30 days no contact

[Songbird86]

Hi all!

Just want to share this because it might be helpful to some of you also experiencing a break up. I have nearly completed 30 days no contact post-break up. (I didn't even know this was a thing until I frantically Googled "how to get your ex back" the minute we'd split)

Not texting or calling him to beg and plead, say "I miss you" and "let's make this work" has, for the first time, left me with my dignity in tact. I gracefully bowed out. And whilst I think of him almost 24 hours a day, I don't act on it. I miss him, but have realised through this process that we were not right for each other and I was hanging onto what the relationship could have been, not what it actually was.

I kept a journal of this experience over the past month and what a ride it's been. It's been really tough to say the least but I am so proud of myself for getting through this. Next 30 days: here I come!

I recommend no contacting for anyone struggling with a break up, no matter which if you ended it.
Xx

Everyone sounds like they are doing well. Toria well done for the birthday! Must have been really hard.

I'm at the point where previously I would have caved and agreed to be more friendly, met up for coffee, and then felt rubbish as there was still no change, and it just kept me wanting the relationship to work, as he was showing me his nice side.

So it is better! I have not caved, I still have to be polite I don't ignore factual texts asking questions re kids, but I'm very short and matter of fact. I've distanced myself.

Just joining y'all Day 1 for me . . . . congrats to those who are making it!

Welcome user some very lovely people here going through the same. I'm day 18, I think!

Yes miracle I can relate to some points
I am clinging to hope this one in particular! At one point, while he was 'conflicted' and not answering me when I asked if he still loved me, he just said 'there is hope'
Aargh! How imbalanced was that!?
I actually bought that at the time, stated, tried to be better, more attractive. He's a good man, I know he didn't mean to consciously give me so little. However the face I stayed was so damaging, with the benefit of hindsight. It just fed into his feeling that I wasn't that worthy, made new insecure, made him feel it wasn't right but that he was staying 'because I needed him'. All so unhealthy!

Whereas hope is not enough. Not nearly. We have to have from them an open conscious decision that they are fully in a relationship with us. Fully! That doesn't mean that either of us are always happy, or fed up, but in it together, working through stuff together. If we've really really got to the end of the road, then together we've actively tried. But removing themselves, that's the end!

• He doesn't want to end the relationship

Yes this too. I have to keep reminding myself of this and be as wary of warm, confusing gestures from him as negative comments.

Apologies for the many typos... !

Bahhhh the no contact was going so well, into the 20's not only have I broken that, I actually went to his and we spent 24 hours together. I don't even know any more, it's so clichéd but despite all his faults I adore him, we just get on so well and physically and humour wise just fit so well.

Sounds odd but with some people like cuddling on a sofa etc, neither can get comfy and feels a bit awkward, I'm 100% me with him and him me.

This truly is like an addiction isn't it I know how much pain he has put me through, likely to in the future, but I can't seem to let go. I can't even blame him for breaking no contact, I sent an email saying "miss you"

Aghhhhh

What is your reason for not being together miracle? Sorry I did scroll quite a long way, but long thread

I think that for mental healths sake I am just going to let it run its course. I am so frigging sick of thinking about him and us. It's even worse when we are no contact. I'm going to think of him as just someone I really really like spending time with and get on with my life, what will be will be.

I get that miracle, it's complicated by the fact you were previously friends. Do you find that other people you would usually go to with your woes just don't get it?

It's not a case of just move on, or forget about him, it's so intense. He has invaded my brain, its just a connection with another human being that I have never had before

Day 2 for me! Sorry proud of myself - baby steps I know.
How is everyone going? we have to talk about DC - so I'm making this 30 Days not strictly no contact, but being 30 days being no talk about us, no crying over him and keeping conversations solely about DC and related manner.
miracle and mrsjohn It's hard isn't it? feel free to vent here (sorry I haven't read 30+ pages so not 100% of your back stories).
Keep up the good work everyone!

It's so much harder when you have DC user sympathies. The father of my children is still very much in my life and has done some crazy things. Thankfully I have zero feelings for him whatsoever and have completely disengaged from his head fuckery, you will get there

Mrs John it's so much harder when it is that passionate.
User - you are on the right track!
Miracle, I know it sounds quite passionate too for you, those swings keep a level of intensity.

I'm also finding this break up 100x harder than the father of my first child. Because it's been very passionate. Also because I took my time, took years, being very careful about who I fell for again.

I found him! He was everything I wanted, and for the first time ever he took a huge load off me, financially, emotionally, incredibly caring, stable, intelligent, good job, great father, interesting, sexy, lovely house. And besotted with me. He chased me for months, and persuaded me to commit, desperate to marry/ live with me.

Then when I did commit, move to his, become pregnant, it all suddenly fell away. Quite a fall! We've been on a cycle of him being ambivalent ever since.

I'm exactly the same miracle! Went from a long relationship (13 years) where I often said to him, that I have deeper conversations at a bus stop than I had with him. He is totally false, no deep emotional connection at all.

Fannied about on old for awhile a number of months after we split, had a few adventures. Met current bloke, it was a very slow burner, but fucking hell we have a connection. When we are together it's intoxicating, when apart, well that's where the difference comes in.

I think unless you experience that deep connection, you don't know how it can fuck with you. I was (pathetically) dismissive of the abused "but I love him" lot . It's crazy, I think having had this experience and in hindsight, mumsnet seems very black and white and ltb.

People and relationships are more complex than that

It was day 4 for me until he messaged today. I sent him a "courtesy" reply. But now feel like I'm back at square 1.

Sohurt Nah, if it was only a polite courtesy reply - doesn't count. You're still on Day 4.

I wouldn't count that either sohurt. For me I don't want to blank him, if he texts me a question, I answer. Messages like 'isn't it a nice day' don't get an answer. We still live together, although he works late every night and we are taking it in turns to go away at weekends.

Struggling with feeling really angry. Really angry! With him basically for leaving me. And not loving me. Or saying it's for the best. No it's not! I just don't know where to put my feelings. I am still running, that helps.

Our young child has disabilities, that is one of the reasons I think that I am so angry. I know it's going to really tough on my own.

So sorry you're feeling like this Autumn. Feel free to PM if you want. Totally know what you're going through (Well not your situation exactly, but you know what I mean.)

Hullo!

I am on day 4 I think. Discovered his affair a month ago and he's left to be with her. We have DD2 so cant go full NC but am limiting to emails about legal proceedings. His number is blocked.

I can see he's on WhatsApp constantly which is so tough- I know he's talking to her. He's not feeling any pain yet because he's distracting himself with her. It's like 6+hrs a day.

Our last emails he suggested we have no legal split docs drawn up but instead he moves the house over to me, promises to pay maintenance and he divorced me in 2yrs. I don't want That, I asked him if there's no hope to Tell me why he was unhappy, and ask for a divorce. He's refused to ask but then emailed an hour or do later to say he would try to explain why he had been unhappy and would email by Friday.

I'm not going to respond. He can pour his heart out.

I found it helped to agree stuff like 'you will respond within 24hrs even if just to say I'll get back to you by x'

Ugh. I think I'm just going to have to divorce him quickly. Worried if he moves in with her he'll back pedal on the house/maintenance.