Elderly parents can be exasperating

[LovelyBath77]

DH and I both have parents in their 70s.

On one side: have a business they run and premises which means they need to be there full time, they don't need to financially but they do and it seems to cause no end of grief, it is failing and they always have drama about it and how much it costs yet don't seem able to give it up.

Other side: retired but separate and have divorced years ago but continue in a passive aggressive, codependent type way, but seem unable to give each other up and move on. Both have health conditions bit won't manage / go for tests while continuing to share with us the details. Seem to be hoarders and refuse to make lives easier for themselves.

I have got to the stage of finding it all overwhelming and just trying not to get involved when they start about it all. Then feeling guilty. AIBU? And anyone else in the same boat?

In general, self reliant people who follow the doctors advice, eat healthily, exercise and maintain a positive outlook are not the subject of their children's complaints on Mumsnet
You missed a word out: lucky.
From what I've seen so far, once you're over , let's say 60, you're playing good health bingo and while there are winners there are plenty of losers too. I've already lost count of friends who've taken pretty good care of themselves but who are already dealing with heart disease, cancer, mobility problems, arthritis. Some are already dead.

Please don't confuse living longer with staying in good health for longer. And if your parents are feeling old at 70+, then maybe it's worth taking it seriously.

For redshoes:
^'Well my friends are gone and my hair is grey.
And I ache in the places where I used to play.
And I'm crazy for love,
but I'm not coming on.'^
Marvellous

It's not the case that once they have lost their usefulness, that's it. they have always been difficult, maybe I shouldn't have focused on the age thing so much. Mine especially.

From trying to sabotage my escape to university, to trying to sabotage my relationship, my mum has been the most difficult and the blame for her divorce with my dad, I am low contact with him and NC with her which has helped a bit recently.

The comment about waiting till the ask for help- well even as a child I was asked to make decisions for them, from asking me to deal with a woman my dad brought home due to her having domestic violence, to being constantly asked to sort out their issues over the years, to being ignored when I left home as if I had abandoned them, and being accused of being at fault and asked to pay for the car being fixed (as on the way to pick me up at uni and it broke down) to being asked to pay for my own Granny's funeral (all this at around 17-18 years old) they have parentified me and my brother.

Add to the mix DH's parents and it is too much! Haha, at least we are at the other end of the country from the others. Although it didn;t stop the police turning up one morning when my dad had gone on holiday from his sheltered housing and there was 'no sign of life' (he has no dementia etc just had;t bothered to let them know where he was going and thought it was hilarious )

Yes, maybe in my case it isn't the age as such, it's adding aging into the dysfunction which is already present.

Glad to hear from some people here who understand. I'll check out the area mentioned, thanks.

Insistence that seventies is not old doesn't really help. Ageing is so variable, you can have a sprightly 90 yr old and a frail 71.

What I have found from my parents is that change can happen very fast. DF was a superfit 72 and dying of cancer at 74. For the last 2 years while he was ill, he was old.

Same for my mum, amazingly fit at 75 last year, she's spent most of this year in and out of hospital since developing an autoimmune condition and now lives downstairs and walks with a Zimmer.

The change from being totally independent, going on holidays and digging the garden was practically overnight for both of them.

Both my parents were and are prone to making decisions, especially about their health that I found bonkers. But in the end I left them to it as neither had dementia and they were old enough to make their own decisions and live with the outcome.

With regard to 'usefulness' - I don;t remember any time mine were useful, no. They have never been left unattended with the DCs. No, sorry, can't remember a time of usefulness, sorry.

Floisme I saw Leonard the last time he was in the uk. he must have been 80ish. he came out on stage and knelt down to sing his first song. I thought he'll struggle to get up - but no - he danced away till midnight. sorry for the de-rail

People in the UK live, on average, 78 years or so. So saying that being in your 70s is "not elderly" is a bit delusional tbh.

I've spent much of today crying . I miss my mum and dad so much.

You missed a word out: lucky.
From what I've seen so far, once you're over , let's say 60, you're playing good health bingo and while there are winners there are plenty of losers too

My dad was terribly, tragically unlucky with his health. It still didn't turn him into a negative, needy whingebag, because that wasn't who he was. He was brave, resilient and kind to the end, hence I never had any need to moan about my elderly dad. My MIL on the other hand is an irritating joy sucker who hasn't been well since 1943.

It isn't the cards you are dealt, it is how you play them that will inform how your family feel about you as you age.

I've spent much of today crying . I miss my mum and dad so much

I wish I could say I had parents like that to miss.

Or- yes, have felt like missed having parents all my life, to be honest. There we go.

Agree that people can go downhill very quickly. My parents died after short illnesses when they had been previously completely healthy.

And as for not smoking, eating benecol, exercise etc etc... well, the pil did it all - not five a day for them, ten a day more like. Mil died at 91 after ten years with senile dementia. Fil is in great physical health at 94. He does not have a clue if it's Christmas or Easter or who his children are. I think it might be better to smoke and drink and eat fry ups and bow out earlier than to preserve yourself in aspic and lose everything to a care home.

My mil is dementor. Its not easy!

LovelyBath I am sorry you are having a hard time. People seem to want to act like all elderly parents selflessly supported their ungrateful spawn. Sadly it is usually more complex and nuanced than that. I think you have to be able to take a step back without being guilty, to preserve your own sanity and enable you to support your own family.

Well I wish you had parents like mine too.

Lady, I couldn't agree more. 66 here and quality rather than quantity is definitely an issue. I had a frank exchange of views with oncologist earlier this year. He wanted me to continue with a drug that would increase the chances of cancer not coming back, but I'd have to take it for five years. And it made me so fucking miserable, depression and anxiety being two of the more common side affects. I decided not to continue.

I think OP has more issues with her parents than their ages. If you're a shit and 20/40, you are likely to be a shit at 70.

To the PP who described herself as a drudge, you really don't need to be, but you know that don't you?

I'm lucky, I've been retired for six years now and I've had a number of acute physical issues, but (so far), no chronic ones.

Having said that DDs partner would go ape shit if, for example, she found me on a ladder using the electronic cutter things to trim the hedged. Mind you, she probably would have done so when i was 55, so more to do with my innate clumsiness than my age

Since the average life expectancy is early to mid 80's, of course 70's is old. But they are adults and as long as they have full capacity, can do what they want.

Just for balance, my FIL has never looked after himself. His wife who did everything right, died pretty young. FIL is still going strong at 90 in spite of his lifestyle.
My DM is in many ways physically well. In her 70's and no issues ever with big killers like cancer and heart disease. But she has lots of issues from sports injuries when she was much younger. These make walking more than just round the supermarket, pretty painful. So she is fairly inactive in comparison to her younger self.

Mind those hedge cutters, user!

Agree that if a person is horrid at 20, they''ll be horrid at 70. In fact people tend to lose their filter as they age so personality traits are enhanced. Groan...

You sound like you just want them to just be 'offed' then perhaps so you can both inherit.

Frankly you sound awful. Maybe it's a cultural thing but you will one day hopefully get to that age.

I do hope your children aren't sharpening their knives as you type.

redshoes I am so envious - and so cross with myself for not trying harder to get a ticket for his last tour. But I did see him a few times in the 70s so I've got that at least. I used to tell people how funny he was and they wouldn't believe me.

To other posters, I am not disputing parents can't be a pain in the arse. I also think older people have a responsibility to try and sort out their affairs while they're still in good health. We've already started thinking about what we can do to try and ease any burden on our son in the future. But I sometimes sense an impatience on threads like this, an unwritten 'Jeez they're only 77, why aren't they out running marathons like that man we saw on the news?' I think we all need to keep it real. Life and good health are very fragile.

"How is 70+ not elderly? How long do some of you think you're going to live or stay in good health?"

My great grandmother lived to 90, my grandmother to 97 and my mother is still going strong at 90 and still lives independently in her own home, though admittedly she does now need some support (cleaner, gardener and someone to change the bed linen each week) as she's not as mobile as she was a few years ago.

I hope to remain active and in good health well into my 80s and, with luck, beyond.

However, I am aware that the house I now live in is unsuitable for a frail elderly person with limited mobility. So, I plan to move house within the next 15 years, by the time I am 75, even if I am fighting fit and still walking 5 miles a day at the time, because I know how ones mobility can become impaired with advancing years and don't want to be stuck in an unsuitable home at a time when moving would then be too much hassle and effort.

Wait until they are in their 90's

You sound like you just want them to just be 'offed' then perhaps so you can both inherit.-

No inheritence involved, sorry

Frankly you sound awful. Maybe it's a cultural thing but you will one day hopefully get to that age-

Hmm, you don't sound like you have had experience of my parents and in laws to be honest

I do hope your children aren't sharpening their knives as you type.-

If anything, it has made me think very carefully about doing things very differently from my own parents, thank you.

Maybe should stick to Out of the the FOG from now on!

Thank you for the more helpful responses.

I feel the same way, 80sMum I hope to keel over when I'm out dancing at 99. But it's probably not going to happen.