30 days no contact

[Songbird86]

Hi all!

Just want to share this because it might be helpful to some of you also experiencing a break up. I have nearly completed 30 days no contact post-break up. (I didn't even know this was a thing until I frantically Googled "how to get your ex back" the minute we'd split)

Not texting or calling him to beg and plead, say "I miss you" and "let's make this work" has, for the first time, left me with my dignity in tact. I gracefully bowed out. And whilst I think of him almost 24 hours a day, I don't act on it. I miss him, but have realised through this process that we were not right for each other and I was hanging onto what the relationship could have been, not what it actually was.

I kept a journal of this experience over the past month and what a ride it's been. It's been really tough to say the least but I am so proud of myself for getting through this. Next 30 days: here I come!

I recommend no contacting for anyone struggling with a break up, no matter which if you ended it.
Xx

Good advice Toria.

I've found that being NC, as far as I can, has really made me stand back and notice what Ex is doing and thinking. Before I think I was caught up in my own emotions too. I notice that his texts are like someone who thinks they have to tread on eggshells with me. As if I'm a bit crazy.

I'm really noticing the cycle in which he's mostly in control. As this is done after he's usually taken the time to be with me, been really nice to me living together, and basically made me feel like we had a chance of getting back together. And then BAM! He finishes the relationship over something trivial. So of course I usually am pretty devastated.

However, this NC gives me time not to just respond, not to be emotional. It's really positive!

The only thing I find hard is when our paths do cross and he is always the one to be engaging me, when I just want to make it short. And then you can see on his face he's letting me know that he thinks this isn't on and I just talk more.

It's all part of a drama that I get pulled back into. But I'm not this time and it feels much healthier.

He is sorting out counselling sessions to talk about break up arrangements with the kids. I'll talk then of course, nothing I can do about that, I can't not really. And one of us must move out.

P.s. Day 9

Ive followed this thread from the beginning just for support, but never posted. talked I'm posting just for you! Nothing is wrong with you. Absolutely nothing! You are strong there's just a tiny part of you that isn't. Don't beat yourself up.
I really think early up thread when you posted about reinforcement of self that was such a turning point for me. I'm thinking of it as Positive Reinforcement of self. I'm only on day 2 😂😂😂. After 5 months of no contact it all went to pot 5 weeks ago. I thought I could handle it again. I thought I had changed. I thought he had changed. But deep down I knew nothing had! Last time he ended it I was devastated but this time it was me I'm still devastated but I know it's for the right reasons and it's on my terms. Find that tiny part of you that isn't strong and let it know that there is a bigger stronger part!

talked I am now crying but with tears of happiness because I'm pleased it helped and sadness because I too want that hero!!! We have to be our own heros!!!

Why do we put these idiots on such pedestals! There's really nothing special about them. We need to take off our rose tinted glasses
I just think to myself if every other woman in the world can survive without this person in their lives then why should we be any different!
He's gone on a lads holiday today so obviously I'm at home on my own feeling pants and stuffing my face with wine and pizza and trying to be strong and not think about what he's up to!

Welcome ELR BRILLIANT post x

Thanks I've just spent the last half an hour reading the I've got £1000 to spend on a handbag thread in talk. Totally took my mind off everything and kinda but something's into perspective. Much more fun to be pretending I can buy a 1k bag than pretending I am Ina proper relationship!
Enjoy that pizza & wine

So, yesterday was first 'no tears' day! Too soon to say it marks a trend - but it certainly marks a start.

It helped that he rang me in the morning - but instead of my usual response, which (I'm a little embarrassed to admit) would be to talk as long as he wanted - I just said i couldn't talk, i was off to do *unusual-event-thats-too-identifying. I was genuinely so excited about the event that I briefly chatted away about it and ended with 'must dash'. I have no idea what he wanted to talk abut, I didn't give him a moment to say anything! Of course, he may not have been affected by that - but I like to think it threw him!

Of course, he then texted me in the evening too - and I just did the witty banter back - but was waiting to see at what point he would disengage. I didn't send anything emotional, just fun conversation. Sure enough, he stopped part way through the conversation - but this time I was waiting for it. It was so predictable - engage in conversation, let her think we're getting along fine, leave her wondering what happened. Only this time it didnt hurt.

I saw my counsellor for the first time yesterday too - lovely person. They actually wanted to focus on my marriage breakdown issues/family, rather than this new guy. It was quite interesting to consider him almost as an 'irrelevant symptom' arising due to much more significant events. Of course, it wasn't as simplistic as that - but food for thought. I'm looking forward to my other sessions.

Lets just hope I can make this day 2 no tears!

Yes, yesterday I felt much more in control of myself than I have for a long time. Of course, today might be a disaster, but it shows that it is possible. For the last few weeks I haven't felt at all in control. I was simply acting in response to events around me, rather than trying to change the events or disengage.

The 'must dash' comment was completely genuine too - I look back at it and am amazed I said it. Its something I would have aspired to say, but wouldnt have 'risked it'. It just came out quite naturally because of what was happening that day. But of course, my life/time is as important as his - I've let him jump into my day whenever it suits him. I need to reclaim my time and only share it when it suits me! I'm not interested in playing games (none of this, play it mean to keep 'em keen - can't be doing with that) - simply a genuine, if I feel like talking I will, but if I don't, I won't. Do you see what I mean? It sounds so small, but is actually so important.

I have a busy work day today - so will have little time to think - and am out this evening. So, I'm hoping I remain strong and don't give in to any temptations

talked I guess I worry about loneliness (don't we all, to some extent). At my age, I feel too old to start the dating process seriously, and wonder about being on my own once my husband and I live apart. On a very superficial level (brother/sister almost) we rub along together well. But of course, superficial is no way to live a life - what a waste!

Hi talked very glad you were busy today, hope sat night ok too!
science you sound in a much stronger frame of mind. Good for you!
toria we do put these men in a higher status than they deserve, very true. Maybe that's what running after them makes us, feel that if we want them but can't have them, they must be good. Rather than...

Assholes!

He is getting pissed off at me being so distant. He sent me a sweet text about our son. But I didn't reply.
He said he'd clear out for the evening - to give me space. I said do what you want as I'll go out if I need space. Give me space my foot! Hate the faux caring. If he cared he wouldn't have ended it!

talked Yes - that's the same for me. If I talk about him, I'm not thinking of talking to him.

Yesterday was also a no tears day. I didnt contact him at all - although he rang me late in the afternoon. He asked about my day and I explained my busy plans for the evening. I think he was surprised that I still sounded strong.

I'm not over him at all - I miss him dreadfully - but this limbo phase was going on for too long, for what was, afterall, a short relationship. I was boring my friends and myself!

talked You nailed it - I find that if I contact him he seems to consider it an intrusion, but if I dont, I'm playing games and don't care. Like I've said before, whether he's manipulating or whether this is due to his own issues is irrelevant - it was absolutely messing with my head.

I sound stronger than I am - I would love to message him - but I also know I'd then spend the day waiting for his reply - if it would come at all. Then I'd feel distraught all day. That's no way to live.

I'm trying to keep busy - although I find I'm still thinking of him - and that traitorous phone just seems to cry out for me to contact him...

talked - i too had an agreement with friends that I'd contact them - but I felt that I couldnt keep on doing this to them. They are lovely and would always listen, but still, I felt it was going on for too long. pm me if you'd like to add me to your list of people to text when the urge to contact him strikes! I completely understand - that panicky feeling just takes over all rational thought!

Morning all. Well done to you all. Epic fail for me! I caved and messaged yesterday but it's fine I got the response I wanted. Talked you are right about what your friend said, last week I didn't message for a few days and got a Hey Stranger back, but then message too much and they need space.
I just can't seem to do no contact! Still so hard!! But this time rather than carrying on the conversation after his reply I didn't reply and don't feel the need to message again. I'm thinking of moving him to the side of my attention rather than in front of me! He's not the main focus of my life I can get on just fine without him. I haven't cried for him this time I've cried for myself and I think that is a step forward in realising my need to focus on me.
Sorry just rambling at the moment. Sending well wishes to all hope you have a great Sunday xx

ELR It sounds as though we're all at similar stages. I completely understand what you're saying!

talked and science I've been through so much of that pulling me in / pushing me away that it has wrecked me. Mine would often go like this
We have a fine few weeks, no arguments.
Some minor disagreement.
Then...
He rejects me, tells me it's over.
I would cry, ask why can't we talk or discuss.
He'd be evasive, say things like 'I'm just not able to be myself', 'I'm just not able to commit again' and his personal favourite, 'some people just don't work, and we don't work'
I'd say but why, what doesn't work? He'd never say really.

He hugs me, tells me he's sorry, promise he'll look after me and our child.

Is then really nice to me. Sorry for the shouting argument. Spends more time with me in the home. Doesn't move out.

Nothing changes but I am no longer at all confident about raising issues, asking for any time together, anything that a couple would do. Because, he's said we are not! He starts sleeping with me. I then start saying, woah there! What's going on? So I start talking about moving out. He stalls, says he'll move out. Does for a bit. Then comes back saying we will give it another go....

Exhausting!