Elderly parents can be exasperating

[LovelyBath77]

DH and I both have parents in their 70s.

On one side: have a business they run and premises which means they need to be there full time, they don't need to financially but they do and it seems to cause no end of grief, it is failing and they always have drama about it and how much it costs yet don't seem able to give it up.

Other side: retired but separate and have divorced years ago but continue in a passive aggressive, codependent type way, but seem unable to give each other up and move on. Both have health conditions bit won't manage / go for tests while continuing to share with us the details. Seem to be hoarders and refuse to make lives easier for themselves.

I have got to the stage of finding it all overwhelming and just trying not to get involved when they start about it all. Then feeling guilty. AIBU? And anyone else in the same boat?

OP I do sympathise. My parents worked well into their 70s and did very badly at it. They whined at me about my business working and theirs not, until I went in and set them up with new stock, rearranged some systems etc and hoped that would set them on the right path. It didn't, they just assumed it was now my job to pay for everything, do the cleaning, order more stock...
One of them has a serious heart condition and won't hear anyone who tells them that pies three times a week is not a good idea. Difficult adults do not get easier as they age.
I am not in favour of abandoning the elderly once their needs become a burden- I am very supportive to a relative of my husband's who has Alzheimer's, but he was extremely kind to me before his illness and our relationship was good. I also nursed my late MIL before her death and was proud to have been allowed to do so because I loved her and knew that in my place she would have done the same for me. Should most of my in-laws need my help or care in the future, they would have it, no question.
My parents have never missed an opportunity to let me down, humiliate me or take advantage of me. Caring for them when they are elderly and vulnerable would feel to me like an extension of their abuse.

I don't think the OP's problem with her parents has anything to do with their age, I feel she had a problem with then long before they reached their 70's

genuinely i think its a bit like having young adult children. all your worrying will make no difference to the outcome. advice will be ignored so stop giving it.

examples. my dpils got one of those daft equity mortgages. they could easily have sold their house and bought something lovely and had more money in the bank. itold them this twice and never mentoined or thought of it again. they were grown ups.

Yes, it isn't so much to do with age, at all. They have always been like this, well my parents anyway. DH's are a bit more normal.

I have found that anyone, young or old, complaining constantly about their health issues is actually attention seeking or sympathy seeking . But no amount of knowledgable or just plain sensible advice is accepted unless you are a medical professional. So save your breath , give platitudes and sympathy and leave them to it. Otherwise you are left frustrated and angry and no one needs that stress.

Yes, with mine I have my own health issues which they deny, then they share with me that they need tests but don't go. It is very frustrating.

Thankfully my dad would never discuss his health with me, but my mum overshares to quite an alarming degree. Last time she was here, she told me aaaalllll about my father's erectile dysfunction. In front of my children. As she was leaving my 9 year old was asking what Granddad couldn't perform, was it a guitar, because that's really hard?
For that alone I think she needs to be put in a home and forgotten about!

Zippy
Lovelybath - as we are both on another thread together I can categorically state I know you are compassionate, and do certainly not lack empathy

Thanks- I have done a lot of work myself on parenting etc after having children (2 boys, oh no might be a MIL one day! ) along with a friend who was in a similar situation (her parents were alcoholics) so we have been able to support one another.

i think overall, I should have said dysfunctional parents are difficult as they age- that more or less sums it up. You get all the lack of support, boundaries etc plus more angst with the dependancy / ageing thrown in.

I do have my brother being understanding which is a bonus. And learning not to share with those who do not get it is probably not a great idea! Oh well, you live and learn

Note to self- must take care on posting in AIBU.

When you get people telling you you are awful etc, it can be very triggering when you have been brought up being shamed etc. But I guess I need to learn to deal with that.

Or learn to ignore it lovely x

Yes, lots of thread in AIBU basically are a place for others to vent their anger, often it seems they haven't even read the whole post or comments first. it's just when it reminds you it can be hard, and then I get cross with myself for letting it!. Silly, really. At least don;t have to listen to any more such stuff from my parents as NC. Relief.

Yes, that was terrible, what happened to you on AIBU. I'm pleased you moved across here. I guess you have to think that there are posters with 'issues' and feel sorry for them.

And like redshoe says, then ignore them, tbh.

I think it's insightful to think of your parents as people who are dysfunctional, getting older.

Zippy the thing you mentioned in front of the children Totally inappropriate. Out of the FOG site is very good.

Well, I suppose ti teaches a bit of a lesson about maybe not posting on sensitive issues in AIBU. We live and learn

lovely Aibu can be fun for little issues - e.g. is my neighbour a twat ? or parking problems - with mandatory diagram - but mention Mils, step parenting etc. and you get absolutely hammered

Yes maybe stick to little issues in future haha! Interesting isn't it.

ha ha x

Quite a few posters have been saying for a while that behaviour seemingly permitted on AIBU (the fight club mentality) goes right against the supposed ethos of the site ('to make parents' lives easier').

Meanwhile genuine posters like yourself, OP, are left still needing support and sometimes feeling worse about things than when they started.

This comment struck me: divorced years ago but continue in a passive aggressive, codependent type way That on its own must be particularly hard to deal with.

Elderly parents come in all shapes and sizes and it really is not helpful when people say how lovely their 95-year-old parents are and they're still playing bridge, going on cruises and how they would never put their parents in a home.

I have two elderly aunts who are fantastic not just for their age but fantastic anyway. Always have been and in their 90s are well-read, up on current events, dress well etc etc. Otoh mil's dementia rendered her an even more obstreperous person than she was before - she had rages and sudden unreasonable outbursts. Added to which she became doubly incontinent and lost the ability to tell night from day - all usual with advancing dementia. Even if mil had been the nicest woman in the world no one could have looked after her in their home.

Just read your lovely thread, er Lovely, and I have to say the unusual poster was only one goblin amongst lovely, balanced kind and caring posters. Yes it's hard to take when someone sticks the knife in but s/he was far from the norm on your thread.

As for posting in AIBU - for that my dear you need your head tested.

Thanks for great thread. I also don't see 70s as elderly - old (ish), certainly, but elderly to me is late 80s-90s. I think those of us closer to 70 bristle a bit at it being called elderly.

I don't really understand people who think that 70s isn't elderly -In the UK average life expectancy is 81 - it is 83 for women and 79 for men. Obviously some will live longer but others obviously live less so for many 70s is the final decade.

It is a very difficult situation as people who feel fit and well in their 70s often feel no need to put any plans in place. This happened to a close relative of mine who went from very fit (think going to the gym and hiking 5 days a week) and living very independently and driving deteriorated to being confused and bedridden in the space of 18 months.

I found that old age tended to exaggerate traits that were already there. So the "difficult" person lost their social filter and became rude and aggressive whereas the person who always had a pleasant disposition did not.

I asked for the thread title to be changed to elderly dysfunctional parents, but it was too far along, to change.

Yes I think the thing is, we sometimes remember the weird stuff especially when had it in the past, it makes me doubt myself. I am learning AIBU is not the best place for some things. now.

Yes agree that when average life expectancy for men is 79, thinking 70's is not elderly seems delusional.
Of course some people live into their 90s fit and healthy, but they are the exception, not the norm.

Experts are predicting that humans born today will be routinely living to their 120s. The trouble is, of course, that it will not be 120 good years. Possibly 40 of those will be as an old person, with deteriorating health and mental capacity.

Dementia is not in itself life limiting and in the absence of any serious physical ailments people can live for years - decades - in an almost vegetative state.