30 days no contact

[Songbird86]

Hi all!

Just want to share this because it might be helpful to some of you also experiencing a break up. I have nearly completed 30 days no contact post-break up. (I didn't even know this was a thing until I frantically Googled "how to get your ex back" the minute we'd split)

Not texting or calling him to beg and plead, say "I miss you" and "let's make this work" has, for the first time, left me with my dignity in tact. I gracefully bowed out. And whilst I think of him almost 24 hours a day, I don't act on it. I miss him, but have realised through this process that we were not right for each other and I was hanging onto what the relationship could have been, not what it actually was.

I kept a journal of this experience over the past month and what a ride it's been. It's been really tough to say the least but I am so proud of myself for getting through this. Next 30 days: here I come!

I recommend no contacting for anyone struggling with a break up, no matter which if you ended it.
Xx

Say 'ok' rhubarb in response. If they really want to know, they can wait and really talk after 30 days.

Talked
He knows how to press your buttons. Not seeking kind you care if he's rude or not is the best thing

Rhubarb- it is like an addiction, that's exactly right

Another thing my therapist said, is try and remember, he is not your friend

Not showing it should read!! Massive auto correct failure

I can't cope with the pull/push routine that seems to happen. It feels quite humiliating.. yes I know this! I'm always the one soft in the end, as I'm determined at the beginning, then just get worn down, then have the audacity to assume we are back together / affectionate and then get humiliated again. I hate it.

I can't physically move out yet, that's my problem. He can and I wish he would. I've asked him too. I have a few months at least before I can leave. But I will this time even though it's going to involve a huge upheaval, change or area plus schools, and I've no deposit or income! Have a plan though.

In the meantime, the NC is really good. I can't just ignore him, as that's not great, don't want a toxic atmosphere for the kids. But he works really long hours, and we are taking turns having the house for weekends. It's less toxic than the humiliation of constantly running after a man who's ambivalent and continually conflicted about whether he wants to be with me!

Thanks talked you cheered me on, feel more determined.

It doesn't feel like a game this NC, thought it would, its more like a disciplined 'don't keeping giving Ex all the power' reminder! I'm just unavailable.

Am feeling more low today and yesterday though. Ex has Sussex that I'm being really cordial but totally distant. And now doesn't want to seem all over me, so has cut right back on contact.

I know I want out but it still hurts that he isn't begging forgiveness!

Ex has sussed ... not Sussex! And other mistakes!

worried snap! I've been clinging onto those words too, he is definitely not my friend. But he gets a lot if kudos and power from it, everyone around him, including friends and family think he's great! And that I'm difficult...

The push pull does make you feel humiliated
And that know that
Fact

And they know that.
Jesus Christ, I'm not even drunk!

Autumn I bet you actually aren't difficult

Like mine making me out to be some mentalist because I admitted I looked at his bloody Instagram. We are human

Thank you worried! That's helped. I have been wavering about my own worth and whether I am just crap to live with.

It's going to wreck a lot, ending our relationship. And we are compatible people, liked, a lot in common, get on really well day to day, both fancy each other. And I haven't wanted to end it. Ex never says it specifically but always gives me the impression it's me. Says he doesn't want to hurt me, we just don't work. But we do! It's crazy. I once just kept asking but he'd never say. And then... never actually ends it! Grrrr

Day 1 done. Thanks all.
Let's get through tomorrow now...

Worried there's something open and vulnerable about saying you find instagrsm painful. It's human and totally understandable.

He's treating you unkindly when you've admitted you still care and finding it hard to move on! That's not nice.

Thanks autumn you are very right
I don't like to admit that he's not kind, because I do love him so much😢
Mind games are just not fair

Well done rhubarb! 👍

Morning my lovelies!

I've woken up in much better spirits today. Whilst I slept, my brain clearly processed the latest development, and am, once again, feeling stronger and more resolute.

A friend (an old-ex, actually - and no romantic desires on either part - a genuine friend!) rang last night, and we nipped out for a drink and discussed my work dilemma - so all sorted now. That's what a friend does - not leave you dangling. If my ex contacts me - I suspect he will text to ask how I am - I'm going to say that I went out with this person and he helped me sort everything out. I wondered if that would be 'game playing' - but its the truth and quite frankly, I hope it does make him buck his ideas up. I would be his friend, but I clearly have higher standards for what constitutes a friend than I do for what constitutes a lover!

So, I'm not contacting him today - what would be the point? And thats my plan for if he contacts me. And if he doesnt contact me - well, his loss!

Autumn I hope you are feeling a little stronger today. Please be kind to yourself. These guys are NOT our friends. Stringing people along, getting their ego-stroked, not reciprocating, blanking - that's not what a friend would do. If anyone else behaved like that towards you, you'd soon have told them where to go.

I didn't want my relationship to end - but it did. It hurt. Such is life. Prolonging the agony, as my ex has done, was unkind and unnecessary.

Remember that you are a kind person - and the reason you are struggling is because you wouldn't dream of behaving in such a way. For me, it seems such a strange and alien behaviour. Why would anyone deliberately manipulate someone else? How screwed up must they be, to have to hurt someone else to feel better? You are worth so much more!

Good luck today all..stay strong.
So rules of replying to texts (if at all!)
Use less words then him
Non emotive
Friendly?
How long do you leave before reading (if it shows when read) and then how long before replying? We need to get this right.

Morning all. Feeling a bit meh this morning!! You know just aarrggg!!!
Just about to go for a walk that always cheers me up.
science. Glad you are feeling better I love those mornings when you wake up and feel like you've processed stuff! Kind of an invincible feeling! Ben writing that has cheered me up almost like a reminder of how it feels!
Was just routing around for smething and I caught sight of a little hanging plaque my friend gave me it says "Never let anyone dull your sparkle" well it's so true I'm not letting anyone dull mine, might be a little dim but I'm turning it back up!
rhubarb love your name! Welcome to the thread, I recently had some rhubarb gin and it was amazing!! With regards to text messages and replies well yes less emotion, less words and longer length before yiu reply. I guess it all depends where we want to be if we want to be in relationships with these men then we all know that the patterns never change so really it is about completely disengaging until we aren't engaging at all.
How we get to that point is the hardest part. It's almost like we are saying we are already down let's just take another round of their shit to see if we could feel any worse! Boom! And yes new levels of feeling shit! Oh I know next time I won't reply but then we do and boom an even lower level! And the cycle goes on, I've already been through this numerous times I'm kinda on the up now as I'm getting bored of feeling shit!!
Sorry epic rant!!!
Have a good day all xx
talked hope your coffee morning goes well, enjoy! X

Thanks science - feel really low today all of a sudden. Was coping and now I've got this anger that I don't know what to do with! I just feel this is such a waste, he's wasted a large chunk of my life for no good reason. But also why can't I find a decent man, I'm not up for starting again, I'm getting older and too tired to be dating / single parent.

So pleased you are in better spirits, what a brilliant thing to have had an ex be a real friend and show you that you do deserve that. You sound great.

Rhubarb - not friendly if you can help it! I don't wait for most things, but am so busy I've not replied for 1-2 hours. Always just non emotive. I think the idea is for them to actually feel the loss of us, so that if they are truly making a mistake, they don't have us cushioning the blow and staying comfortably half way. It's also for us to become clear headed, to give us time to process it and think so that if we
A) get back together - it is with clearer thinking
B) stay apart, weans us off being dependent on them. Makes us look elsewhere for our needs.

Good luck! To all!

I have been doing this flip flopping for 3 years now. I realise that I have been through all the stages, I've done NC for 30 days before.
I think it's finally realising that I'm not doing this in hope that he will miss me so much He needs me back (he always does)
I need this to finally stop this cycle. I need to move on.

I know many of you aren't in that place right now, but the future just holds more of this pain if we continue.
As soon as you are back in their lives they will go back to the status quo. They have showed us this over and over

Thanks talked, feeling so low about everything today.

That story sounds very similar to mine. Very
Only he's not going to move to New Zealand, I wish he would. Because we work in the same field and even though I don't see him everyday I still have to see him, we still have joint friends, work colleagues. We were friends for years.

Sometimes I just can't believe it all ended up like this.

If your chap is damaged by abuse then it's going to be so hard. Especially if you want to help him. God what a mess for us all. I really hope at least one of us comes out with a happy ending one way or another

Talked..you speak such sense. We all know this stuff but it it reaffirms it when it's spelt out to you. It's dealing with withdrawals and keeping a calm head.
I actually feel quite stressed when I receive texts from him. It throws me. We need to take a step back. Not respond until a proper amount of time has passed. When we have the power, it feels so much better.
These men are clever, I think they detach more easily than women. And throw breadcrumbs. But anything is more attractive if not so available. Must remember that.