Elderly parents can be exasperating

[LovelyBath77]

DH and I both have parents in their 70s.

On one side: have a business they run and premises which means they need to be there full time, they don't need to financially but they do and it seems to cause no end of grief, it is failing and they always have drama about it and how much it costs yet don't seem able to give it up.

Other side: retired but separate and have divorced years ago but continue in a passive aggressive, codependent type way, but seem unable to give each other up and move on. Both have health conditions bit won't manage / go for tests while continuing to share with us the details. Seem to be hoarders and refuse to make lives easier for themselves.

I have got to the stage of finding it all overwhelming and just trying not to get involved when they start about it all. Then feeling guilty. AIBU? And anyone else in the same boat?

bump

It could be so much worse, wait until their health is failing and it will be a whole lot more stressful.
Sorry.

Disengage, it's draining and they're clearly not going to accept your input

I don't think of 70s as elderly!

I think it depends on the individual and their outlook. My parents are in their seventies and they are definitely elderly.

There is a thread somewhere on here about dealing with elderly parents which you should look for. It can be very draining dealing with the elderly when you have their best interests ar heart but they seem determined to make their lives difficult. Ive looked up dealing wuth the elderly and their are sites out there - i think help the aged was one - where they explain why older people behave as they do. It can make it easier to deal with if you have more understanding about why they behave like this. You are not alone.

Can you not hold conversations with them about their various needs and problems. See if you can help out with the business and with the hoarding at the respective houses. Being helpful and co-operartive is much better than "Disengage". Did they "disengage" with you or DP when you were noisy messy children or stroppy teenagers? Try to understand their positions rather than just criticising.

I think the main thing seems to be that neither lot seem to have accepted they are getting older. Which I know is easy for me to say as i'm not there yet. But I think being in denial is adding to the stress as they continue to make things harder.

I spoke to someone who deals with sheltered housing at one point (dad is in there so at least that makes things slightly easier in a way for one of them) and he was saying it is so much easier if they can make changes at this time, as it gets to much harder as they get older, to move etc. I do try and disengage, which is difficult when they try to get me involved in their decisions (recently, that one set take on the lease for their business for the next 7 years, with the expectation that if things change they will be responsible for finding another business to take it over) and in another case, they asked me for advice on taking cancer tests they felt they didn't want to do.

It can feel like dealing with children in a way which is not easy when you also have your own children..

Can you not hold conversations with them about their various needs and problems. See if you can help out with the business and with the hoarding at the respective houses. Being helpful and co-operartive is much better than "Disengage". Did they "disengage" with you or DP when you were noisy messy children or stroppy teenagers? Try to understand their positions rather than just criticising

Frankly, I have tried and just end up getting embroiled with them asking me to decide for them. I feel they need to take responsibility for their own lives and decisions. Practically, I also have my own family to try and support, DH and I also have long term health problems and he is running his business, so I don;t really have the energy and time to spend in their needs. As they are so involved with their own stuff, they have not been there for me for support in the past either so i have grown to learn to live with this.

I think you need to stop thinking of them as elderly parents (seventies is not that old) and stop feeling you have and responsibility towards them, they are adults they can choose how they want to live and behave. The ones with the business may enjoy the drama - some people moan about stuff but actually the everyday dramas are what keep them going. If they want to stop doing it, they can.

Ditto the not quite separated ones. treat them as you would anyone else of any age in a slightly odd relationship - let them get on with it.
Their choice if the go to the doctor with their illnesses - all you can do is say 'I think you should go to the doctor' then change the subject. (Their choice - but your choice whether you have to listen tot heir moans)

They are grown ups - think of how this would be if parents in their seventies had written your post about their adult children, and commented on how they manage their business and their relationships - everyone would tell them to butt out.

The time to be concerned is if you think they are unable to make sensible decisions due to e.g dementia or they are being taken advantage of, then step in to protect them.

Hopefully they have things in place (power of attorney) if this should occur, and they need people to run their lives for them.

Kurri that sounds a sensible approach. I also have a sibling who ives closer and they understand and we would do as you mentioned.

Also, I think they bring the 'elderly' bit on themselves, one in particular keeps saying they are 'old, now'

I'm gobsmacked reading your post bilbodog I can assure you it can be just as draining dealing with the young when you have their best interests at heart but they seem determined to make their lives difficult.

Unless these 'elderly' have dementia they are fully capable of making their own decisions. These may, of course, differ from yours which is perfectly reasonable unless you happen to be an omnipotent know-it-all.

I can't wait for some people on here to get old but unfortunately I will be long gone.

Kuri is right. Unless either of them have lost mental capacity due to dementia/Alzheimers or whatever, they are perfectly capable adults able to make their own decisions. They need to take responsibility for their own actions. Distance yourself a bit and see what happens.

Yes - I think some people rather enjoy the 'old' status But really give yourself a break -unless they are completely infirm, they can look after themselves, you have your own family and worries and they shouldn't be wearing you down at their age. Turn a deaf ear to the moaning and be firm if they are expecting you to run round them unnecessarily in any way.

I'm nearly sixty, and I;m single I don't expect my children to do stuff for me - they have their own lives. Obviously we do stuff together as a family and they often offer help or invite me to things,but it is not expected. And I have power of attorney set up and a will and life insurance (for funeral costs etc) and they all know where all that paperwork is, so should the time come they can take over with as little hassle as possible.

It's all very well to say they're adults and not impaired so should be allowed to get on with it, but as sheltered housing bloke says, now is the time when changes need to be made, because in five years time it may be much more difficult to adapt. Do they have powers of attorney in place? People in their seventies get struck down by strokes all the time.

And of course seventy-something may not be "elderly" for a non-smoker, but for someone who's still smoking (or only quit very recently) then it probably is.

Refusing to face up to situations in a realistic manner is not being an adult. No doubt they'll expect lots of care and input once they can't manage rather than taking responsibility and planning ahead now.

I have tried making suggestions, such as diet changes to help with high blood pressure, when they asked but then they say no, or deny it would be helpful, or they tell me about tests for cancer and then refuse to go to them! Feels like banging my head off a brick wall!

I have got some support from a site called Out of the FOG, which has a section for elderly parents, due to the dysfunctional relationship on one side. That is helpful.

70s is not elderly.

But when I think of the fucking whiny threads, about ooh, I'm 30/40, etc.etc, et fucking cetera on MN, I am not surprised.

I think part of the problem is this insistence that 70+ is not elderly. Of course it is. You may well be active and in good health but you are still coming towards the end of your life and I don't think it's helpful when either parents or children try and deny it.

You have to get harder now as you could be in for 30 years of this. Each year will drain you more. We used to call ours the Dementors because they could suck out your very soul.

Step 1 is less contact
Step 2 is listen but don't engage
Step 3 is stop offering advice or make suggestions
Step 4 is to teach yourself that they are adults, you are not responsible for their happiness and wellbeing
Step 5. To learn That is not selfish to protect your own mental and physical health.

Yes, they can. Both mine are dead though. Died in their late sixties. Both DH's parents have cancer- one terminal, one awaiting results of a procedure that will indicate the stage. One late sixties, one just turned 70.

I would give anything to have my mum's abstruse and quixotic fussiness back in my life. Ditto my dad's curmudgeonly ways.

And MILs terseness and PILs obsession with televised sports are a small burden.

Especially compared with living with imminent death.

I know elderly parents can be a bit trying. It's a walk in the park compared with the grief when they are gone though.

Enjoy every minute while you can.

Yes, sounds very similar to stuff I have read on Out of the FOG (FOG is fear, obligation and guilt btw)

Medium chill - talk about general things like the weather, if anything else raised say things like you are sure they will think of something, rather than do stuff for them or get overly involved)
Low Contact
No contact etc.