got I bored with it quickly. Still.. he could've just talked about it with me.

OP posts:
Dappledsunlight · 18/07/2017 11:46

That's good to hear you're going to counselling together - sounds like you are both opening up what is a difficult discussion, but this may lead to a more honest relationship. Good luck with it all.

Original poster
Realitea · 18/07/2017 11:49

Thank you Smile I am really impressed he is going to do this as I know he will feel humiliated and very awkward. (Good.) but apart from that it's learning how to communicate and be honest and develop trust again. If this doesn't all work then I'll be out of here!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 18/07/2017 12:15

And that list of ways you have to devalue yourself to pander to him has been metaphorically screwed up and tossed in the bin, right ?

Adora10 · 18/07/2017 12:23

You are married to a sleazy git OP, he will use any excuse to do exactly as he pleases, and blame you for it at the same time. What you uncovered about his secret little life online will be the tip of the iceberg.

PaintingByNumbers · 18/07/2017 12:48

Go into this with your eyes open, this is almost certainly just a very small part of what he has actually been up to, and he isn't genuinely regretful at all, just saying what he needs to, to get you back onboard. My dh is like this, I choose to stay, but I don't kid myself.

Original poster
Realitea · 18/07/2017 12:50

What else could he have been up to? He spends nearly all day every day working with me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Realitea · 18/07/2017 12:55

Apparently I took that list of things too literally and it's not like that. Yes he wants me to be more sociable because he was lonely but the 'what to wear' etc was a bit over the top

OP posts:
Adora10 · 18/07/2017 12:57

Why would he stop OP, he was on every site imaginable from hook ups to prostitutes, secret email accounts, that's just what you uncovered, why would he have even stopped, he's had no consequence and blames you for driving him to it, all absolute shit excuses to carry on being a sleazy git; sorry but that is what he is, he will never change.

Gettingonwithit1 · 18/07/2017 13:26

The arrogance of him is astonishing. He's so in the wrong and you need to change to keep this special man!

Original poster
Realitea · 18/07/2017 13:38

Believe me, I have given him absolute shit over this and I've told him I should be leaving him and I'm stupid not to have already. I am livid with him. Over the past few years we just didn't care any more. Even though we were nice to each other I declined any meals out, socialising, sex.. we both became selfish and drifted apart while still pretending we were fine.
So now I know the reasons why it happened. With this knowledge we could possibly try again. He's going to counselling with me, he wants to know how to improve his dire communication skills and learn how to be a better husband. I don't know if the counsellor can give him any morals but at least he can realise the enormity of all this. And how it's not all my fault at all.

OP posts:
PaintingByNumbers · 18/07/2017 13:47

He doesn't want to learn those things at all, he didn't volunteer earlier did he? He's just trying to fob you off again. It's okay to just face the truth and keep going, you don't have to split up if you don't want to, but he is not contrite and will do it again

Gettingonwithit1 · 18/07/2017 13:50

I understand the need to try. Councelling will give you space to vocalise how you feel and what isn't acceptable.
He needs to stop excusing or justifying himself by passing the blame. He may have had reasons to feel lonely etc. But he's still in control of his actions. Just look after your wellbeing. This sort of man can make you feel crazy!Hmm

Adora10 · 18/07/2017 13:58

You are still full of excuses for him, most married people do not behave the way your husband has, not decent, committed ones anyway. He's used you being busy with the kids to basically go hunting for sex, pretty disgusting, he's probably already known on loads of sites, he has no care to humiliate and demean you; he's a selfish horrible git still blaming you for his own shitty behaviour.

You are clinging on, what happens next time he feels neglected, poor wee him; he has no value or respect for you or the marriage.

Him seeking out sex is NEVER your fault OP, you are still accepting the blame, did you go off and shag anyone, or put yourself all over dating sites, nah, didn't think so.

Original poster
Realitea · 18/07/2017 14:10

I had an emotional affair. I planned to meet the man and eventually decided despite all the problems with dh I couldn't go through with it. I couldn't hurt dh and I wouldn't be able to live with myself. I told dh at the time I didn't love him and if I saw him with another woman I wouldn't feel anything. I was pretty cold too I'd say. Then his shit started up a few months later. The difference is I was offered sex and yes I pondered it but I turned it down whereas he was actively looking in as many places as possible. So I'm not totally innocent am I?

OP posts:
Adora10 · 18/07/2017 14:14

The years of no connection, no social life, isolation.. I spoke to him about the importance of communication and how it's vital if we carry on together as I thought at the time we were ok. I knew something was missing but not that he was desperately unhappy.
He has apologised a lot but does keep repeating why it happened and even said it would happen to anyone in the same situation

He is using all these scenarios as his excuse for what he did, I doubt he will stop OP; it has nothing to do with you, he feels entitled and has no care or respect for any commitment to you. I just don't understand how you can't see it, it's glaringly obvious.

PaintingByNumbers · 18/07/2017 14:21

"I doubt he will stop OP; it has nothing to do with you, he feels entitled and has no care or respect for any commitment to you. I just don't understand how you can't see it, it's glaringly obvious"

This.

Adora10 · 18/07/2017 14:22

Today he said it's not like he had a moral choice and he was driven to it and we must never go back to how we were before.
Now I feel if I don't want to do something and he does, I risk him looking elsewhere again.

Pathetic, I don't know how you could even have any respect for any human being with this answer; I hope you are prepared for more of this OP, I really feel for you, I know you want it to work, but you cant make a person become committed, they either are or they're not, he's actually shouting it from the roof tops that you can't trust him.