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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Elderly parents can be exasperating

135 replies

LovelyBath77 · 16/07/2017 09:57

DH and I both have parents in their 70s.

On one side: have a business they run and premises which means they need to be there full time, they don't need to financially but they do and it seems to cause no end of grief, it is failing and they always have drama about it and how much it costs yet don't seem able to give it up.

Other side: retired but separate and have divorced years ago but continue in a passive aggressive, codependent type way, but seem unable to give each other up and move on. Both have health conditions bit won't manage / go for tests while continuing to share with us the details. Seem to be hoarders and refuse to make lives easier for themselves.

I have got to the stage of finding it all overwhelming and just trying not to get involved when they start about it all. Then feeling guilty. AIBU? And anyone else in the same boat?

OP posts:
VladmirsPoutine · 16/07/2017 18:44

If anyone ever needed a reason to not have children. Here's one!

StormFrontage · 16/07/2017 18:45

Someone's on glue. And it ain't the OP.

Want2bSupermum · 16/07/2017 18:45

I know exactly what you mean. It's tough but you have to be patient. For our parents it's a challenge for them to accept that their health is declining and they are getting closer to the end of their life.

Nydj · 16/07/2017 20:34

VladmirsPoutine, have you read all the OP's posts on this thread? I ask because I can't see where you are getting the information about her motivation from and am just wondering if you are projecting from your own experiences rather than responding to the OP's situation?

OP, I don't have anything constructive to add other than the fact that I too have elderly parents, albeit, ones who I love and have been 'good' parents overall and even so, it is not easy.

Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 16/07/2017 20:34

Vladimirs I don;t think you have any experience of my situation or you would be a bit more understanding. I also don't think children 'owe' their parents just because they happened to give birth to them. Love takes more than that, and trust needs to earnt.

Unless you have experienced things like having your university calling the police and keeping you in your halls of residence as a teen, due to your mother having made threatening phone calls about you, for example, I suggest you butt out.

OP posts:
Luncharmstrong · 16/07/2017 20:45

I still think you are being unkind.
Might your children think the same one day ? Assuming you have some

StormFrontage · 16/07/2017 20:53

OP, your mistake was putting this is AIBU, where the strange forces who cannot read properly lurk.

Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 16/07/2017 20:55

Yes, should maybe ask for it to be moved.

No, hopefully not with my children, as I do not tend to abuse / neglect them in such ways.

OP posts:
StormFrontage · 16/07/2017 21:03

I'd start a new thread in Relationships. They're literate over there. And helpful.

VladmirsPoutine · 16/07/2017 21:04

I don't have any direct experience of what you've gone through because it just so happens I am not you. I am capable of empathy. I do know what it's like to look after elderly parents and also as a side note though the police never rang my halls of residence to protect me from my mother they certainly helped when I was assaulted in my halls.

I've heard it all here now. Due to MN I'd never want to have a boy because MILs are basically satan personified and I wouldn't want any dc just in case I one day become a bother to them. Yes!, you owe them something if they gave birth to you and raised you and supported you.

Just because they are now old is not a reason to be done with them because you find them an inconvenience. You are awful.

Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 16/07/2017 21:04

Have asked for it to be moved to elderly parents, maybe relationships would be better.

Yes some people really don't 'get it' do they!

OP posts:
VladmirsPoutine · 16/07/2017 21:05

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 16/07/2017 21:06

Oh, enough with the 'shaming' Vladamirs, I have had enough of that through my life! Starting to remind me why I am NC with mum again!

Hey maybe Vlad is one of them, wouldn't surprise me, have your children gone NC with you Vlad? Out of interest.

OP posts:
StormFrontage · 16/07/2017 21:06

Yes, that's perfect, thank you.

Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 16/07/2017 21:08

*you owe them something if they gave birth to you and raised you and supported you.

Just because they are now old is not a reason to be done with them because you find them an inconvenience. You are awful*

No, that is not the case at all. Sorry you can;t seem to get it that they didn't. and it isn't 'just because they are old'.

It must be lovely to have no clue

OP posts:
Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 16/07/2017 21:09

I am not you. I am capable of empathy

???

OP posts:
VladmirsPoutine · 16/07/2017 21:13

StormFrontage Brilliant reporting time! Well done!

VladmirsPoutine · 16/07/2017 21:13

It must be lovely to have no clue

Yes, irony is my middle name!

Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 16/07/2017 21:13

It was not Storm who reported.

OP posts:
StormFrontage · 16/07/2017 21:16

I didn't report you telling me to 'fuck off - is that literate enough for you?' I'd have preferred it to stand, personally.

StormFrontage · 16/07/2017 21:17

Honestly, OP, just leave it and go to the other board. Sorry this got derailed Confused

Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 16/07/2017 21:20

I think I will. Storm just reported as thought it was a bit much! I will go where people are a bit less vile.

OP posts:
VladmirsPoutine · 16/07/2017 21:20

Sorry op. My sincerest apologies. I'll get out my violin. You don't deserve this at all.
I'll leave the thread now so you can continue your pity party that your parents are growing old. Bizarre thing that, that people tend to age. But I'll bow out and leave you all to it.

Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 16/07/2017 21:23

It must honestly be so lovely to have never dealt with the stress of such parents over the years. Now I remember why I find Out of the FOG so helpful, as others have experienced the same.

I'm sorry to hear about someone not wanting to have children through fear of being a MIL Hmm but can assure you that is you are kind you will be OK. (although from what I've seen on here it might need a bit of work).

OP posts:
MNHQ
CarolineMumsnet · 16/07/2017 21:25

Hi there OP we will be moving this over to relationships for you shortly Flowers.

For anyone who has found themselves getting a little het up here, can we ask you to remember to post with peace and love in mind, or do feel free take a break from the thread for a while.