30 days no contact

[Songbird86]

Hi all!

Just want to share this because it might be helpful to some of you also experiencing a break up. I have nearly completed 30 days no contact post-break up. (I didn't even know this was a thing until I frantically Googled "how to get your ex back" the minute we'd split)

Not texting or calling him to beg and plead, say "I miss you" and "let's make this work" has, for the first time, left me with my dignity in tact. I gracefully bowed out. And whilst I think of him almost 24 hours a day, I don't act on it. I miss him, but have realised through this process that we were not right for each other and I was hanging onto what the relationship could have been, not what it actually was.

I kept a journal of this experience over the past month and what a ride it's been. It's been really tough to say the least but I am so proud of myself for getting through this. Next 30 days: here I come!

I recommend no contacting for anyone struggling with a break up, no matter which if you ended it.
Xx

I can relate Autumn. Everyone we would sit up he would tell me he see us as really good mates, the spark just isn't there etc etc and then as soon as I try and move on with my life he claims it's just his issues and that he overthinks everything and this is why he ended it. Then claiming it's just his overthinking and when he has time apart he then realises that we are great together. This has happened 3 or 4 times now and I have said to him before if you are over thinking things then why don't you just tell yourself "things are good I'm overthinking" but he can't give me an answer. Now it just feels like it's an excuse for his behaviour and I just don't know how many times I'm expected to take him back.
It baffles me completely as personally I just don't see how you can be that unsure about someone.
When you break up with someone you are assessing their assets, morals, them as a whole person and how they make you feel and add to your life and then deciding "yep, my life is better off without this person in it"
To me that's such a massive decision and I just don't understand how people manage to flit between it so easily within such a small amount of time.
Hope we are all having a nice Sunday. Struggling today but trying to keep busy x

"Everytime we would break up" even. Autocorrect!

I need to come back on here, was here at the beginning (name change)
But I am seriously suffering.
We were back in contact and now he's ended it for good.
Last time I ended it, then I got dragged back in.
I really don't think I could feel any lower. Thinking about gettting some anti depressants as I am finding it massively hard to cope.
Just feel constantly sick that it's finally the end and he can't go on like this anymore

To everyone else who has done so well.
I also feel such an utter failure that I let him back in and let him give me hope.

He knew I wanted that hope and now he's apparently being grown up ending it all.
How do I ever get over this, I feel so utterly damaged and crushed by it all.

I sent an email today about some practical things and he's not replied, so clearly he is sticking to ignoring me. 😢

worried You are not a failure! You are clearly a kind and generous person.

How to get over this? If only I had the answer! I think its that old cliche time, patience and bloody-mindedness. For every step you move forwards, some days you will move back - but you will move forward eventually.

Yes, it hurts. I understand the depths of your pain - but you can do this. Be kind to yourself.

worried no not a failure at all. I did this too. My Ex is the one who ends things, however one time I did, he'd cheated on me. I was strong, adamant, ready to go.

He had to work for months to get me back. I was so careful, took my time. Then got back with him and we were really happy. And then like a bolt from the blue he ended things again. I can't tell you how devastated I felt too, it's like you put in more trust than normal, so the fall is greater. Sorry you feel like this.

toria really clicks with me too, your situation. In fact I read somewhere that love was a choice, more than a feeling. Past the infatuation stage, you choose to stick with someone or you don't. It's that simple. Minor things are not reason to keep changing your mind.

With me, I'd say Exes flip flopping was THE single problem for us. Not any vague imagined reason. Him. His fickleness. Our couple therapist clearly pointed that out to him and said he should get therapy himself to deal with it. Didn't work! I agreed to get together with him last October for 6 months, but on one condition. He didn't break up our relationship in that time. Guess what happened last February and last week...

The flip flopping is the hardest thing
Constantly giving you hope.
It's so unbelievably cruel

worried don't worry about sending the email. If it's any consolation you are not alone. My Ex ended it last week, devastated, again, this NC is really helping though. Would you restart day One?

Yes I need to restart, glad it's helping you. Over the years I've managed to do a month before, then he got in contact with me.
Ugh all those wasted years. And all that love I had for him
It just makes me feel so fucking sad.
It's his birthday soon, a big one. I bought a present for him. I don't know if I should give it, not give it, send it, wish him happy birthday
I wonder if he's spending this much time and energy on such thoughts
Today I thought even if he did contact me, he doesn't deserve my love. But it's still so hard that someone you truly believed loved you, just doesn't

When are all these birthdays coming up? If we all know the dates we can support one another. Mine's next Tuesday 26th. I'm even debating whether to send a text let alone a card or gift, but I really want to. It will be 30 days no contact on 30th September so it seems such a shame to ruin that 4 days before but I just can't imagine not wishing him a happy birthday! Also I haven't heard from him in a week so with his texts getting fewer it's making me want to find an excuse to reach out!
For some reason the last couple of days have been a lot tougher.
Somedays I just can't ever imagine being free from this.

I dreamt of him last night, woke up reaching out for him, to speak to him, to touch him.

One step forward, two ateps back.

I'm better in the day time these days. Sometimes the sense of loss is v difficult though.

Off to try to give my head a wobble!

Molly I was wondering how you were doing. How far NC are you now?
I hate those moments that really catch you out. It's all part of the process and definitely shouldn't be thought of as a step back! I'm also better in the days. Early mornings and late nights are the hardest for me.

Thanks for thinking of me xx and good morning both
7 weeks since breakup tomorrow and went NC pretty much straight away
I know I'm getting better. It's just so slow.

On the bright side, I've stopped beating myself up (mostly) for how I handled the breakup chat (basically ran away) and also for ever getting together with him in the first place.
It was a lovely year.

Bittersweet.

So, he contacted me Friday and Saturday (phone) - both nice chats, nothing heavy, although he made a few 'in jokes' again (there is the hook!). Following on from Saturday conversation, I sent a very short text Sunday night - he replied and started a txt conversation - so i rang him as it was easier than responding by text - so he ignored my call.

I'm going to just ignore him now - if he rings i'm not going to answer. He wants to be 'friends' - but this isnt my idea of friendship. Nevermind doing this to someone you profess to having cared about.

Thinking of you all too. Let's make it an no text day!

I've been successful in only replying to direct requests about the kids, and always putting less in my text than he does. Ignored any other text or communication. It was hard at first but feel much more in control now. Still feel crap though. Faking it to make it!

Birthdays that's hard, our child's birthday is coming up soon too. Realiy don't know how to play that one.

science he sounds like he talks to you until he feels secure that you are still 'his' emotionally, but not actually interested in more, as it's pretty mean to ignore your call. That must hit your self esteem.
talked some useful advice, thanks! You are doing well, don't text today! I promise I won't if you won't!
molly you are getting better, early days, 7 weeks is still fresh, especially with bittersweet feelings.
toria late nights are really hard, I agree, feels really quiet and empty.
Wish I could envision myself with someone else! Can only think of Ex by my side still.

Yeah birthdays are a killer. Maybe because we are good nice people we find it hard to ignore them.
But a short message is a good idea. Though trying not to get involved in further conversation is hard.
Toria- I remember your other thread, you've done so well.
I've been thinking, we are grieving And missing the loss of the past, and the hope of the future. But are we actually missing what we have right now? Because right now is shit, and I don't want anymore of what I have right now.
I hold onto the hope that everything gets better and we all deserve to have someone in our lives that truly loves us. And if we don't find that, being on our own is better that THIS!!

Good plan on the no text day Autumn. We can report back tonight on how we've got on x

autumn you are quite right. of course he gets someone to talk about his day to - but offers me (less than) nothing in return. of course, im happy to be an ear for a friend - but he isnt quite a friend yet, and I am aware i am being used.

so, the plan is to ignore his next call - of course, that assumes he'll call :) Here I am, feeling all determined, and he hasnt called!!!

Don't text!
I just got an email saying all kinds of stuff about letting me go, and he doesn't want to hurt me anymore etc etc
If you hadn't wanted to fucking hurt me why did you put me through all this fucking shit for so long.
I just really don't understand why people can't be honest. I really don't