30 days no contact

[Songbird86]

Hi all!

Just want to share this because it might be helpful to some of you also experiencing a break up. I have nearly completed 30 days no contact post-break up. (I didn't even know this was a thing until I frantically Googled "how to get your ex back" the minute we'd split)

Not texting or calling him to beg and plead, say "I miss you" and "let's make this work" has, for the first time, left me with my dignity in tact. I gracefully bowed out. And whilst I think of him almost 24 hours a day, I don't act on it. I miss him, but have realised through this process that we were not right for each other and I was hanging onto what the relationship could have been, not what it actually was.

I kept a journal of this experience over the past month and what a ride it's been. It's been really tough to say the least but I am so proud of myself for getting through this. Next 30 days: here I come!

I recommend no contacting for anyone struggling with a break up, no matter which if you ended it.
Xx

Well done Molly Week 6 is a fantastic achievement!
Science as long as we keep giving they are going to take take take! It's up to us to end this cycle not them! I suggest you have a read of baggage reclaim website if you haven't already.
My friend text me this morning asking what I miss about him. When I started thinking about it I cried on the train. Yes I was that girl! Argh. Day 13 has not started well!

30 bloody days no contact. I guess it has to start afresh from today!

Do you know what - I've just had the biggest discussion with him! And it all makes sense now.

I am so cross at what he made me become - or rather, what I let myself become.

Since we broke up, he left me hanging and wanted to have the easy bits - the support, friendship and odd sexual banter - but only wanted me when it suited him. Stonewalling me when it wasnt convenient or if I said something he didnt like.

I know I've said this before - but instead of crying my eyes out this time - I'm sitting here with this lightbulb flashing above my head and feeling incredibly cross.

He was a nice guy - and the sex was good. But I think he actually has even bigger issues than me - and at least i'm taking the first steps towards addressing mine. He said he gave me everything - and that now we've broken up he'll never have another relationship - apparently this has hurt him so much. Actually, I think he never got over the breakdown of his marriage many years ago, and, from what he's said of other relationships he's had, as soon as he begins to fall for someone he looks for an excuse to go. And I gave him one when we argued.

Anyways, I saw red flags at the time, but I was 'in lurve'. But why would I want to be with this person who treats me in such a superficial way. To keep telling me he loved me, wasn't sure what he wanted anymore, that there 'might' be hope for us, when he knew I wanted to be in a relationship with him. That was cruel. And I was stupid and naive.

Bollocks to this for a game of soldiers.... Day 1...

Talkedabout Does he want to be with you? I would be careful as it sounds like he's having his cake and eating it if not. If he doesn't want to be with you but still gets the luxuries of having you around if need be or he finally decides he wants to step up.
I appreciate what you are saying but at the end of the day this arrangement isn't what you really want surely?
Do you think you will be emotionally available for someone else to come along if he is in the background? I know I wouldn't be!
I'm in no way having a go, I just worry that at the end of all this it will still be you getting hurt as you are the one who is settling for less than you want not him
Do you really want to be with someone who doesn't want you right now but only decide they want to be with you when someone else comes along?
Just make sure this really is the right arrangement for you. Do not settle x

Struggling today. I've started doing the 0 - 5k run app, which helped massively this morning. Still NC which is good considering he's still living here.

I just really did not want to be starting again at this stage of my life. I've two kids and the uprooting and change, and the knowledge of how hard it is to be in your 40s trying to date guys who want women in their 20s and 30s is totally demoralising.

talked I'm with Tori (hope you are doing OK) in that be VERY careful at this stage. Just because I've had this in a cycle with my Ex, going back too quickly, settling back in. I'd even be doing a semi 30 day NC to be totally sure.

science words are easy though, I'm sure if someone came along who was convenient your Ex would go for it. Sorry if I'm wrong here. It's just the 'it's hard to me and I'll never have another relationship' is bad for us to hear - as in - it keeps us thinking that we were or are the main relationship.

autumn I know you are right.

I'm still sitting here not crying. I don't feel numb, I just seem to have recognised (finally) that this relationship couldnt have been good to have got like this.

Apologies to the original poster - but someone mentioned that they recognised they were mourning the relationship they wanted, not the relationship they had (or something along those lines). I think that's what I've been doing. I projected all these wonderful characteristics onto this poor guy, which were all to do with what I wanted. What I wanted the relationship to be, rather than what it actually was.

Whether what he is telling me is true, or he at least thinks its true - or if its complete bullshit and he is deliberately manipulating me. It doesn't matter. It's what I do with those words.

I want my life back. The last few weeks have been complete hell (although the loss of weight was an unexpected bonus - I was never overweight, but I'm back to my serious-running days weight). I know I failed at my first attempt at no contact - but actually, the small steps I've made have led me to feel strong. I've a long way to go - and I know the day isn't over yet. But I haven't cried today. That's the first time in weeks. I'm out with friends tonight - so a positive step there. Tomorrow I have an exciting outing planned - again, all positive stuff. And counsellor on Friday. Positive steps.

Yes you are right science, if my Ex said that same I think for a while I would feel good, it would mean that they are saying that I was the right one and give me the satisfaction of thinking they are not going to have an alternative future with someone else. In short, it would retain my feelings for him.

Glad that you haven't cried today. My Ex has ended it so many times that I think I'm getting pretty numb to it. On the other side, it makes it feel unreal which isn't a good thing.

I need to know it is ended. That my Ex will just go off with someone else. Because he will, he's never on his own. That's pretty painful. Your week sounds good science! Better get my own act together! Very isolated where I am, but that shouldn't stop me going out there's always the cinema or theatre.

Please don't feel isolated autumn. It may be online, but the support here is wonderful.

I've been given so much food for thought - I wouldnt have been in this position, were it not for the kindness and much-needed bluntness of people here.

I'm slowly beginning to recognise that feeling sad is ok. Obviously, happy would be better. But for me, I spent years in a marriage blocking out my feelings, just to get through the day-to-day. If nothing else, the relationship with this guy has taught me to acknowledge my feelings. I think this has been my problem - floodgates well and truly opened! Now I just need to learn to regulate :)

Talkedabout I like that view - a period of 'reinforcement of self', not a period 'not seeing someone'. That sounds much more positive and something to embrace for good reasons, not have to endure.

Thinking of you all - what do they say on the baby pages - 'this too shall pass'?

reinforcement of self ill take that as a positive though for the day.

Glad I can report on here. Ex is skulking around the house avoiding me. Annoying as I know he'll get even more sympathy about this from his family, and at some point I think he will get annoyed with me. As in, can't just relax in the house. But I've got to go NC - I'm financially dependent and have no family near. And also I don't want to be the one to move! I'm the main carer of kids. Wish he'd move out properly.

talked don't beat yourself up! But don't text again! If he texts back, be busy and unavailable. He's got the power now. Don't let him.

Agree with above too, I've become numb which is not great. Would like to feel again.

It's a fishing text with no commitment.

Ignore it Talked ignore!!!

Can you use this time to think about what the future with both of you happy and working would look like? What do you need from him?

Write out three things you'd like to see him do over the next month and then only text about these things. Nothing else. It could be, taking you out. Talking about housing situation. Things that you need.

Ex texted today asking if I still wanted to go to counseling (about arrangements for breaking up). I said yes. Asked if I was away this weekend. No.

All very sad. Just go to get through it.

Hey everyone
Guess what...! I feel ok today.
I actually feel ok.
I feel like there's a bit of light again. I'm certainly not dancing on rainbows 🌈 BUT the anxiety has lifted. I am beginning to feel a sense of.... relief.
I was chatting y'day with my dear sister who has been an amazing support. I was feeling terrible yesterday and she said, can you see any positives in what's going on for you right now.
I said, yes, I am going through it now - it's no longer in my future, lying there like an animal waiting to attack. I'm doing it now. And that is good. I'm winning the battle with myself, because its not with him. I've been battling with my own emotions for the past 6.5 weeks.

Sorry this is so long, writing it down is helpful.

Ps., one small tip: paracetamol actually helps with actual heartache. The receptors in your brain when you're hurting badly with emotional pain light up in a similar way to when in physical pain, so popping a bit of paracetamol actually helps.
(Obvs be careful about dosage and all the other things you have to consider when using any kind of meds).

I think it's fascinating that emotional pain is referred by the body to the heart - which is after all just an organ pumping blood around.
My heart feels a bit better today

Brilliant to hear molly!

Well done Molly. That tiny chink of light at the end of the tunnel is a big step! That will continue to grow. And you're right, you are doing it and you are in it and you are surviving!
I'm on day 15 today so officially half way through. The temptation to reply to messages is strong but I know in my heart of hearts it's only going to prolong the pain and the though of going back to day 1 is definitely not appealing!
I've booked a trip away with my sister next week so that should hopefully keep my mind busy.
@Talked, with the texting, I now go by the rule of not to text when I feel emotional. Write the text (whatever it is you want to say) and save it in your phone. 9 times out of 10 you will probably come back to it the next day when you feel better and are glad you didn't send it.
There's nothing to say you can't text him if you want to, so it doesn't seem quite so daunting when you really want to contact them, but delaying it until a different times helps you reflect on whether it really is necessary.