30 days no contact

[Songbird86]

Hi all!

Just want to share this because it might be helpful to some of you also experiencing a break up. I have nearly completed 30 days no contact post-break up. (I didn't even know this was a thing until I frantically Googled "how to get your ex back" the minute we'd split)

Not texting or calling him to beg and plead, say "I miss you" and "let's make this work" has, for the first time, left me with my dignity in tact. I gracefully bowed out. And whilst I think of him almost 24 hours a day, I don't act on it. I miss him, but have realised through this process that we were not right for each other and I was hanging onto what the relationship could have been, not what it actually was.

I kept a journal of this experience over the past month and what a ride it's been. It's been really tough to say the least but I am so proud of myself for getting through this. Next 30 days: here I come!

I recommend no contacting for anyone struggling with a break up, no matter which if you ended it.
Xx

Thanks Miracle . Decided to go NC as he kept leading me on, hugging me, telling me my hair smelled great then he'd meet up with her and act like I was crazy for thinking reconciliation was on the cards.

Hello Pogmella. Oh I feel a little ashamed but I also see my Ex on WhatsApp constantly, a couple of weeks ago at 3.30 AM! So I do sympathize. He's not told me about any affair, but the way he's finished with me again, suggests he may be texting other women again.

I do think that they still fall. It's a shame as they can't think, is this split really what is right? They are just running off. But they will feel it I'm sure, when it's way too late to do anything about it.

Yes wouldn't trust maintenance promises, get what you feel you need for the long term. Take your time thinking it over.

Thanks Autumn yeah it's going to land with him one day but he's in the honeymoon period with her atm.

I think I need to divorce for financial reasons and deal with the emotions later. I suppose my worst fear is that if we divorce we can't reconcile but who says?! He didn't act like he was married when we were married so why would he act divorced. There's too much to risk for too little gain.

Miracle you sound so strong, I admire your positivity and feel inspired reading your posts.

I'm feeling so crushed at the moment but am clinging to the knowledge that it will pass and the future is going to be brilliant

Thanks Miracle. He just changes his story slightly every time he's seen her. I know she's trying to get a mortgage on her own so I can just see him clicking that equity from the house might be helpful (he's said I can have it all) and starting to haggle.

Divorce takes ages anyway, right? If this thing burns out by February as I suspect it may we can pause or halt things....

I mean I might not want to pause or halt things but I'll be in a better position to choose what I want than if I don't start stuff.

Sorry- derailing thread slightly.

I keep feeling deal for thinking about him non stop but reminding myself that he doesn't know I am due to NC. Silence is Power is my mantra!

I'd love to think him not knowing if I'm going to divorce Or not is eating him up but also can see he's been on WhatsApp all day with just a few 15min gaps do probably not.

Pogmella, you can take off the last seen option from WhatsApp. This really helped me when I kept religiously checking when he had been online. Gave me quite a bit of freedom and allowed me to not be so focussed on him as I was when I could see his every move

Thanks Toria. He's been saying it's just an emotional affair but some stuff does not add up. Just looked at his Facebook and under security you can see last log in- his was from his iPad in a tiny village near us at 11:30pm.. not from his parents' house.

So it's definitely a sexual affair, will be divorcing for adultery.

The nice thing about NC is that I didn't just ring him or his parents (who are covering for him), I've just had a good long think about what this means and how to proceed.

It's like now I know for sure I can drop all the snooping.

It's been a long night! I haven't cried. I have been picturing it. I'm more jealous about the playfulness and cuddles after than any raunchy sex.

Hi everyone
I felt stronger yesterday. I think because I saw him briefly dropping off our child and he looked less jaunty than normal. I think him looking spruced up and happy has really cut into me. So although only a glimmer it was good to see.

Today I've had a couple of waves of really intense emotions, felt so strongly that my chance of family had been ripped away, and I'm angry! Really angry.

But it subsided now, doing longer runs and am going out tomorrow night! I've actually no one to go with but I don't care! Ex will babysit as there is no one else.

Hope you are all ok?

A goodbye message, that is poignant, good for you though miracle. I might write my own but too angry! I imagine it would help to think about why you would want to end it, what's not working.

Yes you are single! Your life could now go in any direction, but at least it will go in a direction. If he doesn't or can't get his act together it will definitely stagnate. And hold you back. Then you will resent him.

I think my relationship was holding me back. Exhausting. I think he feels it held him back, but I don't think he wants to be really free, just really in charge! He'll probably find a younger woman who thinks he's fantastic. But then she'll want kids and that's what he wants freedom from. He never thinks anything through.

But we must. I'm older, in my 40s, so won't be starting another family. But my life could still be very different, hopefully in a good way!

Hi .Miracle, mine also had a damaged childhood, and he was told recently that his ambivalence and emotional distance was very typical. However he just rejects me, and then is passed on to damage to me and just gets bigger. They have to be recognizing and taking active steps, otherwise there's no point. Like big steps! Time to take control.

He's letting me go now I think. Because I so directly challenged him the last time he broke up and told him it was this unhealthy cycle that was ruining us. Not some big problem he can't even point to. He's so stubborn he insisted it's not him, and now won't go back on his word. Which in a way is a good. It had to go one way or another. Leaves us in a big mess though.

Ha ha that's true you can have another family, I had my youngest at 40, so there you go. Really quick too, does happen. I'm 45 now though... Mind you if we meet another man with kids already we will have a big family!

I'm actually thinking of staying in a hotel tomorrow night. So expensive for one night. But I've had the kids 24/7 and it might just give me some head space, I won't have to come back to the house with Ex there. I could stay at a friends, but I'm doing that next weekend. Of course, Ex might think the worst but while he's been working late and away last few weekends I've no idea where he's stated. Really crap he didn't volunteer the information as, like pogmella it would be good to know who they were with, not to obsess, but to free our minds if hope.

Autumn I was worried I was obsessing and with the tracking/checking being a bit psycho but my counsellet said with everything at risk (my home etc) and the level of deception it's completely understandable. If I'm still doing it in a few weeks when things are hopefully more stable then we'll address it. Made me feel better!

I truly admire the people who have done the 30 days no contact!
Me and my ex like to talk about our daughter but things always end up getting back to us. So for the past week I've kept it just about DD and I've been feeling better!
I know we could contact each other through other people but I just couldn't do that. Pathetic I know. But I'm determined to keep on at this for another week and the week after that too!