30 days no contact

[Songbird86]

Hi all!

Just want to share this because it might be helpful to some of you also experiencing a break up. I have nearly completed 30 days no contact post-break up. (I didn't even know this was a thing until I frantically Googled "how to get your ex back" the minute we'd split)

Not texting or calling him to beg and plead, say "I miss you" and "let's make this work" has, for the first time, left me with my dignity in tact. I gracefully bowed out. And whilst I think of him almost 24 hours a day, I don't act on it. I miss him, but have realised through this process that we were not right for each other and I was hanging onto what the relationship could have been, not what it actually was.

I kept a journal of this experience over the past month and what a ride it's been. It's been really tough to say the least but I am so proud of myself for getting through this. Next 30 days: here I come!

I recommend no contacting for anyone struggling with a break up, no matter which if you ended it.
Xx

You're in that awkward in between nomans land svience where your Ex does enough to keep you in play, but not enough for a relationship. I suppose the question is, what do you want? On what terms? No amount of light chit chat will get you there. You are worth a relationship.

Well, I guess I would have wanted a relationship. But his behaviour has changed my mind. I'm sad about that - I really did think 'he was the one'. However, I'm now coming round to thinking 'he was the one for that moment in time'. Not that I'm even thinking about anyone else in the future - really not interested in going there for a while!!

So, I think it would be too damaging for both of us, even if he did say he wanted to make a go of things - which he doesnt! I think he would make a good friend - based on pre-relationship contact - but he isnt being a friend to me at the moment.

i'm undecided if I should, eventually, call him on that - or just simply let him go without so much as a whimper. Probably the latter actually.

It is interesting to look back over my old posts - I can still remember that intense hurt - really was like a physical sharp pain. Sobbing like my heart was breaking. But now, its more like a dull ache. Flares up occasionally, then subsides. Feel sad, but no tears left.

Overall, a bit like toothache.

Keep on keeping on folks.

Hi all, well it seems we've all had a relapse! Well some of us anyway. Well done to all of you that didn't text. So this morning I thought right I'm just gonna see if he texts back if I just text a normal light hearted text as yesterdays not replied to text was about pinning him down to a time to meet. So I message a picture of my breakfast and say just scoffed that! Straight away I get a yum text back. Then I say Going away at the weekend it's not helping my bikini body. Straight away I get a no it's not is it. So as I thought he will reply to any texts but just not about feelings or us meeting even when he always suggests it first. So that's it for the day now I've not messaged back and don't plan to text any time soon. I can't remember who said it but it's about quality of text. Think that's a really good guide for me, unless I'm getting quality it's just not worth it.

Do you think you've had enough time apart to be friends? As in, do you think that he is able to be a good friend to you, make you feel good?

I know my Ex wants to be friends. However for me I do feel abandoned by him, dumped by the wayside. I couldn't be his friend. His ideal is to have be near, out the house, his friend, and then he can get a younger more care free woman! Who will look up to him and not question him (as I did) or who knows he cheated!

science you are so right about the pain too. Before it was like a ral heart break and now you are right it's just a dull ache! You know it's there but it's not too bad!

autumn - I don't know. I think I'd like him to be a friend - despite his issues and our obvious romantic- incompatibility overall. I guess the test would be, how would I feel if he said he was seeing someone? You would usually be pleased about that for a friend - but I'm not there yet - I'd probably revert to crying stage! So, perhaps too early!

I have maintained contact with all my significant others previously - odd lunch trips, chat if we bump into one another etc (and definitely no romantic ideas on either side there!!). So it is possible. Or at least, I've found it possible. I've said before, I've always felt that just because we didnt work as a couple, doesnt mean we can't be friends. I might think they're a knob at times, but they're no longer my problem!

talked I just failed dismally.

I just left a message on his answer phone. I suspect he just let me go straight to answerphone, the same as i did to him the other day.

my argument (with myself) was that if he could vent about work to me, then I should be able to do the same with him.

now of course, i've given him the power completely as i wait to see if he'll deign to respond.

what a bloody idiot i am. after all my so called strength not a matter of hours ago.

it doesnt hurt like before - that remains true - but i could bloody kick myself. how stupid am i.

ok....try to take back control. this could be deemed an exercise in seeing if this has the possibilities of being a reciprocal friendship, of if it really is just him using me.

(I know, we all know the answer to that one - however, i clearly need lots of evidence before it finally goes in)

science Rome wasn't built in a day! I suspect we are all going to make decisions we regret and lots of mistakes we wish we hadn't but eventually we will not want to do it anymore! The pain just lessons and then it just turns into a disappointment then a sadness then an acceptance. Then we will wonder what the hell we ever saw in them!
Another quote today I saw and thought how true!
Never get mad at someone for being who they've always been. Be upset with yourself for not coming to terms with it sooner.

This is a great thread. Same story as most of you here. Trying to detach. Not play games. But it feels like an addiction.,
Day 1 for me today...can I join and find support with my withdrawal symptoms?

Thankyou! Any advice on getting through the first few days? Determined to move on and get him out of my head..I think small targets are the way forward.
If he texts..do I just not respond? Should I even not read his texts? I can't cope with the pull/push routine that seems to happen. It feels quite humiliating..

I'm so bloody cross with myself. And with him. Its just bloody rude and unfair.

I know I've said this before, but this is it!!!

I no longer care if he is bloody hurting and this is his way of protecting himself. I no longer care if he wants to be bloody friends. This just isnt on!

Don't look at caving as a failure.
The feeling of being out of control is horrible, but it points out the staggering fact that these guys in all of these cases either don't respond or nominally respond.
Blocking a number is a good thing. I think it's worth it. Block and delete.
I've finally done it, god knows if I'll undo it.
But I can't sit there jumping too, every fucking time. Because that's what happens.
They are on their own now, what ever issues they have they have to deal with them on their own.
They don't deserve us "being there" for them

Thankyou for this. If a text comes through saying 'how are things?'. It will be a three word text like that...how to respond if at all?
Any ideas?

You're right...it's learning how to stop 'jumping' when they ask...it's so so hard.

I got a bit mental at checking Instagram. I asked him to make it private and all he said was, why the hell are you looking at it, just don't.
Anyone who was kind would know how hard that is to do. So he blocked me and carried on posting, which I can see obviously, as it's like Twitter, open to the public on google!!
I'm going to try and not look, his birthday will be hard though
Ugh. Starting to feel fucking angry now.

Talked, good you've got something on tomorrow to take your mind off it.

Science- don't be cross with yourself, you're only human

Rhubarb- do you need to reply at all? Why does he want to know how you are, is it because he cares or just to reel you in?

Talked
That sounds like a great productive day!
I'm not sure you should even have a (if I will ever see you again?) On your text, it's opening you up, he says yes and you're back in his claws and you're hurt badly, he says no and you're hurt badly, he doesn't reply and you're hurt badly

I feel like I've spent hours thinking about the birthday present, give in person. Send it, meet for a drink to give it, get a colleague to drop it. Send a birthday message, don't send one. Etc etc
My therapist said REALLY THINK about which is best for you. Not what you might want to do, but imagine if you were a friend of yours, what would your friend think was best for you.
I am thinking, get colleague to drop present off. Don't unblock, I won't even know if he likes it or not,
all I want is for him to LOVE it. So maybe he might love me properly.
This is not going to happen, no matter how much I want it to.

Yes just trying to reel me in. Keep me interested.
I feel like his emotional crutch. He takes a lot but gives little back. I need to stop the cycle. It's hard I feel addicted.

To all of you going through this sending massive hugs. Xxx