30 days no contact

[Songbird86]

Hi all!

Just want to share this because it might be helpful to some of you also experiencing a break up. I have nearly completed 30 days no contact post-break up. (I didn't even know this was a thing until I frantically Googled "how to get your ex back" the minute we'd split)

Not texting or calling him to beg and plead, say "I miss you" and "let's make this work" has, for the first time, left me with my dignity in tact. I gracefully bowed out. And whilst I think of him almost 24 hours a day, I don't act on it. I miss him, but have realised through this process that we were not right for each other and I was hanging onto what the relationship could have been, not what it actually was.

I kept a journal of this experience over the past month and what a ride it's been. It's been really tough to say the least but I am so proud of myself for getting through this. Next 30 days: here I come!

I recommend no contacting for anyone struggling with a break up, no matter which if you ended it.
Xx

talked Yes I think you've nailed it. I think it is quite sad that he is going to go back to his old life of being alone at home after work, watching tv etc.. He seemed to rarely go out with anyone - was very much into living-for-work. I think he was scared of his feelings.

For me, even though our relationship was doomed on so many levels, I think it has opened up my possibilities - suddenly i remembered that actually, i missed sex! i missed companionship. it made me realise that i have old-issues that need resolving. so, whilst it hurts like hell at the moment, at some point in the future, i hope to emerge knowing a little more about myself, and acknowledge my feelings. I buried them in my marriage for so long, that it is quite good to know they are there somewhere. i said previously, i now just need to regulate them - well, i think this is what this phase is all about. and it is just a phase.

so, im still ignoring him, even though he hasnt contacted me bastard better contact me so i can do it for real!!

worried yes I can identify with the 'not wanting to hurt you anymore'. I hate it! Indulgent crap. It's as if they are totally letting themselves off the hook of responsibility, by appearing so responsible! Aarghhh hate that!

talked your ex still is attached to you!

The one texting about the weekend....

Also a bit of a science geek.

talked Not divorced - I've said I want to separate - we havent slept together for years and have only superficial intimacy. He knows about this other guy, so he knows I'm quite serious - and he knows the only reason I havent walked out already is because of our child (SEN) - they need stability. Finances are messy and are going to take a while to sort out before I can take the leap. Meanwhile, we share the house, on the outside, act like a family - but are certainly not what I realise husband and wife should be. I have wondered if it could come back from where it is - but I think I hold too much resentment for old issues. I like him - he's a good man - but i dont love him.

I never so much as looked elsewhere in my entire marriage - and this guy was the first new relationship. It has underlined what was missing from my marriage.

talked Again, you've hit the nail on the head. Lonely. We live in the same house yet I feel lonely. I have filled my days with work, my childs needs, exercise, study - but actually, I'm lonely. This new guy contacted me all the time - he showed me the intimacy that was missing from my marriage. Of course, it turns out that this wasnt real either - but it has opened my eyes to the potential!

Trying to stay strong - a mountain of work to get through! The bastard still hasnt rung me - how can I ignore him if he doesnt bloody contact me .

For clarity - we don't even sleep in the same room - havent for over a decade! I am an early bird - start my day before the sun rises, he is a night owl, in his bed for only a few hours when I wake up in mine! I spend hours of my day on my own.

Bugger. I miss that intimacy the new guy gave me. I won't give in this time (brave face). But I so miss it.

I have good friends, hobbies, work, exercise - you name it, I try to tick the boxes for things I can do to alleviate the feeling. But I am lonely.

Talked how have you got on?
I've been to see my therapist today it was an emotional session! She seems to think that keeping in touch with him is just about keeping the lid on my emotional state . I'm dealing with quite a bit in my life at the minute and he is a sort of release/addiction that weirdly is helping me cope. However she also said he's a form of self harm as he's not meeting my needs! So I think I need to ween myself off of him and concentrate on sorting out the real problems! Even though it's been two years we are essentially just friends with benefits we just happen to message and sext each other all day every day and meet up a few times a week! A very self indulgent post 😱

@ELR
She's absolutely right btw
It is a form of self harm, and by keeping him in your life you're not letting yourself deal with the bigger issues.
I think that goes for all of us!

I know what you mean it's like a compulsion!!! I've downloaded the keep app onto my phone you can write lists and notes etc. When he messages something that I want to reply in an emotional way to I have written it down on the app sort of like a draft. It feels like I'm still saying the words but at least not to him, often then the need passes and I re read and think wtf!! Then I delete! I e also got a few cheesy emotional quotes on my phone and I read them a few times a day. These are my favourites:

"It's a crucial moment in life when you are finally tired of your own bullshit'

"There's so much I wanna say but nah..."

"Unfuck yourself. Be who you were before all that stuff happened that dimmed your fucking shine."

I've found though that seeing my therapist is almost like opening Pandora's box now I am aware of some of my behaviours and why and that I'm not happy it's really hard to not unknown everything! Before it felt like I could just bumble along in an unknowing kind of trance but everything just feels so raw and hard now!

I think it's almost like an addiction
You get the rush, then you hit a massive low and instead of working through the low, we just need another fix.
But the fix isn't permanent, ergo we go back

oh my goodness, you are all describing me/my life! Thank you guys for making me feel that its not just me!

Can I whisper that he rang......and i let it go to voice mail........

Yes 'Keep' a yellow square with a light bulb on it. You can make shopping list too which is great when you go to the supermarket it also saves links etc I really like it.

Well done science
talked what to do next we'll how about just chat on here! It will at least stop me obsessing and looking at my phone! Stupidly sent a message to him about meeting Wednesday, no reply!!! Kinda new he wouldn't but h I don't know!! To be honest the pain is less I'm kinda immune to it now!