Elderly parents can be exasperating

[LovelyBath77]

DH and I both have parents in their 70s.

On one side: have a business they run and premises which means they need to be there full time, they don't need to financially but they do and it seems to cause no end of grief, it is failing and they always have drama about it and how much it costs yet don't seem able to give it up.

Other side: retired but separate and have divorced years ago but continue in a passive aggressive, codependent type way, but seem unable to give each other up and move on. Both have health conditions bit won't manage / go for tests while continuing to share with us the details. Seem to be hoarders and refuse to make lives easier for themselves.

I have got to the stage of finding it all overwhelming and just trying not to get involved when they start about it all. Then feeling guilty. AIBU? And anyone else in the same boat?

70s isn't really elderly unless you want it to be. Through work I see many people 70s and much older with all sorts of health issues who are still active and optimistic about life.

My parents are both in their 70s but seem to want to be considered old and behave in an elderly way. They have been like this for many years. It has become a mindset for them and will never change now.

They are focussed entirely on themselves and health issues. They are constantly at the doctor or looking for reasons to go. It seems to occupy them completely. Yes they have some problems as many people do, but nothing that is so awful that they couldn't enjoy life more with a change of outlook or compromise.

I find them completely draining and negative. We go round in circles over many things, to just health stuff. They don't seem to want solutions, only to go over and over things and visit consultants. But I wonder if this is so that they don't have to take responsibility for their own happiness. They've never got well with each other and this seems to fill the gap.

I will have a look at the Out of the Fog site mentioned. I'm definitely in some sort it fog where they are concerned 😳

How is 70+ not elderly? How long do some of you think you're going to live or stay in good health? It's an age not a personality trait.

My mother is mid 70's and very very opinionated. It's completely draining. She's also absolutely horrible to me. In contrast to you, I couldn't possibly have superior knowledge on anything to her because she is my elder and better. So any helpful comment is ridiculed with disdain. She is also competitive with me. I'm disabled. She makes it clear how ridiculous she thinks my paying for weekly specialist massage/physio when she broke her back (fractured a vertebrae aged 14, which I've been told can affect some people less than breaking a toe) and she never had treatment. And of course I always have to be iller than her and have less energy than her (I have ME/CFS and chronic pain). She used my pregnancy as a moan fest as to how hard her pregnancy with my brother was - and of course sooo much harder than mine. I ended up on crutches, fighting not to be in a wheelchair.

I have never been a moaner. I just get on with things because I cannot change my situation. Complaining leads to further illness and depression. And yet whilst watching me struggle to look after my dd, collapsing and at times unable to move or speak, she tells me how much harder her life was than mine at my age as my father died. Yet she had her physical health. Mental health not so much though, I suppose.

My advice is to put as much distance between you and these people as possible. They are affecting your mental health. I was supposed to be going down to my mother's house with dd, who has broken up from school, and stay for 3 days next week. I'm not going anymore because I had a panic attack about going. I'm really not well ATM and cannot deal with her nastiness when I'm ill and end up in bed through sheer exhaustion of trying to deal with her. .

My dad died when he was 91, my mother is 95 - neither of them considered themselves 'elderly' or behaved in an 'elderly' manner when they were in their seventies, even though they didn't know then how long they would live. Both continued to be very active and have many interests in their seventies and I wouldn't have dreamt of bothering myself about their finances or how they ran their lives, they would have told me not to interfere and that they were quite capable. Their lifetime of experience certainly topped my knowledge on such things anyway.

Sure they had the usual health things that come with getting older, but they dealt with them themselves. My dad got alzheimers when he was in his eighties and that was the time they needed more support, although my mother cope very well with caring for him and arranged all the social services, clinics, day care etc he needed herself, and made decisions regarding his care. We helped with care obviously so she could have a break, but all decisions she made herself up until the end.

OP's parents do not sound as if they are infirm or incapable - one set runs a business. So it's not just about their age, they are clearly not in need of intervention. A people have said - serious illness or incapacity changes things - and that can happen at any age.

The elderly parents thread is very good. Some good advice, but not as well commented on as AIBU.
I can sympathise with everyone on here - have in laws that are 91 in poor health, my own dad is 95 with problems ( although he does live alone and is getting on with it for now) my MIL is a classic narc, always has been and will never change and they fight all the time. FIL is now poorly and not able to do much, we live 30 miles away and my dh is now the only child left to deal with them and the stress of it and he works full time. I try to be supportive but we both feel very tired and a bit tied to them - not a pleasant thing to say, but the constant worry is a strain on all of us and they dont like any change, havent made any real plans for the future ( all council tenants, so they could have moved to smaller places years ago) and generally fight against any help. its all very hard and i cant see things getting better really.
wishing you all good luck with your own worries on this thread. sorry to be negative !

Camera, I think the point being made on this and several other threads, is that, you cannot always enjoy every minute. The worry, frustration and sometime ps unreasonable demands can take their toll.

I lost my Dad and my FiL to cancer and it terrible watching them spend years in pain. I think, looking back, caring for two very different type of people for 20 years into the old age was just as hard as the 6 years caring for the my Dad and FiL

My parents are nearly 93 and 87. They don't see themselves as old, they are perfectly capable of making decisions and, although they are both extremely judgemental, they always have been and ageing hasn't changed them. I wouldn't dream of advising them as they still see me as the baby (nearly 48). They go into town every day - DF has recently accepted that he sometimes needs a wheelchair which DM pushes quite easily. He's annoyed at that lack of dignity but that's it really. I'm surprised that anyone thinks of seventies as being old .... my DM (the younger of the two) is very youthful and it's really odd for me to think that other people see her as an old woman. I suppose in our case it's me who is in denial .....

I find threads like this so frustrating because so many posters seem to see words like 'old' and 'elderly' as personal characteristics rather than a normal life stage. Of course at 70+ you may still be active, energetic, curious, tolerant, eager to learn. I certainly hope to be all of those things. But they won't make me a single day younger. You are still drawing close to the final stages of your life and I don't think it's helpful to pretend otherwise.

Give it 10-20 years and when you're trying to devise ways to get them to remember to take their pills (tricky) or eat enough so they don't lose weight (fucking impossible - it's like dealing with an anorexic teenager, except this is just one lacking appetite) you'll look back on these days fondly. Yes, I speak from experience here.

Or they'll be dead, and you'll long for these days.

My God this thread is really depressing!
I'm 65, and retired about 6 months ago, I try very hard not to be "elderly", but I've become (since retirement) a complete domestic drudge for the entire family, the "interesting activities" i dreamed of doing in retirement are just a distant longing.
I have friends in a similar position, if they are not running around adult children still living at home, they are providing free childcare, for the gc's.
So when I reach 70 I will be a burden on my children and they will advise me how to live my life, because I will be past it.

Heaven help me.

Op butt out and wait until they ask for help

OP I feel for you
I have a whole different set of issues with mine but when they were early 70s part of the problem was that they refused to accept certain things, then went and did the wrong thing, then requested help dealing with their fuck ups.

It's a different set of circumstances but sounds similar.

also sometimes they hate each other and think it's fine to show it in front of me - I don't do a freaking 3 hour round trip to listen to them row but it's taken a lot of not visiting to get that in their heads. Now I'm almost NC with dad so mostly just see mum.

However, they are better about doing things sensibly and also don't ask for help for every little thing.

in general, parents, regardless of age, can be a huge PITA and I'm so relieved I will never be anyone's problem in that way.

I love my mum to bits but she was pretty much raised (in another country) to be a dependent on her man, so I've also had to spend some time training her up to do basic things - like pay bills! - in order to avoid a scenario where dad (who has been ill for years allegedly) dies and then she rings and needs help every five minutes with life's most basic tasks.

She's done really well and now uses the web and stuff so that's a relief. Meanwhile dad worries me now because in spite of his alleged health problems I reckon he'll outlive her and I will have to go NC and it will all just be a nightmare and he won't accept it and try to turn up at home (which he's barred from). Argh.

sorry that was a rant. But just to say - yes, I really hear you on the PITA parents. Distancing might be a tactic.

but I've become (since retirement) a complete domestic drudge for the entire family

Why?

Hazel, i know. Im early 50s and dreading getting older myself.
Both sets of parents , in my case, have always been 'old' - it sounds mean but we're both so fed up with it all and have become the carers.
My inlaws are quite demanding too, its all expected sometimes , they dont seem to appreciate my dh has a full time, v stressful job too and he has really tried to do the right things by them. They are hard work.
We press on however.

I'm so glad not to see mawkish comments re wish I could have my parents back etc on here.

For years, we tried to persuade my mil to go into sheltered accommodation (she was forever falling, we were terrified she would one day take a header down the stairs/lie undiscovered for days.) She now has dementia, so we didn't have to take her out of the house against her will, thank god. She is very well looked after in a home, but a constant worry, nonetheless. She's not near us, having chosen to move near her other DC to help out when younger and fitter.

Point being, she completely refused to have the conversation about housing/medical support when compus mentus, so I feel your pain, OP.

HazelBite you sound like a draining martyr - are you aware of that? It is up to you how you choose to spend your retirement and if you wish to be a drudge that is your call. But reflect on whether this is what you really wish, and if not, take action. Pass agg martyrdom will just irritate you family even if they depend on your services.

Agree with floisme. Being old doesn't come with a defined set of personality traits. Being old just means you've been alive a long time. 70 years is a lot of years. My dad is in his seventies- cycles miles every day, travels a lot- he's still old though.

Just waiting for the marathon comment, although I think the poster who once reckoned her 70 year old nan could leap frog a post box got banned so that's something

Yes, 70 is old, but some people undoubtedly 'enjoy' old age and revel in the excuse to become a demanding hypochondriac who needs looked after while others are resilient and self reliant. I think personality traits can become magnified, good and bad, but certainly my mother, who is mid 70s, still enjoys sport and exercise, volunteers and does not act old. My MIL on the other hand has enjoyed ill health for years.

I get the impression, from a lot of posts on Mumsnet that whilst your elderly parents are useful to you ie providing childcare, a roof over your head, money etc all is fine and dandy.
As soon as a little care and support is required, they are elderly troublesome parents, what to do with them?.
if you have never liked your parents and parents in law this is fine, but i read too many threads on here, that seem to suggest that once the DP's have outlived their usefulness its Brave New World all the way!

The point I'm trying to make is that, if you deny that 70+ is old/elderly, it encourages you to put off doing some of the things that are much better sorted out while you're still in good health. And often, I think, the children can collude with their parents over this. I don't think it's good for either party.

The problem is, most of us expect to be working until we are nearly 70, so it is a bit galling when people who were able to retire on a full final salary pension in their late 50s/early 60s start demanding their rights as an old person from their working full time, frazzled offspring. If you expect to work until you are 70, you really can't see 70 as decrepit.

Hazel, my parents and in laws were helpful with money admittedly ( not huge sums , but generous without us asking or anything) but childcare never ( both sets) and didnt support us with lots of other thing. Very old school, you have kids you look after them. Fair enough though. Very critical at times too.
We are just struggling now with the 3 of them as they dig their heels in so much and we find it hard to do,the right things by them. Its just a constant worry.

It may not be decrepit but let's not pretend it's still young or that your health isn't starting to turn precarious. I'm 'only' 60 (and incidentally still working) and already, in the words of the fabulous Mr Cohen, 'I ache in the places where I used to play'. If they're spending more time at the doctors then maybe, just maybe it's because they can feel their bodies beginning to let them down.

Indeed, but it is how you respond to the little niggles that is key. In general, self reliant people who follow the doctors advice, eat healthily, exercise and maintain a positive outlook are not the subject of their children's complaints on Mumsnet It is the selfish, self absorbed moaners that refuse to help themselves that cause their children to need to vent.

HazelBite, get a grip and don't do any of that stuff except what you enjoy.

floisme - you've put leonard in my head.
lovelybath I looked in the mirror this morning, and there was an old woman there. I might well have to cover up all my mirrors